For hating being at home with the kids?

[sohelpmejod]

I've nc for this as I'm so deeply embarrassed. I have just an enormous ruck with my husband because the kids (4 year old and 2 year old) have been at home with me all day and, as much as I love them and adore them, I HATE being home with both of them. It's constant bickering, whining, "I'm hungry" desperately trying to fit in work around various schedules (I work from home) and I'm sick of it. My eldest starts school next week and I can't wait. Everybody keeps telling me "oh you'll miss it! Don't wish their childhoods away!" But I honestly can't wait and can't wait for the youngest to go too.

My husband works long and shitty hours and tbh I do wonder sometimes if he does it to martyr himself. He's just given me a whole lecture about the shit job he does, the shit hours he has, that he gets called away at the last minute whereas with my work events/meetings I have to work out fucking intricate childcare arrangements, logistics etc before I can even confirm to go to things. I manage the house, I do the groceries, I have the "mental load" and while things are normally brilliant and my mood has been good lately, the stress of a two year old who won't give me a moments peace and follows me constantly is making me really fucking on edge.

Im probably being vvvvu, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I've tried the going out to the park, doing things with the kids, baking blah blah blah and it just ends up with tears, tantrums and me thinking "why the hell did I even bother?" The kids aren't even badly behaved but it's just CONSTANT.

And I do have family members that help out a lot, youngest goes to nursery but I wish they could have them do the whole day sometimes. We can't afford anymore childcare and other. Also if husband is with the kids the buggers are as good as gold and he gets chores done and makes me feel like I'm just dossing (I infer this rather than him implying it).

ANYWAY.... If you got this far, I salute you and I feel a lot better for getting it off my chest.

Also side note I don't work from home with the kids but because of constant interruptions and a much bigger and unexpected requests of workload I find myself roped into doing things ad hoc on days off. It's part and parcel of my role and I don't mind but it's hard going sometimes. It's my dream job as well.

I don't think you are U as such, but I think you need to be better at planning. You say that you don't mind the adhoc work, but you csnt then complain it makes your days off harder with the kids to the point of you hating it. Something has to give.

If kids are saying they are hungry AND they are being an arse, I'd maybe consider if they are hungry?

Regarding your husband, if he hears you complain about how hard your life is spending time with your kids while he would prefer to be at home, you can't expect much sympathy of you don't offer any to him for his working conditions.

Sounds like you need to separate work and childcare times more affirmatively and accept that you cant do both.

Not wanting to sound too harsh but this doesn't sound a million miles away from my life over the last few years and now we're going through divorce, not specifically because of this, but due to a very one sided view of life.

Thanks for the head wobble @justbeingadad I know I'm being u but sometimes it gets a little too much. I've been much better at compartmentalising over the summer but after having the eldest home for about 10 weeks I'm starting to get a bit skittish. She's bored, I'm bored, we're broke and have run out of fun stuff to do and the 2 year old is just at that boisterous "NO!" phase where everything is a drama.

I was actually relatively calm until I tried to go and tidy up the kids rooms and the 2 year old "appeared" and pulled everything out again when her dad was meant to be watching her (he was on his phone ).

I've had mh issues in the last including a massive dose of PND, mainly due to feeling suffocated and not having any "time to myself". I've tried to deal with it, got myself organised, I bullet journal blah blah blah and then all of a sudden today a colleague has done nothing but phone me and despite insisting they call back on my working day they kept on calling and calling till I picked up for some stupid shit. They're a freelance as well so they just pick up and drop off when they fancy it, but that's a totally different issue. Can't switch my phone off either as my husband's work may call as well.

I just need to take a deep breath and get done headspace but when I try and explain that to my husband he thinks I should be desperate to be at home with the kids, as a family every waking hour. It's a case of two sides of the fence really.

That is very difficult. Maybe a 2nd work phone. About 50% of the people in my industry have one for this exact reason.

Sounds like the issue is not so much the kids but that you csnt dedicate the time to the kids to stop them being the issue. I certainly know how easy it is to grt frustrated when you are trying to do something while parenting.

Asuming being skint is a short term issue, why not put your 2yo in nursery or something to give yourself some time. My stbxw was more or less a SAHM but our youngest went to nursery 1.5 days a week.

I've thought about a second phone but I already have to pay for my phone contract (not included as part of my work package) so would mean I incur more cost. Broke is just because 10 weeks of leaping her amused/£300 on school uniform etc. There's only so many times we can go for ice cream. Youngest does go to nursery 2 days a week and a day at a family members but it's the two days where I have them together (and weekends as my husband works most weekends as well). Even if I've had no work interruptions etc I just need some time in my own company and I just don't get it. Even now, both children have launched themselves on me. They won't let my husband put them to bed. It has to be me, which is lovely but totally unrelenting. I understand that my husband would LOVE that but I'd happily swap 50% of the time.

Yeah, you definitely need alone time. Assuming you can financially make it happen, you need to. Nursery on a day when you don't work.

That's the problem, the lack of alone time. It'll be easier when the eldest starts but

(sorry, posted by accident) you'll still have youngest. The issue is the weekends. Is there a way you could get family member to have them at the weekend for half a day instead of in the week? So you can go for a run, gym, cup of tea?

I'm hoping so, I'm going to see if I can up her days at nursery too. I think if he didn't work weekends I wouldn't get myself so worked up but often he'll have to work late/go in on overtime/cancel plans last minute so I never know what's happening and the weekends are just another day without childcare.

