I feel like in laws ruined the arrival of first baby

[Hannie123]

A little background:I have a beautiful little boy who is just 4 weeks and the most sweetest and supportive husband. We tried for a baby after going through the loss of a baby and was over the moon when we finally got pregnant again. We’ve always struggled with fitting in with the in laws as they never ‘approved’ of our marriage as I’m from a different race. They have on numerous times made this apparent resulting in DH having limited contact with them overall.

I had a very very traumatic labour and it was quite touch and go. Wasn’t initially allowed any visitors when DH invited MIL she said she wouldn’t be able to make it, which was fine and I wasn’t bothered by at all. However, once we were home, MIL did visit and immediately snatched baby off me and did not ask how I am. DH picked up on this and told me he felt upset that his mum didn’t seem to talk to me during her visit. She left and that’s when it all started. Constant phone calls and text messages from SIL stating DH has not been involving his mum enough. Saying when they die we will live to regret it all (all texts were emotionally blackmailing). Eventually DH called his mum and he was very emotional. He explained we just had a baby, I was healing and we was adjusting to our new life and she is always welcome. She began shouting at him and it was my instinct to take the phone. I asked her what’s the matter, and she began shouting at me and becoming hysterical. She told DH that she is no longer his mother and she is cutting all ties.

A few weeks has passed and MIL seems to forget what has happened and is trying to go back to ‘normal’ (whatever that was before). Calling DH and me asking how we are etc. But no acknowledgement as to what took place a few weeks ago. I haven’t spoken to her myself but DH has.

This is where I’m having trouble. I have delayed responses so at the time I just got on with everything. The pain from surgery, having a newborn and in laws bombarding is with horrible messages (some of them was awful). But now the adrenaline has come down and I’m feeling really upset by what happened. I feel like what should of been the most special time in my life was overshadowed by all this. I feel angry and frustrated at times and I really don’t know how to deal with all these emotions. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way and not wanting to have anything to do with them anymore?

I’m not surprised you feel this way. What does DH say about it? You are well within your rights to say she isn’t welcome in your house.

It’s common to have a ‘crash’ a few weeks after having a baby as you final have a chance to reflect on things and the constant poor sleep catches up with you. It might be worth discussing it with your HV or GP.

Just wanted to say congratulations on your beautiful baby and welcome to new motherhood. I hope you delight in how much your baby grows and develops this year.

Your MIL sounds utterly vile and you're not at all wrong to not want anything to do with her. It would be a brilliant time to set boundaries for how you want the relationship to be going forward. Otherwise you might find down the line you hate the way she disrespects you in front of your child, but it's harder to stop because she's been given carte blanche for several years by then.

I suggest talking with your husband about what is appropriate, but in your shoes, there's no way she'd be welcome in my home or around my child without a sincere apology first and commitment to treat me with respect. Your husband can do what he wants - will be harder for him to stand up to her because he's had a lifetime of conditioning - but there's no reason you should have to let yourself be abused.

Maybe tell him - you wouldn't let a colleague or a neighbour treat you like that and still reach out to them, and yet you have to accept that treatment from the person who owes you most love and care? Fuck that!

I get you wanting to have limited contact, I can't understand why you took the phone off your husband

I agree with Emilia, and I think it's perfectly understandable why you'd take the phone off your husband. It was all so unbelievable. You need the buy-in of your husband to keep your in laws off your back.

You sound like a lovely family OP! Congratulations on new baby

Try to zone out mil from your memories of this wonderful time and bring into focus all the special moments you've had together in the first four weeks, and seeing your baby boy for the first time, being all home together, and bonding as a family. You speak well of your DH, so there's been lots of things to celebrate in your new motherhood. Now is the time to let dh deal with his dm, and take a backseat to it, whilst you get on with enjoying these early months as much as possible, they soon fly by.

Is there a lot of info missing here Op?

Your MIL and SIL sound horrible.

Your baby is not a toy, you don't have to share him. You especially don't have to expose him or yourself to people who see fit to verbally bash you when they want attention. If you they can't be pleasant and supportive of you as a new Mum (case in point- their actions to date!) then they shouldn't be around you or the baby at all.

DH needs to step up and manage them. He needs to tell them their behaviour was unacceptable and that he doesn't want their tension around his new family at this time.

There really needs to be consequences and a clear message that this behaviour is not on, or she will keep doing it to get her way. She doesn't get to pretend everything is dandy and be welcomed into your home. She dropped a series of emotional bombs on your family at a time when you were at your most vulnerable. It's incredibly selfish and destructive behaviour.

