To be hurt by DM and DF's actions?

[Mamalexi343]

So as I'm rocking my 5 week old DS who refuses to go to sleep all of this is swirling through my head. I don't know if it's because I'm sleep deprived or that I'm not feeling ok at the moment or if IABU but I'd like some advice on how to handle it because at this point I have no idea.

I'll try my hardest not to drip feed and I apologise for the length of this post.

10 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my DPs, met my DH and basically set up my life here. We had DD and we tried to visit them and they tried to visit us as much as possible but DM always found a way to make me feel guilty that she doesn't get to see DD enough.

Fast forward to 5 weeks ago and the day after giving birth via cesarean section I'm bombarded with texts from my sister asking if they can come to visit that weekend ( he was born on a Monday) I said can we see how I am as I don't even know when I'll be home. Unbeknownst to me they'd already booked accommodation and then again guilt tripped me into agreeing by saying DH's DM has already met him and she gets to see him all the time.

I get discharged that day and then overwork myself trying to get the house in order only for them to turn up stay for an hour and then leave, making me feel like we were only a stopping point to where they were staying. DD was confused as she thought they'd come to spend time with her but apparently not.

During this visit DH and I mentioned again if they had thought any more about moving here (I'd moved back to my home county and they've been saying over the last few years that they want to move here again) and I said it would be great as they would get to spend time with DC and it would help me out as I'm going back to school in march.

My DF started saying they were looking at areas to move to before my DM cut in that they won't be moving here because DF has made a commitment to the widow of one of his clients.

DF owns his own business and inherited some money when one of his clients, whom he'd worked with for 30 years, died. Now his elderly wife has told DF that she's going to be relying on him fully for help around her estate as she's has no one else and DF accepted with no thought for anything else.

Now I'm no princess, I don't expect them to drop they're whole lives just because I've had children and I'm going back to school and work but they've always implied they would be moving here, all of my siblings have moved out and I'm the only one who has children (the others have made it clear they won't be having any) but if they didn't want to move they should have just said right, I believe they had no intention of moving.

It's left me feeling that me and my family aren't worth it, that we're not anything to them, that this woman is more important than they're DGC. I was planning a trip for all of us to meet half way at Christmas as they were going to be away so we wouldn't see them around that time, we'd done it the year previously however now I'm thinking about cancelling it and using the money to go do something great with my DH and DC.

I haven't heard from DPs since they came to visit 5 weeks ago and they haven't asked anything about the trip so what's the point in doing it? They obviously don't care and are just humouring me because I wanted to right?

Am I right in telling them how all this has made me feel and then ask for NC for a while until I figure out whats best? Or do I not say anything because IAB wildly I? Either way this is eating me up inside and DH has said they are assholes and hates how they're making me feel. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I think you really exhausted from having a new baby and your relatives sound a bit needy but its up to them where they live.

So you want to go NC because your parents won’t move across the country to provide childcare? YABVU

*don't be too hasty about no contact, try to chat with them about things when you are feeling less tired and stressed. Having a newborn can be a nightmare.

Massively unreasonable I think I'm afraid. Your post is very me me me. I really can't see anything wrong in any of it (bar not having heard from them in 5 weeks, a few phone calls would be nice I agree there). Moving house is a huge thing, they have a life and are happy where they are, it's not about choosing anyone over you/your DC, it's about them, their life, I wouldn't relocate because my adult daughter wanted me to. You have only had a baby 5 weeks ago so I mean this as gently as possible, you are being selfish, I get the impression they would struggle to please you anyway and I think your dh calling them arseholes is totally unfair and doing you no favours at all as it's only fuelling your already unfair resentment/ anger towards them.

Get a grip precious!

The relatives sound needy?? that's surely the op, how are the relatives needy?

It's not your parents' job to take care of your baby. That is your job. They already spent years taking care of a baby, and that was you. It would be extremely selfish for you to repay their years of care by going no contact just because they don't want to be your unpaid employees. No doubt this other lady plans to pay them. Or they have some other reason for wanting to move there. It does not matter. Wish them well and work to establish a relationship between them and your child for your child's sake. Children benefit from having grandparents.

