To be hurt by DM and DF's actions?

[Mamalexi343]

So as I'm rocking my 5 week old DS who refuses to go to sleep all of this is swirling through my head. I don't know if it's because I'm sleep deprived or that I'm not feeling ok at the moment or if IABU but I'd like some advice on how to handle it because at this point I have no idea.

I'll try my hardest not to drip feed and I apologise for the length of this post.

10 years ago I moved 300 miles away from my DPs, met my DH and basically set up my life here. We had DD and we tried to visit them and they tried to visit us as much as possible but DM always found a way to make me feel guilty that she doesn't get to see DD enough.

Fast forward to 5 weeks ago and the day after giving birth via cesarean section I'm bombarded with texts from my sister asking if they can come to visit that weekend ( he was born on a Monday) I said can we see how I am as I don't even know when I'll be home. Unbeknownst to me they'd already booked accommodation and then again guilt tripped me into agreeing by saying DH's DM has already met him and she gets to see him all the time.

I get discharged that day and then overwork myself trying to get the house in order only for them to turn up stay for an hour and then leave, making me feel like we were only a stopping point to where they were staying. DD was confused as she thought they'd come to spend time with her but apparently not.

During this visit DH and I mentioned again if they had thought any more about moving here (I'd moved back to my home county and they've been saying over the last few years that they want to move here again) and I said it would be great as they would get to spend time with DC and it would help me out as I'm going back to school in march.

My DF started saying they were looking at areas to move to before my DM cut in that they won't be moving here because DF has made a commitment to the widow of one of his clients.

DF owns his own business and inherited some money when one of his clients, whom he'd worked with for 30 years, died. Now his elderly wife has told DF that she's going to be relying on him fully for help around her estate as she's has no one else and DF accepted with no thought for anything else.

Now I'm no princess, I don't expect them to drop they're whole lives just because I've had children and I'm going back to school and work but they've always implied they would be moving here, all of my siblings have moved out and I'm the only one who has children (the others have made it clear they won't be having any) but if they didn't want to move they should have just said right, I believe they had no intention of moving.

It's left me feeling that me and my family aren't worth it, that we're not anything to them, that this woman is more important than they're DGC. I was planning a trip for all of us to meet half way at Christmas as they were going to be away so we wouldn't see them around that time, we'd done it the year previously however now I'm thinking about cancelling it and using the money to go do something great with my DH and DC.

I haven't heard from DPs since they came to visit 5 weeks ago and they haven't asked anything about the trip so what's the point in doing it? They obviously don't care and are just humouring me because I wanted to right?

Am I right in telling them how all this has made me feel and then ask for NC for a while until I figure out whats best? Or do I not say anything because IAB wildly I? Either way this is eating me up inside and DH has said they are assholes and hates how they're making me feel. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Don’t put yourself out for them any more. They just wanted to tick a box to say they’d met the baby. They didn’t come to see if you were ok (after major surgery), give you any say in the plans, help you around the house. They got exactly what they wanted, and then left.

This is their plan into the future, too. ‘All care, no responsibility’ is much easier from a couple of hours away, and they know it. They prefer a life without childcare and daily contact with you. They got used to it when you moved away, they aren’t going to budge. They will use any (fantastical) excuse to lower your expectations. After they left, they likely rolled their eyes at your silly insistence about them moving closer. As if.

Since you’re clearly meant to get along without any help from them, get with that program. Concentrate on forming good connections and support where you live. There are some fab people around, with loads of proper love to give. We are given the chance in life to form a new ‘family’ (I like to say tribe) when our biological family lets us down. It’s not so dramatic or shocking, it’s fairly great actually.

Some families live that fairytale you’ve got in your head, but yours (and mine, and millions more) don’t. Sooner you stop believing, happier you’ll be.

Once you’ve created a more solid base where you live, and stop counting on the fairytale, you’ll see it more clearly. You’ll also start enforcing your own boundaries better. ‘Sorry, that visit plan doesn’t suit us. Pity you booked accommodation without asking us first. We’ll catch up with you next time- lovely weather so I’m sure you’ll find heaps of fun things to do in our town or maybe try for a refund.’

The sky actually doesn’t fall in when you say these things. It really doesn’t.

Sorry but I think you’re being very unreasonable, although I can understand why as you’ve just had a baby and might be feeling in pain and hormonal and emotional! But honestly, it’s absolutely up to your parents where they live and they are well within their rights to change their mind about moving some so far away, especially when 1) that’s a huge deal anyway and 2) now is clearly not a good time for them. I think you’re trying to make it about them not caring about your children because then you become the victim and they become the bad guys, but it’s clearly not about that at all! You would be acting very spoilt and selfish if you considered cutting contact with them over this.

