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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister not bothered with my son

50 replies

CourtneyB123 · 10/09/2019 09:02

Quite new to MN, posted before but just wanted some advice really.

My son is approaching 5 months old, my first. My sister moved to the same town as me over a year ago, we live about 10 minute walk from each other but I have only seen her twice. She didn't really make much effort when i was pregnant, was asking me to make the trip to hers 30+ weeks. When I gave birth she was away with her partner, she said she would call me that day at some point and didnt bother. She came home a week later and still didn't message me. I was quite annoyed to be honest because my friends/partners family were such a big help and checking in constantly but she just wasn't fazed.

So I messaged her, asking why she hasn't bothered and she kicked off at me saying she was bogged under at work and she needs to prioritise her job due to new house etc. So I left it another few weeks see if she would come round and once again when I messaged she done the same thing, shouting at me asking why I haven't bothered to go round to hers?

So, that was obviously 5 months ago and we haven't spoken since, she hasn't bothered to reach out, I tried twice and she shut me down. I don't have much to do with my family, mother is a narcissist so I cut her off and haven't had a relationship with my dad or his side since I was a child.

So I think what I'm trying to say is, personally I have no interest in trying to rebuild a relationship with her, lots has happened before also but am I doing right by my son? Should I be trying for his benefit?

OP posts:

InterestingView · 10/09/2019 10:15

OP delete her off all your social media etc you dont need to see that shit. She sounds like she is jealous - maybe she did TTC and couldn't? (or even if she didnt) she still sounds jealous. She just doesn't sound like shes that fussed on you which I think you have to accept and move on - but it will drag you down if you see that shit on social media. Get rid of that bit definitely and enjoy life.

SuzyJayne · 10/09/2019 10:16

That is quite sad. Do you think she could be jealous. Maybe try go round and ask her if you two could talk. She's really missing out on being an Aunt. If after that she's not interested then don't bother. You have tried. Good luck x

Herocomplex · 10/09/2019 10:18

WhatsMyPassword you’re right, a diagnosis of NPD is very unusual. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t lots of narcissists around!
Young men will be more likely to get a diagnosis as they come into the criminal justice system more often, and get assessed if there’s been violence.
It’s also a fairly rare diagnosis as there’s very little that can be done without extensive and expert intervention.

I agree it’s bandied about, families fall out, behave badly etc. But for a few people it’s an incredible moment of realisation that their relationship isn’t normal and won’t ever be and that they’d be better off if they understood why.

FrenchJunebug · 10/09/2019 10:20

YABVU just because you've had a child, other people's life, even your sister's, doesn't revolve around you!

Aprillygirl · 10/09/2019 10:21

OP I really feel for you and I think it's lovely that you want to fix things for the sake of your son but you really can't force this. You've done all you can and now's the time to accept that, for whatever reason, she's just not interested in you or your son and get on with your life.

bonitakitlee · 10/09/2019 12:52

Have a read of my post yesterday, it may help to know someone is going through the same thing, it is such a struggle and I dont have any good advice, but am sure lots of others on here will help.

Goodlookingcreature · 10/09/2019 12:55

Other people’s kids are interesting. She’s not wrong to prioritize things in her life that are more important to her. You have no idea if she’s going through infertility issues or if she may have lost a pregnancy or just finds it difficult being around babies. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your child.

Oulidae · 10/09/2019 13:03

It's pretty clear your sister has very little time for you for whatever reason, that isn't going to chance just because you've got a kid now. Focus your energies on those that you do have a good relationship with.

LolaSmiles · 10/09/2019 13:04

I understand how you feel, but if you weren't close before then I'm not sure why the dynamic would suddenly change with a new baby.

Maybe she's busy at work, maybe she's TTC and has fertility issues that she's not shared with you as you're not close and it's a bit much for her right now.

If you're not bothered about contact then just continue living your life. If you want to then maybe suggest a coffee date somewhere neutral when he's 6 months.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 10/09/2019 13:07

Some people aren’t that interested in other people’s children - if I’m really honest I’m not. Love my own but really not fussed about going to see other people’s, and before I had my own I was even less interested! She has her own life and you have yours, if you can get on it’s nice but if you can’t then oh well. No child ever suffered for lack of an aunt.

