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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD to have a house party

45 replies

PookieDo · 09/09/2019 21:14

She is almost 17 and has asked for a birthday party at our house. I really just don’t want the hassle of it and she doesn’t want me to be at home upstairs during the party

She has a group of friends from school (girls and boys). They are a good bunch generally but a couple of them have got quite drunk at parties before, with spirits provided by their own parents . My DD doesn’t really like alcohol and hasn’t ever come home drunk. She has been going to these house parties for a few months within a group of these 12 mates (they don’t attempt to go out on the town or anything. She is always wearing trainers and is only 5ft tall so has no hope of getting in anywhere 😂).

Part of me knows it will be some dancing music and shrieking and likely DD will be sensible. But I don’t want a messy sticky (muddy?) vomit covered house, I don’t want to be responsible for parents who send their kids with strong booze, I don’t want to be expected to go out and I would have to take our dog with me and I don’t want to piss off all the neighbours. I also don’t want DD to miss out. I am not sure there is a compromise here I can expect 17 yo’s to stick to either

AIBU to say no? Or am I a boring stick in the mud

OP posts:

jaggynettle · 09/09/2019 21:19

YANBU - although your daughter doesn't like to drink am sure some of her friends may take advantage of a parent free zone and get hammered. One of my friends let her teen have a house party and there was vomit everywhere things got broken and it got a bit out of hand. Luckily her and her DH were only a couple of doors down at a neighbour's house and stopped it before it got way out of control.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 09/09/2019 21:19

do you have a garden? is there any way you could set up a gazebo/marque outside with fairy lights etc? that way there is shelter outside but all the mess is contained out there...

NotWavingButMNing · 09/09/2019 21:23

If she wants the party she will have to compromise as well as you.
You lay down the rules and she gets a party.
You stay in, that's not negotiable.
Guests can drink but no spirits and anyone who is drunk will be sent home.

Hannah021 · 09/09/2019 21:24

nope, not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't open my house to vomits... bribe her with something else on her bday, take her somewhere she always wanted to go.

MistyGlen · 09/09/2019 21:27

Nope I don’t even like having a party at my house for adult friends never mind teenagers! Last time someone made a red wine ring on my white quartz worktop and chipped my dining table. Luckily I’d removed all of my nice ornaments to another room.

Original poster

PookieDo · 09/09/2019 21:27

I can’t police anything if she is going to insist I go out. I think the dog would find it really stressful so going out would make sense for him but am I supposed to wander the streets with dog till 11pm? 😂 I would feel better about it if I stayed upstairs then I could intervene if it was going wrong

Re the garden I think that would annoy all the neighbours way more than if it was contained indoors at least

OP posts:

Parky04 · 09/09/2019 21:27

Not unreasonable at all. We have never had a party at our house. Our two teenage DS do not even bother to ask!

Leftielefterson · 09/09/2019 21:29

YANBU - I know some parents that have allowed this and their houses got trashed. One incident the police were called, drugs were being pedalled in the house and there were drunk children scattered in every room in the house and shagging too apparently!

I just don’t get parents that would allow this.

Laiste · 09/09/2019 21:35

Nope. It wouldn't happen here.

Can you offer to pay for a local venue for her party? Local hall? Everyone bring a bottle and a mixer? Decorate it, wish her happy b.day, go home and leave them all to it

Laiste · 09/09/2019 21:38

@Parky04 Our two teenage DS do not even bother to ask!

Same. 3 of mine are DDs in their early 20s. They are great kids and we all love each other dearly. None ever wasted their breath asking to have a house party though 'cos they knew what the answer would have been

Hopesorfears · 09/09/2019 21:39

Why can't she just wait till you go away overnight like a normal kid?

Original poster

PookieDo · 09/09/2019 21:41

I’ve emailed the community centre

OP posts:

Teensruletheroost · 09/09/2019 21:58

We had a party for a 17th, it was great, very loud but we’re detached so didn’t bother anyone, loads of attendees tipsy but having fun. No hassle, very little mess. One person sick in the garden.

A year later we had a house party for an 18th and it was awful. Lots of undesirables turned up, including a local drug dealer.

We were upstairs on both occasions but DC were too scared to tell us fully what was going on at the 18th for the potential consequences of it kicking off if we chucked everyone out.

We won’t be having any more house parties. DC2 will have to stick to ‘gatherings’ rather than full on parties.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2019 22:25

I’ve emailed the community centre

Good luck with that; I used to run one, and while I can't speak for your area, there aren't any left round here which accept teenage parties

They all used to insist there'd be "lots of adults present" you see - even those like yourself whose DCs don't want them there - only come the night all the promised adults would be mysteriously "busy"

Original poster

PookieDo · 09/09/2019 22:32

I will supervise the community centre if they do agree. I have asked what they hire for days and times

And I won’t have to worry about the dog or my own house

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2019 22:41

You can ask, OP, but please don't be surprised if they don't believe you; it won't be personal so much as born of experience

And TBF you did say "I can’t police anything if she is going to insist I go out", whereas some might have taken the view that she doesn't get to insist you do anything ...

meyouandlulutoo · 09/09/2019 22:49

@Hopesorfears

Why can't she just wait till you go away overnight like a normal kid?

Almost every party I went to in my teens (a very very very long time ago!) was arranged like this.

katewhinesalot · 09/09/2019 22:52

Hell would freeze over before I agreed to a teenage party in my home. I really can't understand people who do agree, especially when they seem surprised that there is damage.

funnylittlefloozie · 09/09/2019 22:54

What is this "insisting" rubbish? My 17 year old doesnt get to insist i do anything - im the adult, its my house, if i want to stay in, i will!

user1573624 · 09/09/2019 22:55

Nowhere will touch a 17th. Not a community centre or a reception room.

ArthuriaAugustaDarcy · 09/09/2019 22:58

YANNNNNBU a million times over. Teenage parties are just a no.

Seren85 · 09/09/2019 23:18

Every teenager has the friend who's parents are happy for them to have parties. Can't she have it there and blame you? Round here no room would allow a 17th, most don't even do 18ths given the amount of I'd checking and watching people buying for others.

AnnaNimmity · 10/09/2019 10:18

Don't do it OP! Not even in a community centre.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 10:25

I can’t police anything if she is going to insist I go out

She doesn't get to insist anything. If you do agree to the party then you set the rules.

AnnaNimmity · 10/09/2019 10:31

I stayed in for one of ours (yes I did it more than once) and they still smuggle vodka in in water bottles, or arrive completely plastered. And you still have the hoards turning up outside or spilling onto the street. And there's still the mess....

My dds were actually very sensible, you just can't police everyone else.

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