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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son needs to move out, but how!

44 replies

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 14:36

I am 50 and my wife 60. My 32 year old step daughter left home 2 years ago to live with her boyfriend. My 30 year old step son is still living at home and has a well paid job around £600pw. He pays us £200 per month (£50pw). He has a motorhome and 2 cars about 10 years old and worth £4500 each. My wife and I have 15 year old cars worth about £500 each. His girlfriend seems to come over and stay in out house from Friday to Sunday and the occasional day during the week she is also 28 years old and has a car only 5 years old and worth around £4000. My wife and I both work around 30 hours a week each in non skilled work on minimum wage. He is going on a 2 week holiday to Japan in a few time and his girlfriend is going on a 2 week holiday to Mexico. My wife and our dog went to the New Forest for 4 days on holiday during August. My wife and I do all the; shopping, cooking, laundry, tidying and cleaning in the house. My wife makes our sons lunch every morning for him to take to work. She does all his washing, puts it in the airing cupboard and even puts it out for him. He does nothing around the house. His girlfriend cooks for him when she comes round and leaves the kitchen untidy. As you might realise the budget is tight being on minimum wage but they both switch on all the light they can where ever they are in the house and leave them on. My step son has a bath every 2 days and they both have showers every day. Again hot water and lots of water which increases bills. The girlfriend has even started parking in the one space on the driveway when we are out and I am at work every day. She also fills the fridge with things she brings on the Friday for the weekend. On the odd occasion we even end up cooking for them both. My wife says she likes them being around? I am stuck and feel trapped as I have suggested she should do less but nothing doing and thought it best he move out but only able to say this to my wife as it is tricky with a step son. I have been his step dad since he was 11. So any suggestions for this situation would be so helpful as it drives a wedge between me and my wife

OP posts:

BabySharkDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDoDo · 08/09/2019 14:45

I would just bring it up in conversation what his plans are for the future. Surely he wants his own space!

Bananalanacake · 08/09/2019 14:50

Ask him when he wants to move out, I'd have hated living with my parents any longer than 21, couldn't wait to get out and have my own space. Could your wife refuse to do his washing,

DishingOutDone · 08/09/2019 14:54

I agree with BabyShark - you and your wife, or your wife on her own, need to ask him directly what his plans are and see if he can move out ASAP maybe before Christmas or directly afterwards. January is a good time for a new rental.

Do you and your wife jointly own the house (or jointly rent it?)- if your wife refuses to discuss this then I think your issue is with her, not your step-son.

amy85 · 08/09/2019 14:55

So but you and your wife have made it far to easy for him!!!! Of course he's in no rush to move out he gives you £200 a month for everything...he knows he's onto a good thing and that he couldn't afford his current lifestyle if he moved out

Time for you both to man up and have a conversation with him....either he pays his way properly and pulls his weight around the house or he has to move out

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 14:56

My wife says she likes them being around?

Your basic problem summed up in one sentence.

amy85 · 08/09/2019 14:56

*sorry but not so but

Snugglepumpkin · 08/09/2019 15:00

£50pw is a token payment leaving him £550 a week pocket money basically.
I doubt you could even get a bedsit or room in a house for that never mind food etc..

I'd never move out if I could have that along with all meals cooked, laundry done & tidying up etc...

You are not charging him enough to be fair on yourselves.
Realistically you must be spending more than £50 each week in food/utilities, misc house costs etc..
I'd put it up to £150 a week at least & ask for him to pay for a cleaner to help his mother out with the extra work that needs to be done because of his girlfriend coming round each weekend.

AJPTaylor · 08/09/2019 15:02

You and your wife need to be on the same page. It should not be awkward. For a start, 50 a week is laughable. You should not be subsidising him. Tell him it's 500.

JoJoSM2 · 08/09/2019 15:07

Your wife is as much the problem as him. Speak to her and tell her you're not happy about him living at yours and being subsidised.

Original poster

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 15:12

Hi All, You are saying exactly what I have been saying to my wife and all the comments are so valuable. Thank you! The tricky thing here is my wife knowing how I feel and you have all summed it up between you. Unfortunately my wife is not willing to step up and tell him. Whoops! We own the house jointly by the way. I have wanted to tell him outright but my wife doesn't want me to do this. This is her 2nd marriage (my first). We have been married for 16 years. The guilt thing from my wife's 1st split comes in and thinks she is to blame for any negatives so doesn't want him to leave and struggle. I have already started to look for bedsits but cannot afford additional costs. I don't want to be saying its him or me, that is so cliché plus I cannot afford to move out of my own house.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2019 15:15

Unfortunately my wife is not willing to step up and tell him.

Key point is does she lack the assertiveness to do so (which can be helped) or is she telling you what you want to hear and she actualy wants him to stay.

