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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not giving my friend money for petrol

42 replies

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 22:53

My very long-standing friend was due to visit today. Plans like these are always a bit tentative with her and I've learnt not to treat them as set in stone. I called today to see if she was still coming. She said she had enough petrol to come down (she's about an hour away) but not enough to then get home. Her boyfriend was possibly giving her some cash so we left it that she'd let me know if she was able to come. She knows that my finances are much better than they used to be - we recently bought a newer car and booked a much fancier holiday than normal for next year. My friend struggles with her finances and is currently not working. She usually does work and over the years has often earnt the same as me but spent it on things like fancier cars and a lot of weed. I don't judge her though can see that she's her own worst enemy as I know she wants to own a home but sort of sabotages all the financial opportunities she gets. Many years ago I occasionally lent her money and eventually she would pay it back but usually not at the agreed schedule.

The AIBU is to do with the conversation about petrol. I said that if she could get down I'd provide dinner and all booze for the night. I didn't offer to loan her petrol money (I don't think she needs more debt right now). I also didn't offer to give her money partly I suppose as I think that she is still managing to get weed when she wants it and partly as I guess I think that at our age (mid-40's), we need to take charge of our finances a bit more. Was I being unreasonable in not offering her a tenner though?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 07/09/2019 23:03

Of course YWNBU.
Someone who was struggling for a genuine reason - might get some different answers, but someone who doesn't prioritise their money sensibly, and ought to be is an experienced adult, of course you weren't.

AlrightTreacle · 07/09/2019 23:05

Personally I would have offered to lend her a tenner, or just suggested meeting half way, that way she would have had enough petrol to get there and back without having to borrow any money.

bloodywhitecat · 07/09/2019 23:08

Could you have gone to your friend?

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 23:08

Ah yes, I should have added that there are reasons I can't go to hers. She still lives in her parents house and it is not big enough to fit us all in (me and the kids) whereas our is. She was going to stay over here with her kids. She never invites me there and I can see why. Meeting halfway would mean having to meet in a pub or restaurant which clearly she can't afford.

OP posts:

AlrightTreacle · 07/09/2019 23:17

"Meeting halfway would mean having to meet in a pub or restaurant which clearly she can't afford."

Not necessarily, it's been lovely weather here today, you could of met somewhere halfway for a walk and a catch up if you wanted to see each other. Doesn't sound like either of you was particularly bothered.

Booboooo · 07/09/2019 23:18

Depends on hiw badly you wanted to spend time with her

clpsmum · 07/09/2019 23:19

I would have given her a tenner tbh

Sunshine93 · 07/09/2019 23:21

I think it's rude for her to make an arrangement with you and not pre plan how she's going to get there and get home. I would expect this of a teenager. She should have been mortified to be letting you down for such a reason but actually she left you hanging and you had to ring her to find out what was going on.

I couldn't handle a friend like that. She sounds selfish and it sounds like the balance of your friendship is completely off. It's more like a big sister little sister relationship and she is expecting you to bail her out. Not on. Yadnbu

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/09/2019 23:23

I would have given her a tenner tbh

Why? I have given petrol money if someone has given me a lift, as my contribution to the costs of the journey, but I would absolutely not give someone money towards the cost of travelling to me.

She clearly has money, she just chooses to spend it elsewhere and it's not for OP to make up the difference.

MoonageDaydreamz · 07/09/2019 23:24

I think the wider point is that if she's so short of money then she shouldn't be making the journey to come and see you at all and save the money for something more important.

Agree, unless there's a good reason someone in their mid 40s should have their shit together more with money especially if living with her mother.

I'd just cancel it and say save the petrol money for more important stuff and you'll meet when finances are better.

Cherrysoup · 07/09/2019 23:24

I think you were absolutely right not to offer her cash. It’s a bit mad to think that you’re in your 40s and she can’t afford the money to come and see you. Did you pester her to come? If not, then you shouldn’t be paying her to come, particularly as you’re feeding her and her dc for however long.

