Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How long can I ignore DP

37 replies

ParanoiaWillAnnoyHer · 10/09/2019 21:38

NC for this.

Im not talking to my DP at the moment- havent been since Sunday. Im eight months pregnant, we have a good relationship, everything has been fine with no real added stresses, he doesnt smoke, take drugs and doesnt drink much.

He has a tendency towards being a bit jealous/over possessive, but these come from his own issues (whatever they may be) and I ignore them. Think doesnt like me wearing anything he considers low cut or tight (ignored) and thinks that all men talking to me are trying it on (flattering, but wrong) that sort of shit. Its a tiny part of who he is and he has got better over time and it certainly doesnt define the relationship or anything- its a minor irritant.

However, at the weekend he completely overstepped the mark. He works nights and I got a call at 2am which woke me up. Id been in bed early with horrendous lower back pain.

'where are you?' Bed
'You sound different' you woke me up
'whats that noise in the background?' the tv, fell asleep with it on
'you dont normally watch that. It doesnt sounds like X programme, it sounds like people' it must have come on after I fell asleep
'are you sure youre at home? Its a bit convenient your back hurt and you needed to go to bed' of course Im sure, whats with the questions?
'Ive just seen a woman walk past here with two men and she looks just like you' Im in bed...
'well it looks like you, with two men, you were wearing a pinkish blazer' (spectacularly missing the point) I dont own a pink blazer. Im heavily pregnant are you telling me you think you saw a heavily pregnant woman wandering around town with two men and think its me?
'well she is big. Are you sure youre in bed?' Go fuck yourself.

Thats a shorter version but it sums it up.

I hung up and sent him a text message telling him not not bother coming near me if that was what he thought of me, never mind the fact that Im heavily pregnant, in pain and in bed he had the nerve to accuse me of lying... and some more choice words beside. Told him it was his paranoia and I was sick to my back teeth of the whole lot of it.

I dont think Im unreasonable to be fuming with him for this- there is a huge difference between your insecurities making you a bit paranoid but its another to accuse your heavily pregnant girlfriend of faking a bad back to go to bed so she can go out on the town partying with men after you go to work and then interrogate her from her whereabouts to the content on tv at 2am. Fucking moron.

He's tried to initiate conversation but Ive just said yes, no or blanked him entirely. He brings me drinks and tea but not once has he acknowledged that he's overstepped the line (line is so far in the distance I cant see the line at this point) or attempted to apologise.

Not speaking to him is childish, but I dont want to be drawn into having conversations that get less frosty until this is glossed over and he can make this a non-issue that wasnt his fault because I think its high time he accepted responsibility for this crap and acknowledged it- and I want an apology because the fact he thinks that Id do that, even if it is all in his head, disgusts me. And if he really holds that opinion of me, he can piss off.

AIBU to keep not talking to him and wait for him to make an apology/explanation or should I be tackling him on it?

OP posts:

Suebnm · 10/09/2019 21:42

You're right. Your boyfriend sounds horrific. Has he always been this bad or only since you wanted to have a baby with him?

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 21:48

It's all sounds very boundary pushing, and it is alarming when a man starts behaving badly when a baby is about to arrive, you are clearly no pushover but even so so you are compromised and vulnerable because of being pregnant etc

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2019 21:48

I think this latest incident is extremely alarming. It is paranoia and an attempt to control and manipulate you of the highest order. I very seriously fear he will become physically abusive in the near future. For abusive men like him, a new baby is a massive trigger which escalates their controlling behaviour.

I would leave him because of this, no question about it.

Original poster

ParanoiaWillAnnoyHer · 10/09/2019 21:49

He's always been a bit paranoid, but silly stuff- this is completely out of the blue and he has never been like this before. Its so obscure its delusional.

I am so angry I am cold and dont feel like I should be prompting him to make an apology, that this has to come from him.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2019 21:51

Even if he "apologises", it won't mean a fucking thing because he doesn't believe he did or thought anything wrong. What he did was completely unhinged.

bombomboobah · 10/09/2019 21:52

From what you said this person obvious has controlling tendencies, normally he doesn't get away with it because you face him down, but here he is escalating just at the time when you are weaker
This makes him look very predatory....he smells weakness and he moves in for the kill

thunderandsunshine01 · 10/09/2019 21:53

YANBU! I’d tell him you want him to go seek some real help (therapy) as a starting point to fixing his issues.
If he accepts then great, you can probably start to go about life together again knowing it will obviously be a work in progress for him.
If he declines, then walk. (Make sure you wear a pink blazer to do so)

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2019 21:53

Hi op

Congratulations on your pregnancy,

There's a phrase in therapy that escapes me right now, but it basically means, whatever he's accusing you of, is really guilt or a cover story for what he maybe doing.

Are you sure of where he is all the time, and his fidelity to you ?

💐

fantasmasgoria1 · 10/09/2019 21:54

Sounds paranoid and controlling. My first husband was similar. Used to keep me up all night accusing me of having an affair. Every time I dosed off he would shake me awake and say who is he, who are you having an affair with? This would go on until he got too tired to carry on. Trying to control what you wear etc is a bad sign.

WhatsMyPassword · 10/09/2019 21:55

Oh boy, you wait till you are isolated away from friends, colleagues family and financially reliant upon him.

ErickBroch · 10/09/2019 21:55

This is NOT normal. He is a controlling man and this is going to get worse. I can't really give advice other than leave him, because he will never change. I know you are heavily pregnant so of course that's unlikely but please.... know that he will not change, it will not get better, and he is controlling.

