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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

19 year old DD has drink problem

38 replies

HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 03:36

19 year old DD is about to go back to uni after 3 months at home. She’s just come home incoherently drunk for about the sixth time now (I just found a lovely friend helping her to bed).

Last time this happened about a month ago, she threw up over herself in bed and has also wet the bed more than once. We’ve talked and she’s said she’ll do something about it but she can’t seem to. AIBU to think she needs help? I’m so concerned about her going back and this behaviour continuing.

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OwlBeThere · 14/09/2019 03:52

How often is she drinking? Is it a drinking most/every day problem or drinking less often but getting totally hammered when she does?
Tbh as a uni student my drinking habits were insane and whilst I didn’t wet the bed there were incidents of throwing up on myself, my floor and just rolling over and going back to sleep, I did myself numerous injuries including broken bones and concussion etc
I dont drink like that now. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had a drink this year.
The trouble is uni life is often centred around drinking, for most people it calms down and tapers off as you grow up and get a job. But not for everyone and if you’re concernediys entirely reasonable to get some advice. There are charities like Al anon who are for families of people with drink issues.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 14/09/2019 04:03

It unfortunately looks like you may be right. Unfortunately, having been through the same with db over the last 18 years, I have learned that they have to hit rock bottom before they realise that they have a problem. They need to acknowledge that they have a problem to actually make the step to stop. I don’t know how you can do that but I can’t blame you for being worried, your dd is putting herself into very dangerous situations.

Has something awful happened? Has your dd been a victim of abuse/ assault/ bullying/ unhappy childhood that she is trying to blot out with drink? I would see if you can convince her to go to counselling- she should be able to go access counselling at Uni.

Is it possible that she may be doing drugs? Ketamine is very popular and reasonably cheap and has the same result as your dd appears to end up in- unable to bite her own fingernails. Unfortunately it is also addictive! Either way- your dd clearly needs to change her lifestyle.

In my db’s Case, my parents have enabled him by continuing to give him cash and a place to stay. So Many times he has been brought home (to my parents) by the police as he is completely out of it and a danger to himself- he is a loveable guy- just has a horrific alcohol problem! He is currently sober (two weeks running) after being hospitalised after a week long binge triggering massive anxiety and magnesium deficiency.

AA have groups for families of alcoholics, I suggest you look up a local meeting and attend. Unfortunately, families and the alcoholic can get stuck in a toxic circle that can only be broke free from, if those around the alcoholic actively change the way they behave. This link explains it very well

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 04:06

Owl it’s when she goes out so not every day. It sounds like your experience at uni and I’m glad you grew out of it. There’s a history of alcohol problems in my family (me included) and that makes me worry she won’t grow out of it.

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Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 04:14

Clare I hope this is a turning point for your brother. He sounds like my DB who has now been sober for 10 years but it was a long time coming. DD has grown up in a loving home but she has low self-esteem despite being an all round lovely girl and she has many friends. Counselling sounds like a good idea and I’ll try to encourage her.

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OwlBeThere · 14/09/2019 04:22

@Hildegardecrowne, yes a family history of addiction definitely makes it more worrying, I also have alcoholism and addiction in my family and I’m very aware that for some the ‘young and stupid’ phase doesn’t end. My brother is currently 3 months sober after battling with it for years. I’d definitely get some support for you and talk to her about your concerns, as you know she has to recognise the issue and want to stop for it to work. I wish you both luck.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 14/09/2019 04:34

Unfortunately alcoholism runs in my family too (both sides- Uncles, Grandparents and cousins)I myself had a phase at 19 where following the tragic death of a young cousin, close to my age, I went off the rails and drank too much. I stopped when I realised I had been sick in bed and could have possibly choked. I haven’t drank since

My brother on the other hand has wet the bed multiple times- my parents have replaced his bed around five times due to this (even mattress protectors failed to protect the mattresses). He had no shame- only an arrogant attitude that he was entitled to do what he wanted as an adult.

I am praying that this is a turning point, however given he has given up in the past (once for nearly 2 years) and always returned to drink I’m afraid that it won’t last. Hopefully I am wrong!

justheretostalk · 14/09/2019 04:40

I have absolutely no idea if your DD is an alcoholic or not based on your post, but this was me at 19 Blush I drank a LOT.

FWIW, I barely drink at all now and haven’t done for about 8 years. Maybe once or twice a year or when on holiday. I simply grew out of it.

Stillfunny · 14/09/2019 05:06

This sounds like me somewhat when I was young. Binge drinking when out, not at all every day. But not actually good at holding it , so was always sick . The hangover part every time , even now if I overindulge, eventually put a stop on it.Trouble is at that age , at uni, it is hard to socialise without drink. In my case , it was a desire to fit in . Hope it is just experimenting and she will find her limit and stick to it.
But I do understand your concern , with alcoholism in family. Perhaps have that conversation with her ? Tell her that she is at risk if she continues and you are just worried for her.

Heyboyo · 14/09/2019 06:02

I was like this at that age. A lot of us were. I now barely drink.

Dontstepinthecowpat · 14/09/2019 06:19

I was like this at 19, as were most of my friends. I realise now that I speak to others it was t the norm but it certainly was were we grew up. I rarely drink now but on the odd occasion I do go out I can drink a lot and get pretty wild.

RhymesWithOrange · 14/09/2019 06:28

Please don't minimise the problem or allow others to minimise it as normal teenage behaviour. It might be that but it might not.

At her age she will feel indestructible but the LT damage she could do to her health is enormous.

