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Original poster

Co parenting with sperm donor

46 replies

akmum18 · 09/09/2019 23:47

what is the general view of co parenting arrangements with a sperm donor? My friend is ttc with a gay couple she spoke to online who want 50/50 shared responsibility.
The donor is essentially a stranger. It’s good for the baby to have a father, which donor baby’s often miss out on, but the worries are of course sharing care with a stranger, different ideas of parenting etc.
If you were in the position to decide would you either opt for a sperm donor and go it alone or consider a co parenting arrangement so the baby has a father? Why or why not? (Not judging just trying to understand it) Thanks

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 10/09/2019 06:39

I thought the concept of a sperm donor was that the donor just simply donates sperm, no ties, no involvement, no rights. Because the sperm is donated.

What you’re describing is not a donation. The gay man is looking for more of a half way surrogate arrangement. Gets to have a child, gets to have a say in how to raise the child, where they live - everything. But at 50% custody, won’t have to pay child maintenance. We also know that some men have 50% custody but don’t actually see the children 50% of the time and in most cases it’s the mother who picks up the slack.

I wouldn’t go for this at all.

If your friend is looking for a sperm donor and traditional arrangement (ie, true donation, no contact before during or after pregnancy) use a traditional clinic. In the long term it’s less costly both emotionally and financially.

Hederex · 10/09/2019 06:41

I certainly wouldn't agree to co parent with people I barely knew.

I think this couple and your friend may be looking for different things.

In her position, I would use a clinic.

acquiescence · 10/09/2019 06:46

This is an absolutely terrible idea. How will she feel handing over her tiny baby to people she barely knows?

They could consider living together for a period, or an extended holiday together to really get to know each other and consider if they actually get on. They should discuss their feelings about parenting styles and what they would do in various situations, such as if the baby does not sleep. Would they sleep train? Co sleep? What would arrangements be about Christmas and grandparent involvement? They may have discussed all this already but it doesn’t sound like it if they barely know each other.

Parenting is bloody hard with someone you know and love, never mind with a stranger.

MiniMaxi · 10/09/2019 06:47

Agree with PPs - bearing in mind the obvious challenges for gay (male) couples to have children of their own, it sounds to me like they want to have kids and - because there is no official surrogacy system in the UK - this seems like a solution.

She's probably not seeing it from their perspective.

If she is and is happy with that, no problem...

FredaFrogspawn · 10/09/2019 06:47

This is a hugely complex situation. The ‘sperm donor’ becomes a father, his husband/partner has a role and becomes an important factor. It’s not just one person on the fathering side.

I have friends who are a lesbian couple who each had children fathered by a gay couple. They were raised jointly by the four parents. There was no mention of ‘donors’ - they were all parents. It worked out in spite of the Male gay couple splitting up - but it wasn’t easy for anyone. They had to work extremely hard to balance this unusual set-up.

RuffleCrow · 10/09/2019 06:47

God no!

You have zero idea who this person is or what their motivation for bringing a child into the world is. Tell your friend there are plenty of anonymous donors out there she doesn't have to ttc with controlling randoms.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2019 06:47

Absolutely fucking not. Ridiculous idea.

Pikapikachooo · 10/09/2019 06:49

It’s fine if they are friends and you know them and their
Approach

But in this case I would go for
Anonymous

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 06:52

Oh no, this has disaster written all over it.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/09/2019 06:55

Terrible idea. She has no idea on if they agree on how to raise a child. Can only see this turning into an utter disaster

CodenameVillanelle · 10/09/2019 06:57

Great idea if you are all really good friends and trust each other (though of the people I know personally who have done this, 100% of them have broken down in some way)
Terrible idea if it's people you met online! FFS.

Sayhellotothethings · 10/09/2019 06:57

What an awful idea. Sperm donations are no strings for the father. What these people want is a surrogate.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 10/09/2019 06:58

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

FlapAttack23 · 10/09/2019 06:58

Awful idea. Is bad enough co parenting with a partner 😂

Shmithecat2 · 10/09/2019 07:00

Sounds to me like the gay couple have got a cheap surrogate. Surely they can all see what a ridiculous idea this is?

