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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull out of house sale and purchase...

43 replies

Evbnl · 12/09/2019 17:11

DH and I had agreed a sale on our property to a cash buyer and had offer accepted on a property, our dream home after months of searching. We’ve all instructed solicitors but haven’t yet received our draft contracts or had surveys.

Yesterday I received the news that I have stage 2A cervical cancer and will require radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t feel strong enough to go ahead with a house move and really want to pull out.

We negotiated a v low commission rate with our estate agent who has gone above and beyond for us. The property we are buying and selling is through the same agent. She spent a long time going back and forth to the vendor to negotiate a good price and even persuaded the vendors to move in to rented. We’ve met the buyer of our home and the sellers of our new home personally (viewings outside of office hours) and they are all so lovely, which makes this worse.

DH is a very positive and almost in denial. He has suggested that we could continue with the move. He says it’d help to keep my mind occupied on positive things, give me something to look forward to etc. Family have all offered to effectively do the move for us so that DH and I can focus on my treatment, as they knew how excited we were to move.

I have no idea how I should be feeling or whether I should be picking myself up and carrying on with normal life, but don’t feel I can. DH thinks I’ll regret it as I was the main driver for us moving in the first place and the house we have offered on is very special, but that’s not my priority. I really worry about letting everyone down, especially after solicitor costs have been occurred by everyone and I know we’ll probably be blacklisted, but I can’t help how I feel.

AIBU to pull out at this stage?

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 12/09/2019 17:14

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis, OP.

I wouldn't rush any decisions just yet, you'll need time to come to terms with what is happening. Can you ask the EA to stall things for a week or two?

Weebitawks · 12/09/2019 17:14

It's very difficult and I'm sorry to hear your bad news. What does the treatment schedule look like compared to the move schedule?

timeforawine · 12/09/2019 17:15

Hi OP, sorry about your diagnosis, i am with your DH on this, i think the move will keep you occupied and focused on something positive.
All the best whatever you decide and with your treatment Flowers

WarshipWarrior · 12/09/2019 17:15

Dont make a snap decision right now OP just focus on yourself for the moment give yourself at least 2 weeks to think about it. Flowers

AlwaysCheddar · 12/09/2019 17:16

I wouldn’t see if you pull out then you will get angry later and regret it, and be annoyed at yourself/the cancer. I’d go for it and let others help.

AlwaysCheddar · 12/09/2019 17:17

I wouldn’t as *

Chocolatecake12 · 12/09/2019 17:17

No you would not be unreasonable to pull out.
What’s the reason for the move? Better area? Nicer house? His long until you move and how long until treatment starts?
Would you regret not moving?
You have to do what’s right for you but don’t make any decisions too quickly.
Good luck with your treatment. Flowers

Toooldtobearsed2 · 12/09/2019 17:18

Can you give yourself time to get over the shock of it all? At the time of diagnosis, it does feel as though the world should stop - but it doesn't, and I found having a huge distraction actually helped. It stops one being, obsessed is not the right word, but I hope you know what I mean, with the illness.
I went through a diagnosis of, and treatment for, aggressive breast cancer. I was in treatment for almost two years, counting chemo, rads and recon.
During that time, we made major, life changing moves and it was the best thing FOR ME, PERSONALLY.

Dont make a knee jerk decision. If you have even a little time to decide, take it.

Longtalljosie · 12/09/2019 17:19

My parents did exactly this. Their consultant told them that stress was the worst thing during cancer treatment, and advised they do so.

It took them years to get over “losing” the house. But it was the right thing to do. I’m sorry to hear your news.

user1493494961 · 12/09/2019 17:23

I would go for the move, if family are going to do all the moving for you, it will give you a huge boost to be in your very special new home. Wishing you all the best with your treatment.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 12/09/2019 17:40

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis OP Flowers.

My old neighbour was diagnosed with cancer between exchange and completion. She used to joke that it meant it took her mind off the cancer. They lived with a load of unpacked boxes in the spare room for a long time. Her and her family had been trying to move for about a year so it was the night decision for them.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/09/2019 17:41

Their consultant told them that stress was the worst thing during cancer treatment

I’m wondering in what context this was said or interpreted. I can see that a house move may add a further level of stress but conversely, it may be a positive to have a lovely new house to look forward to. I hope that there is no implication that the efficacy of chemo or radiotherapy could be adversely affected by additional stress.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/09/2019 17:44

In your own words OP, it's your Dream Home. Flowers

sorry to hear your diagnosis, best wishes.

