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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure this is the right place, but...

36 replies

badgerread · 13/09/2019 12:32

I’m so fed up, upset, low and don’t know what to do. I am a single mother to two amazing boys, 15 & 10. I have a partner (7 years together) who is very supportive but we don’t live together for various reasons (both happy with that) I work full time and own my own house with a mortgage. I am a PA to a CEO and MD, both different but very demanding in their own ways.

My ExH (the boys’ father) committed suicide 4 months and my life has been a living hell since then. My boys appear to be doing ok, not talking about it very much but I am keeping a close eye on them, being there for them and encouraging them to talk if they want to, basically loving them as much as ever. My eldest is having a ‘taster’ counselling session at school to see if he’s ready yet to talk about things, my youngest is receiving pastoral care at school, they are happy and enjoying their sports as normal, they would have seen their Dad every 2/4 weeks, he had been living with a new partner and her 4 children 2.5hrs drive away. We split up 9.5 years ago and until he got together with his new partner, had a good co-parenting relationship.

He had a suffered mental health problems for a long time, having a breakdown in 2007 and being sectioned in 2008 while we were together. He was prescribed lithium. We broke up in January 2010 and apparently (according the inquest) hadn’t been to the doctor since Feb 2012 so was unmedicated.

His family and partner are blaming me for his death, saying that I, ‘killed the golden goose and now want reward’ as I am contesting his partner due to her saying her and her children were financially dependent on him, even though their father is sill alive and maintaining them, we have already take one of the pension providers to the Ombudsman as she has been awarded 60% of the payouts. He left no will and did not name any beneficiaries or nominees on his pensions, therefore the payouts are at the discretion of the trustees. There are four providers and we have heard from two, contesting them both. This money could be very helpful to them in the future, uni, a house, whatever.

We do not have a relationship with his parents or his partner and they have made no contact directly with me to see the children, instead try and go through my 15 year old which I have asked them to stop as 1) he is still vulnerable and doesn’t need to be stuck in the middle and b) I am their mother. They still haven’t contacted me.

I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of working, making mistakes (at work) and tired of the pressure. I earn £38,500 a year and pay school fees (the eldest has a bursary so I pay £226 a month, he can’t leave as he’s in Y11) I pay childcare of around £100 a month for the youngest, plus the normal day to day mortgage, bills, food care etc etc, and also now don't receive child maintenance of £481 a month.

I think I want to get a lower paid, less pressured, maybe part time job, I would have less money each money obviously but I just want to be happy again, instead of worrying, not sleeping and suffering with terrible anxiety when I wake up thinking of work. I’m currently on 15mg citralopam and 10mg propranolol plus Zopiclone if I can’t sleep.

I just want to be happy again.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 13/09/2019 12:37

How horribly hard! YANBU to contest things.

It WILL pass. It's the worst time now...right in the middle of it but it WILL get better.

Have you anyone to talk to in real life?

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 12:41

Thank you. I have my parents, partner and friends but they are very much you have to stick with your job as it pays well and otherwise you can't afford anything, but it's making me SO anxious and unhappy. Is it really worth it?

I am going to see a counsellor next week for the first time which I'm hoping will help..

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 13/09/2019 12:42

I don't think you should change your job at this point. Is your younger child in private school too? Are you paying fees for him?

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 13:02

No he won't be going, he's currently in Y6 and going to a new secondary in our catchment..

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 13/09/2019 13:41

Well I think if you stick things out a bit longer, it will improve. Will DS be staying on at private for sixth form?

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 13:46

He really wants to and if my salary went down his fees would too as they're means tested, it all depends on whether he gets the grades at GCSE..

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 13:50

I know it's easier said than done but hang in there for now. I am so sorry to read what has happened but it is a testament to how well you're doing that your boys are still thriving. See out the storm. Contest it. They are LITERALLY his kids.

ThePhoenixRises · 13/09/2019 13:55

Could you contact the school and explain everything and ask, as a one off, would they agree to a top up bursary for the rest of year 11?

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 13:57

They already have :(

OP posts:
Janedoughnut · 13/09/2019 13:57

How long have you been in your job and have you always felt under this amount if stress. If the stress is only recently and you've been in your job for a while I'd try and hang on before you make any decisions about leaving as things will get easier with time. Could you take sick leave for a bit to give you a break.

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 13:57

Thank you Vladmirs

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 14:16

Jane I've been here just over a year and the stress has definitely got much worse in the last few months. It's a very small company and not the type you take sick leave from, my performance has suffered and to be honest I'm also worried about being let go.... they're not shy about doing that..

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 13/09/2019 14:23

Re work - would they consider reducing your hours and taking on someone else part-time? A job share (doesn't have to be 5050) can be beneficial to the company as you can cover each others leave, sickness, appointments etc. Might be worth pitching it to them before you feel even more swamped and they feel inclined to give you the push.

Neron · 13/09/2019 14:36

Hi OP, I really feel for you. My Dad committed suicide and it's not easy going through this.

