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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish?

28 replies

Em1ly27 · 14/09/2019 08:28

So I need some advice, me and my partner have both our own children from previous relationships. He will have my son every other Saturday while I work and I will have the kids generally whenever he asks I've had them for weeks in the holidays when he works on standby for a week and they come to stay every weekend. Last week I finished work on the saturday and was really stressed as a very busy day when he came to pick me up, I asked to just let me chill in car and sort myself out of which the reply was something along the lines of sort yourself out no time to be like this long story short it got into a bigger heated discussion and the night was ruined. Moving on to the next weekend we weren't getting on amazingly anyway and he was due to work the whole weekend and my son was over at his dads. He arranged for the kids to come over and me look after them knowing that he could only end up seeing them for 10 minutes over the weekend I didn't have a problem with this, maybe to be asked would have been nice. So in the morning they are due to come I said to him do you mind if they get dropped over for 7 and your ex feed them dinner if you arent going to be home and me just grab an hour to sort myself out have a shower etc as I dont finish work until 5.45 then pick my son up from after school club....well it erupted massively and I am selfish. I work part time so I get time to myself all the time etc. Which anyone who is a mother knows that isnt the case. I was honest and stated I wanted them to have the best of me and not be a moody cow like I was the week before. He has now chosen to move out take all his belongings and not hear when I'm coming from. The question is am I being selfish and unkind? I'm driving myself crazy. Prior to this relationship I was in a 5 year domestically violent controlling relationship and we have spent the last 2 years in criminal and family court. Please help I need some kind of advice xx

OP posts:
ImNotYourGranny · 14/09/2019 08:32

Count yourself lucky that that he's fucked off and keep everything crossed that it stays that way. He's using you for childcare.

Uniformuniformuniform · 14/09/2019 08:35

It's a win. Now he will look after hisnowns kids like he should... Yanbu. But don't expect him to look after your son either from now on. You did your best and you don't have to look after his kids. Nor does he yours.

Things can get messy when kids are involved. And rightly so the kids come first! This wasn't a good environment for them. So cut your losses and focus on your son and yourself

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2019 08:36

He's no loss.

Wonder who he'll dump his children on now...

Original poster
Em1ly27 · 14/09/2019 08:41

At this present moment his stuff is in the car outside and he has gone to work!!

OP posts:
Uniformuniformuniform · 14/09/2019 08:44

Oh he is coming back then op. It was dramatic effect.... Looks like you are babysitting after all. and no you probably won't get your hour before they arrive either. Once a CF always a CF. If you don't want this then now is the time to make it change

justheretostalk · 14/09/2019 08:46

Call his bluff. Off you fuck then. Good riddance.

LagunaBubbles · 14/09/2019 08:49

He's doing it for effect. He will be back. Whether you let him or not though should be the question!

IncrediblySadToo · 14/09/2019 08:51

Get a kick smith to change the locks today then go out after work, his Ex can deal with their children.

He’s a twat, you’re better off without him (even if it doesn’t feel like that yet 🌷)

IncrediblySadToo · 14/09/2019 08:52

Bloody phone! Locksmith!

Though a kick smith might come in handy

Obviously you’re not being selfish!

Original poster
Em1ly27 · 14/09/2019 08:53

No the kids arent coming they were due last night and he cut his nose off to spite his face by not giving me that hour so they didn't come at all! He says he will be back to pick the car up after work as he has left it for me to use to take my son to his dads, but filled with all his belongings. I have no choice but to use it as there is a court order in place and I gave my car up and used his when it broke. I feel like I'm going insane with what to do! Xx

OP posts:
Awrite · 14/09/2019 08:53

Someone would only leave me once.

SAHD2020 · 14/09/2019 08:53

Guys perspective here. Sorry but He is an assh0le and from what you have said he treats you like his kids nanny! They are his kids with his ex and as such their responsibility, not yours.

You are not being selfish in the slightest. He is taking advantage of you and you are best shot of him. When he gets back from work he will likely want to come back in. Tell him you want space and to stay away for the night. He will either realise he’s fucked up or disappear. That will show you have he truely feels about you. If he does come back you set ground rules and rule number 1 is your not to be used as a nanny service!

MeanMrMustardSeed · 14/09/2019 08:54

Why don’t you mind him arranging his children to come over, knowing he’s not going to be there to look after them? This is a respect thing and you need some boundaries. You’ve been presented the perfect opportunity to get out of this relationship - take it!

Windydaysuponus · 14/09/2019 08:56

Have you posted about this situation before?
You are a glorified nanny.
Drive his stuff to his exes.
No need to see him again then. Leave the car key under a plantpot and keep your door locked.

longwayoff · 14/09/2019 08:56

This man is no good for you. You say you've come from a bad relationship and, when you're feeling vulnerable and desperate, it's comforting to find someone who seems to be what you need. He isn't it. Lose him before you find yourself enmeshed in another destructive situation. I know it's hard but try to be kind to yourself. You're not selfish but you should be. Nobody will care for you unless you care for yourself first.

MashedSpud · 14/09/2019 09:00

It’s so annoying when men create children and then spend the rest of their childhood dumping them off on other people.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 14/09/2019 09:01

So he's basically threatening you with Do what I want or I'm going!
Best he goes then, do not get drawn into another bullying relationship. What a knob.

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2019 09:01

Why did the kids come every weekend if he wasn't there to see them?

Morgan12 · 14/09/2019 09:04

He really shouldn't be arranging for his kids to come when he is at work anyway.

Fuck him.

Perisoire · 14/09/2019 09:07

So he resented you having a few minutes in the car alone but expected you to take care of his children all weekend?

I think you’ve fallen into another abusive relationship OP. Please don’t let him back.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 14/09/2019 09:09

It would appear you do child minding duties and he keeps the ex sweet because she thinks he's doing his bit.

Tiredtessy · 14/09/2019 09:20

So he messed around his own kids and their mum to? How do they feel about that? Hes probably working extra hours on purpose so he doesn't have to look after his kids, I would get rid asap

Juells · 14/09/2019 09:21

Another bullying relationship. :(

You might find it helpful to do an assertiveness training course - sometimes it's difficult to even identify that you're being taken advantage of, until it's all gone too far. It would help if you could read the signs earlier and draw a line.

Alisonm23 · 14/09/2019 09:32

I think you need to prioritise your son and yourself. Your partners behaviour is controlling and childish also. If he is willing to take all of his stuff out of the house because you asked for sometime to yourself - he isn't worth anymore of your time and not someone you want around your own child

Barbel · 14/09/2019 09:38

Fuck that shit.
Let him run on there.
Dickhead.

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