In thinking there is no escape from emotional abuse?

[Redleopard]

Apologies if this is too long, or if I get something wrong, I’ve never posted before and have only now found the courage to do this. I’ve managed domestic abuse services for about 25 years now. And yet I’m in an abusive and toxic relationship which I can see no escape from.
I met him about 2 years ago and with hindsight ignored all the red flags. He was charming, exciting, love bombed me and I fell for it. He encouraged me to take risks and be spontaneous which was a world away from my norm. He was a strange mix of childlike naivety with streetwise ‘bad lad’ behaviours- I didn’t for one minute think I’d fall in love with him or have a future with him and I thought I could have a bit of fun with someone worlds apart from my sensible world.

As time passed I fell hard. And his behaviour worsened. He’s never been physically violent but is verbally aggressive and abusive, controlling, manipulative, treats me like dirt, constantly lies, gaslights me and has taken thousands of pounds from me leaving me struggling with debts. He threatens suicide regularly. He threatens to tell my family/friends/work lies that would ruin me.

I constantly walk on eggshells with my stomach in knots, I’ve lost 3 stone since meeting him as I can’t eat properly I’m so nervous. I average about 3 hours sleep a night. I sometimes think of suicide but don’t have any plans to do this. I’m usually scared of what he will do/say next. He is paranoid, has zero empathy, lets me down when I need him, sabotages important events, ignores me for weeks then refuses to discuss it. He shuts down conversation and I’m left unable to express myself or resolve anything. I’m scared of him now. But I crave his attention, drop everything for him day or night and he continues to behave appallingly as he can - and as I allow him to. I can’t give specific examples as I’m terrified of identifying me or him and the impact that could have on myself and my job.

He has intense mood swings and is so unpredictable, further complicated by a coke habit and mental health problems - doctors have discussed cluster b personality disorders with him - but obviously the cocaine use and abusive behaviours cloud any ability to diagnose. Neither of us have children so thankfully that’s not an issue.

I am a shell of my former self. I’m so isolated and am off work long term sick because of this. My friends and family don’t know the half of it. I can’t discuss this with friends or colleagues as I’m meant to be the expert on this, I’m meant to advise the staff on this not be a victim myself. I know exactly what to do but find it utterly impossible. I know how narcissists behave. I know exactly what he does and I know I’m trauma bonded. I love him. I think of nothing but him. I crave his attention and when things are fleetingly good it’s like a flood of dopamine rushing through me.

I’m so desperately unhappy, I’ve lost myself. I had a career, savings, was respected in my field and now I guess I see no way out - because of my job I know exactly what has happened and why I’m in this mess, I also know what I’m supposed to do. But I just can’t see me ever escaping this.

So my aibu is I suppose - aibu in thinking this is my life now? And that if the so called expert falls into this toxic mess it really can happen to anybody because abusers are so bloody good at it..?

This might be your life for now, but it's not your life forever. You can get free of this abuse, you really can. But you do need to ask for all the help you can get, and work really hard at freeing yourself.

Don't tell him what you're doing. Get advice. Put everything in place. You can do this.

Thank you, I’ve said the same so many times before. It’s only now I really understand how impossible it can seem.

Are you living with him?

Op my best friend is in an almost identical relationship and its horrible to watch and not be able to help.
All i can do is sympathise and wish you all the strength in the world because that is the only thing that will get you out of this situation.

You may be the expert but even experts can get caught out. Talk to someone in your circle who is more of an acquaintance than a close friend, family member or colleague. Choose someone you know has seen and dealt with a lot of crap in their life as they would be less likely to judge you.

Also if someone threatens suicide if you leave them they clearly have the problem. I would encourage you to leave and have absolutely no contact regardless of the rest of their behaviour. Unfortunately until you do this then any support you get given won't help you.

He lives here when he feels like it, he disappears for days and I have no idea when he’ll turn up. I own my house.
He threatens suicide if I refuse to give him money, refuse to buy him something, refuse to pick him up etc and I’ve stopped refusing, believe me I know how fucked up and unhealthy this is.

