Sad about my mum ....

[AnonAgainToday]

We've fallen out (she used to favour my brother, now she clearly favours his son over my children and I'm not having history repeat. It's one thing to criticize me, another thing to criticize my gorgeous, lovely, innocent, smiley children).

Anyway, I'd love her to phone me. Say sorry. Or not even say sorry, just be the first to make the move to show she wants me. Im 40. It's ALWAYS been me that has to go grovelling back to her after disagreements. Always me who has to phone. Always me that insists on gaining her love and approval. I've decided I'm not doing it this time, but I think she'll be fine with that and use it as an excuse to moan about me (my daughter never bothers with me...blah blah).

So ... Is this it? Relationship with my mother over? I'm sad about that.

No. You’ve taken control. She’ll soon realise
you mean it this time. Don’t back down.

I don’t have any advice really but I didn’t want to read and run.
I have the same sort of relationship with my own mum and it’s horrible to feel unwanted or not good enough for your own parent.
Sending you lots of hugs

I know different people have different relationships with their mothers and not everyone's experience is positive. However I lost my mum in 2011 and once she's dead you cannot mend anything so think carefully how you will feel. I wish I had talked to her more.

I never can understand how their are mothers who treat their children this way. I’m sorry that she’s not doing her best by you. Good luck Op.

There are* bloody autocorrect!!

I'm so sorry to read this @AnonAgainToday. I do hope that your Mum sees sense, comes around soon and that you can make it up. My daughter hasn't spoken to me for a couple of years, I've not seen her or my grandchildren for over eighteen months, they were a massive part of my life, we provided all of her childcare so she could work (very happy to do it) we saw them for meals 2/3 a week, days out, weekends away, holidays etc for years. My daughter wont tell me what it is that I've done to upset her, she wont reply to my texts, emails, phone calls. I sometimes think that my heart will break because of it. I do worry though that something might happen to me and that we never get the chance to make up and that she could regret it.

I hope your Mum realises what she is missing out on and the hurt that she is causing you, life is too short.

It wasn't my dm but my cousin, there was only us two left, apart from my dcs and her dp.
Anyhow it was always me that called her, always me that went to visit, So I decided she could ring me or come round to see me and be buggered. 7 months later her dp contacted me to say she had died they didn't even tell me that she was ill. I know you're fed up of being the one, but please please make sure you won't regret it when she's gone.

My Dad was the same, worse after my mam died. 3 years ago he pushed me too far. Haven't spoken to him since. After the initial hurt ( and unnecessary guilt), my life is sooo much easier

I fell out, badly, with my mother about 7 years before she died, after years of me always giving in to her. Very similar to you, the "my daughter never bothers with me" stuff actually seriously damaged my relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins over the years. We did patch things up, but things were never the same. I didn't regret it because I knew I was right and it was time to stand up for myself. Even so I was devastated when she died, and didn't really feel able to express that because we hadn't been close(my partner was "why are you upset, you didn't even like her" ) I guess you never know how you are going to feel until something actually happens to you.

Antwacky - I'm so sorry. I hope your daughter comes round at some point. Perhaps there is something she's ashamed of or doesn't feel she can tell you. I don't know. It sounds v.hard. She is lucky you care and love her.

I just wish my mum would show she cares. She never has to be honest. She only cares about herself. But I do love her for some crazy reason and just wish things could be different. But I just don't want to / can't be the one to do the chasing this time. I also just feel so protective of my children and am not prepared for them to be made to feel they are not good enough for her. I love my children too much. My mum used to come first, despite her abusive nature. But now I'm a mother my children come first. I don't think she likes that, but it's not going to change.

Antwacky - I'm sorry I keep thinking about your post. It's so sad. Don't give up. Keep reaching out to her. You sound like you were really close, I can't imagine she doesn't want things to be good between you again.

Hi OP

I'm sorry. It's probably so engrained she just doesnt realise she is doing it. Self awareness is really difficult. Is there anything in her own family dynamics that show she might have been brought up like this?

