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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby's 1st birthday

30 replies

Siarky45 · 08/09/2019 20:10

Hello all.

I need to know if IABU! I was at a kids role play with my 11mo DS and MIL last week and he was playing in the toy kitchen, I told her that the last time I took him there he LOVED the kitchen so I was going to buy him one for his first birthday at the end of this month (27th Sept). She said that it was a great idea and if I thought of any other ideas of things they could get him for the kitchen I.e pots pans etc to let them know. My partner dropped our son to their house today as he was spending the afternoon there and when he comes back from dropping him off he tells me that they have bought him a massive toy kitchen with pots & pans, toaster, coffee maker and all the bits of fake food, the whole shebang. I am just beyond upset and so angry that this has happened. He's a lucky baby and is just very much loved but I just feel like this is a massive kick in the teeth?! They then sent us pictures of him playing with the kitchen and said how much he loved it and I said we were going to buy him a kitchen for his birthday and MIL just said well you can just buy him one for your house. Is this not just super odd behaviour?! Am I being unreasonable for thinking this was a calculated move? Help Confused

OP posts:
aibutohavethisusername · 08/09/2019 20:17

They are CF but you could still get him one for his birthday.

Iloveacurry · 08/09/2019 20:20

Best not to tell her anything again about what you may or may not buy for your child.

Thegracefuloctopus · 08/09/2019 20:35

This would piss me off. YANBU. Id have to get H to say something though. That's out of order

AlpacaGoodnight · 08/09/2019 21:03

They are CF! I would still get him one for his birthday and then never tell them again what you are getting him until he actually has it!

simplekindoflife · 08/09/2019 21:07

That's a bit mean of your mil! What a strange thing to do...

But I don't think you can say anything as you'll come across as ungrateful and precious, unfortunately.

Chalk it up to experience - and never tell her your ideas again!

Embracelife · 08/09/2019 21:10

What s the issue?
He has one there.
He will have one at home.
What do you want to happen?
Should they send it back?

Dont say anything in future if you want to be "first".
But he is not yet one. He doesn't care.
Just learn from this and dont say anything next time.

Laiste · 08/09/2019 21:12

A few years ago there was a thread just like this except it was xmas and the present was a dolls house.

I agree there is nothing much to be done about this now except for it to have taught you something about MIL.

To prevent it ever happening again guard what info. you give out from now on.

Howlovely · 08/09/2019 21:13

That is a really shitty thing to do and your MIL knew exactly what she was doing. I'd be really annoyed with her and don't think I'd be able to hide it either. Don't tell her anything again and frequently remind her and your husband why.

Wheelerdeeler · 08/09/2019 21:16

It's very hurtful and we had similar happen even ds was little.

Fast forward 10 years and we are all really close and it's his 11th birthday this week. Mil rang me earlier to ask me what to get him.

We didn't make a huge deal about it but did keep our present ideas a secret. It was all borne out of pure excitement and love.

If you can see that as the motivation then it's easier to accept but if there are other things at play it's more difficult.

JustMe81 · 08/09/2019 21:21

I have stopped telling my parents what we’re buying for exactly this reason. Yes it’s nice they’re excited, it’s nice they want to buy gifts but imo it’s ruined by trying to one up the parents.

Original poster
Siarky45 · 08/09/2019 21:31

@Embracelife The issue isn't that he can't have two of one thing, he has two of many things for each house I.e trikes, cots, Dumbos - he absolutely goes mad for Dumbo and has to give Dumbo at least 20 bosies a day. The issue is the way it happened, it felt like it was an attempted "one up" on me, it took me by surprise because I had said that's what I wanted to buy him and it was just a bit weird she took part in the conversation even gushing that it was a great idea to then just jump the gun and buy him it before I did. I guess the issue is that ive realised our seemingly friendly chat was a fishing exercise for information rather than genuine interest in what I had planned for him. I totally acknowledge that it is mostly for my selfish benefit to see him opening it and playing with it for the first time. Seeing as he's a baby that poops his pants multiple times a day and often eats his food with the handle of the spoon, I do realise it is doubtful he is going to recognise that mummy bought me this kitchen. I would never ask them to send it back, I would just ask them to be respectful of boundaries but I think you're right, learn from this and just keep shtum if I want to be the first!

