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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH called me a bitch in front of DC

26 replies

Vegena · 13/09/2019 19:09

Has your DH ever called you a bitch in rage in front of DC?

I haven't spoken to him in two days. Thought today he would grovel but all there was is a

I said sorry

Why are you so sad

It is my first week back at work from maternity and I have a cold on top. DH home all day with children yesterday morning having a lovely time. Great.

Long story short I snapped at the state of the house after standing in a pile of food from breakfast and he yelled I was a bitch in front of our two young DDs

It wasn't as he was rushed off his feet as they were all sat on the sofa watching Tv

The thing I hate is I'm not sure if I should be completely hurt he called me it in front of our DDs for them to hear

Or if it is my fault commenting on a messy house (after I spent mon-wed doing my usual cleaning around working and childcare)

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2019 21:25

I think your reaction to a bit of mess was way over the top but it's absolutely not OK for your DH to call you names in front of your children. He should be able to express irritation without calling you a bitch and certainly not in front of your children.

(I'm assuming you didn't call him anything first.)

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2019 21:27

My husband's life wouldn't be worth living if he ever did that, even in private. Totally unacceptable.

Span1elsRock · 13/09/2019 21:32

Not on at all, regardless of the circumstances.

And the fact he's not even sorry about it says it all.

Is that the way you want your kids to grow up?

C0untDucku1a · 13/09/2019 21:35

He was looking after the children. One a baby. Anything on top of that was a bonus. He was probably exhausted from looking after the children all day. You overreacted initially.

Ilikethisone · 13/09/2019 21:38

It's really not ok.

But if a woman was looking after kids and her husband came in and complained about the pots, mners would be calling him some choice words aswell.

Ohyesiam · 13/09/2019 21:40

I think it’s fine to react to the mess, but snapping often comes off badly.

But calling you a bitch under any circumstances is totally unacceptable to me, let alone in front of my kids. Saying sorry is a step in the right direction, but he needs to understand just how unacceptable it is.

SuperSara · 13/09/2019 21:48

What @Ilikethisone said.

Absolutely unacceptable to call you anything, let alone in front DC, but we'd have had LTBs and c*nts aimed at the man by now if this was reversed.

IceQueenCometh · 13/09/2019 22:05

exDH called me a c**t infront of my DCs. I divorced him.

crazypeppermint · 13/09/2019 22:13

He shouldn't have called you a bitch in front of your DC but also snapping at someone when you walk in the house in front of kids isn't ideal either, plus two days of not talking.

You said he said sorry, if you weren't happy with his apology you should have said something to him rather than hoping he would grovel. If you have a baby realistically has he sat all day watching TV?

Ilikethisone · 13/09/2019 22:29

Plenty of mners would say 2 days of silent treatment, waiting for your partner to start grovelling, when they have apologised, is abusive too.

NoSauce · 13/09/2019 22:35

If a man walked in from work and snapped at his wife because the place was a tip but she’d been home all day looking after a baby and another young child people on here would be telling her to call him a bastard.

Namechange92810 · 13/09/2019 22:42

Completely unacceptable to call you that, especially in front of the kids. I would be furious.
You probably over reacted to the mess but you have my sympathy - it's really hard going back to work after mat leave, i was quite emotional. Being sick on top of that, really can't have been much fun. Hope you feel better soon, and that you get a proper apology

Hecateh · 13/09/2019 22:42

My ex signed his exit note the time he said to the DC 'ignore her she's ....' I can't even remember what I was supposed to be possibly hormonal, irrational, stupid, I don't know - it was irrelevant - he told the kids to ignore me and that was enough - they were 5 and 6 years old. It took me a few years and many more incidents but that was the beginning of the end.

There is always context - and if it's a one off, then talking about it may more things forward. If this was the first time he has done anything on this scale and is open to discussion then hopefully it's a blip.

Only you know if this is the final straw or a blip

Waveysnail · 13/09/2019 22:47

2 days of silent treatment - are you 5??

Strugglingtodomybest · 13/09/2019 22:51

I think on reflection that I could get over my DH calling me a bitch and then apologising for it faster than I could get over him giving me the silent treatment for 2 days even though I'd already apologised.

You are obviously struggling a bit as a couple though, so perhaps sit down with him and have an honest talk about how you're both feeling. Babies are a stressful time, I found.

EAIOU · 13/09/2019 22:55

I wouldn't forgive the bitch comment tbh.

However it depends how often he has kids all day by himself- I'd say the same thing for either gender but if he used to you being the home maker role then it may be he needs time to adapt and find his own routine.

If it were me, I would of greeted them all and taken myself off for a hot bath to relax after work.

Was this a one off name calling scenario? Or has it happened before? Its inexcusable.

EAIOU · 13/09/2019 22:55

Also I've given the silent treatment before. It helps me process my feelings and avoids anything said that cant be taken back.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/09/2019 23:11

Should he have said it in front of the kids? Not really.

Does that mean you weren't a bitch. No.

EKGEMS · 13/09/2019 23:18

I'd be referring to him in the past tense if mine did that

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 23:24

It's not often that the first poster has it but I agree with @dollydaydream114. You shouldn't have snapped about the state of the house. That was totally not on. He should definitely not have called you a bitch.

So I would have a chat once kids are in bed, apologise for your massive overreaction to a bit of clutter and explain that how he spoke to you was totally unacceptable and that you never want him to speak like that in front of the children again.

MashedSpud · 13/09/2019 23:26

You know your marriage isn’t going to be long lasting if you don’t speak to each other for days after an argument.

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 23:27

Oh and you are going to have to apologise for two days of silent treatment too.

expatinspain · 13/09/2019 23:31

You were out of order. Your sulking is out of order too. Have you apologised for having a go at him as well?

Wildorchidz · 13/09/2019 23:36

Look at the harm you are doing to your children. Not speaking for 2 days is horrible.

Ponoka7 · 13/09/2019 23:42

Where did you learn that's it ok to give your Spouse the silent treatment?

I agree that this is very harmful to the children to witness and they do witness it, as much as you may think they don't. Seeing as it's them that made the mess, they also internalise that it's somehow their fault. Get out the habit of doing this.

You both need to communicate properly and really shouldn't have had more children until you did.

They'd had a lovely morning until you turned up.

You were within your right to point out the food in the floor, but not to snap.

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