Your child. Your responsibility.

Look, OP, you’re exhausted from your new baby and CS recovery. (And congratulations.) They don’t want to move, and you’re unreasonable to expect them to, regardless of vague things they’ve said in the past.

People generally do what they want to do, even while using random excuses. My parents claimed for about fifteen years that they couldn’t go away for a weekend, far less a holiday, because of their cats. All their cats have now died, and they still never go away from home. Fundamentally, they don’t want to. The cats were an alibi, just like the client’s widow.

YABVU. You want them to uproot their whole life to move to you for free childcare? I’d be very disappointed if my adult DC was that selfish.

You and DH chose to have children, it’s your responsibility to juggle them and work. No one else’s.

I can’t believe anyone would go NC on the parents who raised them as they won’t be free childcare for grandchildren.

You've just had a baby, congratulations!

But it does mean that your hormones are ruling your heart right now, so I'd advise caution. Don't make any hasty decisions. Christmas is still a while off.

Think about the issues separately. Christmas is one thing, the potential move another.

I agree it was weird not to spend time with your dd when they'd travelled but maybe they were trying to give you space.

Try to focus on your little family right now. The rest will fall into place, however it's meant to happen.

The first part of your post is you saying the wanted to come too soon free the birth and you were unhappy about that

The 2nd part is you being unhappy they aren't moving closer to you?

I think your exhausted from just having a baby, you up doing a feed/trying to settle baby and you're overthinking things to much

give them a ring tomorrow and casually ask about the Christmas meet up and go from there

I said I don't expect them to move just because I've had children, what I should have said is they've always said they are moving down, they love it here and have always wanted to move back but all of a sudden want to there because of this woman has given them money?

I never said I wanted free childcare, only that it would help, forgot to mention my school is one day a week.

I can see from how I've written it it is coming across as very selfish and I do apologise for that however my whole life they have put everyone else before their family, my siblings would agree.

Again, this isn't about getting free childcare and the NC this is due to stuff like making me feel me and my DC don't matter them for years.

I accept if IABU but want to make it clear this isn't about childcare, this is about that they told us for years they were moving here and all of a sudden this lady has changed their plans just because they gave them some money. All I want is for a relationship with them and with my DC.

I think you're probably hurt and knackered. They don't sound like they're behaving beautifully but probably give it some time to settle down.

My DH's parents lived 2 hours away from us when DS (their only grandchild - my husband is an only, not really relevant but: context) was born. They talked about moving to be near us and moved 2 1/2 hours away in the other direction.

It actually works better for us because it means the easiest way for them to see DS is if he goes to stay for a few days/weekend which obviously I stoically endure while sleeping in late, having interrupted baths and sole control of the TV.

YABU, I’m afraid- other than the fact they haven’t kept in contact for the last 5 weeks, which is very thoughtless. And demanding to come visit was high handed, so you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed about that. Those points are worth talking to your parents about.

However, YABU re expecting them to move and having NC if they won’t. That is emotional blackmail and not really on, in my view. Your parents should not be expected to move and uproot their lives to be nearer you to provide support to you or childcare- regardless of what they might have implied in the past. I suspect they did not promise you they would move. Perhaps they thought it might be nice when it was an abstract thought, but the reality of it is different and they have decided to stay put. That is not unreasonable or selfish- they have lives independent of you and your children, bluntly. Thst doesn’t mean they don’t care or can’t build a relationship with their grandchildren, if they make an effort. I was closer to my grandmother who lived 100’s of miles away than the one who lived 25 miles down the road.

In addition, although your siblings currently don’t want children, there is no way of knowing if that might change. And then what? Parents move again to be nearer them or half way between you? It’s daft- let them live where they want to.

When you set up life far away from your family, that’s just how it is, it’s not wrong, of course not- you chose to live where you do for good reasons m, I would imagine. But, it does mean that you don’t get the same amount of support day to day as you would if they were close by. It’s just how life is.

