To feel guilty for not being at work? **Poss triggering**

[DrowningNotWaving1]

Name changed for this.
I have been off work for 7 months with severe depression and PTSD, which was triggered by a sexual assault by a stranger and the sudden death of my brother. I have been hospitalised twice in this time and am under the care of an excellent psychiatrist and GP. I have therapy once a week and am medicated up to my eyeballs.
Work have been fantastic and very supportive and they have a long term temp in place to cover my role but some of my friends keep making comments about how ‘it’s not healthy to be sitting around all day’ and ‘it’s time you pull yourself together and get back into a normal routine.’ One even said it’s time for me and my family get over my brother’s death and to move on.
I would desperately love to be back at work but without wanting to sound too dramatic, some days it is a battle to actually keep going. I have frequent suicidal ideation and on particularly bad days I cannot get out of bed. Keeping myself safe on a daily basis so that I don’t harm myself has been a challenge.
My psychiatrist has said I am too unwell to be back at work and that it will take some time for me to get better but I feel increasingly anxious due to the views of those around me. I’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time (bipolar type 2) and been on ADs for years but I have always managed to function. This episode however has completely floored me.
AIBU to feel bad for having so much time off work? Would also be good to hear from anyone who has been through similar.

Yanbu to take the time you need to recover. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Some recoveries take longer than others.

I have no personal experience but I'm currently supporting someone who is going through some mental health issues. I don't care if they never work again, as long as they are stable and happy. Some normality helps but you have to be ready for that.

Your friends are quite frankly assholes for not giving you the support you need.

You need to stop spending time with those people! Your psychiatrist is telling you that you are not well enough to return which you know to and your work are being great, its the people making comments who are being dicks. Being blunt, if you were off for 7 months grieving for DB that would be a lot but it isn't just that is it, it's a combination of mental health issues and your assault. You've had a huge amount to deal with and need time to look after yourself. Someone telling you to pull yourself together and considering your time off solely as something relating to your DB is awful, insensitive and unhelpful. DH has had long periods of absence for various things and his work were not supportive. Initially he clearly needed it but there did come a point where he was getting better but possibly dragging out his sick leave a bit to sit on the sofa and watch TV. There was a clear turning point where it changed though and you're no where near that yet

I'm so sorry you went through those awful experiences, and my condolences for loosing your brother. There is still a huge misunderstanding about mental health, people finding it very difficult to empathise with the debilitating effects it has. If you'd had an accident causing major physical damage which you were rehabilitating from I doubt very much they'd be saying the same thing. The damage is just as extensive - but isn't visible.

From their perspective they probably think that routine and distraction is "just what you need to snap out of it" but just don't get that this is not just a case of a low mood.

Of course you aren't unreasonable for being away from work. You need to do what is required to recover to a level when returning to work would be a positive step rather than causing your mental health to go into decline or hindering your recovery.

I really sympathise - I had a bout of PTSD after a major health event last year and it was not fun.

Listen to your doctors (who know the full details of your circumstances/diagnosis and are suitably qualified/experienced to help you through this) and not the views of other ill-informed individuals, whom I'm guessing are neither qualified nor in full possession of all the facts.
Whilst it might be true for those with a cold (for example) that it can make you feel better to be up and about, your situation is somewhat different (putting it mildly).
Keep yourself safe and listen to the actual experts.
Wishing you well for you're recovery x

Ignore these uninformed and toxic people who are clearly lacking in empathy and compassion.

I'm sorry you have been through so much, and a relief that you seem to have excellent treatment you are comfortable with.

Recovery is not a race. One step at a time, at your own pace.

MH professionals don't tend to encourage people to be out of their usual routines unless they need to be. If your psychiatrist is saying you are too unwell to work currently, that is overwhelmingly likely to be the case. Some people feel very uncomfortable around MH or indeed any kind of illness/condition they can't 'see' and categorise, and it is a typical, if deplorable, human behaviour to dismiss what one feels uncomfortable about. You don't owe them an explanation, either, if you don't feel up to it. IIWY I would just say your psychiatrist says you need to be off work and you'll let them know when that changes. Stop responding to them if they don't stop.

YANBU for feeling bad for taking so much time off. But you are being U if you think you should go back before you are ready.

It's a positive thing that you are thinking of others, look at it that way. I wish you strength to get through this.

You are being unreasonable to feel bad about it! Don't be hard on yourself, you've had a traumatic time and that'll take it out of anyone. If the professionals are saying you're not ready, listen. If your friends are making those comments, especially the get over your brothers death, they are not nice people, grief doesn't have a time limit.

Keep fighting and you'll get there when you get there.

People are gobshites. There was a post on here a little while ago about colleagues judging a woman who had a long absence due to cancer treatment.

Your doctor has said you're too sick to work, therefore you're too sick to work. Mental health problems, cancer, broken toe, whatever.

to you. I find bereavement shit enough without all the other crap you're dealing with.

Don't feel guilty.

My love, people can be just really crap with mental health issues.

I wouldn't be surprised if these people genuinely care, they just don't know what they're on about. Are you home alone all day every day? Maybe one thinks you'd feel better to get out a bit, but something more achievable right now might be a 10 minute walk once a week- not returning to work!

When I was going through treatment for my MH, I had some time off work and my nurse gave me some brilliant advice- 'first you need to get better, then you need to practise being better, then you go back to work'. So even once you feel better you actually need to spend some time practising living life whilst maintaining being better, before you put the additional pressure of work and responsibilities and routines back on.

