I feel like in laws ruined the arrival of first baby

[Hannie123]

A little background:I have a beautiful little boy who is just 4 weeks and the most sweetest and supportive husband. We tried for a baby after going through the loss of a baby and was over the moon when we finally got pregnant again. We’ve always struggled with fitting in with the in laws as they never ‘approved’ of our marriage as I’m from a different race. They have on numerous times made this apparent resulting in DH having limited contact with them overall.

I had a very very traumatic labour and it was quite touch and go. Wasn’t initially allowed any visitors when DH invited MIL she said she wouldn’t be able to make it, which was fine and I wasn’t bothered by at all. However, once we were home, MIL did visit and immediately snatched baby off me and did not ask how I am. DH picked up on this and told me he felt upset that his mum didn’t seem to talk to me during her visit. She left and that’s when it all started. Constant phone calls and text messages from SIL stating DH has not been involving his mum enough. Saying when they die we will live to regret it all (all texts were emotionally blackmailing). Eventually DH called his mum and he was very emotional. He explained we just had a baby, I was healing and we was adjusting to our new life and she is always welcome. She began shouting at him and it was my instinct to take the phone. I asked her what’s the matter, and she began shouting at me and becoming hysterical. She told DH that she is no longer his mother and she is cutting all ties.

A few weeks has passed and MIL seems to forget what has happened and is trying to go back to ‘normal’ (whatever that was before). Calling DH and me asking how we are etc. But no acknowledgement as to what took place a few weeks ago. I haven’t spoken to her myself but DH has.

This is where I’m having trouble. I have delayed responses so at the time I just got on with everything. The pain from surgery, having a newborn and in laws bombarding is with horrible messages (some of them was awful). But now the adrenaline has come down and I’m feeling really upset by what happened. I feel like what should of been the most special time in my life was overshadowed by all this. I feel angry and frustrated at times and I really don’t know how to deal with all these emotions. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way and not wanting to have anything to do with them anymore?

Congratulations on your baby!

I think in your position a low contact relationship would work best for you. Just don’t engage with them. They sound pretty vile with their racism, that alone would make me not want to be anywhere near them.

I felt like my in-laws spoiled both my wedding and first child’s arrival. My in laws tried to make both events all about them (obviously more to it than that but this is your thread!). When our first child arrived we didn’t update them whilst I was in labour, it took 24 hours as labour stalled, baby stuck etc... when we rang them to tell them she’d arrived we got nothing (my parents shouted and whooped down the phone). A week later they told us that it was the worst day of their lives and that we were so selfish not giving them a running commentary. I told my mil that I wasn’t being funny but you were pretty low on our list of priorities during that time! We didn’t even tell my family I was in labour!

Long story short 3 years on we are low contact and I am pretty much zero contact unless there is a family wedding etc and they happen to be there. It’s like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. My second child I told them a due date 1 month further on and they were on holiday when I gave birth, it couldn’t have been more perfect.

These people are racist, your beautiful and innocent baby is mixed race, your dh needs to put protecting your baby before his racist parents! He can have a relationship with his parents but you are perfectly within your rights to refuse to do so and to refuse to allow them near your son!

I have been in your situation- race wasn’t the reason for their original hatred of me- snobbery and superiority was. Like you, being forced to watch someone who hated me, grab my baby out of my arms was an awful experience both times for me. My in-laws destroyed almost every moment that should have been precious - our engagement, almost our wedding but without them there it was a wonderful experience, the birth of both of our dc.

Your in-laws HATE you, they will do anything within their power to control your dh and get him to leave you! My MIL used the time I was hospitalised on bedrest for 6 weeks before dd was born to manipulate my dh into leaving me, she tried to convince him to take our ds to the other side of the world, leaving me and our dd (who didn’t matter as he hadn’t met her yet- oh and it was only fair because we would have one each). My dh began to believe her manipulation and lies, it was only when our ds confided that his Grandmother ‘no like you Mummy, she shout at Daddy, she really no like you Mummy’. When I took my dh aside and asked what the hell had been going on, my dh broke down and confessed everything that had been going on.

The best thing we ever did was go no contact! Your MIL gave you the perfect opportunity to stay no contact in saying she was cutting ties. Your relationship will be full of arguments, upset and constant distress at the way his family treat you. We have been NC for 8 years now and it has been bliss! My dh has realised that he doesn’t actually like them as people. They were manipulative, emotionally abusive and controlling of him for years and after counselling he has grown so much in confidence! We have had practically no arguments since we went no contact- all of our arguments were about the way they treated us!

I think that your mil is acting out of fear. She is probably scared stiff of not being a big part of her son's and grandsons life and this is being translated into her being upset and angry.
In no way does that make her behaviour acceptable.
Was her being "scared" also why she thought it was OK to disapprove of her son's wife because of her race?
Also if she is so worried about not being part of her sons life, why would she tell him she is "cutting all ties".

