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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not bothered with my son

50 replies

CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 09:02

Quite new to MN, posted before but just wanted some advice really.

My son is approaching 5 months old, my first. My sister moved to the same town as me over a year ago, we live about 10 minute walk from each other but I have only seen her twice. She didn't really make much effort when i was pregnant, was asking me to make the trip to hers 30+ weeks. When I gave birth she was away with her partner, she said she would call me that day at some point and didnt bother. She came home a week later and still didn't message me. I was quite annoyed to be honest because my friends/partners family were such a big help and checking in constantly but she just wasn't fazed.

So I messaged her, asking why she hasn't bothered and she kicked off at me saying she was bogged under at work and she needs to prioritise her job due to new house etc. So I left it another few weeks see if she would come round and once again when I messaged she done the same thing, shouting at me asking why I haven't bothered to go round to hers?

So, that was obviously 5 months ago and we haven't spoken since, she hasn't bothered to reach out, I tried twice and she shut me down. I don't have much to do with my family, mother is a narcissist so I cut her off and haven't had a relationship with my dad or his side since I was a child.

So I think what I'm trying to say is, personally I have no interest in trying to rebuild a relationship with her, lots has happened before also but am I doing right by my son? Should I be trying for his benefit?

OP posts:
AmIThough · 10/09/2019 09:05

If she's not interested your son isn't missing out.

pikapikachu · 10/09/2019 09:08

Why would you want someone in your son's life who's not interested in him? Stop chasing your sister and expecting her to be like your friends and partner's family.

Idontwanttotalk · 10/09/2019 09:11

She probably has issues herself that need dealing with if your mum is a narcissist.

Not all children have aunts and uncles on both sides of their families so, in the event that you remain NC, don't worry too much about it.

However, now that your son is 5 months old, can you not go to visit her instead and see if you can develop a better relationship? If you decide against it then you may feel better knowing you made every effort.

Have you considered she may be suffering with depression?

TabbyMumz · 10/09/2019 09:11

Your Son doesn't need her and she's not bothered about you or your child, why should you be bothered with her?

Outlookmainlyfair · 10/09/2019 09:19

Give her space. It sounds like a clash of expectations. Narc mum so I can see why you would like the family particularly as you gave a new born (congratulations). For her the emotions may be complicated, primed to expect difficult family relationships and maybe stressed at work. She may not understand eggs you are going through and by asking her she attacks as a defence mechanism.

GiveMeHope103 · 10/09/2019 09:19

Yanbu but there isnt much you can do. It seems like your family has difficult dynamics so you expecting the normal caring sister is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Butchyrestingface · 10/09/2019 09:23

My sister moved to the same town as me over a year ago, we live about 10 minute walk from each other but I have only seen her twice

Your sister isn't interested in you, by the sounds of things. Why would she be interested in your child?

That sounds harsh, but I think you need to be realistic about this. Lots of people who otherwise have close, loving relationships with their family aren't that interested in five month old babies, but it doesn't sound as if you and your sister have a close relationship to begin with. Did this bother you before, or are you only feeling it now that your son has arrived?

Boom45 · 10/09/2019 09:27

I have friends who just aren't interested in children (mine or their own nephews and neices) and I think that's fine to be honest. She doesn't have to be interested in him for you to have a relationship with her. But you don't have to have a relationship with your sister if you don't want to either.

hittheroadjack1 · 10/09/2019 09:31

Don't bother with her.

I'm NC with my sister and low contact with my brother.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 10/09/2019 09:39

What do you think your Son will gain from her?

WhatsMyPassword · 10/09/2019 09:44

If you haven’t got a close relationship, why are you expecting/demanding she take a familial interest in your son. That simply isn’t the dynamics in some families.

I'm going to point out the obvious here - it’s YOU that doesn’t have a relationship with your family - you say it’s your mother (narcissist) and father (absent) and your sister really doesn’t want anything to do with you - can’t you see that YOU are the common denominator here.

Plus one of my pet peeves, this online diagnose of ‘narcissist’ for anyone who isn’t slavishly bowing to the A N Other Persons wants/desire/needs. It’s quite rare. It affects young men in the main not middle aged women
www.nhs.uk/conditions/personality-disorder/
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/#narcissistic

mylifenow27 · 10/09/2019 09:45

I'm in the same boat my children don't even no who my brother or mum are. I haven't fallen out with them but they mum have with me.

