I wish I hadn't read his messages, don't like what I found

[temporarynamech]

Ok I know it was unreasonable to read them, but I'm bothered by what I found. Background - he has a Facebook friend, female, they've not met in person, became friends after meeting on a group related to a hobby. Ok fine, I think. I've never been controlling about his social life, have always said I trust him 100%. They've been friends a while, Facebook settings somehow used to show me things he'd commented on, so I would sometimes get her posts in my feed, this doesn't seem to happen anymore but I've been aware of her a while, and used to joke to him that she was his secret admirer, he'd laugh it off. I've never had this reaction before to any other female friends but I can't actually remember what it was that made me think that way about her. She recently sent him a daft post, a silly meme, related to their hobby, in a PM, which he shared, I thought it was very funny and asked where he'd found it "oh somebody sent it me" when I asked him who he told me it was her but normally he'd have just said "Dave sent it me" or whatever. I could tell he was being a bit cagey. It bugged me and I ended up looking at her feed, and then at their PMs. She often posts about how hard her job is, dealing with unpleasant/awkward people. She sometimes mentions mental health - depression and anxiety. And talks about how stressed and overworked she is. He is full of blatant admiration for how she soldiers on (she does charity work as well), massive sympathy for her struggles in general. "give yourself a break you deserve it more than anyone". It's nice to see him being kind and encouraging but I really struggled with my mental health when the kids were young and he didn't deal with it at all, just pretended it wasn't happening. I've done the lions share of looking after home and kids, The teenage daughter years have been horrendously stressful, we've been through some real traumas, which he basically let me deal with myself while he carried on with his own work and social life as normal. This is my life, I just get on with it, but having not ever had much admiration, sympathy or recognition from him for what I've done it's bugging me to see him giving it to another woman. Her messages are also full of admiration for him, kissy emojis and "oh I do so hope we get to meet one day, you truly are amazing" as I said I have always trusted him, never crossed my mind he'd have an affair but I would actually be really worried if they were to ever meet.
I know I was wrong to read his private stuff but am I overreacting to what I've found? Sorry for the long post, I'm struggling with this a bit and feeling too ashamed of myself to talk it out with my friends.

I agree you shouldn't have read them, but also agree their messages are inappropriate and clearly you're senses were on high alert with this woman - for good reason.

Your feelings are valid here and the fact that you've done the grunt work while he's swanned in and out and not helped or recognised your input a great deal are issues you need to deal with. Could you be honest and say to him "I read your messages to X and feel incredibly hurt that you're so full of compliments for her when you don't offer me the support I feel I need"? Ultimately if the person you're married to isn't your biggest fan, they're letting you down. It's not all hearts and flowers but you need to be playing on the same team or you might as well call it quits.

You need to resolve it, however it happens because reading those messages was like lifting the lid off and now you know what's in there. He's kinder to her than he is to you. He admires her more than he admires you. It might be an emotional affair, it might be nothing, but I Couldn't accept and forget it without something changing first.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and for being nice. Wrote the post fully prepared to get ripped to shreds for my behaviour. You are right, I need to do something cos it's just churning around in my head now. I guess the problem is as much with my relationship with him as it is with theirs.

temporary

I’m not going to rip you to shreds either. You had probable cause, and now there’s the evidence so it was justified IMO. His inappropriate behaviour messaging this woman, paired with previously being a shit partner and parent, means that he hasn’t really got any business complaining that you snooped. He can be angry or upset, but ultimately it’s what you found that’s the issue here, plus the general health of your relationship.

Sometimes it is easier, for whatever fucked up reason, to listen to and support someone you don't feel so close to

Sounds like he has plenty of time in his hands, maybe you should find him something to do rather than spend it on facebook!

As for confronting him, it really is dependent on your partner and his personality, some will just not careless that you know, and this will most probably frustrate you further, esp if he blocks you from seeing his account! Others might realise they've crossed the lines and try to distance themselves. By now, I'm sure you know how he reacts and responds to things.

Either way, I always wonder how married people can live for long yrs together, as I find routine gets on the way, and the spice just dies slowly. Maybe both of you need to review what you do together, and how to breakup the routine. I'll probably work on that before I confront him.

Nah i would not be happy with that. If
You trust each other reading each other’s stuff shouldn’t be an issue if no one has anything to hide.. so don’t feel guilty

I would consider yhat an emotional "affair" already

He is spending time boosting the ego of another woman and has form for neglecting his duties in supporting you

I would be raging and he would be leaving. Lots of time for him to play the White Knight with damsels in distress then

I bet he doesn't have similar mutually adoring conversations with his male friends

I also don’t blame you for reading them or for finding the content upsetting.

There are only three real options though: don’t read any more messages and say nothing; continue to read the ongoing messages to see if anything develops; mention to him that you’ve seen the ones so far and want to chat to him about them as they have upset you.

Personally, I would do two.

Nope. Another internet random who doesn’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Often on here posters recommend a particular book about the dangers of emotional affairs, I think it’s targeted at men. Can’t recall the name, but someone may happen along on the thread to help out with that. I’d buy it, and hand it to him with a meaningful look. Chances are he has little idea of what he’s getting himself into, and what he’s risking.

Either way, it needs to stop. In a long term partnership you are allowed to follow up suspicions and offer warnings about stuff that is clearly dangerous to your joint future. Preferably before one of you does something unforgivable.

I don't think you're unreasonable either, and I would be incredibly resentful at the way he treated you and is now treating her.

Nip that shit in the bud. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones. I’ve seen my bestfriend be destroyed by something like this after her “d”h felt sorry for someone at work.

