Another Nursery Issue!

[Treacletoots]

So DD has been in the same nursery since 6 months old and she is now over 2.5. She's for the most part been really happy.

Until recently, when a new child has started in her group who appears to be bullying most of the children, which we've heard from other parents about their experiences. The child repeatedly bites, pushes or otherwise physically assaults the children.

We've asked twice now what is happening to prevent and we've been reassured they are taking steps but this keeps happening.

I've asked for a one to one meeting to formally discuss as we now feel it's a safeguarding issue and they've not bothered to respond with a date. I asked what days the child is in so we can move around our childcare to avoid him being in the same days but they won't even advise us this.

We've frankly lost faith in their ability to resolve the issue or take seriously our concerns.

I've enquired at another local nursery, and they have spaces for one day that we want to cover when we know the other child is in but not yet the full week.

Aibu to move DD over part time to a new nursery until they have spaces full time or will this upset or confuse her more than dealing with this child?

@timandra. Aha yes. The old trick of assuming you know why she swore at me. The simple fact was I wasn't driving fast enough for her out of the nursery car park and she shouted hurry the f up, some of us have a job

So yes. She's unpleasant and her child is pushing and biting mine. Excuse me if I don't sing her praises.

You had my sympathy until the 'Apple doesn't fall far from the tree' comment. You're talking about a 2 year old. Parenting is swings and roundabouts and I can guarantee that one day your daughter will do something that you would have previously thought she would never have done. You will hope that other people will be more understanding.

A 2 year old is not a bully.

Where the nursery are failing in their duty is towards said 2 year old - there is no way that you should know it’s the same child responsible for incidents, let alone which child it is specifically.

Excuse me if I don't sing her praises.

It's not what you said about her that's the issue.

Your very unpleasant comment about the child, added to the fact that you've branded him a bully paints a very clear picture of you.

Ofsted won’t be interested
As long as the nursery is following their own procedure
If you are not happy then go elsewhere

The exact same thing happened to us.
My ds who loved school suddenly didnt want to go. He eventually told me a boy hit him. Before I knew who it was I saw that child push another little girl down.
So when he told me I went in a spoke to the head. I'm not really sure what they did but my ds was ok within a few weeks again. They dealt with it very well. The kids were around 2/3.

This post saddens me. How can you actually speak about a toddler in this way? Lucky you having a perfect toddler who has never hurt another child.
Just so you know, I work in childcare, I have been around lots of kids in a 1:1 environment, kids bite!! It is a fact. It'll have nothing to do with 'the apple falling from the tree'
Just be thankful that your child is not the biter because I can assure you the parents will be so embarrassed about this.
Also I really don't like your comment about the child probably having to move nursery or has been at home for his life so doesn't know how to play with others. Studies have shown that children don't need nursery to gain social skills, there are plenty of opportunities for children to learn social skills, including how to share toys and communicate. Please don't be so judgemental. By all means move your child, but don't be surprised if similar issues happen at the next nursery. Sadly children bite and hit because they are small and are learning how to Express their emotions. The nursery staff try really hard to manage this but you can't follow them 24/7.

My child is probably called a bully He's 3 and just started Nursery. His dad was abusive to me (we finally got away 3 months ago) then he had to have surgery on his penis due to hypospadias. Yes the most sensitive part of his body, there was complications and he suffered trauma afterwards with the catheter.. He screamed like a child being tortured, I have never heard a sound like it. He didn't wee for 2 days and then weed blood whilst howling on the shower floor. He has been through hell. His behaviour has been deeply affected by it all. He also will NOT toilet train due stress/trauma, and I get some awful comments about the fact he is in pull ups, and in a buggy (I am not going to make him walk 2 miles to school and back whilst he recovers).

Me, and all his carers are doing absolutely everything we can and if he hits/bites/snatches off another child I feel so guilty it makes me want to cry.

If he over hears someone calling him a 'bully' that's yet another thing that he has to deal with.

Describing a three-year-old as a bully is pretty unpleasant.

I moved both of mine for precisely this reason.

They went to a lovely childminder.

18months later they moved again to a preschool nursery - also lovely.

Other parents at the time kept their kids there. God knows why! you only get one childhood. Let them enjoy it!

I work In childcare and these things happen it's normal toddler behavior, they are babies and Learning to regulate their emotions as well as learning of the big wide world. The nursery will be following policies and procedures and shadowing the child.

For 1 I'm absolutely disgusted to hear a fellow parent brand a toddler a bully, these children are babies!
And 2 your comment about the apple falling far from the tree... You're own behavior on this thread speaks alot about your own character. You may be upset dealing with the whole situation but you're the one name-calling and making unpleasant remarks. Maybe reflect on your own behavior, and teach love, understanding and kindness to your little one. I'm sure the problem will be resolved the other child is clearly going through a difficult time, as a parent I'm sure you too have battled difficult phases

Valanice Would you rather she described him as a little sh*t?! Because that's how his behaviour is at the minute (whatever the reasons behind it)

End result is the same. OP. Look after your own child. Let others deal with theirs.