Original poster
Evbnl · 12/09/2019 17:48

Thank you everyone. Maybe after all of this has sunk in there’s a change that my feelings may change. I worry that if I proceed and decide later on that I can’t cope, I could let everyone down further along the line and I don’t want to be that person pulling out the day before exchange. DH has suggested contacting the estate agent to advise them of the situation and advising that we need a bit of time to decide might be an idea, but I worry they’d think we were time wasters.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 12/09/2019 17:48

I'm sorry for your prognsis. I don't think anyone can really advise you to go for it or not. But I think you have just been given some life changing news and need to process the news before you make an important moving decision either way. Can you ask for more time? Do you feel comfortable telling the agent what has happened? I am sure people would prefer you delayed things - I know house moving is emotional but I think only a really plonker would not have compassion for your situation.

GabriellaMontez · 12/09/2019 17:53

Only yesterday? Give yourself a few days to not make a firm decision either way.

YANBU to pull out if you decide to. Yes people will be disappointed but you are not a deliberate time/money waster.

MrsSchadenfreude · 12/09/2019 17:56

If it’s your dream home, I would go ahead.

RockNRollNerd · 12/09/2019 17:58

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis I agree with buying yourself at least a couple of weeks to get to grips with things before making a decision.

When you do make the decision though do what is right for you and your family. It’s lovely that you feel bad for everyone else involved but they shouldn’t be your concern. Also it would take a special type of bastard to be angry at you if you did pull out no matter how frustrating it might be for them. That is on them not you.

Please also be practical. Can you and your DH still afford the house if you for example can’t work for a while? You don’t need added financial stress when undergoing chemo. Also and there is no way to be subtle saying this so I apologise in advance but if your salary is part of a new mortgage application for the new house can you still get the mortgage (and any associated insurances you might have to take out as part of the conditions).

If finances aren’t an issue then I would put the move in the territory of things you can make happen by throwing cash at them if you like. Pay for packers as well as movers, pay for unpacking if you can, pay for cleaners for both houses. That will remove a lot of the physical stress associated with moving house.

Sedlescombe · 12/09/2019 18:01

First of all, so sorry about your diagnosis and I wish you all strength in what you have to face in the next few weeks.

I agree with those saying that you dont have to make an immediate decision. Just go offline for a couple of days to get your head straight. I think this is one of those things where unless you a certain that you are ready to go ahead then you shouldnt go ahead, There will always be other buyers and other houses.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. A friend of mine has had to deal with more than one party pulling out of a house sale so personally I would tell the agent something along the lines of receiving bad news and not being able to go ahead rather than simply pull out and leaving your purchaser hanging but ultimately you have one of the genuine reasons for being as unreasonable as you like

soulrider · 12/09/2019 18:02

YANBU - at the stage you're at, i.e. not contracts, no surveys I don't think you'd be unreasonable to pull out for a whole myriad of reasons nevermind a cancer diagnosis.

Unreasonable would be proceeding with a purchase that wasn't the best decision for you because you're afraid of upsetting someone. I woudn't hesitate to pull out in these circumstances, especially if it's a purchase that requires taking on a bigger mortgage/puts more financial pressure on you.

2ManyNameChanges · 12/09/2019 18:05

So sorry to hear this 😔💐💐💐 awful news

Re the move....What is it about the move that you don't think you can cope with?

If it's just the physical aspects, get people to do this for you.

Is it a long way from your support network, in which case fair enough.

Does it need lots of work or renovation, in which case fair enough.

Is it the general chaos of boxes everywhere before you move and after, in which case I'm sure no one would think twice if you stayed out of the way for a fortnight with family or friends. Or even a Spa week or holiday!!!

Break all the anxieties down so you can weigh up a decision.

Thinking of you xxx

Dickensnovel · 12/09/2019 18:06

A friend had buyers lined up for her home, and the wife got cancer of some sort. They pulled out of the purchase, and my friend did not ask for any compensation; she sold the home a few months later for a better price!! So I say, do what feels right for you. People will probably understand and in the end, the seller's loss of a sale is not your problem; your health is!

Notthetoothfairy · 12/09/2019 18:08

I would go ahead, as it’s your dream home, your family will do the moving work and once your treatment is behind you, you will be somewhere lovely for a fresh start Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/09/2019 18:11

I think it all depends on how much effort it would take to make the new house feel like home. Moving out is so much easier, you can pay for packing and cleaning. The new house is different, it may be something new and special to focus on, and you can play for cleaning and unpacking but the time and effort to have work done or buy new things may be too much.

I think you should tell the EA you need a week or two to get your head around things. Spend that time thinking about if others helping would actually help or hinder. Your health comes first.

Original poster
Evbnl · 12/09/2019 18:23

The house doesn’t need immediate work really but we had planned to put our own stamp on it, new flooring, decorating throughout and things which need to be purchased as our appliances are being left behind (integrated). We can afford to spend out on a removal packaging service to save us that stress but we wouldn’t afford to pay out for decorators as well. This is quite a lot more of a mortgage that we are taking on so initially we wouldn’t have a lot of spare money.

OP posts:
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