To not want my DH to join the gym with me.

[NChereNNow]

We've been fighting a lot and he thinks it will be good for us to spend the time together outside the house.

But the thing is, I'm really fat, he isn't. I don't want it to look like he's just being a sympathy gym partner or that he's bringing me to get fit.

Also my confidence is zero. I have MH problems and terrible social anxiety. So when he is there he always 'talks for me'. Please don't think this is him doing something wrong, it isn't. I just tend to clam up if he's there because he is so naturally confident so he takes the lead in social situations and I find it hard to break into the convo.

I just end up going red and feeling stupid

I think he's upset because he genuinely thinks it will help us to bond again. :(

Nope I wouldn't. My gym is my time for me.

I went running once with DH about 15 years ago. Never ever ever again.

It sounds like he dominates the conversations and doesn't let you think for yourself. Focus on the relationship problems, they're unlikely to be fixed by going to the gym

Yanbu. You need to do something for yourself, at your own pace.

Do you have any ladies' only gyms or sessions available?

gosh, no, I would hate that.

I'm a massive extrovert. Really really annoyingly social and loud. Running is silent time. No DH, no friends. The one friend who used to run with me was happy with us both wearing headphones (I love that woman). It's important self-care.

Also I look like a sweaty tomato so I'd rather DH got the effects of the running, rather than the reality.

Tell him no.

Can you suggest something else you can do together to bond (ie recognising that time together to work through your issues is important) but explain that you need something that you do for you to help grow your confidence, self esteem and for your wellbeing?

We go to the gym together. Both do our own routines with headphones on and happily ignoring each other for an hour. Does this count as spending time together?

It's a good thing that he wants to spend some time together outside home. Just tell him that you want to go to the gym at your own pace and do your own thing. Then come up woth an alternative that you can d together.

Shoxx. He doesn't do it in a negative way.

He sees me struggling and tries to help by taking the pressure off and being the one to talk because I find it SO hard.

Part of me really wants him to come because I'm scared and he's always been my crutch.

I don't know if I CAN go alone. I'm on ESA because of my issues and I don't go anywhere alone.

But part of me wants to be brave.

I go to the same gym as my DP. We literally split directions as soon as the car doors close and don't see each other until he taps me on the shoulders when its time to head home (I do the bare minimum, always happy when its time to leave )

I enjoy going to the gym "with him" as I like catching sight of him lifting weights (yes, I'm a perv), but I don't want him to be anywhere near my own workout and vice versa, I'm sure.

Perhaps you could say it is fine for him to attend the same gym as you, and for you both to travel together for convenience, but that you are happy with your independent workouts and would rather he not impact on the system that is already working for you? I don't think the gym is a time for "bonding" - if you're doing it right, you can't be chatting anyway, so how are you going to bond?

He's essentially my carer lately :(

YANBU, it sounds like you really need to do the gym by yourself. You don’t actually have to interact with anyone there, but it will give you the confidence to know that you can go out alone and when you’re ready to start chatting to people there you can do so.

I can’t imagine that DH talking for you all the time is helping.

Find something else to do together. Maybe go walking at the weekends, nature is good for our mental health. You could go the whole shebang and get walking boots, those sticks, backpacks and lunches, or just go locally for a couple of hours.

Whatever you decide you do want to do with him you could sell it as him helping you do something you’ve always wanted to do, but would love him to be there to help.

It's hard to find things to do as money is tight and we don't drive.

I would love to go for walks but we are in the middle of a city with the same few boring local parks to walk and no real way of getting anywhere further afield without spending money we don't have.

I'm just fed up.

Perhaps he is worried about you ?
Maybe try arriving together then doing your own thing. Your fitness instructor will tailor individual workouts anyway.

I think he is worried about me.

I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I wish I were normal.

Is there a women’s only gym near you?

Ask gp to refer you to gym programme under the local gym or wellbeing programme.
It may be group and or include free induction to specific gyms.

Not with dh

www.everyoneactive.com/content-hub/health/gp-exercise-referral/

Yanbu if this is something you want to do for yourself and by yourself you have every right to have something for you. I understand that he sees it as he is trying to help but if he really wants you to get better or learn how to cope with your anxiety by yourself he need to respect that this is your thing and you need to do this alone for your own mental health. Time to yourself is very important for mental health issues also and to clear your mind

Could you both join but agree not to go at the same time?

He doenst want to go himself.

He wanted to join to support me.

He doesn't need the gym. I'm just so torn. I dont know if I can face going alone but I don't want to feel daft either.

I'm joining on a disability membership so maybe I shouldn't care if they think I'm odd. Maybe they will be more sympathetic. I don't kbow

I hope that wasn't offensive. I just meant hopefully they will understand I have issues

Gyms can look scary, but honestly all the ones I’ve been to have been great once you get inside. Everyone is doing their own thing, and they will barely notice you because they’ll be so tied up in their own exercise. Listen to some music, ignore everyone around you and do your thing.

I think doing this on your own would be excellent, and will really boost your confidence. Maybe don’t talk to him about planning to do it, just go do it and then come back and tell him all about it.

Is geocaching something you’ve heard of? Might make those boring parks a bit more interesting?

The thing about the gym is that people are normally so 'in their own heads' they won't have time or energy to care about what is going on with you.

The gym staff need people who struggle a bit or they would all be out of a job. People like me who only use the gym when I can't run outside won't pay the bills. They need people who need them.

The gym I was using near my mum's has lots of people with physical and learning disabilities who come with their carers. No one is negative. Either they get a quick friendly smile or they get as ignored as the rest of us.

How about going to the gym building together but when you get there he dies something different - a swim or a drink in the cafe then you can meet afterwards to either go for a well deserved cuppa together or just head home. Then you're doing something together, it makes you go but you have an hour or so of independence?

Things to do together:

Free museums
Pub quiz
Meetups (check out the website for your local area)

Most gyms are great at giving you an induction if you have never been before. You could start of by just using the treadmill or bikes until you are familiar with it and feel ready to try other machines and the instructors will be happy to help you. Let that be your time. It’s great that you want to try feeling the fear!