Anyfucker makes an excellent point. It’s always with the women. They wouldn't dream of sending such messages to their male friends.

I’d be speaking to him about this.

Sending messsge slime I do hope we get to meet one day is just disrespectful in my eyes.

Are you going to confront him? It’s a piss take.

Nah, yanbu
He's all talk though. He's wrapped in in dream land where it's all too easy to type out empty sweet nothings to someone far removed from real life. Doesn't make it ok. You've got the real him, and know that he isn't so supportive, and is as much use as a chocolate teapot. Don't put up with either of his faults.

AF has it right.

These guys aren't ever supporting fat, sweaty old Keith from accounts through a tough time, are they?

It's always a young, pretty and vulnerable woman.

It's easy for him to feed his ego by sending this woman nice messages and have her thinking he's wonderful - much more reward to him for much less effort than actually supporting a real-life partner. She can't ask him to put the bins out, or look after the DC for an afternoon while she gets a break, and if he isn't in the mood to hear about her troubles he can just log off Facebook for a bit.
Don't focus too much on 'Waa, infidelity!' - have a think about whether he's worth keeping in general given that he doesn't pull his weight or appear to care about you much.

If they've never met, he actually has no idea who she really is and what she does or does not do.

He's writing to a fantasy.

Facebook is notorious for this kind of person and some are scammers. I would be very concerned at the way this person has come on so strongly to your DH and I would be questioning her(his?) motives.

You really need to confront DH and demand that this relationship stops immediately.

Who has the time for a pen pal these days? Especially one they’re so attentively emotionally supporting of.

Anyfucker makes an excellent point. It’s always with the women. They wouldn't dream of sending such messages to their male friends.

This.

I agree with SGB, too. His lack of support would be harder to take in light of how he can play the Knight in Shining Armour to some random on the internet.

OP I wouldn't tell him yet as if there is anything going on (or if that's what he's after long-term) then he knows he's being watched now and may start hiding certain things. Just keep an eye on it but try not to let it consume you.

OP, trust your gut instinct, when it goes from mentionitis to not mentioning them at all, it is usually because they are starting to see that person differently. If they are telling each other how wonderful they are, it is starting to cross the line into inappropriate and emotional affair.

I saw just one line "oh you are such a clever girl to know so much" and it was enough to set off the spidey senses, especially when that email was then deleted so I couldn't see it. oh and her telling him how he boosted her spirits and understood her so much better than her DP did! Spidey senses were right, they are married now!

My HX also struggled to support me, yet had it in bucketloads for her.

Just keep any eye on the situation, because even though she is away, they could arrange to meet up.

Has she started to have financial difficulties yet?
If you decide to let it go on, keep an eagle eye on your bank accounts.

Well the saying "talk is cheap" certainly applied here - very easy for him to bullshit about how hard she has it and be sympathetic and admiring when there's no chance of him having to do anything about it/take on any of the load.
Doesn't reflect terribly well on his personality; but (to be blunt) you also put up with that/let him away with it so ....

Also agree with posters who say he's almost/really having ab emotional affair too. Doubly poor reflection on his character.

| don't blame you for reading the messages at all - I don't blame any woman for doing this when she has reasonable suspicions that something is up.

I wouldn't like reading what you did either - it is an emotional, if fantasy, affair. the fact he is pretending to her he is so supportive after the way he treated you must be a real kick in the teeth.

Either she's a scammer or she's self -deluding to think he is like he is pretending to be when its easy and costs him no more than a couple of minutes typing out a message.

Sorry this is happening OP.

@FudgeBrownie2019

I am so glad to see the lovely, helpful, and kind responses on here.

Your DH is a grade A asshole sorry sweetie. I have seen this behaviour before. Men who are flattered by the female attention (some men even push their conversation onto women, and they have little choice other than to engage.) Some men speak to and engage with other women more than men, under the guise of 'I have always got on better with women.'

They like to play the knight in shining armour, and be a shoulder to cry on for waifs and strays, and female work colleagues or neighbours or random women on the internet, or that they meet in their social life (via a hobby and sport...) And if the wife/partner gets insecure and jealous, BOOM! Double ego-boost points.

Very recently, a couple I have known for 10 years who have been together for 27 years split up. Basically, her DH was exactly like the man I have described/your DH; always flirting with other women, making women at work his friends, and as I said, saying it's because he gets on better with women, and he can't help it if he gets on better with women!

Well the DH is this case, had several cases throughout 2014/15 of a couple of women he knew - and was 'friends' with - (work colleague and hobby group woman,) who bought him gifts for his birthday AND for Christmas (several gifts each.) His wife was livid as they were expensive gifts. He was smirking and smug and said 'I love it when yer jealous.'

She was torn up inside, and pissed off, and had had 25+ years of his flirty, 'can't help it if I get on better with women' bullshit, flirting with most women he met, making friends with them, exchanging banter etc.... (never men, always women...)

So she decided to get even, and started to flirt with and chat to every man she met - especially in front of him. Funnily enough, he didn't like it, and got a upset at this behaviour - ya know, the behaviour HE had been displaying for more than 25 years.

Anyway, 3 or 4 months in, she got chatting to a man from a new art group she joined and they went for a walk and a coffee together. Long story short, after 27 years together, and 3 kids together (all grown by then,) she left him for this man. 3 years later they are still together, and her DH has not stopped trying to get her back, begging forgiveness, saying he is sorry etc...

But the ship has sailed. She fell out of love with him, because of the way he treated her. She said even if she and her new man don't work out long term, she will never go back to her ex.

So these men need to watch it, flirting with and sharing banter with other women. Maybe you should try what my friend did FudgeBrownie2019!