Are you ready to chuck him out permanently?

@Redleopard its really important that you confide in somebody, the only way to get out of this is with support. He is counting on you feeling ashamed so that you WON'T tell anyone what has been going on. The man is a vile wretch, who has broken you, but you can come back from this. Please, please contact Womens Aid for advice, and tell a friend or relative, or colleague. The people closest to you will have noticed a change in you, let them in. Good luck OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 💜

Honest answer; no I’m not ready. I know I should. Half of me says this is because the bond (however unhealthy and harmful) is still too strong, the other half is I’m scared of what he’d do.

@DeniseRoyal I know just what a victim I’ve become because my immediate response is ‘yes he can be vile but he’s so lovely and you don’t know him’ it’s terrifying what I’ve become.
It feels so hard because I know all of this, I know it as I’ve worked in and studied it for years, there’s no learning or lightbulb moment, I feel so stuck.

Half of me says this is because the bond (however unhealthy and harmful) is still too strong, the other half is I’m scared of what he’d do

Could you see a way at some point, when he's threatening to do whatever to himself, to sit back - just once - and see what happens? very likely nothing

It can happen to anybody. ANYBODY.

Talk to somebody. Don't be ashamed it's gone this far. They won't judge you, eithet.

But if it helps you to take the plunge, feel free to feel ashamed if you let this continue to destroy you. If it helps you.

You’ve made the first step by acknowledging your position. The second step was sharing on MN for other people’s input. Next step, Women’s Aid, your local council’s domestic abuse unit, people in real life who can help. Don’t tell him. You will soon be ready to be rid of him.

Being the expert doesn’t make you immune. But now you have started on a path to recovery, you’ll be able to put your knowledge to good use.

What is it you're sacred of in particular if you end this? Him hurting you, him hurting himself or you going through the heartbreak? He won't hurt himself. His threats are to manipulate you. You know this. Even if he does, so what? It's not your responsibility. Put measures in place so he can't hurt you. You may have to go through heartache but you will be so much better off without him.

Don't let shame stop you. That would be the worst thing you could do.

My abuser is still in my life as we have DC but my life is immeasurably better not being in a relationship with him.

I think you might be able to transform the shame?/guilt? you're feeling into a powerful tool to help you be more effective at helping other people who're in similar circumstances. No, it shouldn't have happened, but the lived experience might give you an extra bit of professional skill in time to come.

Or, you might decide you want to jump out of domestic violence work into doing something else - I imagine you've got lots of transferrable skills.

Is it likely you were targeted because of your job? Is there a way for you to warn colleagues without disclosing your personal circumstances?

If you don't have kids with him it really is as simple as saying goodbye and shutting the door. Blocking and calling the police to deal with him if he turns up.

I know it doesn't seem easy but honestly... it really is that easy.

Speak to your work. Just because you have knowledge on abuse doesn't mean you can't fall victim to it. You are in a perfect position to talk to other professionals about your situation and receive the best advice. Also, telling them will defend you against any lies he might tell them.

I'm assuming you also know that you do not, infact, love him. You love the good character he pretends to be, the mask. That person doesn't actually exist.

Take initiative, next time he is away change the locks and go away yourself for a few days or weeks if possible. Taking yourself physically away from him will help you recover from the trauma bond quicker. Make sure to make use of any emotional support available to you - women's aid, your colleagues ect and tell your friends and family too.

Also, he will never kill himself. It is bullshit to manipulate you so you don't need to worry about that.

Thus won't change unless you take back control and you may never 'feel ready', you just have to do it, like ripping of a bandaid. It'll be hard, it'll hurt but you will get through it. Ask for help, there is nothing shameful about your situation, it is him that should be ashamed.