We had a lot of trouble from my Dads family, they said it was my Mums fault, really rough time. Mum and me tried to keep things normal for my then 10 and 14 YO sisters. We tried to shield them from dad's family negativity, but things like them organising their own wake after the funeral and not telling us because we were not invited.
All I can say is let his partner and family say whatever they like, you are doing the best for your boys and if it means contesting things then so be it. Mum did for us, our situation was quite dire but she protected us how she could. I can imagine it is draining for you, it was us, so please consider help for yourself. Talk to a counsellor or whoever. We didn't grieve properly because all we had to go through and it ruined our lives far more then if we had tried to deal with things when it was fresh. It's overwhelming, you're the sole parent now and you've so much to manage with no end in sight at the moment. Please be kind to yourself, things do get better I promise, it just takes a lot to struggle through it all right now

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 14:40

Crucially, I think your personal well-being matters most here. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders. Trying to support your boys through a very traumatic episode whilst navigating this shit storm of contesting the non-existent will.

I'm inclined to tell you to hang on as things will get better eventually. But that said, if you were to find yourself a different less intense job and your eldest wouldn't be affected as it's means-tested then you're struggling at this job for no good reason. Yes you'll have to adjust your outgoings/expenditure but if that means you'll feel healthier mentally and emotionally then so be it.

If you're at the point where you're panicking at work and dropping balls all over the place then it might very well be for the best that you look for something else. And indeed before they dismiss you as it'd be much harder from that position than you're in right now. You could leave with a decent reference now but after a potential dismissal for fucking up so much you'll end up in further stress.

It's difficult and I wholly empathise.

15thOctober2019 · 13/09/2019 14:55

Have you taken proper legal advice?

He died without a will but had children (and living parents).

Unless he named his partner on the pensions then they should go to the next of kin and some start an immediate payout to children until they leave education etc

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 14:57

Neron I'm so sorry that you have been through the same, it really is a nightmare isn't it? I think his parents are feeling very guilty that they didn't support him and now they want someone to blame. The boys have not asked to see them which is good in a way, the youngest has asked to see his partners youngest son but not her...

Vladmir thank you, that's exactly what I wanted someone to say, if I can just cutback on my outgoings and find something less intense it would suit me better and without getting the boot...

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 15:00

15th I have sought legal advice yes, however the pensions do not form part of his estate and the payout is entirely at the discretion of the trustees of the provider. Within two weeks of him passing away her and her mother had called all the pension providers and somehow pleased financial dependency (they had the death certificate). The only thing he has as part of his estate is his half of the equity which is about £25k. He bought a house with her 10 months before he died..

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 15:01

pleaded

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/09/2019 15:18

How long had he been with his partner, OP?

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 15:18

I think I've changed my position then. I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive advice but suicide - especially of the boys' father when they ARE still children must really have taken the wind out of everyone's sails.

And now you're having to contest this pension/estate. I then suggest continuing the battle with these trustees, seeking further legal advice but doing so will require you potentially finding something less intense work-wise so you don't lose yourself in the process of dealing with it all. What matters most right now is you keeping it 'together' iyswim? So in that respect you come first now because this will be a real test on your mental and emotional health.

Oh @badgerread I know it's not the done thing but I'm sending you a virtual hug!

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 15:23

On a separate note. I don't think 'being the bigger person' is always worthwhile. They are his children. Her and her kids came along and still have as you said a father that supports them. Your children are having to not only deal with the traumatic suicide of their father but also a reduction in the household income. Sorry but take this the whole fucking way! What a shameless woman. I don't want you to lose resolve as one day your boys will become men and you'll be able to explain all that happened to them. Right now you must be all over the place emotionally but I just urge you to stay strong. Easier said than done. But you're clearly managing! You sound such a strong woman. Being a PA to both a CEO and an MD is no easy task so you're juggling many balls in the air right now.

Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 15:28

Thank you Vladmir you're very kind, hug accepted!
I just want 2019 to be over....

OP posts:
Original poster
badgerread · 13/09/2019 15:30

Sara I think around 5 years? (with a couple of breaks) he moved into her rented house at the beginning of 2016 and then they bought together in June 2018

OP posts:
Neron · 13/09/2019 15:43

Badgerread it certainly is, and I am truly sorry for your loss.
I imagine his parents will feel guilt of some mind. I know I did and it took me a long time to stop feeling it. I felt I should have known, what if I could stop him, but then feelings like was my siblings and I not worth living for, what did we do that our own dad would rather take his own life then continue living. It's a awful, awful time and you're at the beginning.
I understand your financial difficulties and if honest, would you not be trading one set of woes for another? I get why you are thinking along those lines, but the part time money coupled with a new job, new things to learn etc need to be considered too. Keep questioning and fighting regarding your ExH money. He has living dependants - your kids - surely what's gone on so far cannot be right. I know his money will not take place of their Dad, but anything to ease any burdens on you guys must be fought for

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