Yabbers · 10/09/2019 13:09

Neither of DDs uncles make any effort with her. None of us are bothered.

imnotinthemood · 10/09/2019 13:16

It's a bit like me and my dB , I've not hardly heard from him and not seen him in 2 years . I've made the effort but he's declined every invite like Special occasions . I like you decided to message and ask why , he didn't like it and now does not speak at all but no different than before it's just official now . I also have children so he doesn't even make contact with them . It's a shame yes but he's selfish like your ds and they want to do what they want to do.
I know what you mean my dh family are great and find it odd that I don't speak to my family but that's because none of them are self obsessed unlike mine .

HappyParent2000 · 10/09/2019 13:20

My wife is really close to her cousin, she lives about 15 mins walk away but we only see them at family gatherings, so about 3-5 times a year.

We all have busy lives to get on with so 10 mins or 10 hours apart, we probably would see each other the same frequency.

NearlyGranny · 10/09/2019 13:30

I'd wonder if she and her partner had infertility issues except for the fb posts about her friends' babies.

How odd. I hope she doesn't expect you to be fussing over her if she has a baby!

Why not pm her a photo of the back of baby's head and invite her to pop over and see what she's missing?

If that doesn't work, give up!

Sciurus83 · 10/09/2019 13:34

Sounds like the narc apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Honestly not messaging your sister when she had a baby or going to see your baby nephew and then shouting about her work, she should be ashamed, but she won't be and you know this because you've seen it before. I'm sorry you are having to go through this again, but LC is going to be better for you and your son by the sounds of it.

NoWayNoHow · 10/09/2019 13:34

mother is a narcissist so I cut her off

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree where your sister is concerned, OP,.

NoWayNoHow · 10/09/2019 13:34

@Sciurus83 great minds

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/09/2019 14:07

If she's ttc, the fact that her sister has beaten her to it may be really hurting. It's tough on you, but I bet that's her reason. Back off for a bit, hope that she has her own baby, and see how things pan out. Just because things aren't great now doesn't mean that's how they'll always be.

Goodlookingcreature · 10/09/2019 14:33

Don’t think it’s fair to label her as a narcissist because she has no interest in someone else’s child. If anything the op sounds narcissistic

dillusionaldog · 10/09/2019 14:47

when pregnant a family member of mine was TTC and having problems and took it out on me. She did not bond with my DDs and was openly mean throughout pregnancy and afterwards. When her own sister had a baby 12 months later she was fine with it and appears a very loving auntie. So perhaps its just you/your son she finds it difficult to have a relationship with (and not her friends children).

i dont think it really needs to be no contact though. why dont you just delete her off your social media and get on with your life. if/when she chooses to text then great, go for a coffee. then put her back in her box and forget about her. that way she isnt hurting you but the door is open if she ever wises up.

Marinetta · 10/09/2019 14:59

My 5 month old has only met my sister twice and I have no plans for them to ever meet again. If you don't like your sister don't force your son to be around her. He will probably feel the tension between you and be uncomfortable/ act up. As he gets older her may even pick up negative behaviours from your sister and you may find you have a difficult child on your hands. From what you have said I don't really see any benefit to you son from having a relationship with your sister.

Hmmmbop · 10/09/2019 15:16

You just have to accept it. We don't get birthday cards, let alone Christmas or birthday presents of DHs sister for our 2 kids. She didn't meet DD until she was 6 months old, and that was at another family event, she just doesn't care. We aren't chasing her though.

RedPanda2 · 10/09/2019 19:37

I adore my sisters but can take or leave their children. They have lots of family around them so I don't feel bad about it. I see them a handful of times a year, get them birthday, Xmas presents but I don't have the tolerance or time to see them.
If you don't have a good relationship with your sister it's best not to force it.

meyouandlulutoo · 10/09/2019 20:14

You don't even need to delete her from social media, just unfollow her and then her posts won't appear on your newsfeeds. I have done this with a couple of my relatives, I haven't fallen out with them I just get fed up of having their political beliefs constantly in my face!

To be honest, she sounds quite hard, unfriendly, and combative, not a good example for your little son. You have other support networks who sound lovely, you don't need her.

Sceptre86 · 10/09/2019 21:00

She isn't interested in you much less your child. Let it go and focus on your own family, unfortunately she is not a part of it but that is her choice!

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