I suggest you move this question to the Relationships board, which has great advice about managing family members like this.

I also recommend ordering a copy of Susan Forward's book 'toxic in laws' and reading the Captain Awkward blog.

My PIL threw tantrums in the weeks following my first child's birth as well. It was my first real clue as to how controlling and cruel they were going to be. I was too tired and overwhelmed to deal with them properly. But looking back I see it was a crucial time to communicate boundaries and acceptable behaviour, but I missed it. I was focused on keeping the peace and trying to calm them down and make everyone happy. The result was they felt empowered and entitled and their behaviour just got worse and worse.

It's sadly common for new grandparents to do some version of this. They feel a loss of control and relevance when their son/daughter have a baby- because they aren't in charge anymore, they are spectators. They aren't the focus of their DC's attention. Normal healthy people are happy for the new family, proud that their child is independent and doing well, pleased to take a supportive role at this stage of life.

But that's not your In laws. They are trying to hold on to their power through the use of emotional blackmail.

Show them it will not work.

If they are kind, calm, supportive = time with GC

If they are cruel, dramatic, demanding = 'sorry Mum, that's not on. Let's try another meeting in a few weeks when you've calmed down.'

Keep her accountable.

Congratulations on your baby!

I am so sorry that your in laws have treated you this way.

Sounds to me like low contact (very low) or none at all would be good for your family.

If they think racism is ok then they don't deserve a relationship with you or your child.

That is before their emotional abuse and bullying behaviour is even considered.

Do not reward this terrible behaviour with attention. Ignore.

concentrate on you, your dh and the little one.

Block them from contacting you unless they are able to be civil, which is highly unlikely.

I’m not surprised you’re angry. My mother has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and had a lot of difficulty adjusting to the new status quo. It came to a head when dd was around 7 and I properly asserted my authority after she, my brother and sil were horrible about my dd. Ie They started treated her how they treat me.

It sounds as if talking about this would be good. If you feel you need therapy to help with your feelings and to help you establish boundaries, before your lo is mobile will be easier.

Your baby is a baby now but he won’t be forever. Who knows how they will be with him later. They may idolise him or they may turn against him because of his origins or when he shows his own personality. It is much easier to establish boundaries before this happens so they know the expectation. You are in charge now. Your in laws have become your dhs extended family. You, your dh, and your ds are the nuclear family.

Just to say OP you married your husband not them.Should you choose to tell them where to go and how to get there that is fine! They have behaved terribly and maybe they pushed the boundaries out of sheer excitement and joy for the new baby but regardless they are wrong and you owe then precisely nothing...
I would suggest a strong back off message sent stating if they do not give you the space you need and the respect you deserve then they will due to their actions alone loose all of you ...now whether or not you should choose to do this course of action doesnt matter they wont know you aren't serious.It might just get the desired effect of pulling them into line.The only thing that won;t make it better is if they choose to let their stupidity and demanding behaviour escalate,if they do then they will loose anyway.I know you are feeling awful and defeated right now and totally worn down with this stress especially right when you simply do not need the hassle but you can win here,You are in a very powerful position should you but realise it!Let the phone go to answer machine enjoy your time wit your baby and husband and deal with them if and when you see fit.

Huge congratulations on the arrival of your baby!

OP this woman is showing exactly who she is and she will attempt to ruin your relationship with your husband, your extended in laws and finally your baby.
I, personally would see no other option but to completely remove her from every avenue of my life.

Your DH needs to ask your MIL if she thinks her behaviour was acceptable. He needs to not let her brush it under the carpet. Every time she tries to turn it into something about her he needs to repeatedly ask if she thinks it is acceptable to scream abuse at a woman who has just given birth. Don't let her off the hook. If she refuses to acknowledge what she did then you ALL need to go LC. As for SIL, go NC with her immediately

If my MIL behaved like this I would just refuse to have anything to do with her. I would tell your DH that she is not welcome in your house any more but that if he still chooses to see her you won't mind. She is still his mother after all and he may wish to still see her. That doesn't mean he's choosing her over you!
I would also do the same with SIL as she was so rude too.
Just block their numbers completely from your ohone, delete from social media etc. You don't really need to over think it or feel bad for doing so. I doubt if she's ever going to change her attitude towards you so you've nothing to lose.

Kick them into touch. They sound vile.

I think you may even have a touch of PTSD from and encounter like this!

