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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should let him move class

35 replies

Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:13

NC

I have identical twins in a large secondary 260+ per year. From the start I have asked for them to be in separate classes (even at nursery) as they need to find their identity.

This year two days before start of school they log on and find they are in the same class and with a lot of friends incl twin 2 best friend. I know this will not work as they will be together 24/7 and it's not healthy and would cause arguments.
I email school and ask for twin 1 to be moved as they already know who is in the class with them and twin2 is much more anxious and would struggle with the change. I ask for Twin 1 to be moved into a class with some of his friends as he would rather stay with his brother and friends than move to a class where he doesn't know anyone. (thanks if you are still reading)
Twin 1 has been moved to a class where he knows no one, has the worst teachers and badly behaved kids, he is now really upset with me for getting him moved and wishes I'd just left him with his twin and friends.
Now if the school had just put him in this class I would tell him to suck it up and make the best of it BUT he is so upset and is saying it's all my fault as I moved him. AIBU to ask the school to move twin1 to a class with at least one friend in it considering none of this would have happened if they had split the twins in the first place.

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 09/09/2019 21:14

Surely it's just his form and only half an hour a day?

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:16

No it's the main class so because they are the same ability they would be together for virtually all subjects as they are ks3

OP posts:
Hannah021 · 09/09/2019 21:17

don't let emotions get on the way, you're already aware that it is for their best interest to be in separate classes.
You shouldn't have told them that it was you who instigated the change, they're children, they don't know what's best for them.

I don't think it is a good idea to move them back. He'll get used to it.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 09/09/2019 21:17

You've already interfered so may as well carry on pushing to get this made right. Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as your kids are happy. It's not 'only' half an hour with his form.

Ilikethisone · 09/09/2019 21:18

I think you were daft to email then in the first place.

Its secondary. Even if in the first year, they arent all usually in the same class as their forms all day.

You can ask for twins to be split but you cant insist. You wanted a change and they changed it.

WaterSheep · 09/09/2019 21:19

You asked for him to be moved, so they moved him. You would be very unreasonable to go back and demand they move him again.

Ilikethisone · 09/09/2019 21:20

So your school splits forms be ability too? That's quite unusual.

My daughter goes to a very big secondary and 6th form. If they are of a certain ability, that the class they get put in. Ability, not social group.

iamyourequal · 09/09/2019 21:25

I agree with your son that your meddling has caused this problem. If your twins are of similar abilility they were likely to be put in the same class sooner or later. I don’t think your reasoning for having them in separate classes was adequate to start with. I went to a fairly small secondary, which rather remarkably had 3 sets of identical twins in my year. They were all always in the top class and and 6 were very intelligent high achievers who seemed very well adjusted and got on great at school. I’m sorry but I feel you have created an issue out of nothing here. I would eat a slice of humble pie and ask for your son to be moved back to where they placed him in the first place.

BeanBag7 · 09/09/2019 21:30

They moved his class as you requested. They didnt move him in with his friends but probably for a good reason - for example there were already 30 kids in the friend's class whereas his new class only had 27.

If you phone and ask them to move him to a class with one friend, another kid will have to be moved out to make space for him - do you think that's fair? Are they in year 7? He will make new friends.

He says that his new class has the "worst teachers" and "badly behaved kids"? He has only been in that class a few days, it's a bit early to make judgement. Sounds like he had his heart set on being in class with his friend and is annoyed it didnt work out that way.

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:31

Just to clarify they were in the same rotation (East) not same form, so would have been together for English, Maths, French, humanities, PE everything except DT. There are three other rotations (north, south and west) which all have graded abilitiy groups and the only subject they could have been together is DT. This is how they were last year.

OP posts:
100PercentThatBitch · 09/09/2019 21:32

You will get a reputation as "that parent"

You asked for something, they did it, you can't arrange/select your children's classes just exactly as befits how you would want them, every parent would try the same and it would never end

YABU

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:32

But thanks for replying happy for people to say aibu which is why I asked on here before contacting school again. (don't think I was bu asking for them not to be in the same class tho)

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 09/09/2019 21:33

I also think you need to be very careful making decisions for one child, based on the fact the other is anxious.

As it stands, you interfered. You chose one child to be moved because the other is anxious.

Its difficult, but the non anxious one could end up resenting you and his brother. You decided what best for them and enforced it on 1 because the other is more anxious. He could resent that its him that has ri change things because you domt want to upset the other.

It's not a pattern you want to get into.

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:34

@beanbag7 no he is annoyed at me for moving him but I know it would have done neither of them any good to be together especially as teachers can not tell them apart

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 09/09/2019 21:35

The twin that was moved and ended up without any if his friends in his class thinks you were wrong and is the one suffering the consquences of your decision.

So you may think you were right, but the person impacted doesnt.

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:35

@likethisone I agree completely and have got to 13 without this sort of problem. I have never interfered in the past, they found out they were together otherwise I would have just asked them to be split and not told them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:39

@Tennesseewhiskey (great name) yes but the consequences of staying in the same class would have been worse for both. They belong to a club where they have played since they were five and still the coaches can't tell them apart they get treated as one child, so if one does good they are not recognized but if one does bad they both are seen to be poor.
In Y7 the school were great and as they were totally apart many teachers didn't realise they were identical twins.

OP posts:
meyouandlulutoo · 09/09/2019 21:41

YABU. If the classes are selected by ability I cannot imagine why you would want to disadvantage one of them by having him moved to another form, which by the sound of it is lower ability. I hope you now realise that the school at Secondary level know much more about placing pupils than you do. You can't mess about with your child's education and future for some reasoning that makes no sense. I hope you can make it up to your son.

Lougle · 09/09/2019 21:41

Sometimes you have to just let it go. DD3 found her seat in class really difficult and asked for a change. They changed her, but to a much worse seat. I told her that she'd just have to live with it and somebody has to have that seat, so why not her?

Your DS will get used to his new class.

Youmadorwhat · 09/09/2019 21:43

You will get a reputation as "that parent

She already IS that parent!! Ffs OP is it really a big bloody deal. What did you do all summer?? Keep them in separate rooms?? I’m all for them “keeping their own identity yadda yadda” but I would have just let them get on with it! Stop meddling!

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 21:44

@41meyouandlulutoo
The school is so big they have more that one top set middle set etc so I just wanted them in the other set (I believe they have three other top/middle sets)

OP posts:
Silenttype · 09/09/2019 22:01

As a twin myself, who was seperated from DT, I can see why you wanted them split, both very shy, we would have lived in each others pockets otherwise. We ended up with 2 completely different friendship groups, different views and personalities. But we were still best friends at home, and still are now! So i don't think YWBU to ask for them to be seperated, however, i would call it a day with the contacting of the school. You never know, this could be the making of both of them!

meyouandlulutoo · 09/09/2019 22:18

The school is so big they have more that one top set middle set etc so I just wanted them in the other set (I believe they have three other top/middle sets)

Has he been moved to one of these sets? From how you've phrased this it doesn't sound as if you know for sure that there are other top/middle sets available. If there are they are probably already full.

I feel sorry for your son that has been moved to a form that doesn't suit him. Although you don't want your sons to be in the same class, by your own admission you now think DS1 would be better off being in the class he was originally assigned to.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/09/2019 22:26

Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff
The school is so big they have more that one top set middle set etc so I just wanted them in the other set (I believe they have three other top/middle sets)

Who did you want them to move out so that your DS could be moved in?

they have moved him at your request but have minimised the disruption to the other children.

Original poster
Sotheycantreadmyotherstuff · 09/09/2019 22:30

@18meyouandlulutoo no I still think it's better he is in this separate class just DT1 is very unhappy in this new class with no one he knows and blames me (it is my fault)
I will just apologise to him.

OP posts: