To feel guilty for not being at work? **Poss triggering**

[DrowningNotWaving1]

Name changed for this.
I have been off work for 7 months with severe depression and PTSD, which was triggered by a sexual assault by a stranger and the sudden death of my brother. I have been hospitalised twice in this time and am under the care of an excellent psychiatrist and GP. I have therapy once a week and am medicated up to my eyeballs.
Work have been fantastic and very supportive and they have a long term temp in place to cover my role but some of my friends keep making comments about how ‘it’s not healthy to be sitting around all day’ and ‘it’s time you pull yourself together and get back into a normal routine.’ One even said it’s time for me and my family get over my brother’s death and to move on.
I would desperately love to be back at work but without wanting to sound too dramatic, some days it is a battle to actually keep going. I have frequent suicidal ideation and on particularly bad days I cannot get out of bed. Keeping myself safe on a daily basis so that I don’t harm myself has been a challenge.
My psychiatrist has said I am too unwell to be back at work and that it will take some time for me to get better but I feel increasingly anxious due to the views of those around me. I’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time (bipolar type 2) and been on ADs for years but I have always managed to function. This episode however has completely floored me.
AIBU to feel bad for having so much time off work? Would also be good to hear from anyone who has been through similar.

When you are ill you find out who your real friends are. Often, they turn out not to be the one's you thought you were really close to.

These 'friends' are having a sadly common reaction of getting a bit bored with your illness, finding it upsets them and just wanting you to go back the way you were so it doesn't bother them any more.

Real friends care about you

I have a relative who suffered a psychotic breakdown and was too ill to work. They wanted to return to work but weren't well enough. After 9 months off they did a phased return but after 6 weeks they found it too much. They had another 3 months off before starting another phased return and, again, at the 6 week point had a relapse. Sadly they haven"t been able to return.

Please don't have any contact with those who feel you should get back to work. So many people have no idea about what real depression is about. They think it's feeling low and think most people are depressed sometimes. In their ignorance they think they are being helpful and, for less serious depression, their advice might be acceptable. For the depth of your depression, there advice is ridiculous. You need to avoid these ignorant people, otherwise you will become more anxious and feel guilt and that won't help you.

You have been hospitalised twice and have suicide ideation. That is very serious. Please listen to your psychiatric team. When they think you are capable of working they will talk to you and help you to make a phased return.

Don't risk your healthy returning too soon.

Best wishes for a full recovery and a return to good mental health.

Honestly after I suffered trauma so many people seemed to think I should be looking for a job etc. I ignored them and continued with my therapy. I always shut the conversation down with “and when I’m well enough I will”.

Your mental health is much more important than any job.

I’m now in a really good place but it took 3 years of therapy to get me here and I am very grateful to be in the position I am.

I also don’t think people understand How draining therapy is and that in order to get better you relive those traumatic experiences and actually you feel worse for a while before you start to get better- or at least I did.

Take all the time you need

They are not your friends at all op, and I would think twice about keeping them in your life at all. How can they possibly say when it is the right time for you to work.

Stop talking to them, spend time with your real friends. Look after your health, and get back on an even keel. It takes as long as it takes, and you must not feel guilty. When you are ready, when your doctors agree, then you can go back to work and not a minute before.

Stop speaking to the people that do not truly care for you or have your back. You are in recovery, you are getting better and only need strong and loving people around you.

If anyone else says this I think the response would be " I will be guided on that by the medical experts, thanks."
People say rubbish all the time because they have not been there and hopefully never will.

As if your friends know better than your doctors.

That said, it’s hard to get out of depression when you’re not doing anything, so I’d find something to do at home to keep you occupied.

I’d also think through the scenario in which you’re never well enough to go back to work full time, and plan what you’d do in that case.

In times like the one you’re going through right now, you tend to find out who your real friends are. These people aren’t your friends.

Drowningnotwaving, you have no reason to feel guilty. I know you can't help how you feel but try and suspend the guilty feelings because they are not going to help you get better.

I hope you are well before too long.

YANBU. Take the time you need. Avoid these so-called friends and listen to the medical professionals. Don't feel guilty about work. It sounds like they're supporting you and it shows that they're fully prepared to give you all of the time you need by bringing in the long term temp to cover you. Surely they wouldn't have done this if they expected you to be back anytime soon. Your own well-being is more important than a job.

JEEZE, OP!

but some of my friends keep making comments about how ‘it’s not healthy to be sitting around all day’ and ‘it’s time you pull yourself together and get back into a normal routine.’ One even said it’s time for me and my family get over my brother’s death and to move on.

"Dear so-called friend. Thanks for making me feel worse about the terrible events I am managing. Here's my psychiatrist's phone number - why don;t you ring her & explain how her advice & knowledge mean nothing compared to your ignorant bullying?"

