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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Petty Domestic One

57 replies

Templetonstunafish · 11/09/2019 13:30

Me and DS got home from baby group about half 12, both hungry. DH is at home doing chores. I ask him to have the baby for 10 min while I make us all (him too) some lunch. He says no because he's busy folding washing, and straight after that he wants to hoover (visitors later). Baby is getting ready for a nap and hungry so won't settle in his playpen. I'm making something for lunch that needs the cooker and don't want to baby wear by the hob. He could easily baby wear and fold washing (as I have countless times) but is angry that I am trying to tell him how and when to do things. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 14:59

Put your baby down for two minutes, it won’t kill them. I also have a 10 month old and I don’t leave him crying but I have a life to live too, I couldn’t carry him around 24/7.

I sometimes strap him in his pushchair if needs be and let him watch me. He also has the skip hop jumpscape thing which he loves. Some people have a playpen to keep them out of bother when you’re not in the room. Whatever works really, you can’t go on holding your baby 24/7.

from123toabc · 11/09/2019 15:03

At 10 months you put the baby down and make the lunch.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/09/2019 15:07

I think he is being unreasonable

The baby needing lunch is time critical, the folding laundry isn't.

Though I'd have probably stuck the baby in front of the tv with a small stack to buy me a few minutes

ChocChocButtons · 11/09/2019 15:08

Sometimes babies fuss and cry. If your busy it’s not good to be holding them all the time.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 11/09/2019 15:09

@plunkplunkfizz It’s a grizzly baby not a miniature god.
I just PMSL.
I need to remember that more with my own DS haha! We avoid leaving him to cry as much as possible but I think OP (and me sometimes lol) need to realize you can't control a baby and sometimes they just cry. And that's ok.
ducks back out of the bunfight

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/09/2019 15:13

Silly when there's no need for him to cry though. Of course she could leave him to cry but why when the dh could take ten minutes out of his task to hold his baby, then they could eat lunch together, baby goes for nap and everyone gets on with tasks.

It's just about teamwork surely?

themuttsnutts · 11/09/2019 15:15

She's not on her own, though, is she. Her dh is there acting as if she may as well be

Original poster

Templetonstunafish · 11/09/2019 15:15

I have neither TV nor buggy but thanks for the suggestions.
I am aware people look after kids on their own, I am on my own with DS plenty of the time. But I wasn't on my own, so why couldn't he have helped. He could just have taken him upstairs with him ffs. I don't see anyone suggesting ways for him to be more helpful, just ways for me to do everything.

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 11/09/2019 15:19

Babywearing around the house when baby is 10 months old seems rather martyr-ish I'm afraid.

I'm not suggestion controlled crying but a 10 month old should be fine to be set down somewhere and soothed whilst you cook (or your DH does the washing)

Original poster

Templetonstunafish · 11/09/2019 15:26

He would be normally but he is grumpy, cutting a tooth and was tired and hungry. I do encourage him to play by himself but I'm not going to leave him to scream if he's upset.

OP posts:

WhyWontYouSleep · 11/09/2019 15:29

If your baby is crying why do you want to faff about for 10 minutes making fishcakes?! Chuck a banana and some rice cakes at the baby and cook when you've got time.

Your DH was BU for not helping you out.
But you were also BU to expect him to when you could easily have compromised your task.

Napqueen1234 · 11/09/2019 15:29

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Some people (men and women) find it hard to multitask and I find if I'm in the middle of something and DH interrupts for me to do something else I get irrationally annoyed. I think there is a common ground- by 10 months I'd bung DD on the kitchen floor with a couple of pats and pans and a wooden spoon which would entertain her for 5 mins making lunch takes. I don't think you helped yourself of the situation by only making lunch for yourself and DS at the end of the day he was helping with household chores not being selfish and not making him lunch seems a bit mean.

Deadringer · 11/09/2019 15:31

I would give the baby some finger food to keep him happy while I cooked. Tbh if I knew we would be getting home at a time the baby would be hungry I would have planned something quick to eat, not a cooked lunch. Your dh could have been more helpful but its not like he was stretched out on the sofa having a snooze. No one is suggesting you should do everything, and you weren't, your dh was doing the laundry then planning to Hoover.

jomaIone · 11/09/2019 15:31

I would have just taken the baby up to my husband and said 'I'm just going to leave DC here while I make some lunch, fishcakes ok?' no 'asking' if he'll hold the baby, just give him the baby!

Think you do need to teach baby to play independently occasionally though, so you can make lunch. Although not something that helps you right now. Sometimes it is impossible if they're really not for being on their own, but in that case I would have put them in the high chair with some finger food and set up the iPad to distract until food ready. I still do that with my 18 month old now.

burblife · 11/09/2019 15:36

I'm also surprised at the number of pp saying to let baby cry. I'm not saying it never happens but if there are two parents present why is it necessary? DH task, although important, was not time critical. Feeding the baby and everyone else surely more important in that moment!

I agree with @jomaIone, next time just leave the baby near DH and he will have to deal with the situation.

Out of interest, what had he been doing all morning before you got home to him doing housework?

Original poster

Templetonstunafish · 11/09/2019 15:36

I already had the mix made up but it needed eating or I would have made something quicker.

It would have been easier if I had made him lunch I accept that but I'm just so sick of him being so unsupportive. I know he sounds great putting the laundry away but that was probably the first time he's ever tried to do it so to have him make a big fuss about it was just so annoying. I'd already stepped in dog piss first thing because he hadn't taken her out last night like I asked him to so I could get a shower because it was 'my turn'. As in he'd done it the last time even though I do 80% if her walks.

Sorry I'm ranting now I'm just so tired an upset and I feel like my marriage is over over some stupid fishcakes.

OP posts:

ChatWithMe · 11/09/2019 15:38

Feeding the family is more important than laundry folding which can wait.

Sorry you're feeling unappreciated OP. Sounds stressful.

Babies need tlc so it's great you're keeping baby with one of you to reduce stress levels.

Maybe get through this stressful afternoon and spend time apart when you can then try to calmly talk it through (how this affects your feelings).

Joint parenting can be tough! Hugs x

Misanthropy101 · 11/09/2019 15:45

I've been on both sides of this. It's easy to dismiss your partner's situation when you have your own list of tasks. Both of you are doing this in the situation you outline.

I can assure you he feels he's entitled to get on with what he's doing. He sees it as a help to the household (you should acknowledge that before you make a request that diverts and adds a new task to his day, it would make a lot of difference to his attitude).
You get in and immediately require his help, with something which I suspect he thinks you don't necessarily need help with. After all, as everyone here has said, if you were alone you'd just do it.
On the other hand, he could just drop what he's doing for 10 minutes. But he probably has reason to believe he wouldn't get his jobs done if he was put on 'baby duty'.

I also suspect the whole story isn't being given to us, or you're not taking the bigger picture into account. How was the baby during the night? Does he have reason to want a break from the baby? He's probably focusing on chores hoping that it absolves him from baby duty for a short while at least.

The answer isn't black or white here. You're both being unreasonable but at the end if the day, you could just do it without him. It's not like he isn't being helpful in other ways

TheKarateKitty · 11/09/2019 15:50

He is being unreasonable. The comfort of your baby comes before hoovering for visitors. Or he could have, at least, switched tasks and cooked while you folded washing.

Actionhasmagic · 11/09/2019 16:02

I thought he was bu at first not helping, then I though you were bu by not making him a fish cake. But since your updates it seems something bigger is going on than laundry and fish cakes. I hope you resolve it but it’s tough so maybe try talking about what’s annoying you both and try to move forward

ElizaDee · 11/09/2019 16:07

marvellousnightforamooncup Wed 11-Sep-19 14:55:54
He could have been more helpful, but you do realise many parents have to look after babies and small children on their own. You find a way.

Just because many people do it on their own, that doesn't mean lazy bastards shouldn't step up and pull their weight.

Jesse70 · 11/09/2019 16:12

Bread sticks or a banana some kind of finger food he could get stuck straight into whilst u made lunch

BarbedBloom · 11/09/2019 16:13

I don't think this is about today really, rather this is just another example of you feeling you have to manage everything. The dog thing is really poor actually, it shouldn't be about turns but the comfort of the animal.

I think he could have stopped the laundry for five minutes to be honest. Why should a baby be left crying because he won't change focus for a second.

MisfitPuddleduck · 11/09/2019 16:18

I agree with what others have said; find a way to put little one down. Can't carry them everywhere and not do things around the house. Yes, DH was doing something else, but people going as far to say he is unreasonable and lazy etc is a bit much ... Does he work full time? Do you? If he's at work full time and you're at home full time then he's entitled to not have to help with everything. Probably not a popular opinion. I'm a stay at home Mom and my DH doesn't do much around the house, but he works his butt off to support us, so I see it as fair that I do the majority of the housework.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 11/09/2019 16:45

Washing can wait. It won't scream. Baby, not so much.

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