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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSC and school uniform

77 replies

Sweetpeach3 · 09/09/2019 09:32

Ok so me and my DH have 6 kids all together soon to be 7- so he has 4 from previous relationships

His 2 oldest sons live with me and now attend college (one woman) , his DD is 10 (2nd woman) and his DS is 9 (3rd). Doesn't sound great I know it doesn't but things happen- judge as you wish! I have opinions on it also but....
Every year we get uniforms / college clothes at end of June, I like to be organised. This year the oldest boys didn't need anything and their mum (who actually claims for them even though they live with me, don't ask she's an utter arse isn't worth the argument for their sakes) said she would get the little things they need.... she text last Wednesday saying can we get their new coats an trainers for school as she hadn't! Really annoying the fact we never ask her for anythin an she does this the day before. We ignored her and just got them anyway we wouldn't let them go without even though it isn't bloody cheap !!
That's my first annoying mother to deal with
Second one - DH doesn't actually pay maintenance for her as we see her twice during the week and on a weekend she comes away to our holiday home with us and the agreement is we pay for all her activities- swimming cheerleading and gymnastics then a private tutor to help with math and English and her mum won't do any at home with her like we do (bbc bite sized etc) so she needs it when she's at home to help her as she gets upset in class because she struggles. We got her school coat, shoes and bag which cost us near 200£ this year as she knew what she wanted an the older lads pick their stuff also. Her mum just had to buy the basic uniform. We've been called rotten for this an tbh I don't think we've been unfair ? We go half for everything she has like clothes etc and she goes on how the other kids get treated better etc- they really don't Easter they all get the same stuff. Xmas they get the same so on... pissed off
Then number 3
She's an arsehole who doesn't let my DH see DS (he's known as the man who buys him things) Angrybut we pay for him and buy him every occasion and all for school but this year she sent a list with what she wanted. We got every single thing and asked to meet her with them as DS doesn't really know who we are Iv never met him neither have any of the other kids. Then she ignored us an didn't collect them? Why play such a stupid game!! I'm so annoyed I feel like we get walked over or am I wrong

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 09/09/2019 12:01

Lord, so all 7 are his kids, and by four different women.

And he calls you a slag regularly?

He's given you an STD (clearly cheating) and has secret social media (I'm guessing for that purpose).

He sounds like one of those men you see on Jeremy Kyle to be quite frank.

This man isn't worth being with. What makes you believe this is all you deserve?

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 12:04

OP your other thread makes it clear that you are really doing a great job with these children.

The exception being that they are witnessing this abuse. You sound more than capable of doing everything on your own, but I imagine that you have an attachment to the other children now and that you genuinely believe that deep down he is a nice person.

Could you seek to attend the freedom programme?

If you want to stay and work on this, which I assume that you do as you are having a baby, please keep your chin up and look after yourself as well as everyone else. You are amazing x

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 09/09/2019 12:46

He’s cheated on you? Sad and given you an STD? While pregnant?

He’s basically a sexually incontinent Tomcat.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2019 13:08

Oh it's you OP. Is your partner still calling you a slut? You think he's a great dad because you don't know any different. When he meets the 5th mother of his children he'll be telling her you're crazy as well.

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 09/09/2019 14:47

I only asked if I was unreasonable for been pissed off they always want money. Yes We would be better off paying maintenance but they cane to agreement behind closed doors he basically pays for everything for DSD. They know it works better for them as we don't earn a lot so by law they would get roughly 10 a week an they get triple that plus the extras. So not as if he doesn't pay as someone said. Also his 2 oldest live with us because their mum had 10 kids by the age of 30 and their all in care. We have the 2 she has with him. As for the one who is MIA I can't comment I really havnt dug into that just tried support him in what ever he's done in regards to it. Not my decision to make
Yea he can be a twat with me and iv always stuck around like an idiot I just love all the kids and what we have. We have our good and bad times like anyone else just the name calling. We've spoke about it and he's agreed is isn't fair or necessary and hasn't since he's been great - I may be optimistic but I hope it lasts for all our sake. We are a strong family unit tbh. We do all parents evenings together etc. It's all together an we make every decision as a unit

We wouldn't ever see any of the kids go with out. Money isn't an issue for me to have another child so baby number 3 for me is well and truly thought about and and I'm more then sure I can afford it.