OP posts:
Snooky84 · 08/09/2019 21:39

Haha happen to a friend of mine for the first and second birthday. She got wize to this and now plans what she would like to buy (or should I say like grandparents to buy) so far they have got a massive fools house and a big play swing slide set for the garden from the grandparents Then she get ds what she wanted to get. Next year aim big and see what happens Wink

Snooky84 · 08/09/2019 21:40

Sorry that should say dolls house

CluelessNewMama · 08/09/2019 21:51

I totally get why this would bother you, you wanted the enjoyment of seeing him open and play with it. I’d be pissed off too. Maybe MIL just thought it would be nice for him to have two if he likes it so much, but you know her so are best placed to judge her motivations. Agree with others, I’d just be careful what you say in future.

Lemoneeza · 08/09/2019 21:55

this is a common problem. your ds is not adversely affected by this at all, so don't lose any sleep over it. just don't tell mil your gift plans in future. or slip her some red herrings.

EmmiJay · 08/09/2019 22:09

One up her (MIL). Buy DS a tiny Ferrari that he can sit in. I joke but that is quite a spiteful thing for her to do.

deste · 08/09/2019 22:29

My grandaughter was one last week and I bought her a toy kitchen, (still in the box) because she is not ready for it. I bought it and everything you could possibly buy for it about eleven months ago. I was so excited I couldn’t wait. I babysit three days a week so it makes sense to have it here. She also has a smaller one at her mums. Mum wasn’t annoyed, she could not have cared less because it’s not a competition.

NoSauce · 08/09/2019 22:33

I think she could have waited till after his birthday personally so you could have the “glory” but I don’t see anything wrong with her buying the kitchen for her house.

Neveam · 08/09/2019 22:49

That's pretty inconsiderate. I would be really annoyed and would probably ask why they/she got it when you had already planned to. You might be able to get him one still but that's not the point.

I can tell "in laws" what we're getting the kids and I know they wouldn't go out and try to get it first. They would get something else.

Bibijayne · 08/09/2019 23:00

What a bitch. She knew what she was doing.

Pull back and involve her less. Find alternative childcare if she's providing it.

Bibijayne · 08/09/2019 23:03

Exactly @Neveam - my parents and ILs coordinated with us and each other over birthday gifts.

Sunshine93 · 08/09/2019 23:04

She's obviously not a very nice person and I think this was a deliberate act so keep her arms length and don't tell her anything in the future.

Try and console yourself with the fact that he is too young to understand any of this and will be just as thrilled to see the one he gets on his birthday. He's too young to understand that he's already got one at their house. Tell yourself that it's good you have found this out now so she can't do this when he's old enough to have a better understanding.Also remember first birthdays are really Important but mainly for the parents. Children can't remember it and aren't really old enough to really enjoy opening presents or appreciate your efforts. I say this as comfort more than anything.

How you feel is normal by the way. My DD is 2 in a few weeks and I know she won't have any idea who got her what or even that they were for her birthday. She's my third as well. I still want to be the one to get her the "special" gift. The thing that she will be most excited about. It's a parent' prerogative I suppose.

OneSliceIsNeverEnough · 08/09/2019 23:35

I'm sure I've missed the point and I can only speak for myself, but personally I'd be delighted. It's an expensive toy and yes she could have run it past you but she probably saw it in a shop and got excited.

I'd just personally be happy. I'd use my money to get something else nice for him. I got my ds a little piano which he adores. I do wish I had the means to get a kitchen though.

Just my opinion though. (Ducks)

SquintEastwood · 08/09/2019 23:45

My MIL done this when DD was 3.

We live a few hours away and she was here to stay for the week in October, we got talking about Christmas and what to get the kids - I said I didn't know as the only thing DD wanted from Santa was a double pram for her dolls so we were just going to get that.

Sure enough later that evening she nips to the shops and makes a big fuss about having a surprise for DD, a twin pram for her dolls 🙄

I wasn't annoyed that she bought her something, it was a lovely gesture but I was furious that she had gone out of her way to get the one thing that I said DD wanted from Santa and just handed it to her for no reason!

TheBananaStand2 · 08/09/2019 23:53

Am I the only one who feels a little heartbroken for grandma here, who is perhaps thinking she’s just being extra generous, buying grandchild something she’s been told they’ll really love?! I’ve got to also point out, it’s not the norm for grandparents to have big ticket items at theirs, as well as at dgcs’ homes - I would love it if my dc’s grandparents would buy them some big toys and also keep them at theirs - so a different perspective on the considerable generosity here might make your world seem a little sunnier. Not everything your in-laws do is a competition, at least not in their eyes...