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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should she change the locks?

49 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 11/09/2019 07:25

Okay I’m posting here for traffic and advice for a friend.

She’s living in rented accommodation with two DCs. She’s been unhappy in her relationship for a long time but she was worried and isn’t financially secure without her partner. Ie she would be on benefits without him, her quality of life for her children would change(she currently also works part time), her dcs are 9 and just turned 3. Her youngest is with her current partner.

She has tried to end things before, I think emotional abuse is taking place and threats. Which have kept them together. They’re not in a sexual relationship, it’s happened rarely, couple of times a year and she’s said she feels raped and sick. She’s told him this.

Anyway she set up benefits two months ago with a view to ask him to leave. (He isn’t on the tenancy) shes not one for confrontation and has told him she doesn’t love him and wants him to leave, but he isn’t going willingly. It came to a head this Monday and she said she wants him out Friday.

He’s refusing to leave saying he wants more time(which he’s said before then worked on her) now his sister who works for a government body which has something to do with benefits is threatening to report her if she doesn’t give him another month. For claiming already. She’s used the money for rent, she isn’t hoarding or saving it, if she was made to pay back what she owed she’d be in a worse situation. Her partner gambles his main earnings, so the money he didn’t give her for rent is also lost.

She’s in a pickle, they argue daily and he isn’t kind to her elder ds. He’s desperate, saying he’ll kill himself, damage goods. He’s taking days off work so she’s stuck with him in the house currently.

I suggested changing the locks but I’m worried about his sister reporting her, she didn’t attend to commit benefit fraud. She’s vulnerable and was trying to get things in place as she has two children to think of.

Any advice welcome, please go easy I’m showing her all replies. Sad

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/09/2019 07:28

Does she feel raped, or is he actually raping her?

Does she want the sex he is having with her?

Is he having sex against her will?

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 11/09/2019 07:31

She’s felt like she had to have sex, think 1950s :( he recently begged and offered her 200 to sleep with him but she turned him down.

In the past she felt she had to. She’s felt raped because she hasn’t wanted to do it but she isn’t accusing him of rape.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 11/09/2019 07:36

If he won't leave she needs to. I know it's not easy with two children but she may need to declare herself homeless.

When you say he's not nice to older DS, is he abusive? Even just verbally? If so she can say she was forced out of her home, theoretically, and will be more likely to get a house rather than a hostel space.

Tell her that her child needs to be her priority. A 9 year old won't forget easily.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 11/09/2019 07:36

Think I should of come up with a more dramatic title. :( need advice ASAP as he’s home all day today and going to work tomorrow. That’s when she could change locks.

OP posts:
Icantthinkofanynewnames · 11/09/2019 07:37

I'd change the locks and threaten to call the police if he returns. If he does return I'd tell the police about his sister's threat too. If she lets him stay based on his sister's threat then she will never get rid of him, as this could literally go on forever. I'd consider reporting his sister to her workplace and explain the situation - i'd say that yes he is staying there but only because he is abusive and refusing to leave, and that his sister is abusing her position in her job in order to force your friend to let him stay in the house.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 11/09/2019 07:39

His sister's threat is really serious - she is totally abusing her position in her job to FORCE your friend to break the rules. Does your friend have evidence in the form of messages or anything, that his sister has said this?

SandraOhshair · 11/09/2019 07:39

If it's just her name on the tenancy shes better to stay put.
I'd ignore the threat of benefits fraud. If it came to that she can deal with it later, the key thing is to get the man out, and I'd change the locks asap.

Quartz2208 · 11/09/2019 07:40

Yes change the locks and police and same with sister say that as welk

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/09/2019 07:42

Can you (or someone) be with her when he comes home? To give her moral support.

I think changing the locks is a good idea but I'm no expert. Is he likely to turn violent?

I'm just thinking it's not as easy as changing the locks and it'll all be done. He's going to persist one way or another, and she needs back up.

Also I think you'd be better off on the Relationships board than AIBU.