As for them only staying one hour - I’m sorry but when they asked to visit you sounded less than impressed or keen from what it sounds like in your OP. It seems like they only came that weekend as they had already booked the accommodation. So maybe they didn’t want to overstay their welcome as they thought they weren’t really welcome?

I think you’re being very unreasonable that you seem to want them there but only when it suits you and only so they can help you. You don’t NEED your parents there for childcare, I have never had childcare from my parents and we get by. It is not a right. You would be really awful if you went NC with your parents over these small things in my honest opinion. Sorry OP.

Just read your comments and I think you’re being even more unreasonable! They have made a commitment to an elderly widow and want to honor this commitment - they sound like they’re doing the right thing! Not moving has nothing to do with your children and you need to stop using them as an excuse to throw a strop with your parents. Your husband sounds like the asshole here - you have hormones as an excuse, what’s his excuse? Sorry but this is one of the most wildly unreasonable ‘AIBU’ threads I’ve ever read. And I don’t buy the whole ‘they haven’t called me for 5 weeks to plan the trip’ thing unless you’ve been repeatedly calling them to plan it and they’ve cancelled your calls or something. It sounds like you and your husband need to grow up and not be so selfish and have such crazy high expectations. DH is from another country and his family are desperate for us to move there. We have always said we will consider it but have decided it’s not a good time and doesn’t suit us. If they asked to go no contact with me over our personal decision to not base our whole lives around them then I think I’d just cut them out my life altogether for being so unreasonable. Sorry to be harsh but you sound like you’re considering doing a really terrible thing so hopefully these replies can help you to see sense before you do something kind of unforgivable.

Yabu to expect them to follow through on old conversations where they might like to move.
Yanbu to expect a bit more interest from them, but you can't change them. So you accept them for what they are, when they moan about not seeing ch, then say well that was your decision. Nc seems way over the top, they couldn't care less, so you need to adopt that approach too, don't make plans and don't expect anything.

YABU. They are allowed to change their minds and to have their own reasons for wanting to. It was your choice to move away and it’s as much up to you than them to make sure they see your family.

It was your choice to knock yourself out post CS to get your house clean. It goes against advice and presumably your DH could have done that if it was vitally important? Same with you going back to school for one day a week.

It seems you’ve made your choices to suit you but are upset because others aren’t making choices to suit you as well. Fine, be disappointed by it, but telling them you are going NC to “work out what’s best” is completely childish and selfish. They’ve been NC for 5 weeks, that time obviously hasn’t been helpful. No idea why they’ve done that, maybe they’ve been busy (I realised yesterday I haven’t spoken to my mum in 3 weeks, it’s been a hectic time) or maybe you said or did something to upset them - more likely if they haven’t responded to your several attempts to contact them.

You chose this life. Live it. Don’t expect others to choose your life too.

I can see from how I've written it it is coming across as very selfish and I do apologise for that however my whole life they have put everyone else before their family, my siblings would agree.

Ah, now I understand rather more where you're coming from. My parents are the same, particularly my mother -- in her case, it's because she has a very fragile sense of self, and has never fully understood that her children (all now in our late 30s and 40s) are not her, so she would think it was 'selfish' to prioritise her children over an appeal from someone who wasn't her offspring, and is a terrible people-pleaser, only the people she pleases don't include her offspring, because we are basically her and thus come last.

This is compounded by the fact that she and my father are more comfortable with 'duties', usually self-imposed. They are in good health, retired, recently sold part of their garden, and there is nothing at all stopping them having a lovely, carefree time, apart from these self-imposed 'duties' (cat-sitting every single weekend for people who could afford to pay a professional, as one example).

They would absolutely choose to view an expectation from someone to whom they have no obligation at all like your father's ex-client's widow as compulsory, purely because they prefer to feel bound by duty and obligation. In my case, I realise that this is fundamentally who they are, and it will never change.

In my case, I don't want them to do anything more than enjoy themselves a bit before their health gets poorer, but they are determined not to.

Mamalexi, I think I can understand more of where you're coming from, too. It sounds as if your parents are the types who act hot and cold, who can be very charming and then suddenly disengage, just when you allow yourself to lower your defenses and be charmed by them. That can be extremely hurtful if so. Am I correct?