I imagine it must be so hard, as it's not often quite enough bad behaviour on her part to justify cutting her off completely but she doesnt treat you well enough to be close. It's some horrible no mans land.

I think at this stage you have to realise she is unlikely to change especially if her partner / your brother is happy with the status quo and wont challenge her. So you can only work on yourself and strategies to help you cope

Catmar - I'm sorry your mum has passed away. I too would be devasted if my mum passed away, but I dont know if that should be the reason for me compromising my mental health and upsetting my children right now. Although you felt devasted when your mum died, with hindsight would you have done anything different? (hope it's ok to ask, just ignore if not)

Don't know if you already have, but give it a final go, write a letter pretty much just saying what you said in your op. Not long but to the point, perhaps your mum doesn't realize how strongly you feel about your relationship. But give it one more chance so she won't feel ghosted like Antwacky.

Good luck, and good that you are looking out for your dc.

AmIRight - yes she has no self awareness. None! There's a big history. She was very abusive. I don't even think she realizes. She claims not to remember an awful lot. Despite all of her flaws and the way she treated me, I do also feel sorry for her. There was horrible domestic violence to her from my dad when she was a young mum, and her own family was complex and her own mum very critical. I understand why she is as she is. I understand she has no awareness. I understand she won't change. But I am struggling and wish she was not as she is :(

Hello OP - I have a similar relationship with my father. I was recommended a book "adult children of emotionally immature parents". It really made sense to me and helped a lot.

Thing is madambee, I don't feel it should be me. She hasn't actually phoned me in over 2 years! Although we've only fallen out recently (3 weeks ago roughly), in the last two years prior to this fall out, I have phoned her at least twice a week, visited her between once a week and once a fortnight, and when she was recently very ill in hospital I visited her everyday taking lots of annual leave from work etc.... It's always me being there for her,calling her, checking she's ok etc.. It's always been this way. I just can't do it anymore. I want her to want me. To phone me. To show me she actually cares about someone else other than herself. But I know it won't happen ....

Thanks GriefMonster, I will have a read

Madambe - I'd like to write a letter, but she would probably say it was pathetic and not even read it, just rip it up and throw it in the bin or try and hand it back to me... :(

What you’re mourning is more the relationship you wished you had (and do deserve.) If sharing how you felt would have changed her ways then that could have happened years ago.
Time to focus on your family. It’s her loss. Preserve your mental wellbeing.

Just be the positive person you clearly are, your children are a product of this. Let her get on with it. Anything negatives that come back your way just greet it with a polite “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I know it’s easier said than done, but I know this feeling and it’s better to just take the moral high ground and let it be and enjoy your wonderful happy children, you’re clearly a good person and you deserve better. But you can’t change people. Just be careful not to tell her to go F herself to her face. The moral high ground evaporates when you do that... although it feels bloody great.

You have given more than a lot of people with nice relationships would.

I imagine you have suffered from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and given a lot more than you should have. Children (adult ones, too) tend to bend over backwards to get the attention/love they are craving, when they have been deprived of 'normal' parental love.

I do understand you don't want to be the one crawling back.
Don't be, send the letter, not to beg for forgiveness or to resume the relationship, but because perhaps just perhaps it will make your mum think, but most of all you will know you have done your best and hopefully this will give you a feeling of closure.

Sorry x posted

@AnonAgainToday the only thing I regret is that I didn't stand up to her sooner.

Thanks @AnonAgainToday.

I'm so sorry that your Mum can't/wont show you that she cares, some people are very self centred and think that the universe should revolve around them and their needs/wants. I've often found that these type of people have high demands and expectations of how they are to be treated but they are to be allowed to treat everyone else badly if they wish .

You are right in protecting your children from that kind of negative behaviour. It's not good for them to be treated poorly by her or for them to witness her treating you badly. It's a shame she doesn't realise what a joy being part of your family could be. I hope she realise soon just what she is missing out on.