Bullied at sch by DB GF and she is still the same. Do I tell ?

[Highfivemum]

Here goes.
My brother who is in his late 30’s and a great man has recently introduced me to his girlfriend,he has confided in me he intends on proposing to her on her birthday in October. My brother and I are very close due to family circumastances. He is a widow having lost his first wife 3 years ago. This is his first girlfriend since and they have been dating for 4 months. They met abroad as they were both working, hence this was the first time I met her. I thought she looked a tad familiar when I said hello and i racked my brains as to why I thought she looked vaguely familiar. She seemed fine. Polite and I was happy that my DB seemed happy after years of sadness. While saying good bye I suddenly got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. She was a girl who bullied me for 18 months at school. She literally made my life hell. I moved schools and had not seen her since she was about 15. Our school had a huge catchment area and she lived on the other side of where we did so never saw her again. The awful feelings I got resurfaced. I mentioned it to my DH and we both agreed as she seem really nice and pleasant not to rock the boat as it was a long time ago. Last night we met up again. During our conversation my brother mentioned schools. He is 8 years younger than me so didn’t go to the school she did and had no Idea about us. She has told him she went to a totally different school. He then said we were the same age so would have been in the same school year. I just said yes and left it there. I went to the toilet and as I was leaving she was stood there she said to me. She knew I knew who she was from the past and I would i not to say anything as she loved him. I was about to say it’s in the past and let’s leave it there. But she then said if you do say something you will regret it !!!! I will move home away and cut you out of his life. !! I was mortified. I felt shaky all like I did as a kid again. Don’t know how I kept my composure to go back to my DH. She came out all smiles cuddling my brother.
Do I tell him. I love my DB so much and I can’t bear him to be hurt but I worry she will pull him away and I will lose him.

DH has his own house and a decent job and is such a lovely guy. He is 8 years younger so was only little when I went through bullying. It has come up in the past at certain times. But no names mentioned. Besides she has a deferent name now.!!

I would remind him about all the abuse you suffered, tell him it is her, and that she has now threatened you.

^^ yy @cakeandchampagne

Bullying like you had can have some long term effects and I think whilst you may have suppressed them, they never really leave especially when the bully resurfaces.
I think you need to tell your brother, not just for his sake but yours too.

I would also tell her that if she thinks she can bully you now, then she is wrong and that if she ever threatens you again you will be straight off to the police/family/whoever.
I would say that this is me thinking in my perfect world so may do more harm than good so maybe not.

Oh god, good luck op.

Omg you have to tell her! Imagine she becomes your dn's SM ! She could treat them terribly.

I feel stressed just reading this! I hope it goes OK.

Wow, she sounds unhinged! Hope he believes you. X

Good luck you're doing the right thing telling him.

Good luck OP. I can understand your reluctance to say anything but I think you’re doing the right thing.

She really sounds nasty, obviously never grew up.

Remember you were prepared to let it lie even though that would have been so hard; she was the one that brought it up and is effectively trying to blackmail you with it. You are doing the right thing otherwise she'd be bringing it up to manipulate you over and over again. For years.

Wow I was all ready to say even if it was her maybe she has grown up / changed and then I read the last bit. What an awful bully.

Well done for deciding to tell him. Good luck.

Op, I hope you are feeling ok? It is horrible when bullies from our past re-surface, and you get taken back to that teenage mindset temporarily.
Hugs!

Hi OP

I think you've got to tell him.

Until you said she threatened you, I thought don't ruin things over what happened when she was young. But threatening you is not on.

Stay calm. Don't make any statements such as she is still nasty and controlling, stick to the facts. She bullied you at school, she lied about it, and she has threatened you.

I think the risk is that when he confronts her, she will break down, say she has changed, and she loves him so much, she was just scared of losing him, so be prepared he will carry on the relationship with her.

If this happens, I would offer to have a meeting with her to clear the air and agree to put it behind you. And record it. You might be able to remain civil but if she can't be and threatens you again at least you will have evidence.

I'd say to your brother this has brought back old feelings of being scared and stressed but you will support him in whatever he decides and work with her to put it behind you both if they want. Even though that's a very hard thing to practice, it will mean he doesn't feel like he has to 'pick sides' and that takes away her power as it will be harder for her to 'take him away'.

And yes 4 months is far far too soon to make any decisions about proposing, though I'd be wary of saying anything about this as it will sound like the bullying issue is infringing this and if she finds out your thoughts on it, it will give her ammunition that you are 'trying to get between them'

Good luck OP

Christ OP, tell him everything.. do not let this Bully win

I wonder if the gf will somehow turn up with him.

Well she's lying to him, changed her name and her school so she's obviously not proud of her past. And she's threatened you! OMG she's poisonous. You have to look out for your brother and tell him. Good luck.

Good luck. Bear in mind that he may be that loved up that he may be in denial initially. Tell him the truth, tell him how much she hurt you back in the day and how she asked you to lie to him and threatened to isolate you from him if you didn't. Tell him you don't want to spoil things for him, but you're worried and want to be honest with him. It might rock your relationship with him for a while, but hopefully he will come round to the truth and see her for what she is.

Good luck, tell him you were prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt until she threatened you re what would happen if you told. That way you aren't just saying that it's because of the previous bullying but because she hasn't changed (tbf the previous bullying should have been enough but he may be more likely to give her benefit of doubt if she argued she'd changed)

Yes, please tell him. They’ve only been together 4 months and he wants to propose? So he hasn’t really had time to get to know her very well if she is (likely) hiding her real self. She may be a wonderful wife and love him dearly, but you can be sure she will do what she can to cut you out of his life, as you have something to hold over her. She will do all she can over time to discredit you, so if you ever say anything, she’ll have him convinced you’re lying. Protect him now, while you can.

She changed her name and school details. It sounds as if she was a nasty piece of work and still is.

Not read the whole thread but next time....find her ..and tell her to her face if she tries threatening you again you are going to go fucking nuclear and make life extremely difficult. You're not some school girl to be walked --tell her that- and she can fuck right of. You need to come down on her HARD and set the scene NOW.

Even if the girlfriend does turn up stay calm and tell him you have to discuss what happened at the meal. Tell her you're giving her a chance to come clean, you'd hoped to put the past behind you, but you're not going to be bullied anymore. Watch her squirm, it will be harder to lie and twist things if you're there too..