My son needs to move out, but how!

[denmead4143]

I am 50 and my wife 60. My 32 year old step daughter left home 2 years ago to live with her boyfriend. My 30 year old step son is still living at home and has a well paid job around £600pw. He pays us £200 per month (£50pw). He has a motorhome and 2 cars about 10 years old and worth £4500 each. My wife and I have 15 year old cars worth about £500 each. His girlfriend seems to come over and stay in out house from Friday to Sunday and the occasional day during the week she is also 28 years old and has a car only 5 years old and worth around £4000. My wife and I both work around 30 hours a week each in non skilled work on minimum wage. He is going on a 2 week holiday to Japan in a few time and his girlfriend is going on a 2 week holiday to Mexico. My wife and our dog went to the New Forest for 4 days on holiday during August. My wife and I do all the; shopping, cooking, laundry, tidying and cleaning in the house. My wife makes our sons lunch every morning for him to take to work. She does all his washing, puts it in the airing cupboard and even puts it out for him. He does nothing around the house. His girlfriend cooks for him when she comes round and leaves the kitchen untidy. As you might realise the budget is tight being on minimum wage but they both switch on all the light they can where ever they are in the house and leave them on. My step son has a bath every 2 days and they both have showers every day. Again hot water and lots of water which increases bills. The girlfriend has even started parking in the one space on the driveway when we are out and I am at work every day. She also fills the fridge with things she brings on the Friday for the weekend. On the odd occasion we even end up cooking for them both. My wife says she likes them being around? I am stuck and feel trapped as I have suggested she should do less but nothing doing and thought it best he move out but only able to say this to my wife as it is tricky with a step son. I have been his step dad since he was 11. So any suggestions for this situation would be so helpful as it drives a wedge between me and my wife

I know I don't want to split or sell etc.. hence I am now here. It is just this issue. Your ideas are helpful, as I couldn't see where to go from what I have tried so far.

Well if your wife won't behave with some self respect and prioritise your marriage you will have to decide whether to put up with it or move out.

Partly I think, the unknown. It has always been more than just us of course. She is scared of what just us means (plus the dog of course - who is lovely)

relearn how to be a helpful person

Has he ever behaved like one?

Your wife needs counselling so she can unpick her issues with letting her son have his own life and her own.

My mum was the same when l grew up. Completely fell apart as she had lost her "role" and purpose in life.

She needs to get her own interests to focus her nurturing on. Maybe volunteering in the local hospital to help feed the elderly would be ideal.

you need to have a talk with your wife.this sounds so tough for you and i sorry.
does she want him to leave?
sorry to aks but do you get on with your son.in only ask becasue after so long id see him as my son and you keep mentioning the step in your posts.
but also afte rthis long you are his dad.and i sorry id say you have every right to have your say.
there is a point when kids can live at home.and i not one of those on her that thinks it clear cut,especially with more mental health and living costs etc.but this is different because he is using you both and not seemingly being appreciative in both voice and action of help.
ive seen people co habit and it can be tough on all but actually work out ok. but that is give and take from both sides to make it work.

i know you said in your title for him to move out.do yo uwant this.or jsut to pay his way and help.
did she treat your daughtr the same or is this more a case of her little "prince" and so how does you dd feel?

It is MADNESS for her to subsidise her Ds and his Gf from her pension.

The Ds should be paying at least double the rent you charge him.

Guerilla tactics: secretly fiddle with the shower and make it run cold whenever they use it. Take up a hobby that stinks the house out (brewing or tanning leather) , walk about naked on the landing whenever gf is there, start keeping tarantulas and say ‘Oh, one escaped let me know if you see it in your room’, get some mates in for a fake seance and declare that there is a presence in their bedroom that your mates communicate with.

The Gf will insists he gets his own place in no time.

Hi, She has a job working with the elderly 30 hours a week as a coordinator in a rest home. So works hard enough I think. So that's not an issue.

Guerilla tactics:......
Hi, Interestingly enough I have started to fiddle with the heating and water and considered the naked thing out of the bathroom lol

Hi,
I think it is out. As he doesn't seem to both pay his way and respect our time and effort, with no input into the household running it is to late to change his ways. I wanted him to be different but as a step father had no input on that side at all. My son does ask me about important things that are financial or legal etc.. I am the go to guy. His father lives 1 mile down the road and even gives him 1 days work for 4 hours work.

How about doing an complete breakdown on all the household expenses. All the outgoings and all the money coming in. Show your stepson how little he contributes and see if that encourages him to pay his way.

What actually do you want?
Your wife has her pension and is working part time and looking after her son.
You are working part time. What do you do with your spare time?
Do you want to include your wife in that?

Hi, I am doing this right now, great suggestion, thank you. I will include all the jobs we do as well around the house and for the household.

Hi, I tend to be like a house husband when not working; shopping, dog walking, laundry, hoovering, washing etc... So my wife doesn't have to do it or stop her doing it.

Hi,
I must thank everyone for their comments and suggestions on this thread. I will look at everything and consider the replies. They are all so valuable to refocus myself and what I am really looking to achieve here as the best result for everyone to live a happy life.

Tell your wife she is doing your DS absolutely no favours by babifying him like she is. How is he ever going to cope in the real world when he has to start paying rent and bills and doing his own shopping, cooking, washing and everything else for himself? It's just ridiculous! Do something now, or before you know it you'll have a 50yr old (probably single, sad and lonely, because no woman in their right mind would wanna take that on) man hanging around sucking the life out of you while you're trying to manage on your pension and hobbling round after him on your zimmer frames

Your wife is being unfair. Your home is both of yours. She is treating your son as if he is still a dependent in some ways. If I were you I want would want to kick that big overgrown bird out the nest he earns enough money to get a place. But understand you don't have the support and it's tricky being your step son. I feel for you as it sounds like your stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she won't want him out it makes it very hard. If he stays you should charge him more and include the fact his girlfriend is taking as well. Your wife is really doing him no favours still doing his laundry cleaning up after them (my bils mum does this and I don't respect him as a man tbh. His mum pampers him and still does him and his wife's laundry, brings them meals because she thinks they don't eat enough home cooked meals..but I digress) You have every right to tell your wife how you feel as I wouldn't be happy if I were you to and you should at least compromise some sort of change.

Please don't walk around naked when his gf is there, that's so unpleasant.