Honestly, I would give it some time. It's quite unprofessional of the nursery staff to have told you what child it is and what days they are in - so that in itself is actually the most worrying bit. It's really none of your business.

But I think these things do happen. My eldest was bitten, scratched, knocked over loads in nursery. It is just one of those things. It was often by one of her best friends actually. The nursery should be working with the other parent and communicating with them about how they are addressing it there and how they would like to address it at home. When it happened with us, they showed us the materials they send home with the other parents, but that was it. Beyond that, the nursery will not discuss their intervention with another child with you. At 2.5, your dd will certainly still go through these phases - it does not magically end at 2. IF she is otherwise happy and settled at this nursery, no, I wouldn't move her. I would give it more time and continue to push for open communication (but also understand that they shouldn't tell you anything about the other child or their family).

My main concern would be the nursery not responded to your request for an interview. But yes a lot of children go through a biting stage and there will always be one in a nursery.

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree IMHO.
What a nasty thing to say about a toddler!

Actually @MyDcAreMarvel it’s pretty accurate 3 year olds are tiny sponges and learnt behaviour is very common, could be a case of monkey see monkey do. It’s a very clumsy way of saying it but pretty accurate for most small children, they do emulate and learn from their home environment. And if mum is swearing at others in the car pram then it’s very possible he’s learning this behaviour somewhere.

However, it’s could also very well be not for this reason of course. Impossible to say really.

Thanks for everyone's help with this. I've got the answer I needed and appreciate the alternative viewpoints.

For those who wish to berate me for poor choice of language in what is a distressing situation, please carry on, I'll be checking out now. I'm sure you've never said / done anything less than perfect.

*or 1 I'm absolutely disgusted to hear a fellow parent brand a toddler a bully, these children are babies!
And 2 your comment about the apple falling far from the tree... You're own behavior on this thread speaks alot about your own character. *

1. Technically a 3 year old isn't a baby.
2. Regardless of what the OP's character may or may not be, doesn't mean the child in question isn't attacking other kids. The two things are not correlated.

Or are you saying it's ok for OP's daughter to be bitten by the other child because OP said something not very nice about them?

As everyone is saying a 3 year old cannot be a bully, please can someone give me an age where you can formally identify someone as being a bully or not?

Jeez @MouseInATelescope ~ I hope you and your wee boy are ok and I wish you all the luck in the world.

That must have been the most awful thing for him to go through and you to hear.

A child is not a bully until the are old enough to have developed empathy and understand how emotions and kindness work the child in question is not old enough to possess these skills.

I never said its on for ops child to be hurt, I'm basically saying the nursery will be following policies and procedures and the behaviour exhibitited is normal developmental behaviour when children are trying to assert themselves or communicate.
Op knows nothing of the child's home life and is basically blaming the parents. The mum is not at nursery to correct this behaviour she is probably mortified.

And they are babies no ones where the child in question is at developmental wise, if people aren't development and behaviour experts, or trained to know development of children like the back of their hand then they should research before insulting. It's not like op said the child is chasing people round with knives and scissors and I'm worried that it's not normal developmental behaviour

I disagree with most people here-yes many kids bite, hit others etc but this child is behaving abnormally and is anti social as they are doing it repeatedly. Why shouldn’t the OP be upset and annoyed?

Tbh I wouldn’t give a monkeys about this horrific sounding kid..I would want to focus on protecting my child..after all, the nursery aren’t. If you’re paying for nursery and your child is getting attacked and they aren’t putting a stop to this any time soon they’re not doing their job.

Perhaps the child’s parents should be given an ultimatum and if things don’t change, expelled. I agree the mother sounds pretty unpleasant - I was going to say confront the mother but you might get a punch on the nose. 🙈

Love the outrage on MN-perhaps people live in bubbles but we’ve come across some awful pre-school-aged children out and about. They pick this type of behaviour up at home very quickly. I knew a pre-schooler expelled from his nursery who gave a little girl a black eye. Yes it is the parents’ fault but you don’t have to like any of this or put up with it.

By the way I tell my daughter to shout GO AWAY and if necessary hit back if telling the teacher doesn’t work.

*no one knows where . Not no one's where

@Siameasy Agree with you. People are so quick to make excuses and sympathetic noises for the kid in question, not a second's thought for the actual victim of the biting etc.
What I'd want to know, as a parent is, what is being done to protect my son/daughter. Knowing how little Tommy's still a baby and doesn't know what he's doing doesn't help my child from being bitten does it.

OP has poorly judged her language in places but I think it's partly understandable given that it's a stressful situation. Having said that I'm in agreement that a 3 year old can't be a bully (in that lashing out is probably as a result of stress rather than a calculated campaign of malicious and intimidating behaviour).

However, if my 2 year old was being physically hurt at nursery like this I know I would be upset about it. My priority would be my DD's safety and comfort. I'm afraid that examining the reasons behind the other toddler's behaviour wouldn't be top of my list; I'd just want to know what steps nursery were planning to put in place to protect all the children from being hurt by someone else.

Things happen as a one off between young children, I think we all probably accept that. But if there's an ongoing problem with one child hurting others then it needs to be addressed and parents need to reassured that it is being handled.