StockTakeFucks · 07/09/2019 23:25

For someone I considered a good friend I wouldn't even think twice.

There's various layers in friendships and you give what you want. Sometimes might be too much,sometimes not enough.

However I have a feeling that you either outgrew the friendship (different aims,goals,outlooks,attitudes etc) or you were never that great friends to begin with.

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 23:25

Sorry, I don't want to drip feed but didn't want to put too long a post to start with so have probably left out some important details. She would have been arriving about 6 and staying the night, so would be getting too cold/ late to meet outside. And I can't walk at the moment due to a medical condition so would either be sitting outside in the evening or sitting in a restaurant/ pub. It really was mine or not at all. My friend and I were definitely on the same page with that. She is very emotionally supportive so I think she gives quite a lot in the relationship (just not financially!).

OP posts:

Urskeks · 07/09/2019 23:28

If it wasn't for her still getting her weed, I'd give her the tenner. I think that's appalling, and then you mention she has kids too. I hate that, when parents plead poverty, have kids but prioritise weed. Or alcohol. That's when to me, it becomes CF territory.

Lipz · 07/09/2019 23:28

You would provide dinner and booze and she wants to drive home ?

StockTakeFucks · 07/09/2019 23:29

Why?

In my case because the journey is quite long, I'm a lot more comfortable in my own house and it's easier for me. Bonus points that actually cared about that friend,wanted to see them and the kid love each other so it was worth the £20 odd quid that I could easily afford.

Jozen · 07/09/2019 23:33

YANBU, if she can't afford to get herself there and back then she should postpone until a time when she can.
As pp says, tell her to save what petrol she has and you'll meet up another time when she's more flush.

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 23:34

You would provide dinner and booze and she wants to drive home ?

She was going to stay the night. I'd have provided dinner, booze and breakfast (which I was very happy to do, no issues with that).

However I have a feeling that you either outgrew the friendship (different aims,goals,outlooks,attitudes etc) or you were never that great friends to begin with.

I can see why you might think that but we have been friends for 30 years and I consider her to be one of my very best friends. She is chaotic and unreliable and very messed up (by my standards anyway) with her finances but I treasure her . I guess there is a history too and a fear on my part that if I start giving her money the requests will never end. She really can get through any cash she gets and so will always be 'hard up'. She usually just states that as a fact though and does not moan about it.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 23:35

She's an adult in charge of her own children and is using some of her money to buy weed. She could prioritize visiting you but chose not to.

I'd be telling her how hurt I was that she didn't come and see me, when you were offering to host her. By all food and booze I assume she would be staying over and not driving back?

katewhinesalot · 07/09/2019 23:35

You compromised with the food and booze.

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 23:37

oopse sorry cross posted, so you were offering to put her up etc, lovely, and she jepodized that by not having a tenner for petrol. She needs to get a focus. I am glad you are her friend and want to support her.

Presumably her kids knew about the trip and knew mum had let them down too?

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 23:42

Presumably her kids knew about the trip and knew mum had let them down too?

Yes I think they did. This has happened before and they have commented on it. They really like being at ours and I always cook the curry which I know they love (and they look forward to it!). They like playing with with my kids too. It is a good point. Her kids will likely be very disappointed - which makes me feel in equal measure that I should have given her a tenner and that she should have prioritized her finances in order to have a tenner!

OP posts:

StockTakeFucks · 07/09/2019 23:44

You outgrew each other then. It's not a bad thing or anyone's fault. You're at the responsible,adult, priorities etc stage while she's still floundering,smoking weed, being "young". I'm sure she's a good friend but at times it probably feels like being friends with an 18 yo, with the added disappointment that she's actually 40. Don't fall in the trap of feeling responsible,it will only breed resentment.

Accept who she is,and that at times plans will be dropped due to her poor prioritising. It is what it is.

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 07/09/2019 23:46

@StockTakeFucks

I don't think we've outgrown each other but the rest of this does make a great deal of sense, thanks.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 08/09/2019 00:03

So she had to do the travelling and pay for the privilege. Travel costs should be split, it’s not fair.

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