For hating being at home with the kids?

[sohelpmejod]

I've nc for this as I'm so deeply embarrassed. I have just an enormous ruck with my husband because the kids (4 year old and 2 year old) have been at home with me all day and, as much as I love them and adore them, I HATE being home with both of them. It's constant bickering, whining, "I'm hungry" desperately trying to fit in work around various schedules (I work from home) and I'm sick of it. My eldest starts school next week and I can't wait. Everybody keeps telling me "oh you'll miss it! Don't wish their childhoods away!" But I honestly can't wait and can't wait for the youngest to go too.

My husband works long and shitty hours and tbh I do wonder sometimes if he does it to martyr himself. He's just given me a whole lecture about the shit job he does, the shit hours he has, that he gets called away at the last minute whereas with my work events/meetings I have to work out fucking intricate childcare arrangements, logistics etc before I can even confirm to go to things. I manage the house, I do the groceries, I have the "mental load" and while things are normally brilliant and my mood has been good lately, the stress of a two year old who won't give me a moments peace and follows me constantly is making me really fucking on edge.

Im probably being vvvvu, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I've tried the going out to the park, doing things with the kids, baking blah blah blah and it just ends up with tears, tantrums and me thinking "why the hell did I even bother?" The kids aren't even badly behaved but it's just CONSTANT.

And I do have family members that help out a lot, youngest goes to nursery but I wish they could have them do the whole day sometimes. We can't afford anymore childcare and other. Also if husband is with the kids the buggers are as good as gold and he gets chores done and makes me feel like I'm just dossing (I infer this rather than him implying it).

ANYWAY.... If you got this far, I salute you and I feel a lot better for getting it off my chest.

UANBU and it does get easier, I promise. Schedule in time off for YOU, it's essential. Take annual leave and still send them to nursery, call in favours, whatever it takes, and don't feel guilty, we all need a break. And make dh take the kids at times, he is choosing to do the overtime but still has to be a parent. Won't matter if it takes an extra few years to pay off the mortgage, you need to survive now

YANBU at all. Those are challenging ages, the whinging just does your head in, doesn't it? And Dh who does not seem to understand how tough it is does not help either. It will get better and nothing wrong with wanting a break.

Only child starting tomorrow.

I hate being at home with him, would rather be out at the park as at least that is fun.

Tomorrow all changes, school starts and our whole family life changes.

Oh god yes, mine drive me crazy - it’s constant isn’t it?

You’ve got to get more balance. I’ve been working on this with my oh for years now and we’ve finally cracked it. He has to work less / change his priorities.

We don’t have much money right now, but can do more / earn more when they’re a bit older. You’ve got to make it work right now, not in 10 years time. You both need balance. It’s so much easier when your not doing it all, you’ll be more competent, happier and probably even enjoy it.

I feel you and even though I'm beyond that stage now I remember the relentless groundhog day crap of it all like it's never going to end.

My advice to you is a combination of two pp's thoughts: set boundaries at work and organise both your time with your kids and, crucially, your time without them.

I know it seems counter intuitive to stack up yet more mental load but it honestly works. Spend half an hour thinking about how you can not do work on your non working days. Spend half an hour booking your kid into nursery on a non working day. Spend another half an hour PROPERLY PLANNING your resultant free day. Cinema, free local concert, walk in a nature reserve, whatever, just so you don't waste that precious time you've carved out watching daytime TV.

Do this once a month. Make yourself do it. That hour and a half that you've devoted to planning is much better spent than yet again getting stressed about how hungry the kids are or refereeing fights about who gets to ice the next crappy fucking cupcake. And when you do have to give your time to such matters again, even if only hours later, you'll be refreshed and able to do so, and how much better will that feel? How much more manageable will your day be, if you're not coming at it from a stance of physical and mental exhaustion. That time is an investment for you and your family. Do it.

Oh God, I LOATHED when people warned me against wishing the baby/toddler years away, I really struggled with the relentlesness of my kids at that age. My youngest two are 4 now and I wouldn't go back to those days for anything.

Every year is a little bit easier. Keep going, you'll get there, and don't feel guilty for a second!

My kids are all in their late teens now but I loathed the pre-school years. I wasn’t massively cut out to be a SAHM but the lack of local, affordable childcare gave me little choice. A workaholic husband (with a string whiff of martyrdom) was really the cherry on the cake.

Yes, small children are adorable and cuddly but they are also hard work. I was much happier when they were at school.

I had a well-intentioned friend tell me today to “make sure I enjoyed the early years “ of my kids. I almost cried. I love them but I honestly feel they have pretty much ruined my marriage, bank account, mental health and career. People dint realise ( I didn’t) how some people just aren’t cut out for being a Full time carer for children. And your husband is completely throwing you under the bus. My only saving grace is that my DH did loads of childcare so GOT IT. You’ve got a DH problem as well. Take heart,you are not alone and I still balk at the school gates because I know within 1 hr I’ll be stressed right out

I reckon every dog has its day. Like you, luckybe, I really struggled with the toddler years with all three of mine. Loved the newborn bit and everything up to about 15, months in, then it all went to pot. Three times! With each one, it got to a stage where I'd be like, this can't be right, there must be something wrong with them, there must be something wrong with me, where's the joy, what the fuck have I done etc. With the second and third that self doubting/self loathing phase was much shorter because I knew I just didn't have the skillset for that age group. I'm fine with five and upwards and loving being a mum of teens, so I think it's ok to say that some bits are, personally for me, harder than others and I've observed this in other people as well. Fuck appreciating everything that happens just because they're little - parenting is a long game and there are many opportunities to appreciate it on the way. But not doing so all the time doesn't mean that you've failed.