Snatching your baby from your arms is not on. Why has this deeply unpleasant person been told she is always welcome in your home?

Your DH needs to be the buffer zone here and protect you from his family, I think.

She sounds completely unhinged ...she needs a psychiatric assessment. Distance yourself pronto!

Just cut them off. Toxic people have no right to your life, even if they are your parents (or PIL).

They will only end up treating your child the way they treat you and DH. They won’t change. But perhaps being told no will make them have a good look at their racist selves.

Op what you are really saying is your in laws are racist, they didn't approve of your marriage because of your race, and now you have had a child things have come to a head (they can no longer ignore you or wish you away)

I will say this only once.

Tell your dh to keep his mother and toxic family away from you and your baby. Anyone that can scream and shout at you when you have only just had a baby is an abuser.

She clearly has no respect for her ds, and no respect for you.

I would go very very low contact/ no contact. I would absolutely not give her the satisfaction of ruining this time for you. Gather the family and friends around and celebrate your baby's arrival. Refuse to talk to or about your MIL and SIL. Block SIL altogether and tell your dh they have crossed a line now, and you will have nothing more to do with her.

Your dh needs to be your shield, nothing and no one gets past him. He needs to tell his mother he will not tolerate her racism any longer, and that he will protect you and his baby from her (and by extension the rest of the family is included in the in laws)

You will both have to let go of any ideas of happy families with your in laws (this ship has long since sailed, and perhaps you have accepted this already) your baby's family will be you, and any loving family members and friends that care for you deeply.

This woman will drive a wedge between you and dh given the chance, she will cast a long shadow not just over a few weeks of your baby's birth but over your entire lives and future if you are not careful.

Remain dignified, be polite but be distant. She doesn't get to racially abuse you and stay in your life.

You need to get in touch with your health visitor, baby blues are normal and it is no question that when you came down from the initial euphoria of being a new mum you would start to focus on this awful time with pils. Make sure you get the proper care and counselling early so you are strong for your new family.

The path of least resistance with mil is to ignore her and allow her to brush it under the carpet, but whatever you decide to do about her make sure you prioritise your health and your family.

Congratulations on your baby 💐

Hard to believe these bloody women had had babies of their own yet seem to have forgotten everything and treat their daughters/daughter in law so appallingly!

Why can't they play nice?

Perhaps use the clicker routine as they do in zoos?

If they behave, use the clicker and they can see their grandchild. If not, they don't!

I am just kidding - I don't think in laws from Hell ever learn....

I think that your mil is acting out of fear. She is probably scared stiff of not being a big part of her son's and grandsons life and this is being translated into her being upset and angry. She probably, unreasonably expects to have the same 'rights' to see you as she would her own daughter. But, when you have just given birth and are leaking from every orifice and exhausted, you really don't want your in laws around, unless you are exceptionally comfortable in their presence. That is natural! It's also pretty normal to have a crash after the adrenaline has subsided. It will probably be a lot less stressful in the long-term if you are able to find ways to move on (providing that she behaves herself). Perhaps suggest you and the baby meet her to go shopping for a few baby things or for lunch. That's what I used to do with my in-laws. It saved me having to clean up the house first and took the pressure off in terms of awkward conversation. Also it means that they cut into your time much less if you invite them to tag along to something, at the last minute, which you were going to do already on your own and leaves you more precious family time together when your husband is home. Men (son's) can be a bit useless at dealing with their mothers in terms of contact/emotional stuff. It can be far more beneficial to bypass your husband and deal with your mil direct. You'll probably find that it helps diffuse things. Personally (and I speak from personal experience (my mil also snatched my baby off me and was overly emotional/hard work), it is better/less stressful to resolve things in the long run. Your SIL, oth, needs to butt out.

Distance distance distance...they're are horrible people and they have been abusive. You'll be walking on eggshells forever with them.

No excuses, just recognise what they are and plan your future with hubby and child. Same for SIL, she's their enabler. Cut contact.

Congrats on your baby.

If she had any intention whatsoever of being decent, she would have made amends and apologised to you in person. If she was genuinely fearful of losing her son, she would be doing everything possible to make up for what she has done.

She is pretending nothing happened, she sounds like a very experienced abuser to me. Keep her away.

I would cut ties with her yourself as you and your mil clearly have major issues with each other. As always with these threads there are usually backstories of issues on both sides, and we only read one side. I would however just allow your DP and baby visit with your mil independently, but I think maybe that’s not what you want.