My advice would be to speak them about needing more moral support (if that is what you want) and contact with them (again, if that is what you want). But certainly don’t demand they move nearer to you.

You havent heard from them in 5 weeks, have you tried to contact them.

Maybe they are thinking the same thing "mamalexi hasn't contacted us for 5 weeks and we havent heard about the Christmas trip so I guess she has changed her mind"

YABU for expecting them to move a long way because you have kids and your siblings dont. Why dont you move closer to them if you are so keen to live close?

Have said it twice now, I don't expect them to uproot and move just because I'd like them to, they have said themselves they wanted to move here to be close to us.

I've tried calling them, left them messages and have heard nothing, they've never been interested in contact.

So they always so they want to move close but then you say they never make an effort. To be honest I think you just need to accept they have their own lives and lower tour expectations, you'll be much happier in yourself, realise that actually they are happy where they are. Yabu to expect them to move and yes I know it's not about child care and it's only because they have said it but that's all well and good in theory but if they don't want to move they don't have to and not doing so doesn't make them arseholes. I would actually love to hear their side of this

Your expectations are too high. One day a week indefinite childcare for free is a massive ask. I wouldn’t want to do it and if they wanted to they’d offer. Of course it would help, it would’ve helped us too but we spent thousands on nursery and childminders instead. Everything seems worse when you’re tired though, but I would make your plans excluding them.

Thank you everyone for your response, I guess I'll try and get some sleep and try to let it go, I doubt I'll try with working on more contact as I've tried in the past and they just don't seem interested when it comes down to it.

Take them moving nearer to you out of the equation. If you had just posted that they insisted on visiting immediately after birth, put you to a lot of inconvenience and then only stayed for an hour and upset dd who wanted to see more of them I don’t think you’d be getting all this negative criticism. Am I right in thinking dh called them assholes more because they made all this fuss to visit and now haven’t been in touch for 5 weeks and have upset you and dd? It sounds like dm was more thinking about herself and wanting to see dgs because your dh’s mother had already and not thinking about how you would cope with visitors so soon after a Caesarian. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about any of the above. You’ve said your mother has a back history of not taking your feelings into account. I think the comments about you being very unreasonable are based only on part of your post. YANBU to feel upset by their behaviour. I would say cancel the meet up halfway. It’s not worth the stress. Explain to your DM that you and dd were upset that that they only stayed for 1 hour and you would have liked to have seen more of them. She may have wanted to have stayed longer but realised you were tired. To build bridges it would be worth asking her to explain how she felt about the visit. Good luck and don’t be guilt tripped by her

Its entirely possible that the birth of your child, and the stuff that's happened recently, has brought into focus how they've always treated you.

You've tried contacting them, they're not interested. They've said they'll move, but then changed their minds for someone else.

I think you're going to have to expect less from them. They do have their own lives as others have said, and you can't force interest if it isn't there.

Maybe take this to the Relationships board, because if this is an example of how they've always been, there will be advice for you.

Congratulations on your new snuggly baby. You’ve got your own little family now and that’s the important thing because they are your future.

Your parents have talked of moving nearer to you and you were looking forward to it but it seems that they have changed their minds and this is ok. If they have never been ones for initiating contact then not much else has changed.

Your hormones will be out of kilter at the moment and you are bound to be tired so I wouldn’t make any decisions yet. YANBU to feel the way you do but it sounds as if your parents have always been like this and are not going to change now. You would be better to plan things to suit your little family keeping your parents in the loop and let them do their own thing. Perhaps your dd could send them (by post) a letter, post card, photo or a picture to keep contact.

YANBU to be disappointed that their plans to move nearer to you seem to have changed. However you have to appreciate that it is a huge change to their lives! They’ll be leaving their friends and social circle behind and will have to start afresh by you-that’s a massive thing to do. I suspect they’ve had a change of heart and may very well be using your DF’s commitments to this lady to hide behind.

YABVU to consider going NC because of their decision and hopefully when you’re recovered from your CS and are a little less sleep deprived you’ll see that.

You should concentrate your efforts on maintaining the relationship you have with them and just spend time with them as and when you can.