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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared finance, money and arguments

41 replies

IIIIIIIIAye · 08/09/2019 09:53

To briefly summarise - me and OH have been together for 10 years since we were 15.

We both went to Uni in different cities and 4 years ago settled and moved in together.

During this 4 years we have both earned similar amounts, it seems to be every year one of us over takes the other in salary and the other overtakes the year after.

We have always split everything 50/50 and I thought we both had a good relationship with money and spending. We have recently decided to start looking for somewhere to buy - and although we have always agreed about saving goals etc, I have an extra 20k saved and I can't work out where he's spent the equivalent 20k.

This has since resulted in a massive argument as I've said I'm not putting the majority of the deposit down. Is this unreasonable? And what is a reasonable solution?

OP posts:
fiorentina · 08/09/2019 09:56

You can have a legal agreement drawn up agreeing about how to deal with you having paid a larger deposit in the event you sell the house/split.

If he hasn’t saved when you both agreed to that’s a conversation I’d definitely have, as having different attitudes to finance can be the cause of huge arguments. If you didn’t plan to save he has just been living within his means assuming he has no debt.

Original poster
IIIIIIIIAye · 08/09/2019 10:00

We agreed way back when to save a percent for a house, and then some towards holidays and spend the rest. We have had follow up convos since about it - including about opening certain accounts.

I'm just confused as to where he's even spent 20k also - as theres no evidence of him having 20k more stuff than me for example.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 08/09/2019 10:11

£20k in 4 years (is that what you're saying?) is about £100 pw. A large part of that could be accounted for by buying breakfast, lunch and coffee on each working day - does he do this? What about drinks out after work?

Does he buy more or slightly more expensive 'stuff' than you? Phones, clothes, shoes etc? A phone contract can cost anything from under a tenner to £50+ pm. Over 5 years, you could have a £2k+ difference in spending there.

ParentingFailsandPigtails · 08/09/2019 10:19

I am totally dependent on my husband financially, and we have been together for 15 years, married for 10. When we purchased our current house, it was first time his family had allowed me to go on the deeds.

I get this, I have ploughed very little in relatively speaking. But it was all I had and now, I have as much legal right to this property as my husband, through his choice.

You can indeed have papers drawn up to state who owns what by way of buying a house.

Sadly, it is easy to spend an extra amount here and there and soon have spent a lot more than anticipated. Arguing about it isn't going to magic the money back, and grilling him sounds like its making you both unhappy.

Whilst it is a huge amount of money in a lump sum, as has previously been said, it can be apportioned relatively easily over a 5 year span.

Hope you can put it behind you,

H x

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 08/09/2019 10:32

It will be coffees, lunches, the odd night out here and there, an album on iTunes every couple of weeks, and then a handful of big purchases. It all adds up. It's probably a losing game to try and work our exactly where it has gone.

Has he failed to make the savings goal you both set? If so it's worth having a conversation about that as he isn't pulling his weight. If he did meet the goal but you just saved extra on top of that, then I think it's unreasonable to be annoyed at him.

You can and should have an agreement drawn up by your solicitor to protect your share of the deposit if it's significantly larger than his.

flowery · 08/09/2019 10:40

”I am totally dependent on my husband financially, and we have been together for 15 years, married for 10. When we purchased our current house, it was first time his family had allowed me to go on the deeds.”

What’s his family got to do with it? And as you’re married it would make no difference anyway.

ParentingFailsandPigtails · 08/09/2019 10:53

What’s his family got to do with it? And as you’re married it would make no difference anyway.

His parents helped him buy his first house so remained on the deeds for subsequent moves. Smile

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 10:55

Just put the same amount down and you keep the £20k separately.

Surely that isn't an issue?

Robin2323 · 08/09/2019 10:55

Some people are better at saving.

It sounds like you're actually got a brilliant set up.

However
1 has he any debt?
2 have you felt deprived of anything while you have Been saving ?

PettyContractor · 08/09/2019 10:59

YANBU

There are lots of scenarios in which 50/50 contribution to expenses sdoesn't work, but it sound like it is working for you for the time being. If that's what you've agreed, it's perfectly reasonable for you not to put more into the house than him. And you can do what you like with the excess, it's your money, and he's probably already spent the equivalent on himself.

If he wants a different arrangement going forward, it might be reasonable to agree to that, but it should start just after this big expense, not before, otherwise he's move the goalposts to benefit himself.

Hadalifeonce · 08/09/2019 10:59

I would try to establish why he hasn't saved when you both agreed to. It could indicate whether you do both actually have the same attitude to money.
If you both feel very differently it could cause major issues in the future.

flowery · 08/09/2019 11:28

”Just put the same amount down and you keep the £20k separately.

Surely that isn't an issue?”

I imagine OP has saved the £20k with a view to it being half of a £40k house deposit. If they both only put in, say, £5k, leaving the rest of her £20k separately, they won’t be able to buy somewhere.

InDubiousBattle · 08/09/2019 11:42

Did he leave uni with more debt than you? Overdraft, credit cards etc?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 08/09/2019 11:57

Are you a packed lunch and library book person while he’s Pret A Manger and Spotify contract? These small things do add up. A Greggs lunch is £3.15 - so a month that’s £63. So in a 46 week year £2898 that you could never even notice you spent!

Chanteuse · 08/09/2019 12:11

My DP and I are in the process of buying a house at the moment, and he is putting the deposit down due to family inheritance. We will own the property 50/50 and split all bills etc. I didn't feel comfortable with this initially as I have done nothing to earn this money. So the deposit will be ring fenced so if we did split up he would get the difference from the house sale.