WorraLiberty · 10/09/2019 21:56

You need to tackle this head on and tell him in no uncertain terms that this is his problem and you refuse to allow him to make it yours.

Behaviour like that can eventually wear you down, especially with the added pressure/lack of sleep a newborn baby will bring. It's not unusual for women in your situation to learn to 'modify' their behaviour (even without realising it) for a 'quiet life' and that never ends well.

he doesnt smoke, take drugs and doesnt drink much.

That's ^^ the least I would expect from any man I lived with and especially one I was about to have a baby with. Please don't be 'grateful' for such normal behaviour, as it sounds like your 'gratitude' means you're willing to accept a lot of other shit.

Maltay · 10/09/2019 21:58

My DP also never apologises even when he knows he's in the wrong, just brings cups of tea etc. I would just come out and say 'do you know why I'm waiting for an apology?' some men really do need it spelling out for them imo. He may suprise you and apologise, if he gets defensive or starts accusing you again then I guess youll
know what kind of man he is...

Happyspud · 10/09/2019 21:59

This is dangerous stuff OP. You’re right. He has severely crossed the line. I’m not sure how you come back from that.

Original poster

ParanoiaWillAnnoyHer · 10/09/2019 22:00

@thunderandsunshine01 I would like a pink blazer...

@Aquamarine1209 this is why I cant bring myself to talk to him- the tea and everything is nice but thats an attempt to gloss over the issue, not an acknowledgement that hes fucked up. Its not good enough.

@Guiltypleasures001 hes definitely not cheating, if hes not working, hes studying from home. This isnt deflection its just...batshit for lack of a better word.

I mean, you hear hooves, you think 'horses' not 'zebras'.

OP posts:

Bubbles121 · 10/09/2019 22:01

I know you're 8 months pregnant - but this was on the weekend and he hasn't acknowledged what a dick he was yet - this sounds like an escalation of controlling behavior. Well done for standing up to it today OP but what if this is just the start? I don't think I've ever said this before but you should get out, pregnant or not (and as someone who is also pregnant - I know how overwhelming that prospect must be) but he sounds unstable and all the stories you read and documentaries you watch start like this and end with jealous, violent, abusive men. I would laugh at the absurdity of his reaction if I didn't genuinely think there are massive red flags all over your post.

chipsandgin · 10/09/2019 22:02

Not normal. He needs serious help for his mental health and you need to leave. You’ve clearly got to the point where you’ve normalised this and it isn’t ok - it could escalate to to the point that it is dangerous for you and your baby. Is there anyone you can call IRL. Ignoring him will achieve nothing - leaving and explaining that his behaviour is unacceptable (understatement) will.

TheKarateKitty · 10/09/2019 22:02

Very abnormal. Possibly like a pp said, he may be projecting. In any case, that jealous streak is bad news, and likely to worsen.

It’s your life and that of your child. I suggest breaking clean. At the very least, he should get therapy.

Good luck.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 22:03

Shit OP

There have been a few threads on here with men becoming more controlling and abusive during pregnancy and none of them ended well, they generally escalated until the women were very scared before they left.

If he apologises, properly apologises, I would be very specific about what you want. No comments on clothes, appearance, other men, counselling individually and joint. Leaving at the first sign he hasn't changed. Controlling behaviour is abusive and its good you seem to be able to ignore it but I would still have massive concerns. There is a short line between 'not liking low cut tops' and 'look at that whore - she was asking to be raped'. It is much easier to control someone when they've just had a baby and feeling vulnerable so I would look at back up plans now rather than later. Just incase

minipie · 10/09/2019 22:04

Unfortunately it is common for men (some men, not all obviously) to become or get more abusive when their partner is pregnant or has a baby. God knows why but it happens.

Please please tell your midwife about this as well as his past paranoid/jealous tendencies.

I’m glad you are clear that he is the one in the wrong not you, and that his behaviour is nuts. Remember that and don’t ever let him convince you he’s being reasonable or that you’ve done something to trigger it.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/09/2019 22:07

This isn't a small thing, it's not 'flattering', it's not a minor part of a good relationship, it's serious, serious red flag behaviour. It's seriously controlling and indicative of a very dangerous man. Sorry to be so dramatic but I can't overstate it. You're sleep walking into a really abusive situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2019 22:09

Op, he is already a very jealous, possessive man. Imagine how he will be when nearly all of your attention is focused on your baby. I can almost guarantee he is going to go off the deep end. He won't be able to handle it.

MaybeNew · 10/09/2019 22:11

If you can, leave now and go to your parents. Tell him that you may come back if he can prove to you that he has sorted his mental health out.

lilypips · 10/09/2019 22:13

Im not talking to my DP at the moment- havent been since Sunday. Im eight months pregnant, we have a good relationship

The rest of your post suggests otherwise.

Original poster

ParanoiaWillAnnoyHer · 10/09/2019 22:17

@WhatsMyPassword oh no, I was burned like that by an ex- as such I have my own house, everything in my name and my own finances. I would never allow myself to be in a situation where emotional/financial 'leverage' could come into play.

@WorraLiberty I only mentioned substances in case it was suggested he could have a secret habit... he doesnt.

I am genuinely caught between stone cold anger and wondering wtf made my lovely partner, with whom I panned this pregnancy and we have both been really excited for, come out with something like that. The paranoia he normally has is honestly a minor thing and I pooh-pooh it. This is not like him.

This doesnt make it acceptable- maybe he is suffering with his MH or something- doesnt make it okay to come out with crap like that, but it would be the preferable option to him actually holding that opinion.

Because that I will not stick around for.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread