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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullied at sch by DB GF and she is still the same. Do I tell ?

352 replies

Highfivemum · 12/09/2019 14:04

Here goes.
My brother who is in his late 30’s and a great man has recently introduced me to his girlfriend,he has confided in me he intends on proposing to her on her birthday in October. My brother and I are very close due to family circumastances. He is a widow having lost his first wife 3 years ago. This is his first girlfriend since and they have been dating for 4 months. They met abroad as they were both working, hence this was the first time I met her. I thought she looked a tad familiar when I said hello and i racked my brains as to why I thought she looked vaguely familiar. She seemed fine. Polite and I was happy that my DB seemed happy after years of sadness. While saying good bye I suddenly got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. She was a girl who bullied me for 18 months at school. She literally made my life hell. I moved schools and had not seen her since she was about 15. Our school had a huge catchment area and she lived on the other side of where we did so never saw her again. The awful feelings I got resurfaced. I mentioned it to my DH and we both agreed as she seem really nice and pleasant not to rock the boat as it was a long time ago. Last night we met up again. During our conversation my brother mentioned schools. He is 8 years younger than me so didn’t go to the school she did and had no Idea about us. She has told him she went to a totally different school. He then said we were the same age so would have been in the same school year. I just said yes and left it there. I went to the toilet and as I was leaving she was stood there she said to me. She knew I knew who she was from the past and I would i not to say anything as she loved him. I was about to say it’s in the past and let’s leave it there. But she then said if you do say something you will regret it !!!! I will move home away and cut you out of his life. !! I was mortified. I felt shaky all like I did as a kid again. Don’t know how I kept my composure to go back to my DH. She came out all smiles cuddling my brother.
Do I tell him. I love my DB so much and I can’t bear him to be hurt but I worry she will pull him away and I will lose him.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 12/09/2019 15:01

Please tell him.

StrictlyComeMarie · 12/09/2019 15:02

Please tell him! He needs to know who he’s dealing with

CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2019 15:03

No. If it was me, I'd bring up it with everyone there whilst they bloomin having tea and confront her right there. But I don't advise doing that.

HollowTalk · 12/09/2019 15:05

At least he knows you are on his side and that you were bullied before. It'll be a shock to him and doubtless she'll tell him all sorts, but he should believe you, not her.

littlepeas · 12/09/2019 15:05

Good luck op. What a horrible situation. You're doing the right thing.

ElizaDee · 12/09/2019 15:08

Why does she have a different name? Has she been married before? I'd be tempted to check HOW MANY times she's been married. She might be a serial bride that takes the DH for what she can in a divorce.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/09/2019 15:09

Well done OP on deciding to tell him. It's the right thing to do.

Deathraystare · 12/09/2019 15:09

He should be told and will know you are not lying if he remembers you changing schools? And why?

LazyLizzy · 12/09/2019 15:09

You will have to put your phone on secret voice record next time you see her, I have no doubt she will get you on your own again.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/09/2019 15:10

If she's really such a bully who has not changed, she will deny everything and make it look like you're mistaken and /or lying and trying to get them to break up. I would befrend her and try to get her to fess up in writing, so there's no denying it.

macem · 12/09/2019 15:10

You are mid to late forties OP, and just pregnant? Avoid any stress if that's the case.

Magenta82 · 12/09/2019 15:10

I hope it goes ok, you are doing the right thing.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/09/2019 15:11

Tell him

AiryFairyMum · 12/09/2019 15:12

How's it going OP?

flumpybear · 12/09/2019 15:14

Well a leopard doesn't change its spots does it! What a bitch!
I hope your brother sees through her vile behaviour
Good luck

angieloumc · 12/09/2019 15:14

What a dreadful woman! Hope it goes ok with your DB.

PotterHead1985 · 12/09/2019 15:15

Handhold op. Hope it goes ok.

Bunglefromrainbow · 12/09/2019 15:15

Hopefully he takes it well and personally I hope he ditches her straight off the bat. But if not either smack her in the mouth or shit on her wedding dress on the morning of her wedding.

justthecat · 12/09/2019 15:16

I hope he listens to his head, goodluck

WarshipWarrior · 12/09/2019 15:19

What a horrible situation. Why does she have a different name? Her behaviour is ringing big alarm bells you have to tell him everything as she'll definitely be the type to abuse him later emotionally and mentally if you don't get in there now. She'll do exactly what she told you she would do. Poor DB.

doublesheesh · 12/09/2019 15:20

Make sure You tell him that you had decided to leave things in the past and was planning to say so to her but before you could, she cornered you and THREATENED you. Ensure he understands that you are not the problem. Unfortunately he will be unlikely to break up over this but perhaps he will press pause for a while and watch a little more closely.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 12/09/2019 15:22

Even if/when you do tell him don't expect him to just immediately finish with her. If he is smitten he is likely to give her a chance, think it was taken out of context etc. But I do think it is worth talking to him about rushing in to asking her to marry him after only 5 months. He can't really know her. (He doesn't even know her proper name or her old school!!)

Tell him you love him and want him to be happy. If he decides to stay with her, then say you would hope that you and her could put your differences aside. It would mean her having to be civil to you, and it would mean her having to acknowledge that she does know you.

I have a feeling she is going to make sure he collects her before calling over to you.

Librocubicularist · 12/09/2019 15:22

Do you have any other family members that could confirm the bullying and back you up if need be?

OMGshefoundmeout · 12/09/2019 15:22

@bengalcat gives excellent advice. Don’t dump the whole thing on your DB now. It could overwhelm him. Say you thought you recognised her from somewhere and it’s come to you that she went to your old school in xxx year, I wonder when she switched to YYY school? If he asks about her be vague and say she was part of a crowd that wasn’t nice to you and that’s why you moved on. That opens the door to him knowing she is being less than truthful without setting you up against her and him.

LionKingLover · 12/09/2019 15:23

Good luck op. You need to tell him. Does he know you left a school due to bullying or was bullied? Please tell your DH ASAP too so you have support.