And yes @FlapAttack23, I totally agree 😂

Fredthefrog · 10/09/2019 07:02

Someone I know has done this. Early days as baby is only just born but they have a legal agreement based on increasing overnight contact from 2. He is the childs father and though they arent friends they did discuss everything about parenting and outlook before ttc. I think it has positives. Child k ows their father and there are 2 parents as being a single parent is very hard plus you shouldn't have the acrimonious fall out from the end of a relationship. Lots of talk and time together before ttc and very strong legal /financial agreements.

Cally70 · 10/09/2019 07:03

Dreadful idea. Also, why would she then want to not have her child with her for 50% of the time? There are much better ways of going about becoming a parent

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2019 07:06

So she'll share her baby 50% of the time with complete strangers?

Why would you even consider it?

batvixen123 · 10/09/2019 07:07

I also know two gay couples who have done this - two women + two men raising kids together. It isn't surrogacy really or donor sperm. It's an unconventional family. It does work for them - they have 50/50 contact and go on holidays together and basically make it work like a really amicable stepfamily/blended family set up. Which I guess is really what it is. But I think your friend needs to be aware that that is what she is signing up for.

In good news, the four equal parents seems to work really well financially and in terms of constant childcare options. Plus all 8 grandparents are supportive. I sometimes get a bit jealous of that - school fees split between all parents and grandparents is a lot more affordable.

Coldilox · 10/09/2019 07:09

Will only be quick as am at work.

My wife and I considered co-parenting with a male gay couple. Different situation as we know them, one of them I have known since I was 16. We had long conversations with them and provisionally agreed, and started talking about details. Over time it became clear one of them was less keen than the other. Discussions changed to the idea of us two being the main parents with the biological father having contact as the dad, but to a lesser extent, paying child support etc, but with his husband not as a father as such. We realised that 4 people involved was looking far too complicated and decided not to go ahead. Wife and I used an anonymous donor through a clinic and now have a 5 year old boy.

I think co-parenting can work with the right combination of people. Would never consider it with people I didn’t know well.

BarbariansMum · 10/09/2019 07:11

I would only consider a co-parenting arrangement- but I'd need to know (or get to know) the co-parent pretty well before conception.

Scarlett555 · 10/09/2019 07:11

She should spend at least 6 months really getting to know them and talking through every possible scenario - what if they or she want to move to a different city for example? Will they do things as a ' family' so take family holidays together? I do know some arrangements where this has worked with lesbian couples Co-parenting with gay couples but they have been very good friends beforehand. It seems very risky doing it with strangers, however I can see the temptation of not doing it entirely alone.

If this couple are serious they should be willing to discuss and agree every aspect of parenting before conception, ideally with signed agreements in place.

Newborns are relentless and exhausting and I can see why the prospect of being a single mother from a sperm donor is daunting for her. If she has family support and someone who can be there with her for the first few weeks and help out during childhood I would advise sperm donor rather than this couple.

She also needs to think about any future partners and how they would fit into a co-parenting arrangement.

Shinysun · 10/09/2019 07:29

In two words- God no.

She knows nothing about them. Whilst they could be wonderful people, they could also be awful. She knows nothing about their families etc. Do they live far away? What if they chose to move further away? There are so many questions that I assume she doesnt know the answer to.

Co-parenting is very different to a donor.

Bad idea.

Mac47 · 10/09/2019 07:31

I know someone who did this - the couple split up so now everyone has the child for a third of the time. Awful situation.

Original poster
akmum18 · 10/09/2019 07:39

I agree with all of you thanks for replies, it’s hard to explain my worries to her when she’s on cloud 9 and looking forward to it. I worry they’re using her as a surrogate and will fight for custody. Glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t agree with it. They met on co parenting Match website.

OP posts: