19 year old DD has drink problem

[HildegardCrowe]

19 year old DD is about to go back to uni after 3 months at home. She’s just come home incoherently drunk for about the sixth time now (I just found a lovely friend helping her to bed).

Last time this happened about a month ago, she threw up over herself in bed and has also wet the bed more than once. We’ve talked and she’s said she’ll do something about it but she can’t seem to. AIBU to think she needs help? I’m so concerned about her going back and this behaviour continuing.

Get a waterproof mattress cover. You can buy stuff that removes urine stains from mattress (just saying).

I only wet the bed once and I was 24!

It's not unusual for students and people of your daughter's age to over imbibe. I understand your fears because of alcohol problems in family but you say your daughter doesn't get plastered every day.

She will no doubt outgrow this phase but it is worrying for you. The vomiting is concerning because the gag reflex doesn't always work well with a drunken person, they don't wake up.

Do talk to your daughter about the dangers of binge drinking, particularly as she has vomited whilst drunk, and tell her she must limit herself for her own safety.

My son and his friends used to drink quite a lot, I sat up all night with one of his friends who was staying over because I was worried; he was asleep but brown liquid was bubbling out of his mouth. He was perfectly alright thankfully. They all grew up and became responsible adults and I'm sure your daughter will too.

Cheers!

I think the worrying part is the being sick all over herself and wetting the bed, more than once, and not being mortified enough to at least cut back in future. To me, that's in a different league to just regular drunk hugging the toilet bowl, while your mate holds your hair back. Is she blacking out?

If she's drinking to mitigate social anxiety then it would be great if you could help her find other coping mechanisms. The bed wetting is embarrassing, being semi concious and vomiting is life threatening, there's no sugar coating that.

Can you go for a long drive and talk? Sitting next to each other means there's no forced eye contact and it can be easier to open up about things. The moving car sort of means a captive audience too.

I wish someone had done this for me when I was that age. I needed support but I couldn't see it (thought it was normal, see many PPs) and even if I realised I wouldn't have known what to do.

I recently drank for the first time in ages and it knocked me for six, really reminded me how rotten drinking is. I did it because it was an old habit for coping with a big group social. I wish I'd learned other ways.

Good luck with your DD.

Wetting the bed is very worrying! I drink a lot. I drank a lot lot when I was that age. I never wet the bed

I would say it’s the binge aspect that’s worrying, can you try and discuss why she can’t stop when she’s just drunk, instead of paralytic ?
If she’s got no off switch then she needs to be hyper self aware. I would try and do some kind of list with her about teaching her when to stop. Because clearly she has no natural off switch

I had a lot of friends like this at uni. They weren’t alcoholics they were just not very good drinkers and got into all kinds of mess.

List of things like:
Drink water when out drinking
Don’t neck drinks
Don’t partake in shots - if you feel pressured feel confident in saying “that’s not for me thanks”
Be able to resist peer pressure (shots are a good example)
Pick a drink you are happy with (don’t drink things you’re not used to)
Learn when you’ve had enough
EAT - so many people at that age don’t eat before going out, or when out.

Some people are definitely more pukey than others. Same goes for bed wetting. I definitely drank too much at her age and never did either. I had friends who drank less or the same who did. Whilst I get where people are coming from when they say not to minimise it, I think labelling her as an alcoholic would definitely be off the mark. As her mum you would definitely give her a bollocking about getting that smashed, but also presume that she will outgrow it. Be honest with her about your fears about alcoholism being genetic and speak to her about the warning signs she should look out for in herself and others. But also know that a large proportion of the British population go through phases like that and come through relatively unscathed and relatively sober.

I think it’s hard to tell.

I was like this 18 to about 25. If i gad a drink on a night out it would loosen my inhibitions, and also my perception of how drunk i was. By the time i realised i’d had too much I was at the vomiting phase.

Mine was because i am an introvert so I percieved that the alcohol helped me socially (it didn’t, just made me act like a twat).

It was only every when I went out. I never drank at home, or even socially with a pub meal etc.

I got to the point where I realised If I drank there was a 50:50 chance i’d end up in a state. I hated that feeling, and the hangover, so i stopped drinking.

She may end up self limiting. All you can do is keep and eye (phone her on sunday mornings!!) and be ready to step in with support.

I was like this at that age. A lot of us were. I now barely drink.

Me too

I wouldn't worry about the going out and getting really drunk 6 times in 3 months, that sounds normal for that age. I wouldn't say it's a sign of a alcohol problem, I think that's you worrying because of your family history of alcohol issues. I drank a lot when I was 18/19 and would regularly be stupidly drunk but I grew out of it and barely drink now.

However, the regularly throwing up down herself is a big worry as if she chokes on her vomit or doesn't have a friend there looking out for her then it could turn really nasty and she needs to understand that. I'd definitely sit down and have a chat with her about it. It's really dangerous. She needs to learn her limits with drink a bit more

I probably puked from alcohol about once a month at that age.

Fell down some stairs and knocked myself out. Had to have glass cut out of my feet from dancing barefoot. Fell asleep in a kebab shop, threw up in a lecture

I'm now a perfectly normal boring 35 year old.

Hard to say if it's developing into an alcohol problem or if she's just a daft but typical student.

I think it's worrying because of the family history. Everything else is normal to some extent (bed-wetting no so much and I'm surprised that's not a massive deterrent in itself)

We’ve talked this morning and she’s mortified with her behaviour. I’ve told her that I’m there to support her but that she needs to look at ways of modifying her behaviour (not least so she doesn’t wet the bed).

I won’t know what she’s up to when she’s back at uni other than weekly facetime but she does tend to tell me everything. At least I know that if she’s in trouble she’ll turn to me and I can only hope that it doesn’t come to that.

I think if you really make an emphasis on the impact this would have on future possible relationships- you might get through to her. If she wets the bed when a guy from Uni is with her, then he could potentially not only be disgusted but gossip about her everywhere. She does not want to be the girl that everyone links to Tena Lady! Although I have to say pull up Tena Ladies for the future may be a wise investment for if she does this again! There is also the fact that she could potentially defecate and not know it!

Hopefully she won’t! Although my brother would pretend to be mortified but it never stopped him! He lost so many friends over this! Nobody want to invite back someone who is in a catatonic state and pisses their bed/ sofa!

I think what she really needs to consider is her personal safety- without good friends she could have been raped/ assaulted by anyone and she would have no idea!

Have you asked her about ketamine- it is seriously a massive problem right now- I think I would want a frank conversation over whether she is doing any drugs on top of drinking!

Definitely take her to the g.p- explain in front of her the states she has been in and what is happening. The loss of bladder control, the vomiting. Let the doctor tell her how dangerous the situations she is getting herself into are!

Hi Clare, yes we’ve talked about how grim it would be if she wet the bed when sharing it with someone. I can’t go to the GP with her because hers is at uni and she would never agree to me going with her anyway. I’m just hoping she’ll change her behaviour to avoid potential future social death but I don’t know how strong a hold alcohol has on her.

You sound like such a caring sister - your brother is lucky to have you.