OP she sound mad and abusive. I would be refusing to see her. If your DH wants to visit them with the baby he can go alone.

@CorBlimeyGovenor are you on glue? Perhaps suggest you and the baby meet her to go shopping for a few baby things or for lunch - this woman is a racist. Bit of racist shopping?

I don't understand, and agree with the poster who asked if there's some information missing.

She visited you, went home, and then the texts started. What happened to cause the texts? Did your DH say something to your MIL about not talking to you? Did something else happen during the visit that MIL then related to your SIL?
I'm confused.

sailingclosetothewind has the best advice here.

Put up the firmest boundaries you can. Alert your DH that it is of Priority One importance that he keep the stress of his horrid family away from you & the baby at this precious time. Accept no information about them secondhand from him.

Direct him to the Out Of The Fog website for some reading. Sooner rather than later.

You have enough on your plate without this issue. Make him remove it (preferably from his too). Your mental health is soooo important.

Well done on making a terrific new human! And protecting him from his nutter toxic grandparents.

To the ‘confused’ posters. Sad to say that racist dysfunctional people don’t need any specific motivation or triggers to act this horridly. They could have well decided that the baby was the ‘wrong’ race too, or realised they wouldn’t get much say in the upbringing, or hated the babygrow colour, or a million other ‘transgressions’ to their weird expectations. Some people just like to fire bazookas into other people’s lives for fun, or to make themselves feel bigger.

Be glad this type of behaviour ‘confuses’ you. It doesn’t confuse me. I’ve had to live with things as ‘normal’ that would make your hair curl.

My MIL does this. She goes mad (not an over exaggeration, she looses the plot completely), says absolutely vile things (or screams them usually), and then forgets all about it. You get used to it after a while but the first few times were quite scary for me and to be honest I can never feel fully calm when I am around her. I know it’s difficult but you have to remember that it’s not a reflection on you and there is nothing you can do to make her behave the way she should. Congratulations on the new baby. I hope you find the right balance for you

Congratulations on your baby!

Baby blues (which are totally normal feelings of being down after having a baby due to the hormonal crash) are hard at the best of times without people doing this. Your DH needs to step in and deal with his family. Meanwhile I would give your MIL a short sharp text as to why she has upset you and ask her to go through DH at this time, because you are now trying to settle in to life with a new baby and would prefer not to be upset and emotionally blackmailed.

Congratulations on your new family. I do hope you get plenty of support after your traumatic delivery.

There does seem like there could be some information missing. The only thing I can think of and this is in no way an excuse, Is there a cultural element here that is causing underlying tension? Something that a son wouldn’t be aware of maybe.

There clearly is an expectation from his side of the family for closer involvement at this time. Although obviously the in law’s behaviour is having the complete opposite effect and is not acceptable.

I don’t understand these this.
Firstly, before the baby, MIL has been racist. I would have thought that was the first flag to go no/low contact AND your DH would have been the first to suggest it but obviously not! Then, once baby is born you all indulge in dramatic theatrics via phone. On hearing your SIL/MIL theatrics a normal person would have gone ‘uhhmm, alrighty then, obviously we will agree to disagree, bye’ and just hang up. Not stay on the phone arguing with a numpty and having weird episodes of phone snatching. If you participate in the drama you fuel it.

Congratulations on the baby, OP!

I do think it is natural for any visitor to be more interested in the baby than the mother tbh! The baby is the big draw!

You don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to, you can just say it's fine to disagree. Ignore text messages, view them as a very small part of the last month (because they will have been timewise) and stop making your in-laws the centre of your attention at the moment. Focus on your DH and the baby, he can deal with his family.

Low contact is probably the best way to save your sanity. Meet them once a month or whatever you feel comfortable with, and keep baby in a sling so there is no snatching.

Don't engage at all in any messaging or fighting, just completely ignore it. Like a PP said, reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad. It'll be good practice for a toddler if nothing else .

My sister is very toxic and we have absolutely minimal contact. It's made such a difference and you're not treading on eggshells waiting for the bomb to go off again. Let them take their drama elsewhere.

It sounds like your DH relationship with his parents is dysfunctional and that no doubt was the essence of his upbringing.
My parents are like this so I do understand your feelings and your DH's response. They are very manipulative and going NC or LC is probably best, but in the meantime your DH would benefit from having a few sessions of therapy to understand the dynamic his parents created, his typical responses to it and how best he can manage it. I have had to learn what makes them tick and how to respond to them without 'reacting', and this has really helped me to protect my family and my own wellbeing.
Ignore the SIL as she is part of their toxicity. Remain calm and stick to your agreed line about where your boundaries are as a couple / new family.
Good luck op and congratulations

@CorBlimeyGovenor What "rights" does a mother have over their grown daughter and her children? My in laws were great when both my kids were born. My own mother was batshit crazy and her actions nearly destroyed any relationship we had. Just because we're blood related doesn't mean she has any rights over me or my children. What an odd idea.