I've been desperate to join the gym but I work all the time the kids are at nursery and them have nobody to watch them when I'm not working. I'm hoping that school will get us a bit more of a routine where I have pauses for breath. I feel bad for having a go at him but the best way I can describe it is like being "touched out" like when the kids were babies. I don't want to be touched, looked at, talked to etc. I've been trying to meditate and do mindfulness but it's impossible because there's never a moment to myself.

Feeling better now as they are in bed and he's gone to have a shower so finally have some peace. He'll be in a foul mood for the remainder of the evening now though.

I could have written your post. I've got 2.5 year old twins and I'm seriously struggling at the moment. I'm on anti depressants, I get some time to myself every now and again but the sheer monotony and relentless of being at home all day with 2 small kids is killing me. The guilt for feeling that way is just the cherry on top. Yes there's things everyone could do to lighten their load a bit but you've got to get out of the fog of exhaustion and depression to be able to do those things. Until then, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Do you have friends with small children? I have mine (1.5 and 3.5) for two days per week and often all weekend and I find it tough. The less tough days are the ones I spend with good friends- park, library, soft play, museum, at each other’s houses. I rarely spend a whole day just with the children or I feel like I’m going mad.

Yanbu.

I can't express how happy I was once both my dc went to school. I never understood the sobbing mums brigade. I skipped away with joy in my heart!

God I feel a lot better now. Thank you everybody! People seem to make feel like I'm a bloody monster for feeling like this and how "lucky" I am. I am very lucky but I can't be happy ALL the time.

I am also like you, most of the time. I could cry some days.

Does your husband have any say in when he works or how many hours, maybe he can help out more if he can delegate with his job?
It's really tough having children this age and it takes it out of you, don't feel bad for feeling worn out, anyone in your situation would feel the same. I have 3 kids of various ages so I know your struggle, but the more help you can get from the people around you the better, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for the fact that you find it hard - trust me you have a much harder job than your husband's, whatever hours he is working- you are working more!

Thanks. He has a manual role so he can't delegate or change his hours. He's hellbent on getting our mortgage paid off and clearing off credit cards (even though we have minimal amounts and less than the average household). He's worked, on top of 10 day on 4 day off schedule, over 400+ of overtime since April. It's insane and if I query it he gets cross. I know he's doing it so we can be comfortable but often the stress that goes with it is so not worth the trade off. He's terrified of redundancy and work drying up though so I doubt he'll change. The majority of his colleagues are actually divorced because ion their job.

400+ hours*

I really feel for you. I understand why your husband might want to work so many hours and his concerns about the future and job security, but your contribution is just as important as his, after all you are a full time mum and a part time worker trying to hold down a job is hard work, and being a parent is a 24 hour job in itself. I am sure that things will improve to a degree once your eldest starts school and maybe you can find help looking after the youngest for a few hours a day while you work. I know that tax credits really helped me out in that way when my youngest came along and it helped me keep my sanity, even though it did not pay fully for the childcare ( it paid about 75%) it was worth it for the sake of my sanity and my relationship

YANBU. Not everyone is meant to be a SAHP, I'm certainly not. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 6 month old, and I have a 3.8 year old who is in school nursery mornings only. It's a slog. If my eldest was in full time school, it'd be much easier, but my days are generally spent keeping him occupied whilst trying to fit in the baby's feeds/naps etc. I feel sorry for DC2 and wish he could have more focus!

I will be sad to leave my baby when I go back to work in January, but I will be glad to not be at home with small children 24/7.

You are my person. I could've written this word FOR word.

You aren't alone. I have a 3.5 yr and a 2 yr old and it's fucking killing me. I work 3 days a week so as a result my working days are so intense. But then my days at home literally have me on my knees

Everything is constant. I can't even articulate a reply because I'm so shattered and overwhelmed. But you aren't alone in feeling like this. I promise

I can agree with how you feel, but can't offer anything other than hope you can endure the wait till they are a bit more off your hands.

It can be very hard to enjoy children with all the relentless and monotonous drudgery they can bring.

I also feel like I could of written your post! Have a 2 year old & a 3 month old. Baby just wants to be held or feeding constantly or she’s screaming & the 2 year old much like yours is at the ‘NO!’ Stage & also wanting me to play constantly.

On top of that you have laundry, cleaning, food shop, cooking, taken kids out etc. No nursery, I’m not back at work yet.

Dp comes home from admittedly long day (leaves at 7.30am home at 6.30pm. But I really do think he thinks I sit on my arse all day or I’m having a jolly old time chatting to my friends at play dates.

I do wish we could trade for a few weeks for him to see, it’s tough.

Yanbu
I feel your pain. I’ve only got one DC and stopping at just one (she’s 2)
I love her so much but I don’t enjoy it! Never thought I’d feel like this and I’m also so embarrassed but that’s how I feel.
We are on holiday in menorca and it’s fucking shit. She only wants me. Poor dh has tried so hard to give me a break but she’s worse than having a new born, she won’t be put down but she’s 2stone! But won’t hold hands if she walks, tantrum if we put her in buggy/car seat and basically everything else aswell, nothing pleases her. Seems to have gone on hunger strike too!
She’s slept and napped brilliantly tho that’s my plus of the holiday.
Sorry no advice just wanted a moan and to add to the “you aren’t the only one” posts.

Yanbu I've only got one child and when he started school was great

My DH is wonderful but like pp I don't think he realises how lucky he is to be going to work every day! He's yet to have both kids on his own for any length of time, I can't wait for the day he does and realises how hard it is!