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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyday sexism or a genuine remark?

58 replies

EEmother · 11/09/2019 09:32

Please tell me I am being unreasonable.
So the story.
I recently took two weeks of annual leave to send my children off to school.
Then there's this colleague. We are not working together closely a lot, just on one project, and I am probably a little bit more senior than him. I'd say we generally have a cool and distant working relationship.
We were chatting next to the coffee machine yesterday (probably the first informal chat we had ever together), the usual - "So you're back now, did you go somewhere nice?" - "Nah, just stayed home to manage the school start, my youngest starts reception, so it was a bit stressful" - "Ah you have children, I did not know that! So who is looking after them now?". Then after thinking a bit - "isn't it great that the company allowed you two weeks off to do the school run?".
The more I think about it, the more I feel that something was off about that conversation. He wasn't really interested to hear back about my childcare arrangements, and I doubt he'd say the same to a male colleague. I obviously do not plan to run screaming to the HR about this, but it will definitely colour my opinion of him.
So aibu to think that was an example of everyday sexism? Or could it be in good faith and innocent?

OP posts:
lvsel · 11/09/2019 10:58

Not sexiest its rude

YeOldeTrout · 11/09/2019 10:59

Does cool & distant colleague have own kids under 20yo?
Coz 22 yrs ago I don't think parental leave existed. It's something that older parents can envy that younger parents got it.

I suspect OP is projecting a lot.

At worse, and this is still projecting a lot just not as much as OP, It sounds like 'parental leave' envy, not have-a-go-at-women envy.

WannabeMathematician · 11/09/2019 11:05

I think it's a bit weird to say "isn't it great that the company allowed you two weeks off to do the school run?".

At no company I've worked for do they vet the purpose of annual leave (as opposed to unpaid leave or parental leave) when they sign off on leave.

It comes across as a poorly though out sexist comment but with no malice behind it. Just a slightly dated way of thinking.

KUGA · 11/09/2019 11:06

I think its just small talk and most men really dont know what to say so they say something stupid.
I don`t think he meant any harm.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 11/09/2019 11:10

To be honest, it would have been worse if he had said "why do you need 2 weeks off for your kid starting school?" Which is what I would have said...

Longtalljosie · 11/09/2019 11:12

I would come back on it actually. A short email saying “I’ve been reflecting on our conversation this morning / last week and I’ve concluded I should have been clearer about my time off. It was taken from the same allocation of annual leave that everyone gets. I didn’t get any extra time to do the school run! Best, xxxxxx”

Because he does sound like a sexist and before you know where you are everyone will be hearing about how you buggered off on company time for a fortnight.

Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 11:13

Not sexist and I’m another one who finds it quite odd you needed a fortnight off work purely to take your reception aged child to school.

LordRandallXV · 11/09/2019 11:13

Micro aggression. 😂

Dude was just making conversation.

plunkplunkfizz · 11/09/2019 11:14

It would never have been said to a man because a man would not take two weeks off to settle a child into school. But then, neither would most women.

LordRandallXV · 11/09/2019 11:15

I would come back on it actually. A short email saying “I’ve been reflecting on our conversation this morning / last week and I’ve concluded I should have been clearer about my time off. It was taken from the same allocation of annual leave that everyone gets. I didn’t get any extra time to do the school run! Best, xxxxxx”

Definitely don't do this! It will make you look odd and management already know the score with your time off.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 11:17

I think YABU.
Throw away comments are just a means to communicate and find out about each other. I am sure if we dissect your comments in this conversation, it could be taken to be offensive too, if someone had that kind of mind.
I would stop trying be a victim and seeing slights where none exist. I am not sure how you got this far if you are going to be offend about this.

IAmALazyArse · 11/09/2019 11:18

I think he may have not realised you took normal annual leave and thought it may be some different company time off specifically for child related things.
Asking about who is looking after them now is a normal conversation.

PurpleDaisies · 11/09/2019 11:19

I would come back on it actually. A short email saying “I’ve been reflecting on our conversation this morning / last week and I’ve concluded I should have been clearer about my time off. It was taken from the same allocation of annual leave that everyone gets. I didn’t get any extra time to do the school run! Best, xxxxxx”

Oh heck, don’t send that! You’ll look batshit.

VanGoghsDog · 11/09/2019 11:25

Mmmm, now you've told us his age I'm thinking everyday sexism.

Aaaah, the irony......

from123toabc · 11/09/2019 11:29

Don't give it any head space. I'm pretty sure it just fell off his tongue and he hasn't given it a second thought.

Benes · 11/09/2019 11:33

'Who takes 2 weeks off for the school run??????'

Some school do part time hours for the first couple of weeks for reception. My DS doesn't start full time until next week. Some days he's only been in for two hours so we've had to take annual leave - it's been a bloody nightmare!

OP it just sounds like a bit of an awkward conversation. I'm not really seeing any sexism there

housemover2019 · 11/09/2019 11:34

It may or may not have been "off" on his part. In either case a reply along the lines of "they didn't allow me - I used my annual leave!" would have been all that was needed.

Original poster
EEmother · 11/09/2019 11:37

Just to clarify, I need two weeks off as the first week in reception is on a very weird schedule, the first day is just an hour in the morning, then children and parents come together for a teddy bear picnic in the afternoon. Next day is two hours after lunch. Then the children stay at home and the teacher and TA are doing home visits. Literally every day has a different schedule. My older is Y1 and has a medical condition, "back to school" is still a bit of stress and her blood sugar levels need to be monitored more regularly than usual. It is the first leave I took in 2019, I am a single parent with no family in the UK and surely it is my choice how to spend my annual leave?

OP posts:
housemover2019 · 11/09/2019 11:39

Of course it is - it's 100% your business how you use your leave. Ignore the idiots who say otherwise.

MrsBethel · 11/09/2019 11:42

I think he just doesn't realise you took holiday, not some other sort of leave, hence the weird comment.

It's not sexist at all. If you were a man it would probably have been exactly the same.

Spaceman101 · 11/09/2019 11:42

I must be in the minority here but I don't think it's strange you've taken 2 weeks off to settle your dc in school. I've on maternity leave this week but when I go back I've asked my DH to take next week off to do the school run which he is going using A/L.

Other than that I don't really think he was sexist just trying to make small talk

ErrolTheDragon · 11/09/2019 12:29

To be honest, it would have been worse if he had said "why do you need 2 weeks off for your kid starting school?"

That would have been better than the clueless 'school run' comment - the OP could then have explained, as she's done upthread, about the weird timetable for the first couple of weeks.

I'm astonished that on a parenting board so many posters seem unaware of the fact that's quite normal for new reception kids nowadays. Hmm

RosaWaiting · 11/09/2019 12:33

I’d be thinking he thinks you got something additional to normal paid leave.

I never go abroad or anywhere really, does he think people dont use annual leave for anything else?!

jackparlabane · 11/09/2019 12:36

The wierd part-time starts are something I've only heard about on MN (locally schools start a few kids each day but they are full time immediately), so most parents wouldn't necessarily know about them especially if they are older.

whyamidoingthis · 11/09/2019 12:43

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz - Mmmm, now you've told us his age I'm thinking everyday sexism.

He's in his 50's, not his 80's.

which comes from a generation where this was all absolutely women's work.

I'm a similar age to him. DH and I shared this sort of stuff when the kids were young, as was the case with most couples I know who had jobs flexible enough to allow it. If one job was not flexible, then the load tended to fall on the other person. However, that was not always the woman or always the man.

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