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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a friend drive my kid to nursery every week?

36 replies

MeowToffee · 11/09/2019 21:09

Asking here because it seems an AIBU thread waiting to happen. Will try not to drip feed.

DP and I do not have a car at the moment. Our little one will start nursery soon, for one day a week at first, then two days in a couple of months. We are waitlisted at two nurseries. There is the one close by our home, which is decent but has some issues (a bit rundown, some poor ratings / reviews), and one that's a bit further away, which we really love. My best friend's DD goes there. Because we don't have a car, the nursery that's further away is infeasible for us however. Public transport connections are bad, and it is too far to walk & manage pickup after work.

Now, we had pretty much accepted we'd have to take our baby to the nursery close to our home, but my friend has offered to drive our little one to the nursery further away. This means a significant detour for her, during rush hour. We'd pay for gas, but I still think she'll resent it and it might hurt our friendship. It is only temporary - I am hoping to have my driver's licence by next summer (DP cannot drive for medical reasons) - but I still don't want to accept her offer - I can see loads of potential issues and drama. However, I wonder if it is unfair to not consider my child's best interests and take her up on it anyway. AIBU?

OP posts:

WhatsMyPassword · 11/09/2019 21:12

what happens if your friend is ill or her car breaks down?

Invisimamma · 11/09/2019 21:14

What happens whe your friend is on holiday?

This is a bad idea for so many reasons.

Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 21:15

I think you could mitigate any bad feeling by paying for petrol as you have said and also taking her out for dinner/buying her wine etc. Presumably she has a little one and some babysitting might be handy for her as well. I don't think she would offer if she didn't mean it.

The only problem I envisage is what would happen if your child was ill? Could you get to parents evenings etc? I also personally would want to be involved in pick ups and drop offs myself and go in and help every now and then. Plus our pre school do events that parents are invited to sometimes. That would be my concern.

Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 21:15

Good point a pp he made about if your friend is ill or on holiday.

user1493413286 · 11/09/2019 21:17

What would happen when her child is ill and doesn’t go to nursery or when she’s on holiday? Equally what if your DD needed picking up early because she was ill or your friend had picked her DD up early for the same reason? How would it work in terms of settling her in?
I think it’s very kind of her to offer but with all of the above questions I don’t think I would want to rely on her. Also as it’s a detour for her she might get tired of doing it and cause resentment as you suggest.

ColouringPencils · 11/09/2019 21:17

I agree with your instincts that it is a bad idea. Next summer is ten months away, your DD will be going 2 days a week by then, and you can't guarantee you will pass your test first time. Why not try the nearer nursery and you can always aim for the other nursery if you still prefer it by the time you can drive.

By the way, I say this as someone who only learnt to drive recently. Lots of kind people gave or offered me lifts for years, but I mostly turned them down as you are always left feeling it is a favour you can't reciprocate. Even if they really didn't mind, it still made me feel awkward.

Unless there is some genuine way you can reciprocate with your friend on a weekly basis?

Sweetooth92 · 11/09/2019 21:18

What if your child is unwell or has an accident? How are you going to get there. Or have a relationship with her keyworkers etc?

ArthurMorgan · 11/09/2019 21:19

I wouldn't rely on her to be honest. It's a lovely thing to offer to do but the practicalities just aren't there

Original poster

MeowToffee · 11/09/2019 21:20

The holidays / illness logistics was one of my objections as well. Of course, DP or I could leave work early and start late occasionally in case of emergencies and there is the public transport option then, but if it happens regularly, we'd be in trouble at work.

OP posts:

Invisimamma · 11/09/2019 21:22

What if you need to get to DD in a hurry? Like she's unwell or has an accident, how would you feel needing to wait on your friend to get to DD.

What about bad weather when nursery closes early and you get called to collect. (We've had this for snow and storm warnings).

What if one of you changes days and you're left high and dry without transport.

Then there's the parents evenings, stay and plays, etc, how would you/dp get there.

Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 21:22

Of your child is young enough could you see how this one goes with a view to moving her next year and keep her on the waiting list of the other one. If she is happy in your local one fine but if you have any issues you can move her once she can drive.

Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 21:23

probably move her when you can drive rather than waiting until when SHE can drive

kaytee87 · 11/09/2019 21:24

It's impractical to have your child at a nursery you can't get to for all the reasons people have stated.

What about a nursery close to work?

BedraggledBlitz · 11/09/2019 21:25

No it won't work. Kids are off sick a lot at that age. Go to the local one and keep your life as easy as possible.

Original poster

MeowToffee · 11/09/2019 21:29

What about a nursery close to work?

We looked into it, but the waitlists are very long around there. We did sign up for one, but they don't expect to have a spot for us until next year.

Some of the problems mentioned we'd have at the other nursery as well, because we both use public transport to get to work, so we wouldn't be around the corner then either.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 11/09/2019 21:30

Absolutely not-go to one you can do independently

carly2803 · 11/09/2019 21:31

I wouldnt. Option C? or childminder? Has be something closer you can sort out for your child?

loubielou31 · 11/09/2019 21:32

You are right not to want to rely on someone else for every session it does have the potential to spoil a friendship.

Also the walk to nursery and home again makes lovely chatting time. Enforced fresh air and exercise each day (I know that isn't so appealing in the winter rain but decent shoes and coat makes it bearable) is good for both of you.

Being a bit run down does not necessarily make your local choice the lesser of your options. The way the adults interact with the children matters much much more than swanky surroundings.

Go for local.

northerngirl2012 · 11/09/2019 21:32

No, go to the one that you can get to independently , you can always waitlist others, or look at childminders?

museumum · 11/09/2019 21:35

It’s not sensible to put yourselves in this situation where you lack any flexibility and are so affected by another family’s plans and emergencies.
Choose the nursery that works for your own family.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/09/2019 21:38

Nope. Take her yourselves to the local one. It's nursery. It's not Cambridge v a Poly I'm sure she will be fine.

TrainspottingWelsh · 11/09/2019 21:38

Depends on the friendship really. If I offered to do it I genuinely would be doing so because I was happy to help & new what it entailed, other people might mean it but not have thought it through, and some people might say it hoping you don’t take it up. Only you can say which is most likely for her.

I do agree that it could be hard to juggle anything out of the ordinary though. And it might sour things if your driving doesn’t go to plan, failed tests, finances etc.

Original poster

MeowToffee · 11/09/2019 21:39

You are all confirming how I feel - that's good. I just wanted to make sure that I don't sell short my little one because of silly qualms.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 11/09/2019 21:41

No logistically it wont work-youor friend could be ill late or your child get ill at nursery they cant wait hours for you to pick them up

Original poster

MeowToffee · 11/09/2019 21:45

Being a bit run down does not necessarily make your local choice the lesser of your options. The way the adults interact with the children matters much much more than swanky surroundings.

I do feel I have to point out it's not about swanky surroundings - the nursery further away is mostly just more homely and friendly, with fewer children and much better staff ratios. The local one seems understaffed and more chaotic.

OP posts:

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