Parenting is futile

[topsagain]

No matter what you do as a parent, other factors influence your childs life. Obviuously being a loving and supportive parent matters but that there is so much out of your control that determines your chids life. Genetics, circumstance, personality, etc etc.
Parenting is just swimming against the tide.

DS hasbeen assessed for ASD and he is borderline, I am begining to think it's just his personality. He refuses to do anything that he doesn't want to do, this includes paying attention and putting in the effort at school too.

As with anything related to people there are no hard and fast rules. For most kids good firm loving consistent parenting will have a massive benefit. For a minority like a boy I babysat for he was born bad and nothing anyone did including his parents did would make any difference.

@topsagain I’m like you, one very conscientious hardworking kind child; one oppositional, angry, battling, never satisfied child. They have always been this way. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD. All of these traits must be genetic. All I do is try to temper them. It’s not easy though; particularly with the judgment of all the parents (and some of the school teachers) who do very much want to point to me as the source of the problems. One of the teachers actually said to me “ well, we know that it’s not the family as you have a daughter who behaves very well”. What would they have thought if my DS was an only child? Would it all have been my fault??

Fleetheart - I have had the exact same thing with my DS teachers. Although before my DD started school, one particular teacher did single me out, but the headteacher didn't thankfully. Teachers can't get hime to do any work, and I dread the fed up looks I get. On the other hand it is so nice to collect my DD and get a smiley wave from the teacher. DD is so eager to please and often gets tasks totake care of more disruptive pupils. Is this just the general nature of boys vs girls?

OP I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't believe it's your fault. Much as, just now, there doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it, the situation may also just improve of its own accord at some point without you doing anything special. You will no doubt continue doing your best under the circumstances. Don't let anyone make you feel bad.

Thats another post altogether

Fleetheart I think what you have written goes right to the heart of what I think topsagain was trying to convey. I think the 'good parents produce good children and bad parents produce bad children' mentality puts a lot of pressure on parents, creates anxiety and shame. It puts a lot of pressure on children too who are young, at the early stages of their development, have so much still to learn. So, a child has a temperament that is regarded as difficult to deal with by the adult population. That child still has a journey of learning how to deal with their own temperament, fit in and get along with others, make friends. And it can be harder for some kids than others. The last thing they need is for themselves and their parents to be stigmatized, criticized and dismissed as bad or coming from a bad home environment. Admittedly, some children do come from a bad or abusive home and they may have a difficult or an easy going temperament or they might have behavioral issues or they might not.

I believe nature and nurture is so intertwined that it is too difficult to figure out which one has the most influence. So, I concur with the school of thought that says look at how nature and nurture work together to create the whole person rather than its nature or nurture that is the most important.

Oceanbliss I believe nature and nurture is so intertwined that it is too difficult to figure out which one has the most influence. So, I concur with the school of thought that says look at how nature and nurture work together to create the whole person rather than its nature or nurture that is the most important.
Yes I don't think its so easily defined. It does make me wander that the school enviroment is not suited to some children. Or the way of teaching. I am wondering how to get out of the power struggles with DS without him ending up in his pants on the box all day.

I agree that neglect and abuse can have a detrimental effect on the way a child will turn out as an adult. But to write off parenting completely makes no sense at all. If there was no discernible positive effect to good parenting then what is the point of finding adoptive parents for children? You may as well just put them all into orphanages, yet experts agree that the best outcome for these children is to be adopted into a loving family.

Experts agree that good attachment in the early years are vital for a person's whole life and in fact many will say that if a child hasn't learned to love by the age of 2 they never will.

I don't believe that parenting is the only factor in how someone turns out as an adult, like everything else it's a balancing act between genes and upbringing.

I am mean parenting is futile in the sense that , you can try to encourage them and guide them but at the end of the day a strong willed child will grow up a strong willed adult.
All my efforts of chopping up fruits and veg will end up with them eating pot noodles when they get to choose themselves. I take them swimming, get them to try activities but when they get older if they don't like exersize I can't make them.
Meaning all my tearing my hair out to get them to eat healthy, exersize and find intrests away from screens is futile.

Ah this is a child not already grown? If borderline for ASD have ADHD (possibly non hyperactive) and PDA been looked at as well?

Yes children have their own personalities and won't need exactly the same parenting but such a stark contrast often points to a child who is struggling rather than parenting at fault.

Have you read any Ross Greene at all? Lives in the balance or his books. Not necessarily for children with a diagnosis only.

I don't think your efforts are futile at all. If course children rebel against their parents in their adolescent years, but they still have that template or example which they will usually come back to in some form in adulthood.

Also understood.org is brilliant.

BertieBotts Thanks I will look into these

Yes agree The Explosive child is a good book, really helps. I think you can do only what you can do. A strong willed child will be a strong willed adult. My DS used to eat all sorts of lovely healthy foods. Now (he’s 15), he eats what he wants, with vegetables playing a much smaller role. He also doesn’t do any school work. This upsets me a lot but I have learned that any changes has to come from him. I have faith that his day will come. The worse thing is the other parents 😅😂

I disagree. It feels futile at times and especially at certain ages but as outside influences go (ie after the genetic, natural personality etc) parents are definitely the primary influence of young children. I think it’s important that all the things you hope to teach are instilled early - boundaries, manners, motivations, trust, love etc - as a bedrock for when other things do become bigger influences such as school and peers and then the wider world.

Our children will never be what we imagined but they hopefully will take with them the values of their families.

I think you’re very wrong. Yes life happens but good parenting can create strong, stable, confident little people who can work their way through what life throws at them. Bad parenting can lead to people who just don’t stand a chance.

Your efforts might feel futile as you realised that despite what you do they may not eat healthy or exercise as an adult. It does't make parenting futile, it just means you know they will grow up to be adults who make their own decisions. They will have skills, knowledge and choices, because of your guidance.

My DS is diagnosed ASD, parenting is important for my son, as he is at the disadvantage, he doesn't automatically understand things, he has to to taught, things that other children just pick up from being around their parents.

Equally its important to pick your parenting battles, choosing to realise some things are less important than others.

BertieBotts thanks for your suggestions for topsagain Your suggestions have helped me too. I've just looked at Dr Ross Greene's books on Amazon and they look promising. I also looked at understood.org as well and I think both these resources will be helpful.

Your parenting style will influence your children for the rest of their life. You are of far more influence than you seem to think.

Of course there will be other factors but children with kind, caring and attentive parents will almost always do better than those without.

topsagain It does make me wander that the school enviroment is not suited to some children. Or the way of teaching. I am wondering how to get out of the power struggles with DS

I think about that too. I think I am in a similar boat to you regarding your ds. My dd is quite challenging but I love her to bits and I worry about her.

Sure, a strong willed child will grow up to be a strong willed adult. But "strong willed" can manifest as "determined and successful" or "selfish nightmare" depending on what kind of value set the child comes out of adolesence with.

There's no guarantee but the child that has loving involved parents has a much greater chance of being in the first case.