That must have taken a lot to say all of that op. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having dealt with a narcissist for many years I can only say that it doesn't matter how much knowledge or experience anyone has in dealing with the fall out of this type of abuse, unless they've lived it they don't know how easily it can happen or how it feels. Don't beat yourself up in anyway for working in that field and finding yourself here, it may even have allowed you to think you were on top of it when the red flags appeared. Please try and get some outside help. Are there resources you can tap into at work (qualified and experienced counsellors dealing with narcissistic abuse) without feeling you're exposing what you're dealing with to anyone you don't want to know? I lucked in with an organisation (Echo - now closed I think) and had good one to one support, group support wasn't helpful. Knowing there's someone who 'gets it' is so important. Also knowing there's someone from friends/family etc who you can confide in to whatever degree you feel you can and can also call in a crisis is equally important. I know you feel lost, but you're still you and you can do this.

Him threatening suicide is not your fault or problem. I have also been in a similar relationship and it is so, so much better once you leave.
Please, please leave. This is not your life forever, you are not trapped.

OP

I doubt very much he would go through with committing suicide when he threatens this. He is a manipulator rather than a vulnerable person. He is abusive and a nasty piece of work. In the short space of two years he has managed to almost destroy you. He has brought you down to near rock bottom.

The thing is though that two years doesn't have to become twenty, thirty or forty years. You can have a normal life again. However you need to tell yourself that actually do you really love someone who has done all these awful things to you and ruined what you had and what you were. You need to tell yourself that what you think you feel for him is not real and is only because of how he has emotionally abused you and made you dependent on him emotionally. As you say, you recognise all this from your job.

You need to formulate an escape plan OP:-

1. seek professional help from a domestic abuse organisation so that you are not dealing with this alone
2. confide in a friend or family member again so that you are not having to deal with this by yourself
3. contact citizens advice to discuss any legal side to any of this
4. protect what you still have in terms of savings, belongings. Don't allow him access to anything
5. get the details of a locksmith and at some point change all your door locks
6. be honest with your manager at work about what has happened
7. put down on paper what your finances are
8. maybe think about getting advice from the police to begin with
9. write down in as much detail you can including dates etc of what has happened in the last 2 years
10. keep a diary of everything from now on
11. try not to give in when he threatens suicide. Don't give him any more money. Tell him you have no money left

I hope you will be okay OP and get through this. Can I ask what part of the country you are in?

Am here if you want to talk

I could have written this about myself 2 years ago... please please leave, he will destroy your life, he has already started the process. I left last year, and I have never once regretted my decision, it gets more difficult as you are increasingly invested, and confused and reeled in time after time. I stayed for longer than I should have because I was very aware of how dangerous it was to leave. Make a plan and do it. I also got called at work threatened, assaulted and lies spread amongst friends, I lost an awful lot. Get a retraining order, speak to solace, and get the hell out of there. It will get so much worse. I am so sorry you are in this situation, coercive control is a crime. If you want to talk PM me. My ex also had a personality disorder and they are so difficult to treat it can take years and that is only if the person is willing to do the work. Please realise you are literally fighting for your life right now. I never would have believed what a person is capable of had I not experienced it. Take care of yourself.

Also please recognise, he has zero self awareness- he has probably done this before and will do it again, it’s who he is.. the suicide threats are to gain control over you, last resort tactic.

I went through a similar thing to this too, and after leaving my sons dad who was also abusive. I would recommend seeing your doctor for help as well as counselling. After I kicked him out, the doctor put me on mirtazapine which stopped my anxiety and gave me back my appetite. Might help you get through it. I thought I would never get over him but two years later am with a very kind and gentle man. Good luck. It is good that you are very aware of what's happened.

to everyone who is and has been going through this. As a man I am shocked at how anyone can do this to another person

Thank you for your responses and kind words it means such a lot.
I know you are all right. I don’t think I am ready to act just yet, even writing this and reading the thread fills me with fear and dread and turns my stomach and I’m not sure I can continue with the thread, please don’t think badly of me if I don’t return to it. But sharing this today is a start.
Thanks again