I wish I hadn't read his messages, don't like what I found

[temporarynamech]

Ok I know it was unreasonable to read them, but I'm bothered by what I found. Background - he has a Facebook friend, female, they've not met in person, became friends after meeting on a group related to a hobby. Ok fine, I think. I've never been controlling about his social life, have always said I trust him 100%. They've been friends a while, Facebook settings somehow used to show me things he'd commented on, so I would sometimes get her posts in my feed, this doesn't seem to happen anymore but I've been aware of her a while, and used to joke to him that she was his secret admirer, he'd laugh it off. I've never had this reaction before to any other female friends but I can't actually remember what it was that made me think that way about her. She recently sent him a daft post, a silly meme, related to their hobby, in a PM, which he shared, I thought it was very funny and asked where he'd found it "oh somebody sent it me" when I asked him who he told me it was her but normally he'd have just said "Dave sent it me" or whatever. I could tell he was being a bit cagey. It bugged me and I ended up looking at her feed, and then at their PMs. She often posts about how hard her job is, dealing with unpleasant/awkward people. She sometimes mentions mental health - depression and anxiety. And talks about how stressed and overworked she is. He is full of blatant admiration for how she soldiers on (she does charity work as well), massive sympathy for her struggles in general. "give yourself a break you deserve it more than anyone". It's nice to see him being kind and encouraging but I really struggled with my mental health when the kids were young and he didn't deal with it at all, just pretended it wasn't happening. I've done the lions share of looking after home and kids, The teenage daughter years have been horrendously stressful, we've been through some real traumas, which he basically let me deal with myself while he carried on with his own work and social life as normal. This is my life, I just get on with it, but having not ever had much admiration, sympathy or recognition from him for what I've done it's bugging me to see him giving it to another woman. Her messages are also full of admiration for him, kissy emojis and "oh I do so hope we get to meet one day, you truly are amazing" as I said I have always trusted him, never crossed my mind he'd have an affair but I would actually be really worried if they were to ever meet.
I know I was wrong to read his private stuff but am I overreacting to what I've found? Sorry for the long post, I'm struggling with this a bit and feeling too ashamed of myself to talk it out with my friends.

Sounds like he has plenty of time in his hands, maybe you should find him something to do rather than spend it on facebook

...would you like your partner to ‘find you something to do’ instead of posting on Mumsnet? He’s a grown man not a toddler.

temp. I don’t blame you for looking, not at all. [I don’t use Facebook, so I’m surprised you can see his personal messages, was he still logged in or can you see everyones? ] it’s nit nice to snoop, but personally I think it’s justified when your sense something isn’t right...and if my DH was seriously concerned I’d understand (I’d rather he talked to me first, but you won’t get the truth out of most people like that, so...‍🤷🏻‍♀️)

As another but poster has already said, try to think about your relationship aside from this. He doesn’t sound very caring, considerate or loving towards you. Irrespective of his behaviour with her are you sure you still want to be with him?. It sounds like you’ve been together a long time, but it also sounds like you’ve not been in a good relationship with him for a long time, if ever. I know it’s nit easy to consider separating, but do you want a further 40+ years like the past however many? Especially when you know he’s capable of so much more?

It IS easy to project ‘who you want to be’ rather than ‘who you are’ online and this stupid woman has fallen for a projected ‘white knight in shining armour’ - when in reality he’s a ‘chocolate teapot near an open fire’. It’s all too easily done over messages...

I don’t think you should ‘do’ anything until you decide whether you want to be with him or not.

If you decide you don’t then tell him you are filing for divorce and need to work out the logistics, but see a solicitor and get the paperwork & finances sorted in your own head first. When he asks why tell him that you’re fed up of being in a relationship where you’re unappreciated, your input is unrecognised and you don’t feel important or loved and that his ability to treat some random woman so much better than he treats you is the final nail in the coffin!

