DS Y11 - autonomy over phones or not at night?

[tactum]

Most important yr so far - GCSEs. DS saying he needs to listen to podcasts to get to sleep - I say no. DH does listen to podcasts to get to sleep so feels he's in a glass house and cant judge.
I've always insisted phones off at 10, that's it. DS is a games/tech boy and I don't feel I can trust him.
Who is BU?? I feel I am within my rights on this occasion to say 1 rule for DH, another rule for DS. Or am I out of order?

I guess it depends how much you want him to be on Snapchat at 2 a. m.

Exactly - not at all!!!!

No don’t allow it . I confiscate so many phones as a teacher

I let mine have autonomy in Y11 on the understanding that he needed to self-manage reasonably or he would lose the privilege. I can’t guarantee he never abused the privilege, but I saw no evidence of it.

I'd probably let him and see how it goes for a couple of weeks. If you catch him on snapchat when he's meant to be listening to a podcast then remove the phone. Or if he's shattered in the morning, then either the podcasts are not working or he's using his phone in the night, then remove the phone.

I listen to music on my phone to fall asleep to and struggle to sleep without it so I sympathise if he does struggle to get to sleep.

I would only see it as an issue if he was having trouble waking up in the morning.

No no no no no no no (secondary teacher).

Even if he’s just intending to listen to a podcast, whatsapp and snapchat and whatever will be pinging away luring him in.

If he needs to listen to a podcast buy him an MP3 player to download them onto and keep his phone out of his room.

Depends on your child really. Mine are in year 8 and 10 and I know they can be trusted (we've checked when they stop using their phones and they both are sensible and go to sleep at a decent hour).

I don't trust him - over the summer he was gaming until well after midnight and his grades are nowhere near where they should be - yes I accept he's not an early sleeper but I'd be happy to leave him in bed with a book! I don't trust the self regulation aspect of this because I know him.
His sister is year above and happily leaves her phone in our room at 10 even though she's 17.
Me and DH have had a big fat row about this now. Am I supposed to wait for him to get shit results and then say ITYS?!

@tactum

You’re in charge

Can you set up a screen limit? I've used an app called OurPact which can limit access to various sites and can limit time spent on the device.

I've never removed ds mobile phone, he has had a phone of some kind from being very young. I have never had the agreement that I can check his phone at any time. Instead I have always had an open conversation with him that he could always show me anything that worried or upset him which has led to him showing me when one of his friends was self harming, drinking, using drugs & sexting to fund her habit, through him telling me we were able to contact school discreetly & them contact the girl's parents & get her support & counselling. If you make too many rules they make more reasons for children to keep secrets, it is better to have open conversations.

Thanks Jbraise for your reassurance as a teacher - I know all of his are incredibly frustrated that he's performing at 5-7 instead of 7-9 across the board which is what he should be, according to raw ability. Good to have that perspective.
DH just thinks he didn't get the GCSEs he couldve done but has done alright in the end - don't want that for DS.
I know people say self moderation but really at this point with absolutely no sign of motivation and enthusiasm I think the least I can do is try and make him tech free at night.

Phones are designed to be addictive. Just because some students aren’t that bothered about them it doesn’t meant that others don’t need support regulating their use.

Apps that restrict access to the internet exist for a reason - because switching off is something that even adults can need help with.

I feel I am within my rights on this occasion to say 1 rule for DH, another rule for DS.

Your DH is an adult, it's up to him.
Your DS is still a minor, he's your responsibility. I don't know about 'rights' - it's your responsibility to do what you can to stop him being up too late.

The MP3 player is a good idea. or an iPod but turn off his WiFi channel at say 11pm.

Though honestly, no-one 'needs' podcasts to get to sleep. Humankind has been managing it somehow for millennia before they were invented.

@tactum

I know that feeling . I teach yr 4 and have already confiscated 2.

Tell him when he starts performing and achieving you may think about it .
Ignore Dh

Not the cheapest solution, but DD1 listens to podcasts and audiobooks on an ipod - no data and the wifi goes off when the first of DH or I go to bed because the router is (by chance) in our room and the lights are annoying. She has to be organised and download them during the day.

When I was younger I had a desktop PC in my room and stayed up on Yahoo chat boards until early hours. Never did me any harm

Off at 10pm n charging downstairs. Don't compare your DS and your DH. Your DH isn't doing GCSEs and doesn't need 9 hours sleep!

Get him a radio?

@Teafordad

That doesn’t mean it’s right for the op son.

No way.

Mine aren't allowed their phones in bed. They have an Alexa in their room if they want to listen to Spotify, I guess you can listen to podcasts on it as well? Could he do something like that?

11yo, 15yo and 17 yo phones downstairs every school night.

15yo and 17yo allowed them Fri/Sat night.

Me and DH have ours upstairs every night as they are our alarms.

Though honestly, no-one 'needs' podcasts to get to sleep.

So much better for him to not get into the habit of needing tech to get to sleep, while he's young.

Why not put the Wi-Fi on a timer so it turns off at 10pm or something? Would help the whole family switch off from it too.