To parent the way I want to parent?

[imamearcat]

I'm bloody fed up of people telling me how to parent my kids. My ILs have a lot of opinions, that I'm not strict enough, my mum has just been telling me they are spoiled..

My kids ate actually beautifully behaved... grrrrrr!!

I hear you. I’m fed up with friends and family making snide remarks about my parenting too. My LO is a lovely, sweet boy and given the circumstances I think I’m doing an above average job of raising him. Thing is, I see plenty of aspects of how said friends and family parent their kids that I disagree with. Difference is I’m not their kids’ parent so I keep my yap shut. I find people who comment more often than not have issues with themselves, not with me even if it seems so. Eg, my mother (who has never been warm or huggy) likes to belittle the bond I have with my son. She’s even snarled at him with disgust when he strokes my cheek and gives me hugs and kisses. He’s 2.5 FFS. Don’t even get me started on my MIL...

You just need to remind them you’re the mother and you know what’s right for you and your child.

You parent just how you want to. Ignore the snide remarks from other busybodies.

Unless your parenting is causing others distress then it's none of their business how you parent. Either tell them to jog on or smile and nod politely whilst they say what they want.

You obviously know your parents and in laws better than I do and can decide what the intention is behind their comments.

But I am always sceptical of people on social media who talk about how fantastically well their children are behaved when in reality I know their kids are monsters.

Playing devil's advocate, if your child is so beautifully behaved, why is your mum saying they are spolit and you get comments from your in laws?

In principle I agree with you but we don't know why your family are saying this. They might be making warranted comments, they might be interfering and overbearing.

Of course you should parent how you want to. Personally though, I find it helpful though to listen to others and adjust where necessary and dismiss ideas if they're are not appropriate.

The reality is, that we all use a variety of parenting styles and getting it a bit wrong sometimes is quite healthy.

What triggered the accusation that your children are spoilt?

You can listen to advice, you don’t have to take it. Sometimes another viewpoint can be enlightening..and your parents and pils do have some experience of bringing up children.9

Oh gosh I've had this a lot lately from mil to the point I was in tears the other day. Dd is only 8 months so I'm fast learning to grow a thicker skin.

I am already being told she is spoilt and I must learn to put her upto bed alone.

I wouldn't care but her one and only mid to late twenties adult dc still lives at home and is completely babied in the fact they have tea provided for them every evening even if dmil is out. The minute she leaves the house there is a phone call.

She can give all the advice she wants. I would hope dd would be a bit more independent at that age so I can't say I am overly impressed with her methods.

Oh god that felt so good to get out. And YOU ALL KNOW about my miscarriages, stillbirth, difficult pregnancy and the fact I've been advised not to have any more dc. If dd is spoilt then she and I bloody deserve it!!!!

It sounds as if you’re receiving a lot of unsolicited advice. How old are your dcs?

Rarfy
Your mil sounds ridiculous.

Tbf we normally get on well so I'm trying hard to switch off to it but on this, I completely agree.

The putting to bed alone thing is a real bug bear of hers to the point I'm starting to find it funny that it bothers her so much. Works for us. I'm happy, dp is happy and most of all dd is happy so we will continue as we are.

As for spoilt, I'm not even sure and eight month old can be spoilt. She was poorly when this comment was made so wanted to be held a lot more. Assuming that's what deemed her spoilt.

Also have to accept things were done differently in their day and different parenting techniques people adopt. I don't part with dd. Have no reason to at the minute, enjoy spending time and prefer her to be looked after the way I want her to be. The best way to do that is do it myself. I know in mils day the done thing would have been bed for sleeps and I can tell she liked her independence a bit more which is fine. I'm sure my time will come where I will but I'm not there. I've waited a long time for this.

You are the parent, you get to decide how to parent.

But if other people are affected by how someone parents (ie, “spirited” children with no boundaries), they’re hardly going to maintain a diplomatic silence at all times.

No-one here can dispute that your kids are “beautifully behaved” since we don’t know them. However, your ILs and your mother, all of whom presumably do know them, appear not to share your view.

Rarfy - at 8 months you can't spoil a baby, FFS. They need to be swinging out of you the whole time, not alone in a room. The very thought gives me the heebie jeebies.

OP, not quite so sure about your situation. If both my mother and my ILs were telling me I was spoiling my children I might wonder if I should toughen up a bit. Grandparents love 'beautifully behaved children'.

I smile and listen to advice, act respectfully if coming from family. However , I am the parent and alongside my dh we parent in a way that suits us and our children. I am firm when challenged about this!

I am happy to try new things, for example my mum talked to me about how she got me eating by myself and I will try that with my dd but I recognise that I used to practically inhale food as a child whereas my daughter does not. Sometimes parents just expect grandkids to be just like their own offspring but I have finally managed to get across to my mum that my kids are a product of their dad and me hence why they do not have all my traits ( fabulous eater and sleeper apparently)!

You should parent how you feel is best.
You will always get people thinking they know best and forcing their opinions on you.
I have always had a clear picture of how I will parent, and have stuck to it.
People should respect your ways, it's ok to give advice, but ultimately it's your child.

It's a generational thing. My parents' generation think children are the lowest in the pecking order and our generation puts them highest. So I'd rather meet my DCs needs first than my parents' needs and that annoys them. They think it's OK for a child to stay in distress or physical discomfort while they continue to monologue about boring friends I've never met and I would prefer to break the flow of their interminable self-absorbed yattering to change a nappy, clean a scuffed knee, reach for a high up toy, get them a drink etc.

I think a huge amount of the.. you're spoiling them . comments are down to jealousy tbh. I'd say some grandparents must look back and wonder why were they actually so strict and why did they follow accepted rules etc so readily esp to the detriment of enjoying their children rather than feeling they had to live up to some accepted way of behaving.

And re milliefiori, yes agree and esp as grandparents age, there can be an element of the grandchildren take the attention and emphasis off them at family occasions etc.

I find my DM and DMIL always tell me my children are beautifully behaved even if I know they have been little shits. OP can you clarify what ages your kids are and what aspects of your parenting they are commenting on?

If they were so well behaved, why would they want to parent your kid? Are you the sort who lets their kid express himself, even if it means drawing over walls, or is MIL a crazy nutter?

As a grandparent I can assure you there is no 'jealousy' here.

I have no problem with some attention being diverted - they've hurt themselves, they need the toilet etc.
But when they interrupt just because they can, I do find that rude. In most situations as they get older, that will be unacceptable. So gently stop them doing it now.

My mum says they are spoilt because we buy them too many treats (which is true to be fair). But she means they are spoilt as in the actual stuff they get not because of their behaviour, if that makes sense. I think she's worried they will become spoilt. To be fair my mum never normally says anything (she'd had a few glasses of wine lol).

With my MIL, my DD was really difficult as a toddler and thinks I should have been harder on her but her behaviour was mostly driven by anxiety so it didn't seem right to me. She's 4 and fine now. MIL never really bonded well with her though and I think that she blame me for that because I'm less strict than her.

MIL just seems to have a lot of rules. Where as we don't really have rules. But they totally wouldn't draw on the wall or anything like that! More like don't touch, don't run, don't be load, only allowed certain toys/food in certain areas etc.