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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your best/worst decisions between late 30s to early 40s?

41 replies

MeltdownMaiden · 13/09/2019 23:07

Going thru somewhat of a protracted mid life or career crisis, whatever.
Busy but mostly happy family life with DH and DCs age 5 and 6.
I think your wisdom could help, whether it is about work, kids, DP, family life, health habits, hobby, general philosophy or anything really. Would you have changed anything, what you would tell yourself in late 30s?

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 14/09/2019 04:46

I'd tell myself to give up work and/or change career to something else. I worked too hard and reached the top of my career despite it not being my goal! Sure, I'm financially comfortable with all that can buy, but time is so precious and you can't buy that.

WeldMeDaphne · 14/09/2019 07:14

I changed career at 36, after 12 years in the same place. I love what I do now and haven’t looked back.

Sparklehead · 14/09/2019 07:20

My youngest child started school when I was 38, and I started training for a new career as an occupational therapist not long after. I felt I needed to rediscover who I was other than a mum, and returning to university and embarking on something new has been fantastic in helping me regain a sense of self.

Sockypuppet · 14/09/2019 07:24

Yes I agree in retraining. I retrained mid-40s and wish I had done it sooner.

In my late thirties I lost 30 pounds and got fit. Really glad I did so because now in my late 40s I'm still fit and active. Maintaining a healthy weight is so much easier than losing weight.

Fivechatchacha · 14/09/2019 07:32

Going against the grain here. Mine is NOT making a career change. I've never liked my career but have finally made peace with it and what it gives me. The money and hours are good and it's a secure job. I've realised that the time and effort and finances to retrain would have such a huge impact on my life, it's not worth it. I'm going to make the most of it, work part time and put all my energy/free time and money on hobbies, doing fun stuff with the kids instead of further studying. It's just a job that lets me live the lifestyle I want. It was a massive relief and quite exciting when I had that lightbulb moment. I realise this won't be the same for everyone but makes sense in my situation.

Fivechatchacha · 14/09/2019 07:33

Great thread btw

isabellerossignol · 14/09/2019 07:35

Retraining for me as well. It has completely changed my life in terms of confidence as well.

Chitarra · 14/09/2019 07:38

I'm another who changed career at age 40! I love my job and it fits better with the DC but I did have to take a significant pay cut. DH now out earns me by a lot (we used to earn the same).

I had DC3 when I was 35 and I'm not sure that was the most sensible decision ever. He's fab and I adore him, but now they're all a bit older, having three teen / pre-teen DC is ridiculously busy! They all play lots of sport and DH and I are rushed off our feet at weekends.

Iggly · 14/09/2019 07:39

I’m thinking about a career change and am planning one in the next 2-3 years.

I’ve been in the same career for 18 years and I’ve slowly realised why I hate it but I also now know what bits I like.

We’ve downsized our mortgage which makes things a little easier but I need to save etc to be able to afford the change.

Twitney · 14/09/2019 07:46

I'd like advice from people who have wisdom about whether to rock the boat and go for the third child just when everything is starting to feel settled and (dare I say it) too easy!? Great thread.

CountFosco · 14/09/2019 07:47

I was in the midst of having children at that stage that could well be both the best and worst decision! But ignoring the age factor I agree with a) getting fit and b) changing your job if you are unhappy or bored. As far as marriage goes, make sure you both get enough sleep and if you don't live close to grandparents etc try and allocate time for holidays just as an immediate family unit, our family all live far away and when the DC were small annual leave was taken up completely with visiting family which aren't really holidays, DH now takes the DC to his Mum's for a week or two and I take them to mine for a week or two and we make sure we have holidays that are just us and the DC. My Mum doesn't like it (to put in context I have spent 3 weeks of my annual leave with her this year and she was invited to ours for a week Christmas but turned us down) but for us as a family it's important to have relaxing time together.

Nightmanagerfan · 14/09/2019 07:47

I’m late 30s and have just had my first child. I don’t regret buying a flat (London so this was difficult) and getting a senior position at work before getting pregnant. We feel secure not renting and it means it’s worth me going back to work after mat leave. I’ve watched friends struggle to build careers from mid to senior level after having children, so I feel lucky to be in this position. (I wouldn’t necessarily recommend waiting to have a baby though for obvious reasons - our circumstances dictated the timing for ttc.)

PictureWall · 14/09/2019 07:49

Getting into a regular exercise routine was without a doubt the best thing I did at 40. It massively helped my mental health and reduced the stiffness I was beginning to get hints of. I’ve never been sporty until I turned 40.

WitsEnding · 14/09/2019 07:52

At 40 I decided to treat my stable, secure job as just that and forget 'career' to prioritise my children; spend my spare time doing things I enjoy, not overtime or working away. I also took up regular exercise.
Both decisions were absolutely right me and I've benefited lots.