Sunshine93 · 08/09/2019 15:21

I would have a very serious conversation with her. If she refuses to speak to him and refuses to stop doing his washing and making his lunch (wtf!?) Then how about separating your finances and telling her that you are no longer prepared to subsidise him? It's not as extreme as leaving her but protects you a bit

Original poster

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 15:21

Hi, I think she is so attached to him (she tells me!) as he didn't do so well at school (plus previous divorce) and now believes he needs to still be nurtured. He also has a temper and can be 'moody' which comes out and yes assertiveness is an issue so spot on. He doesn't respect boundaries and if he wanted to get to the sink, through a door or a table he will expect you to step out of the way etc.. rather than wait if you are busy...

OP posts:

Sunshine93 · 08/09/2019 15:22

Obviously if you were both on the same page then a conversation with him would be needed. She stops doing his dirty work. You make a list of chores and up his contribution significantly. This was he will have the incentive to leave.

Original poster

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 15:24

On the finance side, my wife now has her pension, came through last month and tell me she will give me more for the bills from her pension to cover anything our son (step son) doesn't not cover. I told her this is not the answer and that this is rewarding someone for not doing something and she pays for it.

OP posts:

PonderingPanda · 08/09/2019 15:26

Honestly...your wife is pathetic and needs to get her own life rather then trying to still be mummykins to a little boy.

Ds1 is 16yrs old with Autism and other diagnoses so it would be very easy to keep him at home...but I'm not. I'm pushing him to become independent for his own sake as I'm not going to be around for ever.

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 15:27

Next time you are all eating together surely that's the time to bring up bill - that the bills slips 3 ways comes to £x per month and food is £y per week so he needs to start paying £z...

Have your fact and figures straight so no-one can argue!

Ultimately are you prepared to chose between your marriage and your finances?

messolini9 · 08/09/2019 15:28

You need to say everything you put in your OP to your wife.

Meantime - why is DSS paying so little rent? Doing no housework? Getting his packed lunch made & driven to work by mummy despite having 2 of his own cars? Installing his g/f & expecting similar hotel service for her? Leeching off you while able to afford swank holidays, which you cannot?

Never mind the step-relationship.
This is your home, paid for by YOUR work, & you have parented this manchild for over 2 decades. You have a right to a say!

Your wife needs to realise that she has raised a spoiled brat, & that she is putting his comfort ahead of yours.

Millyanon · 08/09/2019 15:34

Is your line having your step son living with you, or not pulling his weight, with housework and financially?

If it's the former, then you will have to decide if you are willing to leave, or put up, as your wife has made her position clear. This is not a problem with your step son. It is a problem that your wife wants him around.

If it is the latter, you may have room to discuss this with your wife. Ideally as a 30 year old man, surely he should offer to split all the bills at least three ways (plus a bit because of his girlfriend) and pay for his groceries, let alone a nominal room charge. Even if you set some of it aside to give to him when he does leave (more likely when it's not such a free ride). He is a grown man. Encourage your wife to stop infantilising him and cleaning after him like a young child. As PP said, let him do his own chores (he should be helping you, at his age, not the other way round) or get him to pay for a cleaner to help.

madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 15:35

Your wife is raising a dreadful human being. She does everything for him, cleaning, washing and ironing yet he doesn't seem to notice neither of you are well off or doesn't care and only pays the absolute minimum.
I'd be absolutely raging.
He may move out at some stage to get married and then repeat the isle slob behaviour with a wife.
Sadly it's too late. Son is a selfish, entitled prick who will never change.

DishingOutDone · 08/09/2019 15:41

OP are you not happy in general? Or is it specifically just this issue (although that's big enough on its own!) Why would you talk about moving out? If you split up, the house gets sold unless the son wants to buy you out, but are you at that stage?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 08/09/2019 15:41

Your wife needs to stop carrying guilt for twenty years ago. Does she put that on herself, or does he bring it up?

Original poster

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 15:44

Hi, I like the idea of the increase being put aside. This might be the answer. He pays the amount which should be due but he doesn't have it to spend as he pleases but has it when it is need to move out. That might well be one of the answers.

OP posts:

Original poster

denmead4143 · 08/09/2019 15:47

She carries her own guilt, no mention of it from him. Also yes I agree the son needs to relearn how to be a helpful person and recognise others and their needs. I am also saying this throughout. I always used this as a method of developing the whole child during my teaching career and as a deputy head in schools, independence early on. That is why it is so so frustrating.

OP posts:

ChangeOfTides · 08/09/2019 15:49

If your wife won’t do it, you have to. This isn’t a healthy situation for anybody and he can afford to move out. I think it’s unusual that you wife isn’t ready for him to move out at 30. Is it that she wants him to move out but doesn’t have the assertiveness to deal with it or does she really enjoy having him there? How’s your marriage generally? Is she avoiding having to live with just you?

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