GP appointment, some counselling support and some hard facts about the health issues may be a good start.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 08:04

Yes, have had many chats about the hard facts but as you say Rhymes they think they’re indestructible at that age. I’ve just been in to check on her and she’s wet the bed again. Me and her dad are divorced but amicable and I think it’s time for the 3 of us to sit down and talk. I do hope he doesn’t brush it off - his mum was a desperate alcoholic so it’s on both sides of the family.

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Fizzypoo · 14/09/2019 08:16

I don't think its abnormal during this life stage.

Alcoholism in the family is an added factor in whether she'll grow out of it or not - and most do even with the added factor.

I think theres not a lot you can do, it will all depend on her life choices after uni. If she finds a career that she loves, a different social network where getting into absolute states isn't the norm ect she'll most likely be fine.

Their social networks are the most influential factor at this stage of life. You can talk to her and be there for her but really it's down to her. If you create a space where she feels ashamed of her drinking that may make her continue her lifestyle in secret.

FamilyOfAliens · 14/09/2019 08:21

I was the same at uni, did everything PP have said they did and more.

When I started work and went in with a hangover so bad my manager gave me a verbal warning, I stopped drinking to excess. I had a mortgage to pay and couldn’t risk losing my job. I just grew up - finally.

thecatneuterer · 14/09/2019 08:21

Nearly everyone I knew was like this at university, including me. When we drank, we drank to get hammered. I only did it very rarely, and never really drank again since leaving university. Other friends did it more often but didn't end up becoming problem drinkers. It was just what we did at that age.

Your daughter might have a problem with alcohol but she might just be young and silly.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 08:24

I can only speak from my own experience of course, but this was pretty normal (maybe not the wetting the bed as a standard) with me and my friendship groups as a 19 year old. I used to get seriously fucked up, nearly every weekend. Throwing up, falling over, broken bones, stupid, stupid decisions, you name it, we did it, then did it again next weekend and thought it great fun.
I’m not like it anymore, at 25. I drink occasionally, and I get tipsy to drunk but never paralytic like before. It’s so hard to know what to say or advise as I don’t know your daughter. I’d imagine she’ll grow out of it but I can see why you’re concerned that she wouldn’t. Maybe speak to aa and see what they advise.

thewayoftheplatypus · 14/09/2019 08:31

I was also like this during my uni years. Lots of ‘pound a pint/alcopop/shot’ nights meant it was affordable to get wasted a couple of times a week. It was very common practice back then (in fact my husband and I often joke we didn’t see each other sober for the first couple of years of our relationship, which started at university).
I’m not minimising your fear, and that certainly doesn’t mean that your daughter doesn’t have a drinking problem. But it does seem to happen a lot in university environments and all of my cohort grew out of it if not soon after then certainly by the time they started to settle down/have kids

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/09/2019 08:34

I used to go out drinking every weekend at that age, I never wet the bed though.

It might not necessarily be alcoholism. Is she quite shy? It may be that she feels more confident after a few drinks, or it could be peer pressure. Drinking culture for university students is often extreme.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 08:37

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I too got regularly absolutely hammered at uni and beyond and although my behaviour became more tame, I still have an alcohol problem (I’m 62😕).

I’m worried about what could happen to her when she’s hammered and also about the bed-wetting. Luckily she had good friends who look out for her but they won’t always be there. Anyway she’s back to uni next week and I won’t be there to wash the sheets.

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Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 08:38

Yes *

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Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 14/09/2019 08:41

Sorry, yes Wax she’s on the shy side but very popular. I can relate as I drank to make me feel more at ease in social situations. Still do sadly. I’m aware that I’m projecting but those damned genes....

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Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2019 08:41

Well. It’s tricky. I drank to excess A LOT around that age, but was never sick over myself and never wet the bed. We were a hard-drinking crowd and that never happened to any of us.

However, all my family were worried about my drinking (my family don’t drink except for Christmas) and we’re convinced I had a problem.

It all just stopped organically as we got jobs and hobbies etc.

The being sick over herself and wetting the bed is concerning but the frequency less so, if that makes sense?

Being incoherent is also concerning. I was never unable to talk or understand where I was.

On balance I think she needs to rein it in, but she may well not have any long-term issues.

I had a cider last night. I now drink so infrequently it’s given me a headache. People I see who haven’t seen me in years find the fact I barely drink now incomprehensible.

doublebarrellednurse · 14/09/2019 08:41

This was me at 19. Drank to cope with social situations. Went on till about 21 then I didn't drink for about 10 years. By choice just didn't enjoy it anymore. I now (recently not currently as 🤰🏻) drink in steady moderation.

When she can't function without a drink in a day then you've got a problem.

Headinthedrawer · 14/09/2019 08:44

I think regularly wetting the bed is a real worry here.I was hammered constantly and taking various recreational drugs from 15-late 20s.I had a great time If I had wet the bed once I would have been mortified and done anything to stop that happening again.I did have some wake up calls which made me cut down...this would have been a massive one.

ChangeOfTides · 14/09/2019 08:52

I wouldn’t worry too much about the wetting the bed. It’s just something some people do when they get very very drunk, not a sign of problems in itself (watch an episode of Geordie Shore). It might encourage her to begin to restrict her drinking when she is regularly sharing a bed.

This drinking pattern is so common at 19 that I don’t know how you’d be able to tell if it’s going to lead into a long term problem. At 19 long term health problems don’t feel real, I’d concentrate on talking about reducing immediate risks. I.e. talk to her about choking on vomit, about making sure she is always with friends when out so she has someone to get her home and taxi money etc.