Stay strong op, sounds like you're doing brilliantly to me!

‘it’s not healthy to be sitting around all day’ and ‘it’s time you pull yourself together and get back into a normal routine.’ One even said it’s time for me and my family get over my brother’s death and to move on.

Easy for so called friends to say. Just because characters on tv get over assaults and bereavement in the next episode of a soap does not mean it happens in real life.

If you don't spend the time to grieve for your brother and take time out for what happened to you, then further down the line it will rear it's ugly head and be harder to deal with.

A professional, a doctor has presumably signed you off work. They don't do that on a whim!

My god. Who are these idiot people??
You should absolutely not be even considering going back to work.
Your mental health and recovery are fragile and you need time. You’ll go back to work when you feel ready.
I’m glad you’re getting help.
I’m very sorry for your loss
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a sexual assault on top of everything else
I think some people mean well but just pull out platitudes when they don’t know what else to say.
Sending you strength .

Is there a support group where you can meet fellow abused women at all it may be helpful? A local womens centre?

I had two years away from work, have been back in for 5 years now and am doing well, but I am a completely different person than I was before.
Take all the time you need, work sound like they are being amazing...well done you for keeping going.
It is intensely brave just to get out of bed and get dressed in same days, please remember this! xx

Yanbu these people are not your friends. I bet they havent even experienced something like this. Why would their advice be more correct over a professional psychiatrist? Doing listen to them, they are going to hinder your recovery. Be kind to yourself op

It sounds as though you are not well enough to be in work. It happens. Your work sound like they are taking the right approach so please don't worry.

You may benefit from setting yourself targets for the day to give you something to achieve. These targets need to be small to start with - it could be something like having a shower & getting dressed before 10.00 or going to the shop to get a paper/milk by lunchtime but discuss this with your doctors first. Routine can be helpful but not if not managing to keep the routine is damaging to your mental health..

Don't try & overstretch yourself - you don't need set backs! Take it one day at a time & keep going.

Take the time you need and do what feels right for you.

That said, I do feel you need to see a Psychologist alongside medical treatment. Although it's extremely difficult,we do know that getting active and getting back involved with life, work where feasible, and daily activities really helps mental health and to reduce symptoms. Sitting doing nothing, as we often feel we need to, can make matters a lot worse as there is time to ruminate, beat ourselves up and contemplate awful things.

Perhaps your friends and family haven't said it in the best way, but maybe they are wanting to help you by suggesting you try and get involved in things.

A daily planner and scheduling in a few things (starting small and building up) can be really beneficial.

A CBT focussed clinical psychologist might be just the kind of person who could help you start to recover.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a shit time OP.

When it comes to grief and mental health, nobody else has a clue what's going on in your head. Perhaps your friends are well meaning, or perhaps they're being twats. It's hard to say without being there when they say these things. Either way, I would ignore any of their "advice" about moving on and going back to work. They have no idea what the best course of action is because they aren't your doctor.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if grief and mental health issues had an expiry date, and we could wake up one morning and say "oh, 6 months have passed, I'm totally fine now and no longer need support! Back to work I go! I feel great!".

Nobody enjoys grieving or feeling suicidal. You are unwell and you need to look after yourself in whatever way you can. You and your doctor are the best people to decide what you need to do to get better. It's nobody else's business, so please stop trying to justify yourself to these friends and just focus on your recovery. If you find their comments hard to deflect/ignore the it may be time to find some more supportive friends.

Ignore th big mouths who don't know what they're talking about and listen to your doctors. I'm so sorry for what you are suffering. How dare they presum to tell you how long your grief is valid.

My son has also been off work for 4 months with PTSD and severe depression/anxiety.
He just went back yesterday part time and is much better.
Doctors dont sign you off for nothing so dont feel guilty. Just take care of yourself first, the rest can come in time. Glad your work is fine, his has been great with his MH issues too.
What hasnt been so good are family who have implied he s lazy and I m treating him like a child (he s 31) so why wouldn't he get over it while he s being waited on and not having to lift a finger? Why cant he pull himself together?
It s been an isolating experience due to some family members who, I quote, "dont believe in that sort of thing"....yeah that s why I dont bother to tell them about my own MH issues.
OP, ignore these people and recover in your own time.
Sorry for your loss of your db

I've been off work for a year and 7 days. I won't be going back to my job, when I do go back to work it will with fewer hours and in a role where I have to concentrate less.

I think your friends have no experience of this sort of mental health issue. If this was low mood their advice may help, for severe depression it's harmful.

Do what you need to get well, the time scale doesn't matter as long as you're getting support.

I think your username says it. You’re struggling to get through the day, let alone to move on back to work. Work is at the other end of your health road, right now you’re at the survive end, then as pp said you will come to the feeling ok before at some point hopefully be well enough to walk to the end of that road where work, and “normal life” is.

Hopefully you’ll be able to turn your name round to Wavingnotdrowning and then you’ll be ready. Not before. And that takes s long as it takes.

Unmumsnety hugs to you

Don’t listen to others . You get better properly .

Are these work friends? If so speak to HR and get them to have a word. If they are non work friends could you write them a letter saying what you have said here and that you could do with them supporting you instead of making unhelpful suggestions?
Sending you a huge hug.