If you do want to stay with him then tell him the same thing and explain he needs to stop messaging her and put some bloody emotional effort into YOUR marriage or you will be leaving him

Personally I think if he’s not done this in all the years you’ve been together, he’s not going to change now and you’re flogging a dead horse, but sometimes we have to do that before we can justify leaving (to ourselves) even though, really, it’s a form of self harming!

the stomach churning & fear is fucking awful, but you will be ok 🌷

He's having an emotional affair with her. He's basking in the warm glow of her admiration for him, and he's enjoying the flattery of having his ego stroked.

It's all highly inappropriate, and he's spending his emotional resources on another woman when, he should be focusing them on you.

Of course, it's perfect for him, he can play the Knight in Shining Armour with just a few taps on a keyboard, no actual work or effort needed, because as you already know, he's crap at anything that involves actual effort.

Start getting an exit plan in place, make sure of your financial security, as you will probably need it. When all that's in place, tell him what you know and that it must stop.

Little your friend might've posted on here! Your story rings a lot of bells, it's uncanny. I'm glad she ended up leaving the prat and found someone whilst giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Sometimes. It’s easier to write a encouraging message to a written comment, then to say something in real life. We’ve all pressed like or the ‘thumbs-up’ sign as a quick acknowledgement of something. Maybe the encouragement is a form of that.

However,it does sound like it could stray into the emotional affair territory. Maybe dp is being kind, or maybe he likes being the knight in shining armour. He probably doesn’t even realise he could be stepping over the mark.

I guess you’re feeling a bit rejected. You’ve done all the hard work and she seemingly is getting all the respect. I can understand why that is hurtful.

I think one of the problems with 'online' friendships is that they can easily slip into fantasy so your DP can play the perfect, supportive friend because there's the safety net that this woman isn't going to make any RL demands on him.

But I think there are issues you need to address in your relationship. You sound tired of soldiering on and shouldering all the responsibility. Make steps to change both of those.

Thanks all of you for being supportive. I don't really use mumsnet much, not sure how to reply to individual comments. I do take on board the comment that says it's easier to be supportive to someone you're less close to, a bit of distance certainly simplifies our responses. I don't necessarily think they're going to have an affair (who knows, maybe they will, I think he's too lazy) I reckon he's enjoying the attention, maybe he feels it's 'safe' flirting because she's quite far away, and he may well never meet her. I don't reckon she's a scammer, her profile looks bona fide, they've been friends on fa ebook for a year or 2. The messaging comes in sporadic flurries, usually instigated by her I must say, but certainly not discouraged.

I used his password (which he knows I know, cos I borrow his ipad sometimes) to open his ipad while he was at work and look at his messages. Yes, seems rather underhand I know.

Very disappointing. I think you need a serious chat. Tell him you've seen his messages, tell him you know that was sneaky, but his messages are putting your marriage at risk. Tell him how gutted you feel, tell him he's never been that supportive of you, tell him it feels like he's on the verge of an affair. And tell him that if he tries to blame you for snooping or won't discuss it he will be making things worse.

For me, he'd have to apologise, understand where you're coming from and seriously step away from this weird online relationship, or it wouldn't be worth staying together. I couldn't cope with my husband drooling and fawning over someone else.

Horrible situation to be in i sympathise with you. They want their cake and dessert and cadbury land thrown in too and they will still eat it . Ha knight in shining armour i prefer to use " a c@#t in tin foil " its more apt & mote suited to them !!! Show him the door hey even let him pick another insecure dirt bag peter pan with zero intelligence or empathy as long as his needs are met. I would totally blank the situation i would give him the priority of significance and importance he doesnt deserve you . You were meant to see these messages take it as a sign and also a blessing walk away but more so fly away soar like an eagle and shit on him from a great height good luck

Certainly not unreasonable OP.

To read all those supportive messages to someone when he was a selfish dick and left you to it when you had similar issues would be galling to say the least.

Hard to get over.

💐