All of my duff decisions have been about men.

CountFosco · 14/09/2019 07:58

I'd like advice from people who have wisdom about whether to rock the boat and go for the third child just when everything is starting to feel settled and (dare I say it) too easy!?

I had 3 in under 5 years (18m gap then 3y gap) and although it was hard work when they were very young it's now busy but great (now 7, 10, 11) . DH was one of 3 and I was one of 4 so we are used to a busy family life and we both have good jobs that pay well, are local and flexible which makes it easier. Being squashed into a smaller house, having to count the pennies or having a very demanding career with a long commute would change the equation.

Chitarra · 14/09/2019 08:01

Twitney did you see my post above? Not sure I'd do it if I had my time again!

Ragwort · 14/09/2019 08:06

Best decision was having a ‘gap year’ at 40, gave up my career, rented out the house, travelled and worked abroad for a year (with DH), we didn’t have children then, came back and got pregnant (surprise) at 42 .

I appreciate not everyone can do that but it really gave our lives a big jolt, we had been merrily bumbling along, good steady careers, nice period property in a posh town ... but all a bit ‘predictable’. We moved when we got back to a totally new part of the country, new friends, new job (for DH), I was able to be a SAHM, new experiences.

There are downsides, now can’t afford to retire until well into our late 60s but already planning a shorter re-run of our travels when we eventually retire.

HandsOffMyRights · 14/09/2019 08:20

We moved to a bigger house (for school) but in retrospect I wish we'd stayed in our smaller, affordable house, paid off the mortgage and I could have left a demanding job.

I'm 46 and my job's getting more stressful. Im finding the teen years more demanding too (maybe it's because I'm older?) so I need to change jobs.

My advice? Don't stick in a job that you don't like. Don't overstretch yourself on property.

Do look after yourself (I can't even seem to go to one weekly fitness class because of work/home demands cropping up every week...)so...do be selfish now and then.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/09/2019 08:48

Best was definitely joining AA and finding sobriety. Probably also taking jobs local to where I live, rather than looking at salary as the main criterion.

I'm sure that I've made bad choices in the same timeframe, but without a control experiment, it's hard to say - I think life is a continual tree diagram so I have no idea where I'd be if I'd taken another route. Apart from the recovery choice, as I would be dead.

LeoTimmyandVi · 14/09/2019 09:08

Yes, I refrained as an OT at 39 and have now been qualified for 3 months. I disliked the training bit love the job now I am doing it - stimulates my brain and keeps me busy!

The other is just accepting me for me, I have always loathed and detested my body, too fat, too ugly, unfashionable etc. I have a 14 year old daughter and I read somewhere never say things about yourself that you wouldn’t say to your daughter. Really made me think!

Lastly, acceptance that I am an introvert and that is not going to change. I am most happy spending my time at home and have a trusted circle of people who I like to spend my time with and that is fine.

So I think acceptance seems to be the big thing for me

Pinkarsedfly · 14/09/2019 09:23

Don’t give too much time/help/materially to friends. They so very often don’t deserve it and you’ll end up hurt.

A job that makes you ill is absolutely not worth it. Just walk away. They’ll cope without you and they don’t deserve to take your good mental health.

Get fit. That few extra pounds you carry in your late thirties will magically become a couple of stone in your mid forties and then you have a mountain to climb.

Keep an eye on the booze. Don’t fuck with it - it’ll win.

Enjoy your kids as much as possible, if you have them. One day you’ll pop your head out of your bedroom door to tell something to one of them, and they’ll have flown. It’s that quick.

Don’t be afraid to be disliked. Demands may start coming your way soon from elderly parents that need more than you can give, and it really is ok, and actually essential in some ways, to say ‘no’. Help can turn into enabling, and it will take a toll on you if you don’t watch out.

Enjoy yourself. It really is later than you think.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 14/09/2019 09:40

Applied for and got a much more challenging job within the same company in my early 40s. Got a 30% payrise with it.

I love my job and no longer have the Sunday night work dread. They've also funded training so, for the first time in my life, I have some decent professional qualifications. The level of faith they have in me has built my confidence and changed my mindset and I work with an amazing team. Best career decision I ever made.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 14/09/2019 09:45

The best decision I made in my mid 30's was to get fit and stop eating crap.

mummymeister · 14/09/2019 09:51

We both gave up very well paid jobs in London to relocate to the back end of nowhere and start our own business. best thing we ever did. wish I had had the guts to do it 20 years before. Its hard work but it gives me flexibility and time with my children which we just wouldnt have had had we stayed with our London jobs.

RitmoRatmo · 14/09/2019 09:54

Ended 12yr marriage, found new lovely partner, took plunge to go into management, decided to work more hours, took up sport, lost weight, did several competitions in new sport.

In short, turned life upside down. And all the happier for it!

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