I stopped trying a long time ago. When my last little one was born it was a little heart breaking as my partners family are amazing but it is easier than them picking and dropping the children like puppets like they used to with my eldest.

Try make peace with your self about it as hard as it is. Your little one isn't missing out on something they never had xx

EdnaAdaSmith · 10/09/2019 09:49

I think possibly it's you she isn't interested in, not so much your son. Your son hasn't created additional interest for her...

Just leave it, it doesn't sound as though you were close before. Presumably she didn't move to be near you, simply moved back to your hometown where you still live or something? It would be weird if she'd moved specifically to be near you and then ignored you.

Just don't do anything, leave the ball in her court.

TheMustressMhor · 10/09/2019 09:53

I am one of four sisters.

Three of us have DC. The other one hasn't, and has always said she doesn't want any.

She is not interested in any of our DC. She never has been and it doesn't bother me.

Some people just aren't interested in us, OP.

ListenLinda · 10/09/2019 09:57

Ah OP, I do kind of know how you feel. My SIL doesn’t bother with mine or other SIL children. It bothers us all but what can you do?
Outing here, but we were at her wedding at the weekend and she paid no attention to her nieces and nephew, but was OTT with her friends kids. Me DH and SIL agreed that she should be like that with her family too but it will be her that misses out.
All I can say if she comes around when they’re older she will be in for a surprise. It’s sad but you can’t force it.

Original poster
CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 09:59

To be honest I personally don't want to want to build bridges because she shares a lot of the same traits as my mum, can be quite manipulative. Think I just feel bad for my boy because my family are dysfunctional. She has also been putting on her social media pictures of her friends children "my absolute world" etc of which I find quite bizarre but not sure if it's a subtle dig. I'm quite an emotional person I think I just take things to heart too much and rack my brains as to why some people do the things they do, especially family. I also have cPTSD and when I addressed the fact she hadn't made any effort she went on to say I was having an 'episode'. Or thinks that whenever I've addressed things to her in the past I'm having some sort of 'mental breakdown'.

I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing, just wanted some reassurance! Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 10:02

It is sad PP, they say blood is thicker than water but I don't find much truth in that. She does want children when we last had a normal conversation she was talking of ttc. The rational me knows I'm doing the right thing, the child in me still feels sad about how things have turned out just with all my family. Natural I suppose!

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 10/09/2019 10:02

Your sister’s life does not revolve around your child. I’m not interested in other people’s children, so when my brother had kids, I expressed polite good wishes but didn’t have much involvement.

Original poster
CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 10:04

PP, of which I understand, I don't expect her life to revolve around him. But, not seeing him and not messaging is a different thing. I don't expect her to go out of her way, but it is different when she is investing time in other peoples children

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 10/09/2019 10:06

You need to detach. Whilst her actions have such an effect on you, you won’t ever get over it. Tbh I think she has done you a favour. I wouldn’t want anyone, family or not, to have contact with me or my child, if they are as she is.

Original poster
CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 10:07

Yeah you're right. Thank you

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 10/09/2019 10:08

The world doesn’t revolve around you when you have a baby. So if you want a relationship with your sister go see her! It’s not just her; it’s you too.

Kiwiinkits · 10/09/2019 10:12

Oh sorry, didn’t RTFT. I see you’ve said you don’t want to build bridges.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 10:15

If she said she is TTC last time you saw her, maybe she is struggling with it and finding it hard to cope with you having a baby? Since its close to home for her, maybe she finds it more difficult than with her friends children as they are not family.

Do you want a relationship with her, outside of your son? She does sound a bit manipulative if she is accusing you of having an episode or breakdown every time you speak about anything emotional - it means you can't then tell her how you're feeling without being accused of this, and minimises your PTSD. It's also nasty to scream at you when she has had a baby, irrespective of how she feels about it.

I think for now accept she is not adding to your son's life and she doesnt want a relationship with him. If you want to keep the door open for a relationship with her in the future I'd just text her occasionally keeping it light eg hope the new jobs going well.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 10:15

Leave her be. She's obviously not interested in you or your child. Focus on the people who do love your baby and consider them your family. Your child isn't missing out. We are NC with sil. My youngest doesn't even know she or her kids exist.

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