I feel you. And no they aren't hungry. I can almost guarantee it.
They eat all bloody day and just say it when they're bored!
I have a 3 and 1 year old and it's relentless.

Lucky thank you for saying that.

I dearly dearly love my two. But my career, bank account and my mental / physical health - are for the moment, a car crash

My marriage is ok, I think. But I know I could do better (as in dedication to it, I don’t mean someone better!) but I simply don’t have the mental capacity. I don’t have the energy for anything right now

But it frightens me that it could drop to the wayside and I categorically don’t want that. I love my husband dearly but everything is just so hard at the moment

Then I remember I had losses before these two dc’s and feel horrendously guilty for feeling like this

YANBU OP.

Wrote a long reply only for MN page to refresh 🙄

I remember feeling “touched out”.

Youngest DC has ASD so very limited interaction with older sibling. Just started school and I’m jumping with joy.

DH also couldn’t understand why am I turning into snappy harpy from hell after several hours of musical toys on repeat, countless enquiries from older DC, sink/cooker/washing machine excitement and ZERO time to myself when I’m not at anybody’s beck and call.

Going to work keeps me sane. Hot tea, can sit in the loo and eat in peace. Bliss.

It does get easier, I promise —survived 5 years with no childfree time—

Strike out fail.

No childminders in our village, friends mainly self employed and going away in school holiday time, one set of GP disinterested and the other physically not able to look after DC.

I love my kids dearly but everybody needs some downtime. Summer school holidays are very challenging for us.

YANBU. Being at home all day everyday with DD was relentless and going back to work a relief.

Have you spoken to your DH about your need for some time to yourself? Does he get time to himself?

Also, could you hand over to him a couple of nights a week when he gets in and head out to the gym? If you are not there to latch onto would the kids go to bed for their Dad?

I feel for you OP. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband where you lay out everything that needs to be done to keep your family running and who should be doing how much of each. So - his job, your job, childcare, housework, downtime (for both of you). I've had similar with my DH and really have to remind him that every time he agrees to work longer, takes that client call at 6.30, goes on a networking event, it requires me to do more 'work' (at home) as well, so he needs to take that into account. Practical suggestions:
Start a weekly class (yoga?) - ideally early evening so it gets you out of the house and allows him to do bedtime and the kids have no choice. He has to be home for you to do this, non negotiable.
Does your youngest nap still? If so, call the eldest watch a film during naptime to give you a bit of breathing room?
Schedule some 1-1 time with your husband - could a family member sit in once a month so you could go out - doesn't have to be expensive just a walk or bogof cinema to get you out of the drudgery of raising young kids.

From your subsequent posts it sounds like your husband is worried about the future and the "now" is irrelevant. If you take a step back, is that analysis reasonable? Is he putting an unbelievable and unacceptable amount of his energy into paying off debt because he feels he's going to be unable to on the near to medium future?

If he's concerns were realised and he was made redundant, could he find another job, could you fund the gap, would the children have to leave private school (assumption based on holiday length) would you have to sell your house, do you have 3/4/5 months of income in savings?

Your issues, feelings, emotions and absolutely everything else you feel is completely valid, important and critical to your success as a family, but please don't underestimate your husband in this. You may slave away at home all day providing for the children but if you stopped doing that would you still have all of life's essentials?

It's very hard, as a man to not sound critical of a mother who looks after her children, but as a man who feels he's sacrificed being with us children for his families financial security, I can't understate how hurtful it is to not have that recognised.

@tempnamechange98765
Two points

1. Why hasn't he had them by himself?
2. Have you ever left your kids every day to go to work and not see them for more than a few minutes? Work is a great break, but not every day of the week.

justbeingadad, yes, I said in my post I'm on maternity leave. I usually work four long days.

The baby is only 6 months, so whilst DH has had DC1 on his own numerous occasions, the weekends are generally spent as a family. If I wanted to bugger off all day, DH would be fine with that, but I actually enjoy spending time with him (and the kids) on the weekends.

YANBU. I have been exactly where you are OP, I git quite emotional reading your post and updates as they reminded me how fucking awful it was to not love spending time with them and then lump all that guilt on top of the shit time I was already having.

Mine are older now (8 and 10), it will be better once the big one starts school, and better again in another couple of years. Sorry to have no helpful advice, but do hang in there. If you can find a way to carve out some time for yourself do it. If DH works 10 days then has 4 off I would try totally absenting myself from the home next time he has a day off. Don't warn him, just get up and go out. Tell him you'll be back at 8 when everyone's in bed and don't come home till 9. He clearly has no idea what you're dealing who give him a taste of it.

*dealing with so give him a taste of it

I think I've been a little unfair on my husband. He is extremely hands on and if I am working and he has a day off he will whisk the kids away and take them out and keep them out from under my feet. He changes nappies, attempts to do as much as he possibly can do, will cook them dinner, make packed lunches but it's often if I'm not there to do it.

He grew up really really poor, and works in the same industry as his dad did. He's done extremely well and we are a lot more comfortable than other people our age but I think that concern of his kids going hungry - even though it's as far removed from possibility as could be - keeps him awake at night. I forgot to pay the water bill once and we got a reminder and he was convinced we would lose our house.

He is a lot better at living in "the now" than he was and we do get a lot of 1-2-1 time and go out at least once/ twice a month. I think yesterday just all got a bit much. I love being able to spend time with the kids but when it's relentless repeating and demanding for YouTube videos (in laws introduced these ) while I just need to use the loo, it all piled on.

I feel bad that he'd rather be at home and his work is going well at the moment, so my outburst yesterday didn't help. But I definitely agree I don't need to keep my feelings to myself. I just need to be able to convey them calmly. I'm at home with both kids today and the weather is pants, I've also woken up sick as well. Wish me luck.

Thank everybody

Isn't going well*