I was BU, wasn't I?

[DrVonPatak]

Oh, dear, I think I messed it up.

DH and my 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up. As well, I am starting a new project next week and we have a little tradition of getting each other a little something when either of us starts a new project at work, sort of support like.

Anyway, he thought he'd put the two together and... get me a black faux leather (but a VERY good imitation) knapsack with exposed brass zippers.

Problem is:

1. I'm a total environmentalist, militant recyclers, shoot plastic on sight Thunberg supporter.
2. I'm an aspie and leather/faux leather is one of my no-nos. Literally creeps me out. Think canvas shoes, bags, belts, you name it.
3. The bag is hideous and I have nothing to wear it with.
4. I'm a minimalist, hate being bogged down with things and if it must be something, a £5 voucher for some local experience is more than welcome and he knows it.

I tried to plaster a smile on my face when I opened the package and be gracious, but I think he figured it out because he kept banging on about how I said I wanted a new black bag. True, I did say that, but while holding my usual type canvas one. Anyhow, at some point later he said he'll return it, then.

My "Can you?" was a liiitle too enthusiastic and now he's in a huff about it. I did apologise for my reaction, but I do detest the thing.

AIBU? What can I do to make amends?

As hes your husband I'm going to say YANBU. He should know your like and dislikes by now!

Surely if you've been married 3 years, you've presumably known your DH for longer? How could he possibly not know about points 1 and 2 of your post? Why would he think that the bag was a good idea?

I don't think you were being totally unreasonable. Maybe just needed to be a little less keen!

I know. I'm afraid I'm one of those people who really need an assistant to keep everything from showing in my expression. Not the first time it got me into trouble. Except I really can't imagine myself wearing that thing 🤢

He read you correctly and made the offer; it's not as if you complained!

I solved this by use of a menu. DH was offered a smallish range of what would be welcomed and chose from it. I like surprises, too, so this approach worked. For a big birthday, I asked for a trip away but specified Europe, capital, hotel, somewhere neither of us had been, not to be told where. Result: hello, Copenhagen! I did Venice for him a year or two later because I knew he'd always wanted to go. Both of us ecstatic.

They need our help with this and we need theirs.

The trouble with hiding your feelings about this sort of thing is that, if he doesn't know, he'll repeat the mistake with something similarly hideous in the future. Better to be kind but honest (as you were).

Bah. A good many husbands buy things that they think their wives will like. They are frequently wrong. And vice-versa, of course.

I think you could have handled it better but you weren't BU.

The menu idea is quite good... may try it, especially as it involves travel 🤩

As for making amends - what would cheer him up enormously?

With couples I think it's no big deal to not like a present and return it. My ex did that a few times with things I got him. I'd rather someone got a present they were happy with so I don't mind returning stuff. It's great to get specifics upfront though - makes it easier!

A) Well, I have something being delivered for the actual anniversary (next week)
B) certain other shenanigans have to wait a couple of days, so I'm toast today

I think I better go bake something.

You said you wanted a new black bag. He gave you one. He can’t be expected to read your mind - he knows you well, yes, but in this case he was just trying to to fulfil a wish. It would have been easy for you to simply use the bag occasionally - that’s just simple gratitude. He didn’t get it quite right, but he tried.

This is never easy. My last Christmas presents from OH were way off the mark and it was pretty much impossible to hide my utter disappointment. It was even things I'd actively mentioned not liking! It was awkward, but ultimately fixed and we were both happier for it later on. This isn't a borderline one, you really really dislike it. He'll be ok in due course.

YANBU!!

You should be able to say, “I appreciate the gesture, however this really doesn’t go with anything I have (and I don’t like it)” It really bothers me when my DH is huffy about my honesty when it comes to these things (not that it happens very often to be fair). But it would be more unkind to waste his money when I could change it for something I like.

Please write in if he ever does the same to you so the same people saying he is a t fault now, can then say he is a bully, a control freak and that you should make him buy his own presents.

My husband and I occasionally get gifts wrong - I'd 100% rather be told so I can change it and I don't get offended by it at all.

He would be the same.

You don't sound like you were rude or ungrateful, just honest. I think you're fine.

I wouldn’t worry too much. He’ll know for next time.

It sounds like you'll both get over it reasonably quickly. DH knows not to get me gifts. I'm hard to buy for (also minimalist and environmentalist) and also strangely find it really awkward receiving them, so much so it cancels out any pleasure from a genuinely good gift.

Now he just says "What do you want to do for X" and I say "Find something fun/book a weekend away...somewhere with walking/book X opera and find a nice restaurant" and he's happy with that! I'm not fussed about massive surprises, so it works for us.

So he bought you something that from the sound of it is as obvious as the nose on your face it's not your style, an imitation at that and when he pushed you, you were polite and asked for it to be changed and now he is in a huff after he suggested it. Nope, no baking required, he is being ridiculous.

He's an adult who bought the wrong thing, has been told & can fix it.

No need for any making of amends from you imo.

@TheClaws your missing the point that op is an aspie! Using the bag occasionally would not be easy for her at all! She clearly says in her post that leather/faux leather is one of her no-no’s. It literally creeps her out which sounds like she has real sensory difficulties with it.

After 3 years of marriage her DH should know and understand this without her having to tell him!

Maybe she could have been more tactful when he suggested returning it, but she’s not being at all unreasonable not wanting to keep it!

If it's very good imitation leather, he might not even have realised it's plastic. Regarding your dislike of the texture of leather/faux leather, have you ever actually told him outright that you don't like it? Or did you just assume he'd guessed because your current bag is canvas?

Ultimately, anyone can make a mistake with a gift and he clearly thought he was doing the right thing. Equally, it's fine to ask if something can be returned - YANBU not to like the gift and YANBU to ask him to return it. I just think perhaps you should have tried a bit harder to be sensitive about that.

"This was a really lovely idea, DH, and I know I said I wanted a black bag so it was really thoughtful of you to get this one for me ... but I'm not sure it would really work for me because I'm just a bit funny about the texture of leather/faux leather. Would you be massively offended if I exchanged it? I just don't want you to waste your money" might have been a better response than pulling a face when you opened it and then jumping for joy when he asked if he should take it back for you.

Please write in if he ever does the same to you so the same people saying he is a t fault now, can then say he is a bully, a control freak and that you should make him buy his own presents.

Was just thinking exactly this.

To make amends eat meat and learn to love plastic.

@dollydaydream

Trust me, he knows, my aversion to anything leather is a joke level subject in my family, to the point where my DB once accidentally passed me a leather pouch and I was jumping around as if he'd handed me a spider. This was in front of my DH.

getting in a huff because you're' ungrateful' is an excellent way to deflect from the fact that he bought a shit present.