73Sunglasslover · 08/09/2019 12:17

Your salary may have been more than his. It sounds like your salary guestimate is quite rough and ready. I'd get out old P60s and see how much you've actually both earnt (post tax and pension) since you started this saving. I don't think it's reasonable to have a go at him without some more actual facts in front of you. Has he been paying more into pension? larger student loans or other graduate loans? Car? more expensive travel to work? There are a myriad of reasons why he may now have less.

EileenAlanna · 08/09/2019 12:36

You've believed you both have similar approaches to finance, spending etc because you haven't been in a position to compare it to the reality, until now. Your assumptions were wrong & you need to re-adjust your thinking now. Money problems have already led to a massive argument & he's been way unreasonable in expecting you to quietly just hand over substantially more for a home.
I'd put house-buying on indefinite hold while you reassess what your OH's financial position/outlook on money actually is, not what you've always assumed it to be. Don't have joint accounts either. It may be a "blip" in the relationship that you'll both get over, on the other hand it may be that the people you've both gradually become over the past 10 years aren't compatible in important ways. The 15 year olds you were didn't have much financial autonomy & as students your finances were far from settled I imagine. It's only really in the last 4 years that your patterns with handling money have had a chance to emerge in a way that impacts on "grown up" life.
If you do buy a house together safeguard your deposit/ongoing payments. Buy it as tenants in common, with your share clearly stated on the deeds.

Original poster
IIIIIIIIAye · 08/09/2019 14:12

We had a conversation a year ago about having 30k each to put down for a house - at this point in time this was agreed to be possible/manageable it's only just come up that I have 30k and he has 10k but not mentioned at all previously.

We both left Uni with overdrafts and paying off student loans - I'm happy to put down £15k and him £10k and work it even over time, but he's of the view we should put as big as a deposit as possible.

I'm thinking we both freeze buying for now and come back to it next year, and in the mean time work out whats manageable/logical from a saving perspective in relation to outgoings currently.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 08/09/2019 14:38

That is odd, given that you thought you had a common goal. Has he been able to articulate where the missing savings went? I'm guessing they dribbled away here and there in habitual spending patterns that are clearly very different from your own. It doesn't have to be anything sinister or reprehensible: I'm sure you'd know if he had a drug/gambling/porn addiction!

I totally get his desire to put down the biggest deposit you can as it can actually get you a more favourable mortgage rate for the entire length of the mortgage. But he hasn't committed to that goal as he intended to and you have, so I think caution is warranted here!

Delaying for a year woukd be wise, while he gets to grips with saving, perhaps using an app to track his spending. If he can save £5k in the year and you do too, you'll know he's committed and you'll have and extra chunk for your deposit. House prices generally are starting to level or even fall and if B*xt pushes them further down you'll be glad you waited!

If he can't or won't save, you'll be glad you waited and found that out before buying a house with him, too.

No joint accounts with a squanderer or your money goes through his hands and down the gurgle with his!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/09/2019 14:44

Do you know for sure that your salaries are similar, or have you been guessing/assuming? Does he have more work-related costs than you (eg longer commute so spending more on petrol/fares, or needing to spend more on work clothes than you do, or a workplace culture of more frequent socialising than yours)?
You need to talk about it calmly and factually rather than stamping and bellowing about what a spendthrift he is. And bear in mind that now is not a great time to be buying houses, anyway. Or to be saving, TBH.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/09/2019 14:48

I would assume the odd night out/ buying lunches, boys holidays, more expensive clothes? He’s a young guy, he’s bad at saving, is it that shocking?

Either you put down more money but secure the amount you put down in writing- easily done. Or you put less down, how does the added 20k affect the repayments/ what you can buy. I find the whole idea of waiting another year a bit pointless, you will still have more money saved than him. If there’s a bigger issue where you don’t think he’s secure or mature enough for you then fine but the fully 50/50 notion is a bit much imo

Yesivenamechanged11 · 08/09/2019 14:50

Not sure what the issue is, when DH and I bought our first house together (before we were even engaged), we drew up in the contract that I would have a bigger share of the house as I put an extra £10k towards the deposit.
As other posters have said, £20k can very easily be frittered away on nothing, and some people are better at saving than others.
Personally I'd wait until at least November and see what effect the UK's political status has on house prices and mortgage lending criteria.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/09/2019 14:53

My main concern would be that you had a common goal, had discussed how to get there, and now you find that you have different approaches to saving and honesty around finances. Unless he has been inadvertently subsidizing your saving (for example, paying for more meals out) he may fritter money which can be hard to control.

Original poster
IIIIIIIIAye · 08/09/2019 14:54

Do you know for sure that your salaries are similar, or have you been guessing/assuming?

Yes - every time one of us got promoted/payrise we told each other and have been even with neither of us having spells of being unemployed.

Does he have more work-related costs than you

No, he gets on/off at the tram stop before me - he works at a startup that has constant casual dress, and he has a lot of funded work socials but his outgoings at these is like a round of drinks.

You need to talk about it calmly and factually rather than stamping and bellowing about what a spendthrift he is.

I'm more bothered by the assumption that when we have not met whats agreed he now still wants me to keep up my end, while he isn't his.

bear in mind that now is not a great time to be buying houses, anyway. Or to be saving

Aware of this one, but peaks and troughs - also if I'm not saving it I'm for sure not going to fritter it on random shit instead.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 08/09/2019 15:06

This has since resulted in a massive argument as I've said I'm not putting the majority of the deposit down

Why not?? Just have it written in that you get it returned upon sale of the house.