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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shared finance, money and arguments

41 replies

IIIIIIIIAye · 08/09/2019 09:53

To briefly summarise - me and OH have been together for 10 years since we were 15.

We both went to Uni in different cities and 4 years ago settled and moved in together.

During this 4 years we have both earned similar amounts, it seems to be every year one of us over takes the other in salary and the other overtakes the year after.

We have always split everything 50/50 and I thought we both had a good relationship with money and spending. We have recently decided to start looking for somewhere to buy - and although we have always agreed about saving goals etc, I have an extra 20k saved and I can't work out where he's spent the equivalent 20k.

This has since resulted in a massive argument as I've said I'm not putting the majority of the deposit down. Is this unreasonable? And what is a reasonable solution?

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 08/09/2019 15:26

Just put all of yours down but have a deed of trust written to protect it.

Why would you pay a higher mortgage each month when you have the money sat there for a bigger deposit?

EileenAlanna · 08/09/2019 15:45

he's of the view we should put as big as a deposit as possible
Not really, he's of the view that you should put down as big a deposit as possible, but he hasn't been saving so he doesn't apply that view to himself.
I think you're wise to put buying on hold for the time being.

73Sunglasslover · 09/09/2019 18:03

I really do think you need to be more precise about how much you've both earned - telling each other and feeling that things are much of a muchness is not factual enough. Look at what you actually took home and get some robust facts to help you think this through - being 'about the same' is too rough and ready and does not tel you about things like pension contributions and slight variances adding up. I actually think a young person saving 10k in 4 years after paying of student loans is really good! But perhaps you guys have high incomes or lower expenditure? I'm assuming you've not been given any family money in those years?

Ragwort · 09/09/2019 18:13

I think having the same 'approach' to money is essential in a relationship, you only have to read some of the threads on here to see how many really difficult situations arise. If one of you is a 'saver' and the other is a 'spender' then it is really hard to get any agreement, trust and respect for each other's opinion. You need a really honest talk together about where you go from here.

haflump · 09/09/2019 19:14

We had a similar situation OP, except I had begun saving before I met and married DH. I had £25k saved for a deposit and he had a grand total of £5k despite earning a lot more than me and claiming he cared about buying a house just as much as I did Like you, i didn’t want to put all my money in whilst he didn’t as I didn’t feel comfortable at all with that idea despite the option to have it all written down legally. I wanted to buy immediately as in my mind I’d been saving forever and finally had a good chunk of it, but also didn’t want to be the one to put everything. In the end we waited two years whilst DH saved up (and I saved a little more) and really spent a long time looking for the perfect house in the perfect location. We put in an almost equal amount and the remainder of my money is still in my savings account for a rainy day. Worked out much better tbh

SavingSpaces2019 · 10/09/2019 00:37

I'm just confused as to where he's even spent 20k also - as theres no evidence of him having 20k more stuff than me for example....I'm more bothered by the assumption that when we have not met whats agreed he now still wants me to keep up my end, while he isn't his

It's obvious - he chose to spend it rather than save.

Why? Maybe cos he feels his personal wants are more important than your joint agreement?
Cos he knows how to play you?
Cos he knows YOU will make it all happen anyway cos you luuuuuurve him, want to marry him and have his babies.....basically you want HIM bad enough that you'll eventually come round and finance it all anyway for your future together?

Don't let him pull this "i forgot/didn't understand/am bad with managing money" etc
He's taking you for a fool.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/09/2019 00:44

Don't buy a house with him. I know it seems harsh when this is the only issue, but it's a big issue. Finances cause more divorces than infidelity does.

Of course you could put down a bigger deposit than him and have that written into the ownership documents so you don't lose out financially on the house, but that's not the real issue here. The real issue is that you have discussed finances, he has made assurances about them but not kept them, not explained not keeping them and expects you to just accept it and to keep your end of the agreement. This is not a person you want to intertwine your finances with.

Buy a house on your own and let him pay rent.

Inebriati · 10/09/2019 01:04

Don't buy a house with him or share finances. Even if you ringfence your extra deposit, it won't change his spending habits.
It also suggest his attitude towards his money will be an issue if you take maternity leave.

PooWillyBumBum · 10/09/2019 08:33

I don’t think you’re BU. I would hold off house buying until you’re on the same page financially or you’ll come up against this every time you want to improve the house/move etc and resentment will build!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2019 08:41

Well, that has highlighted a difference in your attitude to your relationship and each other that you had not anticipated.

Slow down. Keep talking about your joint expectations and how you can jointly meet them. Tell him VERY PLAINLY that you have no intention of putting in all of your savings whilst he cannot show you an equal commitment, that he is really unreasonable as he really has had his cake and eaten it!

If he can't understand your issue then, as pps have said, it may be that he is not on the same page and you both need to have an honest rethink and new discussion!

TryingToBeBold · 10/09/2019 08:45

Me and my partner earn on average roughly the same. He has more opportunity to earn more and I invest a lot into shares.
The only rule is is that we put an equal amount into the joint account every month to pay bills. The rest is your own. And if at the end of the month you have no money.. that's your problem.. obviously we would help each other out but we wouldn't cater to each others irresponsibility.
He doesn't spend. At all. Lunch here and there. Has managed to save an obscene amount.
Me? I worked longer hours than him and still manage to spend my whole wage. How?! I have no idea. Amazon. Ebay. Clothes. I always go OTT for Christmas and Birthdays.

I would suggest.. you're comfortable enough with each other and each others finances.. that if you were meant to save a certain amount each and you haven't.. ask why? Sit down and find out. Is there a budgeting problem.. subscriptions or insurances still being paid but no longer used.
No harm in seeing what's gone into a black hole before you move.

Templetonstunafish · 10/09/2019 08:48

Does he know what he's done with it? That is a lot of money!

PettyContractor · 10/09/2019 09:08

Would a 20K deposit be enough? If not, and you did want to go ahead, and you still trust him, then maybe you could make him a documented loan for 10K...

People may think that's weird in a relationship, but until you're married or have children together it's reasonable to continue with the 50:50 approach to contributions, I think.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/09/2019 09:10

You can ring fence your deposit via solicitors if you really want to look at buying now, or you buy and he stays off the mortgage, again get this legally tied up.

Do not marry him until you've sorted this out tho!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/09/2019 09:12

Oh and £100 a week more spends than you is how you've not noticed him spending more. It could be coffees and sandwiches, eating out, the odd luxury here and there. £20'000 is a shit lot as a lump sum, but scarily easily to spend over a few years with having nothing to show for it

NotStayingIn · 10/09/2019 09:24

I would be worried and annoyed about this too.

It feels like he has deliberately misled you if not lied about his savings. If I was about to make a significant financial commitment with someone that wouldn’t be what I’d want to hear.

I don’t think you should go ahead and put in more deposit then him. If you do, I truly believe you will always be the one in the future paying just that little bit more for everything. This is just such a bad starting point to build a financial codependency on.

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