To not want DD to have a house party

[PookieDo]

She is almost 17 and has asked for a birthday party at our house. I really just don’t want the hassle of it and she doesn’t want me to be at home upstairs during the party

She has a group of friends from school (girls and boys). They are a good bunch generally but a couple of them have got quite drunk at parties before, with spirits provided by their own parents . My DD doesn’t really like alcohol and hasn’t ever come home drunk. She has been going to these house parties for a few months within a group of these 12 mates (they don’t attempt to go out on the town or anything. She is always wearing trainers and is only 5ft tall so has no hope of getting in anywhere 😂).

Part of me knows it will be some dancing music and shrieking and likely DD will be sensible. But I don’t want a messy sticky (muddy?) vomit covered house, I don’t want to be responsible for parents who send their kids with strong booze, I don’t want to be expected to go out and I would have to take our dog with me and I don’t want to piss off all the neighbours. I also don’t want DD to miss out. I am not sure there is a compromise here I can expect 17 yo’s to stick to either

AIBU to say no? Or am I a boring stick in the mud

YANBU!!!!!
We’ve had some horrific house parties down our road held by some of the neighbours ‘kids’. I say ‘kids’ because they’re 17 and 18 so should really know better.
The police had to be called because there were big groups of kids standing in the street screaming at the tops of their lungs at 3am. They were throwing empty bottles and cans at peoples cars. They were jumping on cars in people’s driveways and kicking the windows. This continued for over an hour.

It was so bad that we ended up looking at houses for sale the next morning.
It was really frightening for us all and we all felt so powerless. For that reason, I’d never allow my child to have a house party even though I know they’re extremely well-behaved. Your kids can be really well behaved but it’s the friends who turn up that can completely mess things up.

We are the parents that allow parties, they are confined to kitchen and conservatory and we do insist on being home though we stay in our sitting room. I did have to take a girl home once that got quite drunk but the three DS has had, one for his 16 and 17 birthday and the post GCSE exam result one have been fine.

We nip in the kitchen to make coffee a couple of times and check. I had 10 stay over once and made them all bacon sandwiches the next day. One rule is DS has to have the house cleaned the next day to perfect standards, which he has always done.

I wouldn't! Our neighbours just allowed their turning 16 year old to do this a few weeks ago. Their garden faces the front of our house to the side (as in we look out the front and see their side gate over the way). Their daughter is a lovely responsible girl who even took the trouble to drop a note through our door apologising in advance for any music noise.

However. The party got totally out of control. 30 drunk teens spilling out on the street, scrapping, chucking rubbish around making a hell of a racket. Then a drug dealer turned up and was dealing out of his car (and this isn't an area where you get that!) and I had to go out there three times. Twice to tell them all to get away from our cars because they were leaning and sitting all over them and the third time because a group of lads were actually urinating in my front garden. I lost my shit when I saw that and got the parents out there. Any more and I'd have called the police. Although they were probably scared enough by my ranting outside in my pyjamas anyway

The music noise was no bother but the rest of it was hell. It was when it was really hot too, we could have the windows open for our babies because it was so noisy and the weed/smoke everywhere.

Unless you're living in the middle of nowhere and it won't affect neighbours, don't do it OP. Actually don't do it anyway, if you like your house and surrounding area!

Yabu their only young once. My teens last year wanted a party I got a marquee in the garden and there was over 100 teenagers turn up. It was a great night I even partied with them 🙈 warned all the neighbours beforehand and it was just a once off. Alotpf then slept in the marquee too that night and all helped clear up the next morning.

We provided the drink (punch, Prosecco) and didn't allow any guests to bring alcohol. We are detached though so no neighbour issues

I understand you Pookie, my son had a 15th birthday party and some girls (they were lovely, he and his friends used to go around with them), brought vodka, unbeknown to their parents and us. One of them collapsed on our patio, she was OK, got up and carried on dancing - others were drunk and the place downstairs was pretty mucky by the time they all left, around midnight. Having said that, it was a great party. He also had other gatherings.

It would be nice for your daughter to have a house party. Set out your rules bearing in mind some won't keep to them. Unless you only have a toilet upstairs, make upstairs strictly out of bounds. You say you would come home at 11pm, when you do make your presence known and set a time to leave for 12. Go upstairs with dog and come down alone at 12 to end the party. Most of them will have parents picking them up and that is usually at midnight.

Perhaps you have friends or relatives who will be happy to have you over for the evening.

Good luck!!!!!!

I can’t police anything if she is going to insist I go out.

She doesn't get to "insist" on anything.

She can have her party - on your terms, i.e. you stay in.
Or she can dictate what the terms are, & not get her party.

I really cannot see the dilemma.

I would go for it, you might enjoy it. I'd take the dog out for a long walk/ pint and have it known that I'll be "around"
Some areas off limits, move the precious itemd

She can insist all she wants I do not have to agree. But she is insisting

I am embarrassing apparently but this is because she knows I wouldn’t let them all get drunk and I wouldn’t let them play their music too loud

She has announced she has a guest list of 14 so far although I have made it clear I HAVE NOT AGREED TO THIS YET. I think she will piss me off about it so much I will say no anyway

I don’t see how this can work I live in a quiet but built up street and everyone who lives here will hate me

I am not prepared to pay out ££££ for an alternative because that means no driving lessons. You can’t have driving lessons and a bloody party

Tell her she can have 6 mates over from 8-12pm and you’ll be in from 10pm onwards. Her choice if that’s acceptable or not!

I let my DD have parties but then she doesn't drink and while some of her friends do, I don't think they would be getting really drunk in my house, if at all. You know your DD though so if you don't trust her or her friends I would go with your instinct.

My dds were actually very sensible, you just can't police everyone else

That's the risk isn't it? No matter how sensible or well intentioned they seem incapable of keeping things off social media, so before you know what's happening you've got a load of gatecrashers

Back with the community centre, I've heard it all ... "It's an adult party" (no it isn't) "It was going to be an adult party but loads of teens turned up (yeah, right) "They've promised to stay and clean" (never happened) "They're all anti drink and drugs types" (usual parental delusion) and more. Oddly enough, despite all the lies, they'd go ballistic when I turned up to chuck them out; it was never their fault you see

Let her insist, OP - you'll probably be called everything from a pig to a dog, but at least you'll keep your sanity and clean home

The girl vomiting vodka until she passed out at my dd2's party arrived trashed. She is the most square, academic, lovely girl (or you'd think so...) You just can't predict this. The rest of the girls (who were sober) were completely out of their depth with her. I was there and dealt with it. Her parents were mortified.

I have let my DC have parties and I have made it very clear that if anything gets broken then they personally are responsible for the cost and that 100% of the clean up is down to them. At the first party I stipulated that if these rules,amongst others, weren't adhered to then that would be the first and last party. 70 kids turned up and the clean up took 4 of them 5 hours the next day , everything was fine and I have let them have a few since, not on that scale thou. Sometimes you got to trust them.

My DD nearly 17 has said she wants a party, I have agreed to no more than 10 people, I will be at home, there will be wine, beer and cider available, if anyone brings their own booze they will be sent home. Any 'substances' appear the party will end, and parents will be advised (although not sure that will have any effect, as I have now seen photos of parents smoking weed on their children's IG accounts.)

My DD is now rethinking her party.

I don't think you should go out, it is a lot of responsibility for your DD if someone drinks too much or undesirables turn up.
I would say guest list, you sit quietly upstairs (ideally with another adult in case someone needs to be taken home) but appear occasionally in kitchen. You provide cider , beer but young people are NOT to bring their own and if caught with booze in their bags either they go home or you keep the bags until they are going home. DD to clear up. No drugs.
My DC have been to lots of parties with these rules over the years and had great fun.

I have let all 3 of my DC have "gatherings" at my house.

Never more than about 15-20 ppl although often more like 10-12 and my DH and I are ALWAYS at home.
I would never ever let the have a party and not be there-things happen and my DC know if they want a party that we will be there. We know all of their friends anyway and their parents so that may help deter any trouble

I always provided bit of food to soak up alcohol and house and garden needed to be cleaned the next day.

Think if you are happy for her to have a small gathering that's fine but it's your rules.

*No one upstairs
*no late noise-outside during party and leaving must be considerate
*Specify rooms they can use-mine always had kitchen/dining room and garden. DH and I in front room with door shut although popped into kitchen occasionally
*no drugs
*guest list to you in advance
*no one they don't know can come in
*the party will be stopped at any time and everyone sent home if it goes wrong
*clean up next day

Good luck!!!

I let my teens have parties for birthdays and big events, but I am "draconian" about the rules.

Always at least one adult in the house
Set guest list with max number dictated by me/DH
Max 3/4 drinks per person - no spirits, only cans/bottled single serve drinks
Soft drinks/water supplied by us.
No backpacks or water bottles - the girls usually carry teeny tiny handbags so they don't suddenly need huge bags
Anyone under 18 who is allowed to drink by their parent is allowed, but only if I've actually spoken to the parent (no texts)
Party ends at midnight

The kids, and to be honest some parents, think I'm massively OTT and strict, but it works.

I've always said my two can have a party if they like. There are only 2 rules, no vomiting and no drugs.

Both decided it was far less stressful to go to other people's parties than to have to tell their friends that their mum said no weed 🙄 (my two don't do it as far as I know but it does seem very prevalent at the moment)

But if they did, there's not a chance in hell I would be leaving the property.

I had my 18th at my parents house, a bbq. No one got drunk. My mum chatted with my mates.