SandraOhshair · 11/09/2019 07:42

At worst its 2 to 3 months over payment, and sounds like extenuating circumstances if shes been trying to get him to leave in that time. But she really needs to get him out asap otherwise the overpayment situation will only get worse.

chuttypicks · 11/09/2019 07:43

Surely she's not allowed to change the locks on a rental property........

lyingwanker · 11/09/2019 07:47

If he's not in the tenancy then the police will assist with removing him. It happened to my neighbour. She would also be able to lock him out but that doesn't solve the problem of getting his belongings out of there. She needs to tell him that he needs to be out by the end of the day and if he isn't the police will be called. I would also report his sister to her own company for her threats.

AmIThough · 11/09/2019 07:49

Oh yeah also tell her to report his sister

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 11/09/2019 07:49

Hoping this isn’t outing! She’s practially said it without saying it. “You be fair i’ll be fair!”

How can she be made to live with him another 4 weeks. He’s just going to spend all that time trying to get her back manipulating with threats. He could live with this sister who owns a two bed or his mother in the mean time. He’s staying to try and get things his way again. She’s so stuck. :(

Should she change the locks?
OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 11/09/2019 07:50

I would call the police if I were her, and have a friend stay overnight after he is gone. Surely the landlord would have to change the locks?

ImNotYourGranny · 11/09/2019 07:51

Change the locks, put all his stuff outside the door, have someone with her for when he gets 'home' and don't worry about the benefits issue. As I understand it you can still claim if your ex partner is still in the house but you are genuinely separated. If his sister reports her she can tell them honestly that the relationship was over but she couldn't get him to leave.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/09/2019 07:52

He’s just going to spend all that time trying to get her back manipulating with threats.

That was my point - changing the locks is the easy part; staying firm is going to be hard and she'll need moral support.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 11/09/2019 07:57

I’mnotyourgranny, thanks I didn’t know that about being separated. I’ve told her that. Thanks for all the good advice. Knew mumsnet wouldn’t let me down and would be there in a pinch.

I think she can change the locks if she gets the landlords persmission and pays for it herself. Not 100 percent sure though.

Yeah I should of posted in relationships but I wanted traffic. Happy for it to be moved though.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 11/09/2019 07:59

Change the locks I'm assuming he has paid nothing towards the rent she has been chaiming? She can tell him she has reported herself and asked to repay the money she wasnt entitled to

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2019 07:59

She needs to call the police, and report his sister.

Pollywollydolly · 11/09/2019 08:02

So the sister works in benefits and is threatening to report your friend for benefit fraud? I think she has a duty to report your friend, but instead she is trying to blackmail her into not throwing her brother out?

I think the sister's employers might be interested to hear about her behaviour. Your friend needs to turn the tables and report her.

She could get some advice from CAB about the benefit. If she has been trying to get him to leave but he and his sister are exercising coercive control. Also get some advise about getting him out.

HiJenny35 · 11/09/2019 08:03

I would get her to text the sister back saying...
I got the benefits because I had told him to leave and believed he would. I am not getting any money from him as he gambles it all away so tell them I'm not cheating anything. I want him out he refuses to go. I've given him week after week and everytime the time is up he refuses to leave what am I meant to do. I've been reasonable this has been going on forever. He will never go.

And wait for a response so at least if she goes to the social you have the text thread to show.
And yes I'd 100% change the locks tomorrow. Whatever happens he isn't going to leave nicely and the longer it's left the more agro she will be in with the social as it's very likely the sister will tell but he's never going to leave unless forced.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 11/09/2019 08:03

Your friend is being coerced into sex (raped) by her partner and blackmailed by his sister who is using her job as a way to do so. Contact women’s aid first and foremost. Don’t do it while he’s in the house it’s not safe to. Can your friend go out for the day without raising suspicion? Make sure to never leave the children with him at all always take them with her when she goes anywhere.

Good luck to your friend and I’m glad she has you to help her and confide in.

PurpleDaisies · 11/09/2019 08:05

His sister won’t report her. That would mean her own blackmail coming to light. It’s an empty thread.

MildThing · 11/09/2019 08:05

Legal advice from CAB or WA. Or the police.