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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co parenting with sperm donor

46 replies

akmum18 · 09/09/2019 23:47

what is the general view of co parenting arrangements with a sperm donor? My friend is ttc with a gay couple she spoke to online who want 50/50 shared responsibility.
The donor is essentially a stranger. It’s good for the baby to have a father, which donor baby’s often miss out on, but the worries are of course sharing care with a stranger, different ideas of parenting etc.
If you were in the position to decide would you either opt for a sperm donor and go it alone or consider a co parenting arrangement so the baby has a father? Why or why not? (Not judging just trying to understand it) Thanks

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 10/09/2019 07:42

Nuts from nutsville, that's what that is. And just plain is irresponsible.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2019 07:43

The poor child. I wonder if desperation for a child clouds people's judgement and they become tunnel visioned.

LolaSmiles · 10/09/2019 07:48

I think they're looking for a cheap way around a surrogacy arrangement.

A co-parenting relationship can work if there's a friendship and people are all on board as equal parties.

This doesn't sound equal. It sounds like your friend is facilitating this couple having the child they want and they could start filing for custody etc at any time.

Cakeorchocolate · 10/09/2019 08:00

I wouldn't co-parent with strangers. Parenting is stressful when you're a couple with lots of shared views.

I understand the desperation for a baby but I wouldn't do it like that.

thethoughtfox · 10/09/2019 08:07

Not a sperm donor. This is a new family. If the couple were close friends, perhaps. This is insane.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/09/2019 08:11

I really wouldn’t do this and she’s setting herself up for a lifetime of unhappiness

Idontwanttotalk · 10/09/2019 08:14

@Nanny0gg

"So she'll share her baby 50% of the time with complete strangers?

Why would you even consider it?"
Because she's happy to accept sperm from a complete stranger, without whom she wouldn't even have a child?

Booboostwo · 10/09/2019 08:15

Co-parenting is bloody hard work when you know and trust the other person, I can't imagine it working out with a random couple off the internet. There are so many moral choice and values that play into parenting that if you are not in agreement with the other parent, things could get really ugly, really fast.

cranstonmanor · 10/09/2019 08:22

I know a gay man who co parents a child with a gay woman. They both wanted children but both also wanted the child to have it's mum and it's dad in it's life. They spoke a lot beforehand to decide if they were on the same page about how to parent, had a boy and they're all doing fine. I don't know, maybe taking the romantic emotions out of it made it easier for them.

Berthatydfil · 10/09/2019 08:27

Terrible idea.
They are strangers so she knows nothing about them, how they will parent etc.
Also there are already 2 of them so they will present as a family unit already.
If they are talking about 50/50 how will that pan out in reality? Has she thought about it is reality? Handing over the child 3 or 4 days a week? It may mean she will have to consult them on schools, medical treatment, can’t move away etc and one perceived wrong move may have them going for full custody.

MumW · 10/09/2019 08:28

Is she out of her mind? Can't believe your friend is even contemplating this? It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Not quite sure which party instigated this.
If she is the one who wants a baby as a single parent then, if she thinks a the 50:50 arrangement is an easy option then she just isn't ready for the commitment and reality of parenthood.
If it's the gay couple, then it sounds like they want to 'try' parenting with an opt out if they decide they can't cope.

Someone needs to think of the poor baby being pulled from pillar to post. What happens if either party decide that they want 100% or 0% involvement? What about who pays for school uniform/university? Who has the final say on which school/nursery they attend? ...........

MumW · 10/09/2019 08:37

Also, and this really is a biggy, if they are random strangers, does she know their medical history?
What happens if the baby, God forbid, is disabled in some way?

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 10/09/2019 08:55

Jesus wept. This poor child will be used as a timeshare. That's the kind of agreement you'd use for a horse. What a selfish idea.

RuffleCrow · 10/09/2019 08:58

This seems to be an idea which is reasonably common amongst friends who are gay but want to be parents. I'm sure it works pretty well in that context, perhaps sometimes better than the trad family model. However if you're not actually bffs or at least really good friends, it doesn't even bear thinking about. Show your friend this thread, OP.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/09/2019 09:04

No, this is a really really bad idea

Pieinthesky11 · 10/09/2019 09:21

Madness

CoolWivesClub2019 · 10/09/2019 09:30

In that situation I would actually prefer a co-parenting situation. But NOT with a couple and not with a 50/50 arrangement which I think is a very bad idea for a small baby.

They’ll outnumber her from the start...will there be 3 votes on important matters?

It would be very easy for her to be pushed out (or at least feel pushed out) or /for them to try for custody.

I would do it but only with one dad and after we’d got to know each other well over at least a few months.

SuzieQ10 · 10/09/2019 09:39

No way.
Too complicated. Too many things could go wrong with such an arrangement. She doesn't know them or their families.

Original poster

akmum18 · 10/09/2019 14:55

I am considering sending her the link to this thread but I’m worried about interfering. I’m considering a sperm donor myself as I’m a long time single mum but the thought of sharing the baby with them scares me! I do agree with the pp who said the gay couple want the parenting without it being full time and can hand baby back if they aren’t enjoying it, else they would have gone for a surrogate or adoption I’d imagine.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 10/09/2019 15:02

I know people who have co-parented like this but with friends. The kids are now 10 years or older and it seems to have worked very well. But they has been friends for years and knew who the other people were and what kind of values they have. Co-parenting with a stranger could mean that you are sharing your precious child with absolutely anyone. At worst could be violent, an addict, abusive, or just have values that you completely disagree with. I really don't think it is a good idea with a stranger.

Fifthtimelucky · 10/09/2019 17:16

There would clearly be challenges with this sort of arrangement, but it seems to me that there could also be some advantages over a typical sperm donation where there would be no practical, emotional or financial support from the donor.

Sharing a child with an ex-husband/partner is also a challenge, of course.

There would need to be honest discussions about important issues, and a proper legal agreement, but if all parties go into this sort of arrangement with their eyes open, I think they'd have a reasonable chance of bringing up a happy and well-adjusted child.

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