People can be so bitter and nasty on this at times

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 09/09/2019 15:09

No one is bitter or nasty. Just more objective than you.
Fine, if you believe he’s mended his ways towards you and is a great dad - lucky you.
Just don’t fall into the trap of bitching about his exes, because you know damn well he hasn’t been well behaved in all of this.

Ellisandra · 09/09/2019 15:12

Can’t really see what the mother of the oldest two who live with you has done wrong. Your boyfriend’s choice not to claim their child benefit instead of her. His agreement was that she should buy the “little things”. I wouldn’t say trainers and coats are the little things. The little things are pencils!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 09/09/2019 15:29

You’re in cloud cuckoo land if you expect a mother of 10 who has had them all removed from her to stump up anything for them. What did you seriously expect?

SoupDragon · 09/09/2019 15:41

and what we have.

What you appear to "have" is an emotionally abusive relationship. Don't you think you are worth more than that?

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 15:50

OP the other house is paid up until next month and this is the prime time to genuinely reevaluate life and/or get help to make your decision more bearable.

Despite the tone on here, posters can see what you know deep down and are advising you based on what they would say to say their own DD.

I am not saying that you should leave right now, but I do believe that you could benefit from the freedom programme. It isn't judgemental and you will not be pressured to do anything at all. You will get genuine support from people who are in it too.

Sending you hugs

flirtygirl · 09/09/2019 15:50

Op is not ready to wake up, I was just saying something similar on another thread. Op will wake up when she's ready but for now she cannot see objectively.

It's hard to see the wood for the trees. But please op protect yourself and the kids, look into your options in any case. Forewarned is forearmed.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 15:57

‘People can be so bitter and nasty on this at times’ it’s upsetting to me to read that you feel this way about strangers on the internet but your partner can’t do no wrong. I really hope he didn’t give you an std whilst you’re pregnant, and I hope he doesn’t call you a slag.

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2019 16:00

People aren’t bitter and nasty - people are despairing of people like you and your DH bringing children into shitty dysfunctional relationships for them to grow up unhappy, scarred and making the same mistakes.

Your last thread was horrific yet there you ‘great dadding’ him like he’s not abusive.

I honestly wonder what goes on inside some people’s heads.

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2019 16:03

People can be so bitter and nasty on this at times

Eh? People are sick of seeing innocent children being brought into dysfunctional relationships. That's not being nasty. You have a choice to stay in this awful relation ship. Sadly your children don't.

pooopypants · 09/09/2019 16:19

people can be so bitter and nasty

Jeez OP. Consider that people have a different insight, based on the information provided. You asked for input, you got it.

It's a shit show and you're bringing another child into it.

And 'what we have'???? You have a ridiculous 'relationship' with someone who can't cover his cock properly and knocks up any woman who's unfortunate enough to sleep with him. But they're the crazy ones eh? It's always the exes, never the man.

Wake up OP, there are much bigger problems here than school uniform, you just don't like reading about them from other people.

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2019 16:25

People can be so bitter and nasty on this at times

That's often said by people who don't like the advice and guidance given.

Put it this way, if his ex had 10 kids by 30 and most were in care, either kids were the first couple or he knowingly had children with a woman who had that many kids and had proven not to be able to look after them. Id also given his history of painting exes as the bad ones question if there are 10kids.

We've spoke about it and he's agreed is isn't fair or necessary and hasn't since he's been great - I may be optimistic but I hope it lasts for all our sake
Until next time when he starts and you fall out and argue, and then you make up and he promises that he loves you and this time it really is the last time that happens... And then another baby is brought into a family where most children don't have healthy regular relationships with their parents and the two adults in this household are continuing to add more kids to the situation.
I'd love to see it last for you if the relationship is happy and healthy and everyone is thriving. Sadly, the reality is this is a relationship starting with an age power imbalance of a 31 year old man with a string of exes and children and a 17 year old child who now has 3 kids with him and has spent years hearing bad things about his exes and desperately doesn't want to realise that she is vulnerable and could all too easily be in their shoes.

