Not sure this is the right place, but...

[badgerread]

I’m so fed up, upset, low and don’t know what to do. I am a single mother to two amazing boys, 15 & 10. I have a partner (7 years together) who is very supportive but we don’t live together for various reasons (both happy with that) I work full time and own my own house with a mortgage. I am a PA to a CEO and MD, both different but very demanding in their own ways.

My ExH (the boys’ father) committed suicide 4 months and my life has been a living hell since then. My boys appear to be doing ok, not talking about it very much but I am keeping a close eye on them, being there for them and encouraging them to talk if they want to, basically loving them as much as ever. My eldest is having a ‘taster’ counselling session at school to see if he’s ready yet to talk about things, my youngest is receiving pastoral care at school, they are happy and enjoying their sports as normal, they would have seen their Dad every 2/4 weeks, he had been living with a new partner and her 4 children 2.5hrs drive away. We split up 9.5 years ago and until he got together with his new partner, had a good co-parenting relationship.

He had a suffered mental health problems for a long time, having a breakdown in 2007 and being sectioned in 2008 while we were together. He was prescribed lithium. We broke up in January 2010 and apparently (according the inquest) hadn’t been to the doctor since Feb 2012 so was unmedicated.

His family and partner are blaming me for his death, saying that I, ‘killed the golden goose and now want reward’ as I am contesting his partner due to her saying her and her children were financially dependent on him, even though their father is sill alive and maintaining them, we have already take one of the pension providers to the Ombudsman as she has been awarded 60% of the payouts. He left no will and did not name any beneficiaries or nominees on his pensions, therefore the payouts are at the discretion of the trustees. There are four providers and we have heard from two, contesting them both. This money could be very helpful to them in the future, uni, a house, whatever.

We do not have a relationship with his parents or his partner and they have made no contact directly with me to see the children, instead try and go through my 15 year old which I have asked them to stop as 1) he is still vulnerable and doesn’t need to be stuck in the middle and b) I am their mother. They still haven’t contacted me.

I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of working, making mistakes (at work) and tired of the pressure. I earn £38,500 a year and pay school fees (the eldest has a bursary so I pay £226 a month, he can’t leave as he’s in Y11) I pay childcare of around £100 a month for the youngest, plus the normal day to day mortgage, bills, food care etc etc, and also now don't receive child maintenance of £481 a month.

I think I want to get a lower paid, less pressured, maybe part time job, I would have less money each money obviously but I just want to be happy again, instead of worrying, not sleeping and suffering with terrible anxiety when I wake up thinking of work. I’m currently on 15mg citralopam and 10mg propranolol plus Zopiclone if I can’t sleep.

I just want to be happy again.

Don't give up badgerread, his children deserve his pension, you will never have maintence again. Her children have a father to pay maintenence and a mother to live with. Shameless getting in quick qith the inlaws to rob your children of theiir rightful support.

I'm not understanding this. My partner died in 2018 after we had been together for 17 years. We never married, had no children together and there was no will.

I was told I wasn't entitled to anything and that everything he had should go to his adult children who hadn't seen him in 17 years!

Surely you should be in the same position? His children should be entitled to anything there is.

OMG cant I'm so sorry!

Was that his estate or his pension you were told you weren't entitled to?

His pension should be part of his estate - who told you it wasn't? It's his children, not his partner, who should benefit.

Hollow my solicitor and the Pensions Ombudsman

But that's really shocking! He had no will. He wasn't married to anyone. He had children, to whom he was paying child support. Why isn't the value of that child support (as a minimum) being given to the children?

I know Hollow it's so frustrating, we are contesting it so I'll let you know the outcome!

I hope you're successful. I'm really shocked at this, given the children were his dependants.

badgerread so sorry you're going through this. I think you've been advised correctly and pensions will fall outside of someone's estate, and their payment is at the discretion of the scheme trustees. However, they can only act on the information that they're given, so if the GF has claimed dependence on his income then that's likely why they've decided in the way they did.
Do pursue your contact with them, as they will change their decision; an ExW and DC who have maintenance payments will have a definite claim on the pension payout which they cannot ignore.

Keep posting back on this thread when and as you can badgerread. I really feel especially for your boys. I will reiterate that they are still coping in large because of how you are going about things. So that's one thing to be proud of regardless of what happens. Stay strong and your time is coming. Whatever the outcome - you aren't going to break over this.

Hi all
A not very interesting update for you but we still haven't heard despite chasing on a weekly basis, although I am of the thinking that no news is good news and they are looking into everything in more depth. Apparently one of the providers asked for further information from her that has only just been provided.

My ExH parents turned up to my DS10's football match on Saturday, completely blanked me, then walked over to where the coaches stand trying to get involved (they have watched DS a handful of times). I then get a text later that day from ExMIL (first one in months) telling me how DS gets so upset when they lose, and it must have been the tackles, as if I wasn''t there and she knows DS so much better than me, then ended the text, 'regards to them both'??

I text back saying that I know what she has been saying about me (golden goose comment) and that until she apologises there will be no relationship with me or my DC and that I am fed up with being blamed and ignored. She text back, 'Aaaah DH (ExFIL) told me this would happen - ah well'

I am sick of it, sick of being blamed and ignored. I am also worried about her contacting DS15 and slagging me off (she has now jumped on the bipolar bandwagon, claiming she is as well, and I am worried that in her mental state she may say some upsetting things to DS15 by text)