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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Portrait with ex's family

27 replies

JellyCatFish · 08/09/2019 18:10

So my ex mil wants a big family photoshoot and wants me to be on there for dd's sake apparently. Aibu to want to rather stick pins in my eyes or would you grin and bear it?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 08/09/2019 18:12

I think it’s quite sweet she still thinks of you as one of the family, but if you’re not comfortable then just politely say so

Hannah021 · 08/09/2019 18:17

if the photo is for your DD, I think it's really sweet of her to step over her feelings and to want her DD to see her dad in the photo.
I think you should go for your DD's sake, the fact, you feel you don't belong there is really sad. You DD deserves better from you.

Original poster
JellyCatFish · 08/09/2019 18:19

My dd deserves better from me Hmm ok

OP posts:
Sparklyring · 08/09/2019 18:47

I think its lovely she wants you to be involved.

pistolknight · 08/09/2019 18:50

I wouldn’t do it. You might be amicable but it’s not a true reflection of family life. Surely it’s more about your mil keeping up appearances

Original poster
JellyCatFish · 08/09/2019 18:57

It's nice that she wants me to be involved but at the same time it's just a false representation of the family. I don't want to plaster a false smile on my face, to please other people. I do everything for dd unlike their son so me not being there for a photo won't harm anything surely

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 08/09/2019 18:59

Vote for Pins in the eyes from me 👍

mankyfourthtoe · 08/09/2019 19:00

Can you afford to organise one of your half of her family?
If so explain to xmil that that will make more sense to dd, but you appreciate her offer.

ChangeItChild · 08/09/2019 19:04

I think it's sweet that she doesn't want to exclude you. However, I agree it isn't a true representation of the family, and I would feel comfortable (agree with pins in eyes!) also might be a bit confusing for DD?

I think you need to politely buy firmly decline.

theculture · 08/09/2019 19:11

I suspect she'll be fine with you not doing it, but it felt wrong to her for her not to offer you the chance to be in there for DDs sake

Does your ex have a new DP?

Qwerty19 · 08/09/2019 19:14

I'd sooner shit in my hands and clap.. For my ds or not I wouldn't.. I'd say no I don't feel comfortable with that and we have plenty of our own family pics

BlockedAndDeleted · 08/09/2019 19:21

What was/is your relationship with your MIL like!

Was she kind to you?

Some MILs always think of their GCs other parent as part of the family regardless of how their relationship status with their son/daughter.

But if it’s just to save face in some bizarre way, then nah.

BlockedAndDeleted · 08/09/2019 19:24

Sorry that should’ve been a ? Not a !

What was/is your relationship with your MIL like?

thebakerwithboobs · 08/09/2019 19:25

It's just a false representation of the family

Whose family? It's not a false representation of your daughter's family, surely? I'm presuming you wouldn't be in every photo, but I know I would have loved to have a photo with my grandparents and both parents in it, I still would! My parents didn't even have a photo taken together with me at my graduation or my wedding.

Whatever you decide I think it's very sweet of your MIL to consider it for your daughter.

Original poster
JellyCatFish · 08/09/2019 19:34

@BlockedAndDeleted my relationship with MiL has always been turbulent, never really seen eye to eye until her son pissed off to work abroad to leave me parenting alone. We're friendly for dds sake

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyCatFish · 08/09/2019 19:35

@thebakerwithboobs it would be a representation of who's in dd's family for certain, but all together? Not so much. I have zero time for her dad so to put on a happy face for his family just feels wrong

OP posts:
lavenderbluedilly · 08/09/2019 19:38

You DD deserves better from you.

Bollocks to that. You’ve no idea what the dynamics are in this family. I would not have taken part in a photo shoot with my DC’s father’s family either.

BlockedAndDeleted · 08/09/2019 19:39

Oh, sometimes you hear of a positive In-Law relationship that carries on after a relationship breakdown.

So does she just want the ‘picture perfect family’ image for show?

Or to make it look like everything’s amicable so therefore son’s behaviour wasn’t an issue?

I’d go with your gut tbh.

Hannah021 · 08/09/2019 19:39

It's not fake representation that you have a biological link to that family!
You need to change your mindset from "I don't belong to that family after leaving their daughter" to "my daughter deserves to have her father beside her in her family photos"

You're not putting yourself in your daughter's position, we have so many family photos of all of us , and it's such a laugh to look back at these photos and point each other out and "there is mum and there is dad"... I really wonder how little girls (and boys for that matter) with separated parents feel when they look back and think "but my dad is not there"... its really sad, it might not mean something to you, but I'm sure having you there will mean something to her.

Number3or4 · 08/09/2019 19:43

I would do it. If it won't harm you. Yes, it will hurt your pride, but how does your dd feel about it? Will it reassure her yes, both of parents are separated but they can remain civil and be comfortable enough with my other side of the family. It is very awkward when both sides of family hate each other but provide each other with good enough lip service to make other people think they are happy. If your dd is happy/ able to over come negatively that would come afterwards then leave it.

Pikapikachooo · 08/09/2019 19:45

Don’t do it . It’s only a photo . Really
Just be really gushingly nice as you tell her NO

Dollymixture22 · 08/09/2019 19:58

Can’t believe someone said you dd deserves better - you are dithering over a socially awkward photo shoot, not considering putting her to work down the mines😂😂😂😂

thebakerwithboobs · 08/09/2019 19:58

have zero time for her dad so to put on a happy face for his family just feels wrong

YOU have zero time for her Dad but I'm assuming your daughter doesn't feel the same way. Ask her if she would like a photo of you all together-without making any comment about her awful father, obviously-and see what she thinks. Irrespective of the situation now, your child presumably exists because you could once see her father's redeeming features. She loves you both, being able to have you both in one picture is lovely for her.

(She might think differently!)

thebakerwithboobs · 08/09/2019 20:00

But also this:

Can’t believe someone said you dd deserves better - you are dithering over a socially awkward photo shoot, not considering putting her to work down the mines😂😂😂😂

It is not the crime of the century against motherhood if you don't....

RedHelenB · 08/09/2019 20:04

I'm sure your dd would like to have it so if you could bear doing it I think you should. Whatever has happened your ex are her parents. I feel a bit sad for my youngest that there is no photo of me and my ex with him but that's life I suppose!