I am so sorry for what you have been through, @DrowningNotWaving1, & that some of your friends are being so unhelpful. However - your workplace clearly understands the gravity of your situation, as does your psychiatrist ... & you don't need to pay any mind to busybody know-alls who seem to think they can just boss you back to good health.
Take all the time you need.
xx

I'm approaching 4 months off work now for PTSD and anxiety relating to a traumatic episode in work. Unfortunately work are not being supportive. I haven't even told my friends I am off work as I fear the sort of judgement you have experienced. I can't really add much advise, but you're not alone.

Oh wow, so get back to work and boom! Cured! They haven't got a fucking clue. Ignore them, listen to your treatment providers, they're the experts. My eldest son has mental health issues and can't work currently. I've been told he needs a kick up the arse. I've told them to sod off.

well...yes...it probably would be better to be out and about connecting with people and making all those small daily achievements that help to defend against depression....BUT the same could be said for anyone stuck in hospital in the throes of chemotherapy etc. If you are too ill to start to re-engage with work etc, then you are too ill.

You need to be guided by your therapist about the best path to recovery. But be guided by your own desires in the moment. If you do fancy gettign out the house, or meeting someone for a coffee then do it. If you don't then don't.

Hi OP

I'm sorry you're having to deal with them as well as everything else.

If they say it again ask them to stop, say your psychiatrist who has 10 years studying and x years experience has said not to go back and you are taking their professional advice, rather than the advice of a plumber / teacher / whatever your friends do, and that it isn't helpful to put more pressure on you at this point, you know they want the best for you and at this point that's supporting you in your treatment by professionals

Your friends are wrong. If you were my work colleague I would want you to do whatever it takes to get well again - if that is being off work then that is fine. Ignore the idiot friends and focus on doing whatever you need to get well. Hugs.

You should take as long as you need. If your work are being good about it, who else's business is it really? Time off work isn't about sitting on your bum, it's about keeping your brain free from any stresses in order to get better!

Clearly a doctor thinks this is best. Are your rude and unsupportive friends doctors?

Don't feel bad.

However, if you have an understanding work, it can be good structure and routine to dip in and out of it if they'll let you do it.

I had a mental breakdown a few years ago. I felt like I couldn't face work. But being at home by myself was not the great answer I thought it was.

I was lucky to have a very understanding employer. I came in when I felt like it, even if I had a bit of a cry in the loos etc, and did bits and pieces. Having somewhere to go and be without any obligation turned out to be really helpful.

Don't go back till the professionals and you think you're ready (and then probably a slow phased return would be best). I'm speaking from personal experience - I have PTSD (I no longer am able to work due to my physical disabilities) went back to work too early (and against the wishes of my psychologist) due to being made to feel guilty by colleagues I managed two weeks of phased return (9 hours a week) before collapsing and being set back months in my recovery as I had the added pressure of worrying when I eventually returned to work would I cope.
Also grief is a very personal journey and there is no time limits on it.
Its going to be a long journey for you but please try and concentrate on your recovery not what others perceive of your situation - their not with you 24 hours a day (in your head) - hind sight is a good thing wish I'd known this a few years ago! Best wishes for a happy and healthy recovery.

If you had a physical illness, would you be listening to random, uninvited and unqualified medical advice above your doctors’?

However well-meaning your friends are, they aren’t trained, qualified or experienced to treat you. Their opinion is, at best, misguided. Ignore it and get well.

Frankly, I would cut those people out of your life for now. Not necessarily forever, but different friends are good for different situations.

You need the people who are supportive and kind in the ways you need to help you recover, and not the people who are saying negative things (whether they are trying to help or not, and I suspect they are trying to help but don't know what to do or say).

One of the things that's happened to you would floor many of us. Please try and be kind and forgiving to yourself. Lots of love and hope you're back on your feet soon.

I was off for 8 months then returned to work on a phased return during which time my mental well-being plummeted and my output was zero because it was too soon and proof that I could talk myself up and give impression all was well but without actually being better. You have your psychiatrist on side and I would be inclined to heed them and avoid well-meaning or otherwise friends for your own sake.

You work out what works best for you with your care team. Is it possible that going back to work actually may help? Yes, of course. When I was really struggling (with PND, slightly different), going back to work was a lifesaver. I struggled to get out of bed somedays for my family, but actually having something totally unrelated to my everyday life and where I could do something other than sit at home made such a difference.

That doesn't mean it will for you. And it's rude of people to make assumptions that they know what's going on with your life better than you do.

I just wanted to say thank you very much for all of the lovely supportive posts and the advice given. It really does mean a lot

Thanks to the posters who have shared their experiences too - I am sorry you are/have been in this situation and I hope that things get better for you.

I feel a lot less anxious after posting and will try to emotionally detach from the friends who are giving unsolicited advice as it really isn’t helpful. None of them are work colleagues by the way. Just going to concentrate on getting well, however long that may take.

Thank you all again.