In thinking there is no escape from emotional abuse?

[Redleopard]

Apologies if this is too long, or if I get something wrong, I’ve never posted before and have only now found the courage to do this. I’ve managed domestic abuse services for about 25 years now. And yet I’m in an abusive and toxic relationship which I can see no escape from.
I met him about 2 years ago and with hindsight ignored all the red flags. He was charming, exciting, love bombed me and I fell for it. He encouraged me to take risks and be spontaneous which was a world away from my norm. He was a strange mix of childlike naivety with streetwise ‘bad lad’ behaviours- I didn’t for one minute think I’d fall in love with him or have a future with him and I thought I could have a bit of fun with someone worlds apart from my sensible world.

As time passed I fell hard. And his behaviour worsened. He’s never been physically violent but is verbally aggressive and abusive, controlling, manipulative, treats me like dirt, constantly lies, gaslights me and has taken thousands of pounds from me leaving me struggling with debts. He threatens suicide regularly. He threatens to tell my family/friends/work lies that would ruin me.

I constantly walk on eggshells with my stomach in knots, I’ve lost 3 stone since meeting him as I can’t eat properly I’m so nervous. I average about 3 hours sleep a night. I sometimes think of suicide but don’t have any plans to do this. I’m usually scared of what he will do/say next. He is paranoid, has zero empathy, lets me down when I need him, sabotages important events, ignores me for weeks then refuses to discuss it. He shuts down conversation and I’m left unable to express myself or resolve anything. I’m scared of him now. But I crave his attention, drop everything for him day or night and he continues to behave appallingly as he can - and as I allow him to. I can’t give specific examples as I’m terrified of identifying me or him and the impact that could have on myself and my job.

He has intense mood swings and is so unpredictable, further complicated by a coke habit and mental health problems - doctors have discussed cluster b personality disorders with him - but obviously the cocaine use and abusive behaviours cloud any ability to diagnose. Neither of us have children so thankfully that’s not an issue.

I am a shell of my former self. I’m so isolated and am off work long term sick because of this. My friends and family don’t know the half of it. I can’t discuss this with friends or colleagues as I’m meant to be the expert on this, I’m meant to advise the staff on this not be a victim myself. I know exactly what to do but find it utterly impossible. I know how narcissists behave. I know exactly what he does and I know I’m trauma bonded. I love him. I think of nothing but him. I crave his attention and when things are fleetingly good it’s like a flood of dopamine rushing through me.

I’m so desperately unhappy, I’ve lost myself. I had a career, savings, was respected in my field and now I guess I see no way out - because of my job I know exactly what has happened and why I’m in this mess, I also know what I’m supposed to do. But I just can’t see me ever escaping this.

So my aibu is I suppose - aibu in thinking this is my life now? And that if the so called expert falls into this toxic mess it really can happen to anybody because abusers are so bloody good at it..?

You did well in writing down on MN what has been going on OP. That in itself is a big step. After being worn down by an abusive partner, it needs a lot of strength and courage to pull yourself out of it. I think if you reach out to someone else to help you through this, such as a friend or family member or a professional organisation, then you won't feel alone in coping with this. I, and others on here, are here to support you. You can pm me if you want to but you don't have to if you prefer not to. Take care x

Next time he leaves change the locks and don’t answer the phone to him. If he threatens x y and z then ignore him.

He sounds like a proper wanker but you have enabled him to do these things to you by dropping everything for him and giving him what he wants. If you want to break free from him then you need to be strong for yourself.

well you've written it down and that's the first step.

I'd suggest seeing a counsellor. Speaking to WA. Try to start confiding in friends -you'll be surprised how much they know already.

When he storms off next time, take the opportunity to start distancing yourself.

I agree, trauma bonds are hard. In my case my P walked out, telling me he'd be back in 21 days (he managed 9 before he was back in touch) it was devastating, but actually it was the best thing because I started to get stronger while he was away.

Talk to a counsellor. You can leave. You can get rid of him, and your life will be immeasurably better (and I know how hard it is, I know how much you think you love them, and lovely they can be, how you think you can never get those feelings from someone else, but it isn't love - either from them (why would they treat you like that) or you. It's addiction, and like all addictions, it can be broken). I understand OP. But you can get out. you are strong.

Please leave or get to a safe place, you are describing my marriage at its worse, I'm nearly 2 years gone from it and so much happier..divorce is underway and absolutely no contact but it is a hard process, you need to take the first step... Womens aid were so helpful

Pm me if you like I can't promise to reply immediately but I will reply, it's an absolute headfuck but you will escape I promise x

Oh darling. I'm also in an abusive relationship. for you. I've no advice but I'm here for you x