People aren't being dicks to you OP. They're offering the benefit of wider experiences and some objectivity. You may not be willing or ready to hear it now, but in time something will happen and you'll think back to all these women on this thread.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/09/2019 16:27

You're very naïve. That's all I can say to be honest. I'm flabbergasted.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 16:50

@Waxonwaxoff0 I don’t think she is, I think this situation has unfortunately become far too normal and along with it being a first love and the amount of manipulation involved, it can’t be easy to see right from wrong.

Op, I beg you to discuss your situation with someone who is biased and deal with it from there.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 09/09/2019 18:09

I sat and had a conversation with my mum yesterday. We have found out that my ex has cheated on his wife again and she has left him. My mum was recalling all the times he cheated on me and treated me badly while we were together. Some occasions I didn’t realise she knew about. He was also my first love, met him at 17 and fell really hard for him, got pregnant and stayed for far longer than I ever should have. As we listed all the times he cheated (that we know of) and incidents of abuse (verbal and emotional stuff too) it became glaringly obvious to me that everyone around me knew what was happening at the time, I knew it too, my mum tried to talk me out of going back to him each time but I wouldn’t listen. There was something inside me that had to “prove them wrong”, prove that we were supposed to be together and we would last no matter what they all said. The reality is he was abusive to me and neglectful to our children (still is- doesn’t see them or pay anything for them) I knew it then but didn’t want to admit it. Until I had to. With hindsight I should have left long before I did. Before there were any babies to be hurt by him. I could have saved myself and my children a world of pain. But my pride, my stupid pride, made me stay. Pride! What sort of an excuse is that when my children ask me why I let him treat them like he did? How is pride in any way justification for letting someone call you names, put you down, tell you lies, cheat on you, walk all over you and treat you like shit on their shoe all because they are very charming sometimes when they’re not being mean? I have a different pride now. I have immense pride in the fact I put him out of our home and made it a safe place for our children. I have pride in the fact I made a very difficult but absolutely right decision to put our DC first above my own need to be in a relationship with a horrible man. I have pride in the fact I put an end to a cycle that would have been repeated in our children. There is a saying that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour- it has proven true in my Ex’s case, as his current wife has since found out. Your partner has a history of creating children in dysfunctional relationships. This is who he is, this is what he does. He will carry on doing it after you and he will tell his new girlfriends how awful a mother you are and why he doesn’t give you any money for them. Meanwhile you’ll be kneeling down and kissing the ground and thanking god that he is out of your life. If you’re smart, you’ll make that day sooner rather than later. You know, I know, and everyone on this thread knows who he is. Don’t let your pride fool you a minute longer.

womenspeakout · 09/09/2019 19:10

Bitter and nasty is rich considering the man who is supposed to love you is calling you a slag regularly, and we're merely defending you!

You think us calling him out is nasty, not him calling you a slag or giving you an STD?

Odd.

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 20:41

I've never read such a delusional load of crap.

RevealTheLegend · 09/09/2019 21:00

We have our good and bad times like anyone else just the name calling

No, that’s not a normal share of good and bad. And it breaks my heart that you think this is ok.

womenspeakout · 09/09/2019 21:35

Also his 2 oldest live with us because their mum had 10 kids by the age of 30 and their all in care.

They know it works better for them as we don't earn a lot so by law they would get roughly 10 a week

I'm sorry, he's got 6 kids and barely any money, so of course, he's having yet another kid.

The woman had 10 kids (I'm guessing she wasn't rolling in it either).

It's just crazy, have none of you ever heard of condoms? You can get them for free you know, the same with the pill.

GemmeFatale · 09/09/2019 21:45

You seem to have absorbed a lot of his attitude towards women. Why are you so judgemental about his ex with 10 kids? He is about to have 7 (that you’re aware of) and by the sound of it may well have others you don’t know about. He doesn’t do practical care of his children (that’s down to the mothers and you as his current squeeze) and barely pays for them (£30 a week might cover food, but not housing, school stuff, clothing, entertainment, electric/gas, etc, etc).

Julianne123 · 10/09/2019 09:39

Sweetpeach3. you knew what you were signing up for with all his ex's and kids.did you think you could change it all and make it perfect? You chose him.afraid you need to lump it,you made your bed etc.

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