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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling really hurt?

31 replies

Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 18:33

I've just found out that dds dad is having another baby and Its breaking my heart.
We've been separated for 4 years but have always remained amicable and had a good co parenting relationship.
We've gone on holidays days out, always spend xmas and birthdays together and yes we were still sleeping together, both of us were single but wasnt good together, yet always had a sexual attraction.

He started seeing a woman last year and of course we stopped having sex, but still continued parenting our dd8 although he was letting things slide and wasnt around as much due to his partner, whom dd has only met twice.
We have also been arguing alot more because his partner is/was jealous of our friendship, she started to speak badly about me to mutual friends, stalking my social media and just being a really nasty piece of work. Shes very insecure and is constantly on the phone to him when he has dd asking when hes coming back as she doesn't want me around him, when it was sports day last term she called him a total of 40 times.

Anyway he left the relationship and has moved out if their home and in with friends. Two weeks later she has told him that shes pregnant which was unplanned, hes told her he doesn't want a baby but will support her decision no matter what. He has obviously kept this from me and the rest of his family, due to it being early stages and of course not wanting to upset me but now his ex partner has announced it all over social media and I've found out she done it like that specifically to get to me and it feels like my heart is breaking.

He wasn't around for my pregnancy from in was 3 months and missed dds first year (for reasons I don't want to go into on here) but we was still very much together and Inlove at the time, now finding this out has brought back all of those memories and thinking about all the things hes now going to be doing with this new baby is tearing me apart, but I don't know if I'm wrong for feeling this way?

Of course I'm now thinking about how my dd is going to feel about it all when he tells her and how it's going to change everything for all of us.
So how do I even deal with this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 19:41

Anyone?

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 09/09/2019 19:55

That is so sad for you OP. You feel like you missed out and she'll get support you didn't. But that may not be the case at all, especially if he doesn't want this baby. Also, this doesn't mean he is not going to still be a good dad to your DD. Plus it means she'll have a little half sibling. Why are you looking at her FB though? I know we all do it but if you're overinvested it's not healthy. You havn't actually lost anything here if you're not with him anyway.

imnotinthemood · 09/09/2019 19:57

Sorry but your not going to like this .
Your ex is a twat you split up but carrying on sleeping with him until he met someone who is jealous ( and every reason to be by the sounds of it ) . She's pregnant he doesn't want the baby and your heartbroken why ? He's treated you and this other woman appalling. He clearly doesn't take responsibility very well, how old is he ,
Why are you hating her what's she done wrong ?
Move on and let him deal with whatever mess he gets himself into next .

HugoSpritz · 09/09/2019 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 20:10

@imnotinthemood I never said that I hated anyone Confused I've also outlined the reasons why I feel the way I do.

We split up not because of his lack of responsibility, but because we just wasn't good together anymore after a 12 year relationship, we were also two concenting adults having a sexual relationship.

@Marlena1 I didn't look on her fb, he posted a pic on his with dd and she commented then deleted it.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 09/09/2019 20:14

OP, is it that you’re heartbroken because you’re still in love with him? If so, please wake up to the fact he’s not a good partner and you will be able to find someone so much better once you’re truly over him.

As for worrying about your daughter, her father is either a good dad or he isn’t. If he is then you’ve got nothing to worry about - he should still make an effort with her in future, new baby or not. If he isn’t then she isn’t really losing anything if he spends less time with her.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2019 20:18

He is an arsehole. Not there for your pregnancy Not around for the first year. Letting his DC down as soon as he gets into a new relationship. Taking advantage of you by sleeping with you when you clearly still care.

This is your opportunity to get on with your life. If he steps up and is a good Dad to your DC good and well. If not his loss. Good luck.

Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 20:20

I care about him, but no I'm not still in love, I just think it's the way it's all come out which has shocked me more than anything.

My concern regarding dd is that shes an only child and has just been used to having her dad to herself and because this baby will be in a new home how much it might confuse her.

OP posts:
Booboooo · 09/09/2019 20:21

Was he in prison?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/09/2019 20:24

DD will most likely be really happy to have a baby around- I know I was at that age. She'll be sad if he lets her down (which I really hope he doesn't) or if she thinks that you are.

SignedUpJust4This · 09/09/2019 20:26

Tbh your dd may have been used to having her dad to herself but he already started to drop her when this woman appeared on scene. It was 9nly a matter of time. Wake up and smell he arsehole. He's a selfish, irresponsible twat and you are better off out.

Neverender · 09/09/2019 20:26

I genuinely don't think any woman would get pregnant on purpose just to piss you off...can you see this from another perspective?

Neverender · 09/09/2019 20:27

It's not her - he's a shit

Neverender · 09/09/2019 20:28

You can explain this and talk it through with her but only if you put her feelings first. Please do.

Isaididont · 09/09/2019 20:29

YANBU. I can see why you feel the way you do. Things are going to change and you don’t know exactly how they’ll change. And you don’t want your dd getting hurt. His ex sounds like pretty difficult and now you feel like she might inadvertently become an indefinite part of your life through your dd’s father.
It sounds like you have a good friendship with your ex that’s quite solid despite ups and downs. I’d just focus on being the constant in your dd’s life and make sure there’s plenty of good support in your and her lives so you’re not having to look too much to your ex for that, just in case. Things may work out far better than you fear, especially once things calm down. There’s a lot of change ahead but once everything is in a routine it could well be absolutely fine. It’s just hard for you and you’ve had to adjust to a lot lately so probably part of you does not want even more upheaval and change especially when it affects what’s most vulnerable/who you most want to protect - your dd.

akmum18 · 09/09/2019 20:32

This happened to me 5 years ago in the exact same way so I can sympathise. You need to give yourself time to grieve in a sense, as not only are you not a family, the dynamics have changed and a new baby does change things. It is hard and I won’t pretend it’ll be easy, but it does get easier. I was angry being told that in the beginning, but 5 years on I’m at peace with the situation and not bitter anymore. My children were upset and worried they’ll be second best and naturally sad the baby will live with dad and they won’t, but after a rocky few months they adapted and everything worked out ok for them. What you’re feeling is normal, just remember to be there for your children and as long as they are ok and have you for support you can’t control what happens next so don’t let it get to you. Ex and I were eventually back on good terms, and while I don’t like the girlfriend we have always been civil and polite for our children. If you need a chat PM me any time.

bluebeck · 09/09/2019 20:32

Well you can hardly blame the new GF for being suspicious of your relationship - you have been shagging your ex for years!!! Grin

He was bound to move on eventually and possibly have a new family. Did you really never think of that?

I think you possibly need some counselling to get you through this and out the other side.

On the plus side, DD will now have a hopefully lovely sibling in her life. Try to be positive about it all and DD should pick up and take your lead.

Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 20:34

I'm sorry can I just point out before anyone jumps on me again.
I've not once blamed her for getting pregnant, it takes two!! Nor did I say she done it on purpose.
I said that she wrote what she did knowing I would see it, there have been other things shes done previously but i just ignore it, as soon as I saw it she deleted it, exdp didn't even know she'd written it until I asked him about it.

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 09/09/2019 20:37

Here is a big hug op it sounds like you need it . I'd maybe consider having a break from social media while things are so raw and she sounds immature and likely to try and cause friction between you and ex Flowers

akmum18 · 09/09/2019 20:40

Don’t get involved in her dramas be the bigger person, she’s probably insecure and jealous so just leave her to it. I’m sure it’s always hard having a partner who has a previous family and an ex who is always in their life, but it’s no excuse to be petty and spiteful at the end of the day it’s about the children and she sounds immature to have a baby Flowers

bluebeck · 09/09/2019 20:45

Block them both on Social Media. As time goes on, you will be repeatedly upset by seeing any posts - it's a form of self harm.

Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 20:52

You're right @bluebeck I do need to block him, I'm not connected on anything with her.

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 09/09/2019 21:04

Your DD will be fine if you put a positive spin on it, but reading your posts I worry that you're not going to do that.

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 09/09/2019 21:19

Feeling hurt is understandable and actually a very normal human reaction, but with time this feeling will pass as long as you do not compare yourself and your child to their relationship.

As for your daughter, it's vital you do not project your hurt to her and put a positive spin on this. Both yourself and your ex will need to be extra careful with her and ensure she does not feel as though she will be pushed aside.

I would suggest you do block this woman, her reservations in regards to you were not abnormal considering the relationship you did have with your ex despite being separated. However, being able to access her social media and seeing updates from her is not beneficial to you so block it out and continue to focus on co-parenting with him to make this change as easy as possible on your daughter.

Original poster
Ballsandbiscuits · 09/09/2019 21:19

For my dd of course I'll be positive and try my hardest to make things easy for her, but for myself it's hard because I have nobody to discuss my feelings with and as I said it's a big shock to the system.

OP posts: